Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Time to wake up.

2. So cold for yoga this morning. Should have started that fire.

3. He says no to the stuffed animals, but I manage to find a few tiny chocolate bunnies.

4. Begin the focaccia. Begin the mac and cheese. Make an apple crisp.

5. Hammock and sun. Already wishing for one more day.

6. Better, but also not.

7. What would happen if I just ignored this?

8. Two helpings.

9. “Who do you want to be known as?”

10. Eventually, it will all make sense.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Rest.

2. I emerge from the shower much, much later than usual. A warm glow in the living room. Quiet.

3. “You’re not stuck; you’re misaligned.”

4. I check off the boxes. I feel like a lily in the ocean. These waters are unfamiliar and unwelcome. Where are my still waters?

5. Speed cleaning before it’s time to leave for her softball game.

6. A woman who cuts her hair is a woman who is about to change her life. Or who is experiencing hormonal and stress-related thinning?

7. Perfect weather for sitting in the stands; moderate temperature, a clear and sunny sky, and a light breeze.

8. I see him warming up in the bullpen on my way back from the bathroom. He only needs three outs.

9. Headaches.

10. Wonton soup before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Morning light.

2. Water. Lots more water.

3. Tacos and sun and silence.

4. “Say ‘Bye tio’.”

5. Rehearsing my explanation for the next email thread.

6. Girls just want to have fun.

7. 17 going on 13.

8. Funny how when the power goes out it’s like a snow day and suddenly, none of the rules apply.

9. I leave the two of them downstairs with their small TV and makeshift beds on the sofa, then light a few candles and take them upstairs to add a glow to the bathroom.

10. He thinks of it as a way of holding him.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. These weights are heavy. My breathing is loud.

2. Deep sigh.

3. Several cups of decaf coffee and probably not enough water.

4. A campus tour is never as good as it could be when it’s cloudy. But still, not a bad place. Lots of trees. A rock-climbing wall.

5. We let the two of them walk ahead, side-by-side. They’re talking. Who knows what it’s about, but it doesn’t really matter.

6. They tell us that our order isn’t ready, and I turn around and say I’m sure it’s not when one car orders 50 nuggets.

7. Who is not saying the thing?

8. It’s always about managing up.

9. He brings it up again, and my feelings about it all resurface once more.

10. Carrot cake and a cup of decaf.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Another day to hit the snooze.

2. Stronger than yesterday.

3. I zoom in with my camera phone to realize that it’s just an orange cat, a tabby, grooming itself in the morning sun.

4. I forgot my bag again…this time, the one with the food.

5. Time is creeping by in this agenda-less meeting. Folding my hands behind my head. Eating cut pineapple because I can’t get more angry. Trying to fix my energy.

6. I remember that I have tomorrow off, and that brings a little bit of peace.

7. I wish I were better at faking it. Or do I?

8. If you can’t laugh, what are you even doing?

9. What does unreasonable hospitality look like in this situation?

10. So many ideas and never enough time.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Five

1. Steely Dan and windy roads.

2. Looking up, all I see is sunlight and cobwebs and dirty windows.

3. But the whole point of this is to breathe.

4. But a blowout? I didn’t think it would be a blowout.

5. Man, I miss basketball.

6. Writing morning pages in the afternoon. Wrapped in sunshine. Hummingbird fluttering in front of my face. Butterfly floating by the trees.

7. Pray for peace and ease. Insight and courage and discipline. Trust and surrender.

8. Too much seaweed.

9. Well. When you don’t practice for a week…

10. Burnt in the center, but just enough around the edges of the pan for the three of us to make a meal.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Better today than yesterday.

2. Alternating hot water with lemon and small cups of decaf while I finish the work.

3. Seeing the possibility of what it could be.

4. Coffee on the deck. No sweater needed. Loud birds. Tall trees. Wishing I could have taken the entire week off to be home with them. Maybe there’s another way to make the most of it.

5. A rebirth.

6. There is something oddly ironic about them having a copy of “Unreasonable Hospitality” on the hostess stand when there is no hostess.

