Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Six
I hear his alarm, which means it’s an hour later than I want it to be.
I stare out at the sunrise while in goddess pose and get excited about the longer stretches of light that come with spring.
Warm.
Podcasts and emails and water and snacks.
I tell her that this parenting thing is so stressful. So stressful. How do we survive this?
It’s warm, the sun is out, and so are the people. Feels like a smile on the inside.
The first thing I do when we sit is slather a piece of bread with butter and start to eat. Lately, I feel so hungry.
Two wint-o-green mints in the front pocket.
I realize that the problem is I’ve developed some new kinds of coping mechanisms that I don’t like.
Not knowing if what you think is the right thing is really the right thing.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Five
Inching closer and closer to the edge of the bed.
Sensing all the tension in the shoulders. The required conscious effort to relax the shoulders and the jaw. Maybe I’m just overdue for a massage.
Tights.
Light bouncing off the running water in the river.
I need a walking pad to put under this desk if I’m going to keep eating the salt and vinegar Kettle chips.
Alone in the office. I turn down all the lights and enjoy the quiet.
We talk about honesty and no poker faces, and things would be better if everyone could tell the truth.
The warmth. The glow of the setting sun. Windows down. You can feel it coming.
Release it from expectation. Build it in real-time. Make no promises to anyone but yourself. Be free.
I still don’t think I’ve changed his mind.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Four
Waited too long to get out of bed.
I pick a new workout with a new trainer, and she keeps saying, “damn it,” and it’s distracting, but the workout is good.
My list of to-do’s keeps getting longer and longer, and I keep thinking, “They really should rehire that position.”
Chicken in the salad. PTSD.
The sun is breaking through. Thank goodness for a break in the rain.
Well. It could be something. It could be nothing. Just wait and see.
When your daughter’s friends says she lives for your Instagram, all you can do is laugh. And worry a bit. But mostly laugh.
It’s not how you want to end, but someone has to lose. You just never want it to be you.
Stunted.
Watching Sports Center highlights, and it’s the USC game, and I think to myself, “Sometimes, I think I’m wound tighter than Juju Watkin’s bun.” A giggle.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Three
I could get up now, or I could lay here a little longer under the weight of the blanket.
Just a few more minutes.
Bright morning light sneaking through the valley.
Glad to know it wasn’t my imagination.
Slow and steady.
A bag full of lemons.
A handful of wint-o-green lifesavers stuffed into the cupholder.
I don’t think I really want to meet in person. I know what this conversation is going to be about.
But I get it. I’m the only one who can do it. Whatever gives them the most confidence, I guess?
And then again, there is this time together that we otherwise would not have, and that makes it worth it.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Two
Late start, but I know I’ll regret not getting on the mat.
Moody morning sky. A peek of pink before the fog covers it over again.
Investigating my sadness.
A list of failures. A list of successes. The failures feel so big in this moment. But feelings aren’t facts.
Save yourself.
I start working on the thing, even though I don’t have any of it figured out. Yet, there is an energy pulsing that I haven’t felt in a long time and so I keep pressing on. I need more of this.
Beauty Hunter. Storyteller. Coach. Amateur Bread Baker. Perpetual Student of Life. Dreamer of Big Dreams.
Leftovers.
This is the first year that I didn’t have to fight for my girls to be placed on the all-conference teams and that feels good.
Presence + Curiousity
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & One
A Thursday that feels like a Friday.
The sound of steady rain touching everything.
“Leave everything on the court, because tomorrow is never promised.”
I am the first one in the office. I don’t turn on any of the lights. I keep her on speakerphone while I turn on my computer, make a cup of decaf in the Nespresso. I tell her that I should come in early more often. Reminds me of my days in my old office at The Reserve.
Disappointed but not surprised.
Boundary work.
Counting down the minutes. Envisioning best-case scenarios.
As we get closer to the gym, there’s a break in the clouds, and I see the sun trying to push through. I take it as a sign that good things are to come.
We really gotta step up our hospitality.
I wait for them to come out of the locker room. Give each one a hug before we walk back out into the rain. What better way to end a season?
“Last year, we instilled hope. Now we expect to win.” - Deion Sanders
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred
Not today.
I watch the first light of the morning begin to turn the sky from black to gradients of deep blue. Usually, the neighbor’s lights are on by now. Whoever is the early bird must be enjoying some extra sleep.
Finally. Six months!
So cold. She stuffs her sweatshirt into her backpack. There’s a kid walking to school with no jacket on. There’s frost on everything.
When someone is in charge of a thing and doesn’t feel as though they don’t know the things they are supposed to know, there is this tension that stretches alongside every word they say.
But the thing is, in this instance, our opinions don’t matter.
