Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. Heading toward the city in the dark.

2. He tells us they will not give a companion pass for us to escort her through security. She seems a bit shocked at first, but says she’ll be just fine. I explain that it’s her first time alone. Still, no. A quick verbal list of instructions as she gets in line.

3. Sunrise over the bay waters as we travel back to the valley.

4. There’s this moment when the landscape shifts, just after you pass Don Giovanni and Ashes & Diamonds, where you feel you’re about to enter another realm. That’s the magic of the upper valley.

5. Avocado, olive oil. a sprinkle of sea salt.

6. Morning pages in the chair overlooking trees, tips golden from the morning sun.

7. I’d rather not guess.

8. These refs clearly don’t want to be in this gym.

9. He shows me the fish he caught—one very small, one rather large. He’s clearly very proud of himself.

10. I hear his coach call his name. He runs in from the outfield to take the mound. “Oh, boy,” we say in unison.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Granting grace.

2. But the laundry.

3. I give her the cliff notes version. There is still so much to say.

4. The most Monday kind of Friday.

5. Besides the high blood pressure, this is the other reason why I had stopped the caffeine.

6. It’s not whay you're giving up, but what you’re gaining in return.

7. Progress.

8. A little bit of sun peeking through the clouds.

9. I understand enough that he’s telling her he will buy her carne asada if she hits the ball.

10. A clean bathroom. Fresh sheets. A vacuumed floor.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. The sound of the rain.

2. Will I really miss two days in a row?

3. The mind and body are in opposition.

4. More voices than usual in the room, but it adds another kind of energy, a liveliness that is welcome on a day like today.

5. Nothing but gray skies.

6. When you get what you wanted, but not exactly.

7. One degree of separation.

8. Bourbon Maple Walnut fudge.

9. Maple-miso glazed chicken and Brussels sprouts. Some baby potatoes added to bulk it up.

10. “The highest form of freedom is based on want, not need. Choosing what yo want takes radical honesty, commitment, and courage.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Cold creeping in through the windows.

2. It’s okay to take a day off. But is it?

3. Realizing that 2.434 days is almost seven years. Seven years' worth of memories, phrases, bottles of wine, and meals.

4. A floss pick sitting in the middle of the mulch.

5. Thank goodness I remembered my nails.

6. There are twenty other things that need to be done, but I’d rather be here, doing this.

7. But doing this, I feel the distance between myself and my creativity. I miss picking up my camera. I miss freewriting. I miss co-creation. I miss the unencumbered pursuit of random and strange ideas.

8. I just can’t remember anything these days.

9. Autonomy. Mastery. Purpose.

10. Type I.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. I thought my eyes were only closed for a minute, but it’s been 41 minutes.

2. But the voice coming from the screen is right: I moved the energy.

3. “Why reach for something you can never fully attain? But it’s also a source of allure. Why not reach for it? The joy is in the pursuit more than the realization. In the end, mastery attracts precisely because mastery eludes.” - Daniel H. Pink, Drive

4. It feels like an escape.

5. Fruit and sushi for al fresco lunch with the girls. Basking in the warmth and the sun and the blue skies and the laughter.

6. She’s visibly nervous.

7. He asks if he’s seen us before. We have. But we’re not planning on a third time. What happened to that community service?

8. I tell him that I found my lights.

9. Numbers creeping upward.

10. Not ready for hot nights.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Double the weight and extra deep stretch.

2. Ink on the sleeve.

3. This morning’s light. Why would I want to be anywhere but home?

4. Babylon Sisters.

5. I’ll regret it if I don’t eat my lunch outside, even if it is seventy-something and my lunch is a hot bowl of soup.

6. More Post-it notes.

7. “Meaningful achievement depends on lifting one's sights and pushing toward the horizon.” - Drive

8. I need to remember my whistle next week.

9. I say that I don’t have dimples, and they both tell me I do. How do I not know this at this age? He says it’s because I don’t smile enough. I hear my brother say through the phone, “That tracks.”

10. He says he was wondering why I am spending my time doing this on Mondays, but now he understands. It’s because it’s fun for me.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. I realize that we forgot to connect, but everyone is still asleep, and last night was a long night, so maybe it’s for the better.

2. Crisp white oxford and jeans and thick wooly socks.

3. Groceries ordered, meals planned, still not sure who is going to cook them all.

4. What to do with these stacks of Post-its?

5. “The impact of leadership is best judged over time.” - Leaders Eat Last

6. Categories of identities. That one can prioritize their identities. How we assign identities to others. What identities do we control? Which ones are constructs?

7. They finish with some hardware. Three out of four isn’t bad.

8. I finish reading the paragraph and open the sliding glass door. I realize that I didn’t spend any time outside today. And what a beautiful day it was.

