Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. I want to stay asleep, but I know I must wake.

2. Big, full moon.

3. He’s making a mental list of all the other things he should be doing. I think he might be regretting this.

4. This is why you don’t bring Mom and Dad to the party.

5. I should be eating my lunch, but I can’t stop eating this wint-o-green mints.

6. Let the little things stay little.

7. I linger because I find it all a bit entertaining. But also worrisome.

8. Wait. I’m not supposed to care this much.

9. This.

10. Cold chilaquiles.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. No sleep.

2. Seeking balance in all it’s forms.

3. Honest conversation. A truthful conversation?

4. I find a spot on the front porch in dappled light and write and write and write.

5. Windows down. Red Hot Chili Peppers up.

6. Ugh.

7. I should start plotting the PTO.

8. I thought the same thing.

9. “Real optimists don’t believe that everything will be great. That’s complacency. Optimism is a belief that the odds of a good outcome are in your favor over time, even when there will be setbacks along the way.” - Morgan Housel

10. It will be a good week.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Just one more day of Homecoming week.

2. Decaf + decaf + decaf.

3. I called it.

4. But everything is a big deal at this age.

5. So many girls. So many cheap and ugly dresses.

6. I overhear two moms say they are from Willits and Middletown. And they drove all the way here for this?

7. Soggy Wetzel’s pretzels.

8. Silent treatment.

9. Cactus in the knee.

10. Give them a little freedom, but they don’t know how to act.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Might be time to switch to leggins for these morning walks.

2. The two of them in their number 11’s. Only one year of this.

3. Sit on the driver's side of the fire truck!

4. Six. Seven.

5. One of my favorite days of the year: red and white bunting in the store shops and sidewalks full of screaming kids and confused tourists.

6. The colors of the sky against the eastern mountain range as the sun begins to set. An almost-full moon.

7. But is there any trust?

8. Anyone can make a play.

9. The lesson here is that even if it’s not what you want it to be, you can still make it worthwhile.

10. What a fun season this will be.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. Today feels like a rest day.

2. It’s still dark when I get up, but there’s a spaciousness to morning that I miss.

3. I see her car and know it will be a much better day.

4. Team cilantro.

5. Devil’s advocate.

6. “This is why we pray to Cardi B.”

7. An order of fries, a double cheeseburger with no secret sauce, and one glass of Turley Zinfandel.

8. “I mean, look at how far this person has gotten in life. They don’t even know how to do the dishes.”

9. She’s got hands, too.

10. Usually, they need to rig this game but the Seniors have legitimately won.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. The sound of rain. I need a good stretch anyway.

2. And meditation.

3. Sweater weather. Fireplace weather?

4. The big one is sleeping in because he can so I get to take the not-so-little ones to school today.

5. Oh. She has “hell no” written all over her face. Is it the way I’m saying it? No. I bet it actually just sounds as bad as I feel it is.

6. Tough questions.

7. She says she’s excited. Thought about it all night. I tell her that I’m happy she’s excited. And that I’m excited for her. Excited for us. A relief.

8. The misses are just symptoms of my fatigue. But I still feel so much better.

9. Should have made those turkey burgers.

10. Reciting in my head what I will say so I can get out of the door at 2:30 without feeling bad about it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy-One

1. The sound of rain on the roof. Do I walk, or do I stay? I walk.

2. Maybe it’s time to put the Instagram away. Except for basketball. But everything else? Maybe it’s time for a break.

3. It’s going to happen. I’m going to find the right one.

4. Can’t stop the yawns. Blaming it on the weather.

5. One can only eat so many sour patch kids.

6. “Don’t let them suck your soul.”

7. Rosé and talk about life. And a melon.

8. Like a black hole sucking all the life out of the building.

9. I think I found the right one.

10. Aura building.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Seventy

1. Cool air slipping beneath the covers.

2. I hear a noise in the trees. It’s too dark for me to see exactly what it is, but I think it’s the turkey, or the turkeys. I quicken my pace to avoid having to see what it is.

3. Tomorrow I’ll walk the other way.

4. I talk myself out of it because there’s simply not enough time.

5. Dark and quiet. Just like I like it.

6. He says “die” and “death” and I can’t help but laugh to myself. This is going to be interesting.

7. Finally done with these.

8. Just me and him in the gym. 2010’s playlist. Finding my rhythm.

9. Maybe, one day, this will be me sitting here in these chair supervising.

10. Klondike bar. Heath.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. This looks like a fall sky, a rain sky.

2. All this muscle, but now, no mobility.

3. Craving: a massage.

4. I am tempted to throw a log into the fire, but it still feels too soon.

5. I remember the therapist saying something about how cleaning can be therapeutic because, one, you can control it, and two, you immediately see the results of your work—instant gratification.

6. Clean car.

7. She whispers the word to the camera, and it spells it out.

8. It never takes as long as you think it will.

9. Wishing for one more day.

10. Four more weeks.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. 9:30 a.m.

2. I feel like I’ve lost an entire day. But i neeeded the extra sleep.

3. He’s sitting at the table in a towel eating eggs.

4. Family lunch at Stateline. Brisket. Tri-tip sandwich. Brisket sandwich. Burnt ends. Macaroni and cheese. Greens and Beans. We talk about how they missed all the Kansas City barbecue we used to eat: Jack Stack, Oklahoma Joe’s, Arthur Bryant’s.

5. “What’s a narp?” “You know. It’s a non-athletic regular person.”

6. More film. Halfway there.

7. I can’t remember the last time I just walked around a Target to waste time. She wants to smell all the smells. I manage enough willpower to avoid putting candy corn in the cart.

