Ten.Four Hundred & Seventy-Eight
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The quiet is always so good.
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Must make a list. The list is long. I will shorten it to what’s really doable today. I have a countdown and am working backwards. What actions today will have me more prepared for tomorrow?
3. Cereal or granola or oatmeal. He stomps back up the stairs.
4. A canopy of trees, clear sunlight, squirrels at the feet.
5. Spiced bar nuts and a tiny glass of Vouvray because this might be the last time we get to do this.
6. Leftover chicken noodle soup and paper work for lunch.
7. I should really start packing.
8. We got it. And so now there’s a place to shift into. It felt more right than the other one, even though I wanted the view of the rolling hills. But a cul-de-sac and a park and a little bit more grass tipped me over. Plus the house just had good vibes. I felt them when I walked in.
9. Relief.
10. 16 days.
Ten.Four Hundred & Fifty-Four
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I will remember that he has soccer this morning.
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I have no desire to make a meal plan for the upcoming week but every desire to eat at some point. So I guess I will make a list. Or at least a rough outline.
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I have no words. I mean, I have no time to work out what wants to be said in a way that makes sense right now and so I type a single sentence. How does one begin?
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It’s dark and cool and the kind of weather that makes you want to sleep all day. Soup again for dinner. And a sandwich. Maybe a salad too. Or chips. That sounds like a good dinner for a Friday.
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I am silent. I am thinking all the things but not wanting to speak out loud. I tell him that I’m going to get rid of Facebook. It doesn’t serve me. I don’t know if it really serves any one. I’ve tried multiple ways of trying to make in work so that I’m in alignment with my own values and goals but I find myself continuing to resist it. I don’t want to be consumed.
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Petit Chablis and Pinot Nero. Prawns, sausage flatbread, cheese plate, charcuterie board.
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Not cool, but cold.
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If I start the soup now then I can lay around and drink tea with the kids after school without feeling rushed to get dinner done. Strip corn from the cobs; chop the onions and the bell pepper, the celery and the carrots.
9. The rain is falling and it’s exactly the kind of weather you want for soup and a slow evening.
10. Yeah, I think I’m done.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-Two
1. I just need to get them to school.
2. Of course this is the morning they want pasta and grilled cheese to pack for lunch. And someone else wants a shirt ironed. I just need them to get to school.
3. Wet tissue on the console and a mug of hot ginger and lemon tea.
4. I bring the laptop to bed and run through emails while I drink another glass of water and another mug of tea.
5. I can hear the wind whipping outside. Everything is dry though. There is no rain. I’d really like to breathe.
6. I close my eyes.
7. Twilight Zone in the background while I try to sleep away this cold.
8. Tomorrow at 10:45 am.
9. I sit out on the back stoop in the sun to warm up. I watch the trees and the tall grass wave back and forth. I can only hear the rustling of the leaves. I think of how I will miss this space.
10. He always sees more in me than I can see within myself.
Ten.Four Hundred & Twenty-One
1. I'm washing my face and she wants to know if she can make scones.
2. This feels less like allergies and more like a cold. I know what to do; today means no caffeine, no dairy, a long nap, lots of ginger tea.
3. Heat.
4. We cut down the sunflower. It’s nkt as heavy as I thought it would be. Im sad to see it go but we will try again next year.
5. I write out my ideal outcomes: someone who will love this house as much as I do and has sufficient funds to purchase it so that we can be on our way. Or help from the company to accelerate the sale. And then the most right fit in California. A job for me at a winery where I get to stretch myself into a different kind of work but that still lets me play up my strengths. A vibrant west coast network.
6. 6-6:15.
7. I can’t stop sneezing.
8. I’d rather be at home.
9. There’s grass just inside the door so at least they went outside. But they didn’t take a flier.
10. Night time medicine, more tea, more water.
Ten.Three Hundred & Eighty-Nine
1. I wake up from the dream. We had an open house and I was walking with the realtor asking him for feedback. He asks me, "Do you want to sell the house, or do you want to move to California?" I feel like it's a trick question, but maybe it's not. Also, why does a dream about an open house feel more like a nightmare?
2. The tick of the sprinkler down the street. I can't see it but I know which house it is coming from.
3. December 12. Campbell, CA. That's the one.
4. I let him play while I do laundry. This morning, laundry feels like the only thing I am capable of doing. Head ache. Can't think. Read and wash and dry and fold.
5. I squeal at her news. Because it's a blessing to be able to share in the success of others. Because I'm always rooting for her and always wanting to see her win. And because it's amazing to watch someone grow into themselves and watch things they proclaimed for themselves years ago begin to come true.
6. I try to nap and reset myself but it doesn't work. I am mostly walking around with my hands in my pockets. This is anxiety at its finest. Also, I'm waiting on emails and not much else can happen until other people do the things on their ends.
7. Before I meet her to pick up the kids, I decide to do two things: something that feels like self-care and something that is productive and necessary for my move. I choose a book, Children of Blood & Bone, and labels for the moving boxes.
8. I think of Nia as I go and cut thyme and rosemary and sage and oregano. I think of how I can decide to feel safe right now in my home, with these plants and with my books and with my people.
9. I don't think he realized what he said.
10. I decide on a bowl of ice cream before I fall asleep. I decide that tomorrow will be different and maybe better. I decide that tomorrow I can try again. I decide that today's win was recognizing that my thoughts were not truth, and that everything is going to still be amazing, because this is still a dream coming true. This is the just the bitter part before the sweet.