9. Have we missed the window?

10. It’s never too late.
    

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Take it slow.

2. Early haircut for one, then back home for coffee and morning pages to organize the day.

3. Overcast morning, and the soft white light filtering through the house.

4. Collecting the stacks of Post-its on my desk—notes from audiobooks:

   “Affirm your values!”

   “PRESENCE + COMMUNITY”

   “Time is the greatest revealer of truth.”

   “Growth is an output, not a reason for being.”

5. Lettuce wrap burger and fries with everyone. It’s just a little bit cold, and you can feel a few raindrops here and there.

6. I bring the library books with me in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze a quick trip in before we must go, but there is not enough time. There is never enough time.

7. Falling asleep in the car. I can’t help but close my eyes. I blame the burger and the workweek.

8. The sounds of AAU basketball.

9. It might just be his feet.

10. “The transformation occurs by operating from a seemingly impossible and imagined future, and takes you in a non-linear and radically different direction and approach that what you (and everyone else) have been doing up to this point.” - 10x is Easier Than 2x

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-One

1. No regrets.

2. Where is that foam roller?

3. Today feels like a day for the kimono.

4. What did I hear myself say today? What values are currently in alignment? What values are missing?

5. He simply forgot.

6. It’s the end of the shoot day, and we suddenly realize that we haven’t eaten anything all day.

7. It has felt like Friday since Monday. Something about the energy of the week. Frenetic. Frantic. Frenzied.

8. He changed his walk-up song. The first five seconds countdown from five to one. Number 1.

9. Sometimes, it’s the accumulation of the little things that send you over the edge.

10. You could just run away.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty

1. Is it Friday yet?

2. Something is different about the light. Ah. They are gone now; no more glow from their deck.

3. I finish my bracket just in time.

4. There is something about this that I like. Can I make it a regular part of my routine?

5. The way I am avoiding my emails these days.

6. As they relay the story, I feel even more of my energy leave my body. There are two things that give me pause which ultimately lead me to realization that there is no trust. So where do you go from there?

7. We end with three runs scored. They have it in them.

8. He says something about a smoked brisket, and I’m a definite yes. “There’s no vegetables,” he says.

9. The kind of madness you’re looking for in March.

10. I can’t believe I missed the first day of spring.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Been too long.

2. When will holding a down dog feel easier?

3. Belgian waffle with whipped cream and strawberries, a cup of coffee, and friendship.

4. Rainy Sundays.

5. They’ve already done the hardest part; now, here’s a list of what else needs to be done. And it’s a lot.

6. I can do this instead of complaining. I’ll summon the energy from somewhere deep down.

7. Syllabus tests.

8. “…moving toward chosen goals even when it’s emotionally difficult.”

9. Firewood Fairy.

10. The time of the night when the frogs are the loudest.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. I find another white oxford and a pair of thick socks. I wonder if I should buy a carton of wood for the fireplace.

2. 8:30 snuck up on me real quick.

3. Numb fingers again.

4. From my seat in the upper corner of the stands, I spot someone drinking coffee out of the camping mug I made for donors and gave to volunteers. How cool to see someone using it out in the wild.

5. I had somehow forgotten how much of a big deal this day is. I watch as the tiny tots run across the field and see the names of teams past: Mustangs, Red Sox, Eagles, Crushers. This is the last year.

6. She turns around and asks me if I’m the basketball coach. She introduces me to her daughter, who is playing on the 4th-grade team I’ll be helping this spring. I repeat their names in my head so that I don’t forget. The little girl and I both have A names.

7. We say we want the car and he offers to buy us lunch while he gets the title. He owns the cafe in the square where Jeannette and I would eat lunch before heading to Westerbeck Ranch. I miss the ranch. I don’t want to buy a car. I do want another retreat.

8. I don’t know any of these parents.

9. Can I make this fun?

10. “Aren’t you the parents of that superstar football player?” We laugh.

11. So interesting to watch these plays—musicals that I watched as a child—with the understanding I have now as an adult.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Small things done consistently.

2. So cold. So wet.

3. I walk out of the bathroom and spot her, out of uniform, in gym class. “Where’s your gym shirt?” I say as she pretends not to see me.

4. The truth is that there really isn’t much I would change. I want to repeat and refine.

5. Slow it down.

6. The first emails for the spring session.

7. I hear the man say that he cooks every morning and that he’s the kind of person who needs to clean the pan before he eats. Same, sir. Same.

8. I keep moving these random post-its around my desk. They are full of scribblings from the audiobooks I’ve been listening to over the past few months.

9. I tell him that I’m done making decisions today.

10. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Sore knees and elbows. I decide to listen to my body and rest instead.