7. Trays full of espresso martinis, and it’s just barely noon.

8. Books and a chair outside in the sun. Thank goodness.

9. The schedule is almost done. It will be here before I know it. But I can’t wait.

10. Make a list, or else you’ll forget.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Up before the alarm.

2. That feeling you get when you curl back up under the sheets and concentrate all your warmth.

3. First, coaching.

4. What is within your control? Right. Those words sound familiar.

5. Then, therapy. “You need a break,” she says. “Can you get out in nature?” “I live in nature.”

6. Two down, two to go.

7. Assume the best intentions anyway.

8. The gift of walking around in a quiet, clean house.

9. Just don’t look in the refrigerator.

10. Maybe next year.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. What’s changed?

2. Watching the color of the sky change from deep blue to watery orange and pink and the lush green of the hillsides and the trees.

3. I promise myself that I will get outside during the workday and will not eat my lunch at my desk.

4. Sunlight.

5. Little fires everywhere keeping me from the actual work. And actual work keeping me from being great.

6. Best laid plans.

7. Autonomy.

8. I look down at my ankles and realize they have doubled in size. I think I need to sit more often now.

9. More and more articles about internal tremors of long-haulers. No one seems to understand what I mean by the random full-body vibrations. Shaking on the inside, but steady on the outside.

10. There are three kinds of self-talk: positive, negative, and neutral. “… is often instructional…movements, strategies, or tactics.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-One

1. 4:45 a.m.

2. That whirring sound. Must be vineyard fans blowing. It’s that time of year again.

3. The day feels so spacious with only one drop off and all the sun spilling into the room.

4. The day is full of sidequests.

5. The usual. Chicken Tikka Masala — mild.

6. It does feel way longer than a year.

7. A squirrel sitting on its hind legs, nibbling on something, while staring out at the street.

8. Do fewer things.

9. What’s in a name?

10. Is it true?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty

1. Everything is so wet.

2. The sound of water gushing from beneath the sink.

3. I really don’t like April Fool’s.

4. Belly-shirt guy.

5. “Intention means every decision, from the most obviously significant to the seemingly mundane, matters.” - Will Guidar, Unreasonable Hospitality

6. Trying not to care is almost impossible.

7. Assuming a lot of things these days, and it’s leading to a lot of confusion.

8. Moving the Post-its from the purse to the downstairs desk to the upstairs desk.

9. In the video, he (Adam Grant) says that a contribution journal is more effective than a gratitude journal. A gratitude journal is a reflection of what’s been given to you; when you think about what you’ve given to others, it’s a more motivating and more rewarding feeling.

10. In the end, I decide to stay home, skip the cold, wet game, and eat popcorn while I do homework.

11. 87 days.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. You can do it.

2. “…how to sustainably create valuable things…”

3. Do you have enough autonomy to experiment with slowing down time?

4. Waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And then waiting some more.

5. An unexpected wash of sunshine.

6. When you’re here in real time, you can see the gaps.

7. What is required is discipline.

8. I really wish he would tell them that it’s called the elbow. It’s not the corner.

9. Honey chipotle tacos with black beans, cotija, cilantro, and pickled onions.

10. 87 days.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Rain on the roof. Slow moving.

2. Burning the last of the logs. Toes wiggling closer to the fire for warmth. Hot tea to keep the hands warm.

3. Another 600 words written in addition to yesterday’s 800. Strengths and areas of improvement. It feels like only one thing holding me back; but surely it’s not just the one thing.

4. A bowl of popcorn and some sparkling water before a nap. “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” playing quietly in the background.

5. She followed through.

6. Constricted.

7. Waiting for the cancellation.

8. He says something about the Christmas on the back deck. The important thing is just that it’s out of the house. I just needed to get it out of the house.

9. Only three of us for dinner on a Sunday night. “Low key” being used to start every other story.

10. I didn’t get around to the Post-its.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. Heading toward the city in the dark.

2. He tells us they will not give a companion pass for us to escort her through security. She seems a bit shocked at first, but says she’ll be just fine. I explain that it’s her first time alone. Still, no. A quick verbal list of instructions as she gets in line.

3. Sunrise over the bay waters as we travel back to the valley.

4. There’s this moment when the landscape shifts, just after you pass Don Giovanni and Ashes & Diamonds, where you feel you’re about to enter another realm. That’s the magic of the upper valley.

5. Avocado, olive oil. a sprinkle of sea salt.

6. Morning pages in the chair overlooking trees, tips golden from the morning sun.

7. I’d rather not guess.

8. These refs clearly don’t want to be in this gym.

9. He shows me the fish he caught—one very small, one rather large. He’s clearly very proud of himself.

10. I hear his coach call his name. He runs in from the outfield to take the mound. “Oh, boy,” we say in unison.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. The sound of the rain.