8. We just mention the part about her going over the curb.

9. I take my shower while they argue about Michael and Lebron.

10. Cheeto puffs.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. TGIF.

2. A later start, a slower pace, a little more light.

3. But, can I do it mysyelf?

4. I start heading down the hill when he calls to say they have a flat tire.

5. Catching up over decaf and egg-white scrambles.

6. It never feels like the right time.

7. The audacity of her still texting me after all of this.

8. Putting yourself in difficult situations and getting a different perspective.

9. Another shaky start with a convincing finish. 5-0.

10. “I’m just trying to get to my bed.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. Someone else is out here with a flashlight.

2. I’m still mad about it.

3. Half-day.

4. I start tearing up while putting the tiny tin of frosting on the cinnamon rolls and think of how she talked about crying while watching the coach walk with the players to the field. And, I think, maybe it’s also just a mom thing—this crying at all the little things.

5. Start there.

6. She drops off a small dish of gummy bears.

7. Made it here, but not with enough time to get to the ocean. You can feel it, though, in the air.

8. Can’t believe I never made it to the ocean once this summer.

9. “Machinehead” starts to play, and I think of how sad it is that none of these kids will ever know the iconic MTV moment when Gavin Rossdale sang “Machinehead” in the rain.

10. A lot of tears over burnt Kagemand.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Up.

2. Big Strength, Little Strength.

3. I turn my flashlight off halfway through the second lap and stare at the wakening sky.

4. The problem with walking alone is that then it’s just you and your thoughts and there’s no way to write them down. I can’t remember them all. Tomorrow, I’ll try voice notes.

5. “Did you find a coach yet?” I put my hands on my face.

6. She asks me what my reaction was. Mostly, just shock.

7. There are no gummy bears here.

8. During the meeting, he texts me that he likes the orange Sour Patch kids. I try not to giggle.

9. She and her friends make me giggle.

10. Begin with the end in mind.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. No light in the sky, and I can already feel the heat.

2. He sent me a text asking how my search is going. Not good, my friend. Not good.

3. She offers me a bite of her pain au chocolat.

4. She’s here!

5. The lights stay off for a few hours, and I’m grateful that they like me enough to sit in the dark.

6. These gummy bears, though.

7. A sweaty, but necessary walk.

8. I’ve never seen this gym in the daytime, filled with afternoon light. It’s much less intimidating than a packed gym at night.

9. Can we find something a little longer?

10. She has a bat trapped in her house.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Indigo sky studded with stars. When the trees break, there’s enough light to find my way.

2. How can he see in the dark like that?

3. Now is not the time.

4. She says that she’s walking, and she thinks she can smell harvest.

5. Dark office. Hot decaf in the Yeti. Chopin in the headphones.

6. These darn gummy bears. I tell her not to buy them when we run out.

7. Turns out I need to hit the track, too.

8. “He’s so smart!” Yeah, I know. I don’t think very many people understand just how bright he actually is.

9. Can I stay up long enough for the ice cream to come?

10. Spooky season.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Slow.

2. The decaf pods are here! The decaf pods are here!

3. I promise myself that I will not think about work today.

4. Notion templates for the sake of experimentation and organization. Too much for the mind to hold.

5. Structure. No chaos.

6. She says her body is sore from coughing so much.

7. The jays are squawking. Even through the closed windows, they sound like they sitting right above head.

8. The first one is tomorrow. Optimistic without getting hopes too high.

9. I’m going to take the time off anyway. I have a feeling I need it.

10. Cravings.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Morning light sliding into the room.

2. I’m going to believe that filling my cup halfway with regular coffee and halfway with hot water is the same as having decaf.

3. Leftover chili.

4. She asks me if I know who the dog belongs to. And, of course I do because she’s always running loose. I take her back home. Kona is her name.

5. College mail.

6. Whatever that cough is, it sounds like she’s about to give up a lung.

7. I show her how to know if an email is from a scammer. After all, the name did say “John Doe.”

8. I always want one more day.

9. Reminding myself that I can just follow the plan. It doesn’t all have to be figured out roday.

10. Okay, okay. I’ll eat some key lime pie.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Sixty

1. The sound of rain on the tree leaves.

2. Dusti! And a few other names I recognize. Ninety minutes of focus can shift a lot.

3. I move between the rooms, spraying and wiping, and whispering gratitudes to myself.

4. It just gives me breathing room.

5. Fig tart.

6. The attention is nice, but would we really travel to South Dakota?

7. This is kind of what I like about this stuff: You don’t really understand it until you’re in it and decide to be a part of it.

8. His first fumble in his entire career.

9. 34-0 to go 4-0. What fun for them.

10. A little bit of Parmesan and some crackers, and Halloween Baking Championship before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Today, it doesn’t matter how fast I go.

2. I see a lot of cars already, but none of them belong to her.

3. I’m really just here for the snacks. And the decaf pods.

4. These are the kinds of conversations that inspire me. And I wish I had made more time for them. But maybe it’s not too late.

5. Talking everyone off the ledge.

6. Nervous about what these next few months will look like. But only 38 more hours to go.

7. If you want to be a leader, these are things you must do.

8. I need a Fever Dream retreat.

9. “We were resilient.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Five Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. A sliver of moon and a blanket of stars.

2. A different route to keep me off the rocks during these dark mornings.

3. The view coming down the stairs every morning. The changing color of the light. Not even bothered by the pile of laundry that’s been sitting there for days.

4. Out of pods.

5. The last time? The last time.

6. “I want to give myself time for my self.”

7. I tell her that I just like to have a plan. I don’t like chaos. She says I need to work on my need to control when the chaos becomes too much.

8. He sends him a text about the Cubs making the playoffs.

9. Sometimes they have a lot to say.

10. “Low key, I think you could cook at PUC.”