2. Looks like there may be a baseball game after all. I’m going to need a bigger coat.

3. “The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.”

4. Trust your gut.

5. So, we’re all feeling the same thing.

6. I pop a bag of popcorn on my way out for a snack. I realize that I never got around to eating my lunch—too many meetings.

7. I fold the letter, put it back in the envelope, and tuck it into my inside coat pocket. Some days, I feel like the luckiest.

8. The rain stays away long enough to make the game enjoyable—just enough sun to keep the chill away for most of the afternoon.

9. He says it’s clear from the picture how loving our friendship is.

10. This was a better idea.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. I remember that he has the early practice today, so I must get out of bed.

2. The rain has started. There’s a thin coating of wet over everything.

3. I already miss the sun.

4. The feeling of coming back to an empty house at 8 a.m. to start the day. Coffee and slippers and a an ever-growing list of emergencies to tend to.

5. The sound of the rain whipping against the glass.

6. Fried chicken and a glass of 2022 La Pelle Sauvignon Blanc on a very rainy day.

7. The work is to take what’s in front of you and figure out how you can shape it into something that can feed the need.

8. Double everything.

9. They all say how weird it is to see light at 7:30 at night. I say it’s exciting.

10. No, not Friday yet.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. “Fiery yoga.’

2. First one in the office means I get to keep the lights off for at least a little while longer.

3. I think about taking a break for a walk outside, but something about today doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen.

4. As I listen to the book, I see the real live examples playing out in the day-to-day.

5. Does it feel like there’s no plan? Definitely. I’m pretty certain there isn’t one. It’s just a feeling you get when people are winging it. Is it worse to have a bad plan or no plan at all?

6. These are not emergencies.

7. Almost over the fence. “It’s because he doesn’t care,” I whisper out the corner of my mouth.

8. Tomato soup and grilled cheese.

9. Sometimes, these kids are amusing. If you let them talk, you learn so much.

10. So glad tomorrow is Wednesday.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. How am I still sweating this early in the morning?

2. The last thing I expect to see. This little message—it’s giving me anxiety. It feels all too familiar. I try to push it out of my mind.

3. On the other hand, I’m inspired to write another entry on Substack.

4. Another class is changing terms, and the semester begins in a week.

5. Also, how is it already in the middle of March?

6. Carnitas in the park.

7. She says no one likes him, but that’s really not that surprising.

8. Something must be happening today in the NFL because my ESPN alerts are going crazy.

9. Roasted chicken, creamy kale, olive oil, and garlic couscous. “I don’t usually pat myself on the back,” I say. “But this is a tasty dinner.” Another reason a work-from-home day solves so many of my problems.

10. At least I got him talking.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Really feeling that hour.

2. I want to go but know that there is too much to be done at home. And honestly, after yesterday, I probably need a day of cocooning. Then I remember all of the laundry.

3. You must begin somewhere.

4. Banging on the windows to stop the woodpeckers from forward progress.

5. About that laundry.

6. Was there ever a time when meal planning was fun?

7. Cornbread and butter.

8. Thinking about not thinking about work. There will be time for that.

9. The stands feel crowded, and the faces unfamiliar.

10. I think this is the fifth baseball/softball game for me this week. Not a complaint. More like a shocking realization.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Early to rise.

2. It’s cold, but standing here in the sun, I realize that I didn’t need my coat or my gloves. Clear blue sky and a yellow glow over everything

3. A racing mind.

4. Remember the simple things.

5. What I think I need is a nap. It’s the onslaught of questions. Or maybe it’s the to-do list. Or maybe it’s just life in general. But I know I just need a moment alone.

6. Sunshine sushi in the stands before the game begins. It’s a quiet, easy kind of afternoon.

7. She’s right; it was a good idea not to get sunflower seeds.

8. I tell him that the way this is all unfolding feels like poetic justice.

9. Leadership should be vulnerable.

10. A little bit of wine while waiting for the pizza order to be finished.

11. Not realizing that not making a choice is a choice, and then, as a result, you aren’t left with anything that you actually want.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty

1. Finally Friday.

2. Which game are we playing? Finite or Infinite?

3. Trying to catch up many months in just a few hours. Hungry for depth.

4. The fact that they keep repeating that it will “be fun” most certainly means it will not be fun.

5. Just get through. Over and through.

6. They forgot to keep the secret sauce.

7. Solo drive. Phone call instead of music or a podcast. Watching the landscape change as I drive further and further away. Sometimes, I miss the rolling green hills of the East Bay.

8. I know that as soon as the sun drops behind the mountain, it will feel like the arctic tundra.

9. If In ‘n’ Out is involved, she’s going to ride the bus back home.

10. Watching the sunset in the rearview mirror. West coast sunsets just have a different feel.