Ten.Three Hundred & Thirty-Nine
1. Just a little bit of mist rising up above the water in the wetlands.
2. This high lunge makes me want to quit but I keep stretching anyway. I really gotta find that yoga mat.
3. Coffee. Banana. More water. Bagels and fruit for them.
4. I play him one-on-one in soccer. We are almost the same height and wear almost the same size shoes. There aren’t many of these kinds of days left.
5. I sit and watch the empty blue sky while they climb.
6. I am startled by a loud fluttering and look up to see the sweetest little hummingbird in front of my face. Good medicine indeed.
7. Chamomile and conversation with her to talk about the things. I have a long list of ideas and confessions I wish to tell her but I’ll save them for later.
8. I think back to this morning’s realization that this feeling of bigness might just be ovulation. That explains the dreams.
9. The way the sky is melting into blues and yellows and oranges.
10. How am I making meaning?
Ten.Three Hundred & Twenty-Four
1. Sundays are my favorite days. And this morning, with its slight chill, and the slowly waking sun feels like Spring.
2. Baked potatoes. I need to start the coffee. First, I drink water.
3. But yes, I think I am going to start them soon. First I need oils.
4. Chicken is dry-brining in the fridge. I lay down with them for a few minutes, my eyes closing. I promised her I'd take her to go get some clothes so I can't really fall asleep. But this right here, sandwiched between the two of them, for only a few moments feels good.
5. She really did need the clothes. I wish I had more time to shop for myself. Just a tiny bit. But all five of us are here and it I just want to get back home.
6. I text him a question and he calls me back and we talk for an hour. He tells me what to buy from Sally's.
7. I've been wanting this Spark Session for a while. I've admired what Lauren does and have gained wisdom from the things she shares on her Instagram. The 75 minutes is fast but just long enough for her to get me to the meat of one of my needs. I need community.
8. The action steps are challenging. By challenging I don't mean impossible, but they definitely will push me out of my comfort zone. What strikes me most is how much asking I will need to do. And I can feel how uncomfortable it's making me. The idea of all of this asking. Asking for leads on jobs, asking for time alone, asking for people to give me or lead me to other resources that will help me grow.
9. He asks me what my exit plan is for this hairstyle. I suppose I can just shave it all off and start over.
10. Someone's car alarm is going off in the distance. I know it's early but it feels late. My armpits are itching and burning; an allergic reaction to the deodorant I think. I need to find something else natural. I haven't been this uncomfortable in a long time. I clean my armpits with soap and water and change my shirt. Just enough relief to ease into sleep.
Ten.Three Hundred & Twenty-Two
1. She’s sitting there eating toast in her robe and glasses and at this moment she seems way older than 8. “I woke up at 5:40. I already made my lunch.”
2. I light palo santo and take a deep breath. This is my new favorite ritual. In the old house I was always lighting incense.
3. The prayer flags from India she sent me are glowing in the soft white light of morning.
4. I write my meal plan and grocery list in the car while I wait for the health foods store to open. I probably could have just ordered tahini from Amazon.
5. This is my last child-free Friday.
6. Pinot Bianco from Slovenia. Beet salad and calamari. A semolina cake with coconut cream and coconut sorbet.
7. I kind of hate this part where he introduces me to all of his co-workers. I mean, it’s great but I sometimes don’t like it. I’d sometimes rather be anonymous. What did Amanda say in the book? I like being seen but I don’t like being looked at.
8. The book store name is rather pedestrian but I’m amazed by the selection. I find two books, a dollar each, and then a set of flash cards for the kids for $5. The younger two will dig them.
9. I write her a letter in the pick-up line while the rain falls.
10. Bath tea. The nettles turned the water the softest shade of green.
Ten.Three Hundred & Eighteen
1. Sky so dark it still looks like night.
2. Tree tops bending in the wind. Flashes of lightning but no thunder.
3. Too much time before they leave. And yet sometimes it’s not enough.
4. Tea and conversation with her where dreams spill out into reality and I have zero doubt and maybe only a few small questions that really seem kind of insignificant.
5. And this is the kind of partnership and collaboration that feels so natural and full of ease that you have to pinch yourself because you’re just too freakin’ excited and giddy with gratitude.
6. Raen Pinot Noir and a turkey burger with fries.
7. Blue-grey sky moving in. So ready fo the next round of storms. I’ve always loved the way Thunder makes you feel small.
8. Ancestors. Roots. Return to the Earth. Trust my own process. Fractals and integration. Tonight is the new moon?
9. Having to have a back up to the back up plan for dinner because you didn't think about travel time for your Brandless box and didn't buy enough protein on your shopping trip. So dinner is almost an hour late but it's good and so it's all ok.
10. But it still doesn't feel right and I have to trust that this is my gut talking not fear. How do I take that feeling from Fever Dreams—that feeling of "oh my goodness, it IS possible to be surrounded by beauty and by beautiful soul-full women and work and earn money"—to non-retreat kinds of work? Like, what does that look like in reality?
Ten.Three Hundred & Six
1. The early light.
2. Granola with flax milk, blackberries and blueberries, and walnuts.
3. Heron medicine: Calm, Grace, Solitude, Patience, Longevity, Versatility, Tranquility, Good Luck, Partnership, Intelligence, Domesticity, Being Present, Determination, Independence, Resourcefulness.
4. The relief and joy from seeing so much green on my baby hydrangeas. I think of the other things I want to grow: Rosemary and basil and iris and tulips and daffodils, and forsythia, and ranunculus, vegetables and fruits.
5. I stop myself from thinking about whether or not we'll be here in 5 years to even enjoy the flowers and the fruit because all that really matters is now. And right now is all that matters.
6. Making plans.
7. Grateful for the slowness of this day. The afternoon is doing a slow melt instead of a fast run and this feels good to me.
8. Are you actively practicing generosity and vulnerability in order to make the connections between you and others clear, open, available, durable? - Emergent Strategy
9. Remembering that it doesn't have to be either/or, that two things can exist at the same time and be in service to each other.
10. Sleep.