I should plan a lunch for us.
There is a different way.
“Winning is fun... Sure. But winning is not the point. Wanting to win is the point. Not giving up is the point. Never letting up is the point. Never being satisfied with what you've done is the point.” - Pat Summit
At least three more.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Nine
Deep stretch.
Pouring cold decaf down the drain.
The four of us at the table for a real conversation. Will it finally click? I keep telling them that they’re running out of t
Coffee with a friend on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
She asks me if I’m doing anything for Superbowl. No. Absolutely not. I have so much film to watch and a whole week to prepare for and what I really want is another day.
Buying ice cream that I will never eat.
Feet by the fire.
“Let go or be dragged.”
Too little time for dreaming.
Patterns.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Eight
A soft knock on the door. It’s still dark. That’s why she was trying to call me yesterday.
Laying in bed, eyes closed, but awake and thinking of the one thing that must be accomplished today.
Sunny drives down Highway 29. The vines are brown blurs with flashes of bright yellow every now and again. Blue sky, green hillsides, light reflecting off the tiny ponds leftover from the atmospheric rivers.
In and out.
Given the state of the world, they aren’t wrong.
I tell him that I just want them to feel the reward of all the hard work they’ve done this season.
I just feel like risotto.
This feeling again.
I look at the clock and see that it’s already 8:10 pm and know that there’s no chance I’ll be up for much longer than this.
We really need a 4-day work-week.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Seven
Finally Friday.
The tips of the trees turn gold from the morning sun.
First, I must clear all of the laundry from the sofa so that I can finally see it again.
I keep checking my calendar for tomorrow. There’s nothing, right? No, nothing. Wait. Am I absolutely certain that it’s nothing?
This one little thing has me feeling anxious. I tell myself to calm down; there is time. I have plenty of time.
Before I say a word, he looks at me and says, “Hot spiced chai with a shot of espresso?” “Yes. But make that two.” “You have a game today?” It must be the jacket that gave it away.
She asks me what I’m doing a ChatGPT. Getting dad jokes, of course.
So, so close. In another gym, with a different set of refs, this would have been an official win. But it’s still a win in my book. Last year, we were crying in the locker room. This year, we’re laughing.
He tells me that it was some of the best basketball he’s seen in the gym in the 30-something years he’s been an athletic director and watching these games and that he hopes I stick around for a few more years. That is the plan. That is the plan.
Three more. I want at least three more.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Six
Hard time getting out of bed.
I realize that it’s the sound of rain.
She gets it.
I can tell by the words that I’m hearing that someone is leaving. Another one bites the dust.
A bowl of risotto with mushrooms. I keep waiting for a second course until I realize that there is no second course. It’s too bad that I like to eat.
“Be decisive. A wrong decision is generally less disastrous than indecision.” ― Bernhard Langer
So. much. rain.
They say they had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I think this is a good thing.
Problem-solving.
Four more.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Five
Sunlight and gratitudes.
The second day in a row I’m doing this solo, but it’s not the worst thing. It’s just different. Like old times?
Be thankful for what it is instead of what it isn’t.
I said, I wanna touch the earth /
I wanna break it in my hands /
I wanna grow something wild and unruly …
Camarones al mojo de ajo. I know I need something filling because I won’t be able to eat after the game.
I miss seeing him more regularly. I miss his insight and wisdom on those rougher post-game days.
Dirty chai.
I’ve never had a ref yell at me before. But I also have never yelled at a ref before. But also, they deserved it.
No pressure, she says.
But the most important thing is that they found their edge.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Four
How in the world could I possibly be up before the alarm?
All black.
The sound of the water hitting the roof of the car and the windshield. The rush of the muddy river water. Thin streams of water ripple across the pavement.
But, the thing is that at the end of the day, we always say that we miss the people. So, maybe it would be nice to be with those people?
I tell them I have PTSD from the last time I had a Caesar salad. I can only manage 10 or so bites.
The meaning behind the comment is what is irritating.
I think about how he said it wouldn’t matter what they did, it would flood anyway. And it’s flooding.
More rain. Heavy, heavy rain. Rising waters. Sliding rock.
This is what I want to see every single day.
Clamps.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Three
One last desert sunrise.
I move through the space, feeling unencumbered., feeling lighter.
A whole pot of decaf to myself, ready for the slowness of the morning.
A morning glory muffin. Every bite hints at a memory that won’t fully come into focus.
Sanctuary. Protection or a safe place…
I tell him that mental health days are a real thing.
Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin West. Destruction of the box. Nature of the site. Nature of the materials. Designing for democracy. Repetition and rhythm. Reflection pool. Bouganvelia. I imagine being one of the apprentices building the walls, installing the canvas screens, stacking wood for the fires.