2. Will I really miss two days in a row?

3. The mind and body are in opposition.

4. More voices than usual in the room, but it adds another kind of energy, a liveliness that is welcome on a day like today.

5. Nothing but gray skies.

6. When you get what you wanted, but not exactly.

7. One degree of separation.

8. Bourbon Maple Walnut fudge.

9. Maple-miso glazed chicken and Brussels sprouts. Some baby potatoes added to bulk it up.

10. “The highest form of freedom is based on want, not need. Choosing what yo want takes radical honesty, commitment, and courage.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Cold creeping in through the windows.

2. It’s okay to take a day off. But is it?

3. Realizing that 2.434 days is almost seven years. Seven years' worth of memories, phrases, bottles of wine, and meals.

4. A floss pick sitting in the middle of the mulch.

5. Thank goodness I remembered my nails.

6. There are twenty other things that need to be done, but I’d rather be here, doing this.

7. But doing this, I feel the distance between myself and my creativity. I miss picking up my camera. I miss freewriting. I miss co-creation. I miss the unencumbered pursuit of random and strange ideas.

8. I just can’t remember anything these days.

9. Autonomy. Mastery. Purpose.

10. Type I.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. I thought my eyes were only closed for a minute, but it’s been 41 minutes.

2. But the voice coming from the screen is right: I moved the energy.

3. “Why reach for something you can never fully attain? But it’s also a source of allure. Why not reach for it? The joy is in the pursuit more than the realization. In the end, mastery attracts precisely because mastery eludes.” - Daniel H. Pink, Drive

4. It feels like an escape.

5. Fruit and sushi for al fresco lunch with the girls. Basking in the warmth and the sun and the blue skies and the laughter.

6. She’s visibly nervous.

7. He asks if he’s seen us before. We have. But we’re not planning on a third time. What happened to that community service?

8. I tell him that I found my lights.

9. Numbers creeping upward.

10. Not ready for hot nights.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Double the weight and extra deep stretch.

2. Ink on the sleeve.

3. This morning’s light. Why would I want to be anywhere but home?

4. Babylon Sisters.

5. I’ll regret it if I don’t eat my lunch outside, even if it is seventy-something and my lunch is a hot bowl of soup.

6. More Post-it notes.

7. “Meaningful achievement depends on lifting one's sights and pushing toward the horizon.” - Drive

8. I need to remember my whistle next week.

9. I say that I don’t have dimples, and they both tell me I do. How do I not know this at this age? He says it’s because I don’t smile enough. I hear my brother say through the phone, “That tracks.”

10. He says he was wondering why I am spending my time doing this on Mondays, but now he understands. It’s because it’s fun for me.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. I realize that we forgot to connect, but everyone is still asleep, and last night was a long night, so maybe it’s for the better.

2. Crisp white oxford and jeans and thick wooly socks.

3. Groceries ordered, meals planned, still not sure who is going to cook them all.

4. What to do with these stacks of Post-its?

5. “The impact of leadership is best judged over time.” - Leaders Eat Last

6. Categories of identities. That one can prioritize their identities. How we assign identities to others. What identities do we control? Which ones are constructs?

7. They finish with some hardware. Three out of four isn’t bad.

8. I finish reading the paragraph and open the sliding glass door. I realize that I didn’t spend any time outside today. And what a beautiful day it was.

9. Have we missed the window?

10. It’s never too late.
    

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Take it slow.

2. Early haircut for one, then back home for coffee and morning pages to organize the day.

3. Overcast morning, and the soft white light filtering through the house.

4. Collecting the stacks of Post-its on my desk—notes from audiobooks:

   “Affirm your values!”

   “PRESENCE + COMMUNITY”

   “Time is the greatest revealer of truth.”

   “Growth is an output, not a reason for being.”

5. Lettuce wrap burger and fries with everyone. It’s just a little bit cold, and you can feel a few raindrops here and there.

6. I bring the library books with me in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze a quick trip in before we must go, but there is not enough time. There is never enough time.

7. Falling asleep in the car. I can’t help but close my eyes. I blame the burger and the workweek.

8. The sounds of AAU basketball.

9. It might just be his feet.

10. “The transformation occurs by operating from a seemingly impossible and imagined future, and takes you in a non-linear and radically different direction and approach that what you (and everyone else) have been doing up to this point.” - 10x is Easier Than 2x