Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-One

1. Thursday? Thursday. Last day of the month. How is it already the end of April?

2. The list for today is short but sweet.

3. He said it was a sad sight.

4. There were still too many people in there even though they were wearing masks. Still too close. Still walking right by you, sometimes brushing against you to squeeze down an aisle. This will not work.

5. I ask myself if my actions are actually laying the foundation for what I really want to see in the future. Have I been fooling myself into thinking that I’m doing it differently?

6. The sentiments in his essay echo thoughts I had just written in my journal. This is good. This means that there are some of us are operating on the same wavelength within the collective consciousness.

7. Stay off the screen.

8. But this sun.

9. I realize that I have to de-condition myself from expecting even my books within 48 hours. Still learning how to wait.

10. I watch the Gangsta Gardener while sitting in the garden. I hear the thud of lemons. They are big and round, the size of softballs.

11. 80s hits for dinner-time music.

Ten.Seven Hundred and Ninety-Nine

1. Just a little longer.

2. Grateful for a non red-eye flight which means I can take my time getting ready. I wash and dry the dishes and brew the coffee without rushing. I stick a load of clothes in the laundry. I have time to make everyone do everything they need to do for themselves.

3. I am missing them and I have t even left yet.

4. I take a few deep breaths. He thinks it odd that I still feel this way each time I travel even though I’ve flown so many times.

5. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes; involuntary reaction due to anxiety.

6. I kill time by downloading movies, writing emails, and drinking a milkshake.

7. No one in the middle.

8. No. I definitely have never seen all of this movie.

9. I had forgotten just how dark the highways are here. I can’t tell if I have my high beams on or if the Jeep’s lights are just so bright because the air around us is so overwhelmingly black.

10. So good to be here.

Ten.Seven Hundred and Ninety-Nine

1. Just a little longer.

2. Grateful for a non red-eye flight which means I can take my time getting ready. I wash and dry the dishes and brew the coffee without rushing. I stick a load of clothes in the laundry. I have time to make everyone do everything they need to do for themselves.

3. I am missing them and I have t even left yet.

4. I take a few deep breaths. He thinks it odd that I still feel this way each time I travel even though I’ve flown so many times.

5. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes; involuntary reaction due to anxiety.

6. I kill time by downloading movies, writing emails, and drinking a milkshake.

7. No one in the middle.

8. No. I definitely have never seen all of this movie.

9. I had forgotten just how dark the highways are here. I can’t tell if I have my high beams on or if the Jeep’s lights are just so bright because the air around us is so overwhelmingly black.

10. So good to be here.

Ten.Seven Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Forgot the alarm again.

2. Blueberry cornmeal muffins. No coffee for me but I make a pot for him then gather what I need for the chai.

3. The smell of orange, cinnamon, cardamom, clove, and ginger.

4. The girl makes one for herself with frothy whole milk and the oldest boy puts his over ice. I don’t know if I’ve made enough.

5. I think of how maybe it won’t be a loss but a gain. That I’d gain whatever it is that a normal life feels like. How there would no longer be a need for any kind of performance. How I could just cook and just read and just make what I wanted, when I wanted, without attaching anything to it.

6. I always scan the cookbook shelf.

7. There are so many cows to name.

8. I go back to the grocery store for more olive oil because I feel compelled to have an aioli for these potatoes. I’m making quite an elaborate meal for a regular Wednesday. But any day can be a special day, right?

9. He puts the slice of peach on his fork and then adds on the arugula/basil/goat cheese for one big bite. He gives me the thumbs up. “Only because of the peach!”

10. Random things that catch you off guard like your tween son watching “Fixer Upper” of his own free will.

Ten.Two Hundred & Sixty

1. A thin sheet of ice over everything. Unexpected shimmer.

2. I pull enough flour together to make scones. Sift the dry ingredients. Mix in the cold, shredded butter. Pour in the heavy cream. Mix. With flour hands I shape it into a circle about 1/2-inch thick. I always tell myself thatthis takes too long. But now I know the recipe almost by heart and it takes no time at all. 

3. Hot coffee. Sipped slowly. Daydreams of color stories: pinks and blues and golds and grays. 

4. Where do I add life?

5. The dad-coach is extra friendly today. Over the top with smiles and laughs. Maybe he thinks they will beat us. Maybe he remembers just how poorly he behaved last time and is embarrassed.

6. We win. "Is it bad that I feel vindicated by beating him again?" "No. I'm happy too. I'm also petty like that."

7. Home for a few hours to eat BLTs and drink sparkling water in the sun. A short time cuddling in the bed with the boys and watching basketball. I think of how I don't know what to do next. About how strange it is to feel so certain that you've settled on a decision only to feel like it wasn't the right one. 

8. But sometimes the good thing about decisions made in secret is that no one knows if you've changed your mind. This gives you freedom to correct your own course as needed without unwanted opinion. 

9. They win their last game. It might have been the best game they've ever played. He ends the game with a 3-pointer. More than anything, I love watching him practice and play because you can tell he's passionate about it. 

10. Suddenly it is night and I am sleepy and I decide to not finish the last 30 minutes of the movie in favor of a long shower and getting the fresh sheets on the bed.