The lady in the printed dress.
“He’s my day one,” he says. “She’s my day one, too.”
All I can do is close my eyes.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Two
Waking up softly.
Morning sky in the desert: soft and magical and slow.
Bacon and eggs and a big, hot cup of decaf.
These highways are so wide and flat, and this early in the morning, empty.
I find a spot on the field in the sun, lay down, and look at the bright blue sky. Deep breaths.
One and done. An anticlimactic way to end the experience.
She says I can also rest since I don’t really get to do that these days. She’s right. I slide under the covers and close my eyes.
I love it, but I couldn’t survive the summers.
Solo hot tub sit. Cool night air. All the stars and the quiet.
Stuck on the how.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-One
I startle myself awake and realize that I’ve overslept, but only by five minutes. Thank goodness I gave myself a buffer.
She keeps telling them they have to move further towards the back, and they keep ignoring her. Too few people on the plane means we need to distribute the weight.
Decaf coffee and tiny bites of cinnamon graham crackers.
As we leave the rental car lot, I look up at the pinkish morning sky and think, “Yeah, I needed this time away, too.”
It’s hard not to think of them as the five-year-old children you first met, even though you have to get on your toes to give them hugs.
This 70 degrees feels way hotter than 70 degrees.
The silhouette of the mountains against the orange sunset.
Awkward outsider feeling. Stella in a glass and bad bar food and lots of noise.
I just need to sleep.
“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.”
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety
Another gray start to the day.
“Look! There are people in there!”
I look down and see the screenshot. Is it crazy that I am seriously considering it?
He says that he could tell by the tone of my voice that I’m irritated. It’s just that I want them to figure out how to have a bone in their body.
The hours are slipping away. All I can do is surrender to the passage of time. Today. Always.
A new driver. She’s a happy, kind one, too.
What could we have done differently to have a more desirable outcome?
Laughter in the locker room after a weird, long week. That’s all I really want.
Turns out I’m missing a really great game.
A cheeseburger at midnight before heading to the hotel because even though I’m too tired to eat an entire meal, I know I need something. I can feel my stomach growling. Can I get at least two hours of sleep before that 3:30 a.m. shuttle?
No contact solution. No contacts.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Nine
A deep stretch.
Need new shoes.
I am a little bit shocked. But also not. Still, it’s disappointing, even though, in the end, it will be what’s best. I think back to the concern they expressed about stability—a concern I didn’t directly address but one that has stuck with me.
What a weird week indeed.
Maybe it’s better that it doesn’t work out.
Can I find the right words?
Where is the sun?
I forgot to eat lunch so I pop wint-o-green lifesavers instead. My mouth tastes like an old woman’s purse.
“I believe in you.”
It’s been a long time since all of us were at the dinner table. I start laughing before I get to the punch line of the joke. “I’m reading a book on antigravity. I can’t put it down.” “I’m not having kids.” “Your aunt can do whatever she wants. I’ll just be the rich aunt to their kids.” “I really hope the girls don’t crash out on the court tomorrow at Kelseyville.” “Zesty.” In the mock adult project he’s working on, he’s a professionally athlete making the median $193,000 and living in Dallas with no roommates, though he and his friend bought matching Teslas.
The little things that are the big things.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Eight
Foggy, cloudy, whatever it is, it’s keeping in the cold.
Grateful that it’s Wednesday, and there is a little bit of time to sit before the work must begin.
I like her enough that I would want to protect her. But no place is immune.
I miss feeling creative. I miss dream time. I miss real conversations. I miss art. I miss breathing room. I miss a consistently clean home. I miss freedom.
The thing about coming to this place is that there is a high probability of running into someone you know that you don’t necessarily want to see.
It might be better to take this one off. Maybe we all need the space.
Remember that it’s not about you. It’s good to seek different perspectives.
Where are the resources for things like this?
None of this really matters.
There is growth.
Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Seven
If can just get back into the swing of things with something short, but not too challenging to test my strength, then that will be good.
What a difference it makes.
I tell myself that it’s only three hours. I can handle three hours.
“Personal power is our belief in our own ability to create impact.” - Chris Lipp
A sense of control.
A sense of agency.
A focus on action.
She’s not dead.
No buy-in.
I opt for something hot instead. Heat kills germs.
Of all the drives, it’s the straightest of them all, and I’m grateful for that.
There comes a point where you know you’ve said all you can say, and you just watch as it unfolds. And even though logically you know that this game is okay to lose, and you understand the conditions under which you are playing, you still just hate to lose.
We need to find our edge.
Every year, I care more and more about this than I do about a lot of other things and that is telling, but also a problem.