Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Eight
What do I need?
I read last night’s report just to make sure I don’t need to be on my toes this morning.
In early for the peace and quiet. And because there’s another baseball game that I’m going to have to leave early for.
Cacao delivery.
I listen to her speak and then do the math in my head. Six days plus thirty-one days plus twenty-eight days. That’s the deadline.
“No,” I say with a smile.
Rides with him in his golf cart are my favorite.
Post-game Vietnamese chicken salad and a glass of rosé and seats away from the children.
This car isn’t in the same place I parked it. I never lock the doors. This is not right. He was in the car. I know it.
Problems happen when you don’t care.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Seven
I take their advice and place my hand on my heart and ask myself what I need for today.
Vitamins.
Something tells me to call her. I want to tell her about all the things yesterday but I really can’t put it all into words.
I just need to get to this appointment.
“Regal.” “Royalty.” “They’re not blocks…but you’re doing a lot of work there.” “Third eye.” “A woman was trying to speak to me. She was beneath the water and I could see her mouth moving but I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying. She couldn’t come all the way through.” “Hungry.”
I back into the car. I even looked at it before I started moving. There is very little damage. So little, you almost can’t see it. Or, at least, I can’t see it. They seem to be more nervous than I am.
Perfect weather for a baseball game.
Not enough time to get it all done.
Gaslighter.
“That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Six
I send her a text at 3 a.m: “Please try to whisper or go to bed.”
No alarm, but up with the sun. At least it’s after 6.
I grab three sausage links. I could eat more, but I will leave some for the kids.
Slow and steady.
This might not have been planned “correctly,” but I’m going no matter what.
Affirmations.
“We are here for miracles.”
The sacredness of the space.
Visions of eagle eyes; the color red; myself in an empty room screaming. The tears come, and there is no stopping them now.
Someone places a heart-shaped stone in my hand.
I take another pill.
Look at this life that I’ve manifested. It is so hard right now, but it is still so beautiful.
To be seen.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Five
Light.
V8. Bacon. The other babka. Coffee.
There is still time, but so much time has passed.
She offers me the glass of rosé once more. She tells me that I don’t have to rush. I make my way toward the swing. It is the most perfect moment of delight. Unplanned Joy.
I catch them on their way back down the hill. These two. I miss them.
“What is going on…” “He doesn’t have a plan.”
Sweating.
We laugh - the three of us - while she finished ringing up his groceries and begins to slide my items closer to her. “Birthdate, hun?” “…the late 1900’s,” I say. We laugh again. “The secret to staying young is to keep moving. All of my friends who retired early are either bored, or dead. But I know I’m getting old because my daughter said she wanted a BBL, and I thought she meant a BBQ Lunch.” We laugh again.
They say they are having a “Barbie” movie marathon. Ok.
Tomorrow.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Four
Let’s walk to work.
But if I’m going to walk to work, I better start wearing different shoes.
My hand reaches right over the decaf pods
A little scattered.
She says I won the office lottery. I did, indeed.
Learning, learning, learning.
“It’s warm,” I say. “April is my favorite month here,” I say. “She just said exactly the same thing.” “That’s why we’re friends.”
We each get a berry freeze because we each know that we really shouldn’t have any dairy.
It’s hot in the sun, but it will cool down quickly once the sun starts to set. Thank goodness for the implementation of a five-run rule per inning.
I knew I’d end up back here.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Three
I can make it work.
Someone is working down at the shop behind reception. I hear the quiet whir of a golf cart not too far away. The way light illuminates the hillsides brings me joy.
I’m just asking for honest conversations.
A little lighter.
Trust yourself.
We tell her that we got lucky with a good day.
Decaf cappuccino with oat milk to keep warm while we sit in the shade.
So many ideas.
Simon Family wine dinner at The Charter Oak. 2021 Tigress. 2020 Golden Ore. 2019 Double Blessings. 2019 Simon Napa Valley. 2019 Simon Reserve. Babkas baked by Maayan’s wife as a gift.
Before I leave, he tells me to never stop doing it - to not let anything stop me from being present for my children. Keep going to everything.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Two
Oh yeah. I need to be there by 6:45 today.
We go up and down and up and down and cannot find the room. I call. “I know that 28 should be between 27 and 29, but we can’t seem to find it,” I say between large gasps for air.
I tell him it’s just the injury. I’m out of shape because of the injury. I am also sweating.
Sometimes you need a day when a stranger showers you with affirmations.
Good thing I brought the camera.
This weather.
The reason she keeps mentioning it is because I mentioned it, and now it must be addressed. But it doesn’t even matter anymore. Not really. Does it?
I count the hours. "It’s been 8 hours and I haven’t eaten lunch so yeah, I’m done for the day.”
Head-first dive into home. I’m glad I came. I am always glad I come. Why would I miss this? Four years will go by so quickly.
Spring sunsets. I hope this feeling of awe and gratitude never goes away.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-One
The sun. Of course.
But still a blessing in disguise. Today will still be easier and simpler, and I’ll be able to make it to my son’s baseball game.
Chill.
Never again.
Mission accomplished.
The problem is that once you’ve made it on the list, you can’t really get yourself off of the list.
But let’s just get to the point.
I take the recognition as a sign from the universe that what is percolating underneath is indeed where I should focus my attention.
Cold, cold, cold.
I’d rather be here.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty
The fog is low and thick. This doesn’t look good for tomorrow.
But it wouldn’t be the worst thing.
They call me before I call them. It’s the right choice, even if inconvenient.
I eat the whole plate - quickly. Stress eating? Maybe. Just hungry? Most likely. 2020 Sandlands Red Table Wine.
I could just lay here under my desk, and no one would know if I am taking nap.
The goal today is to breathe, take it slow, not let the anxiety of others push me into unaligned behaviors.
Daydreams.
Another cup of decaf.
I increase my speed, look straight out at the horizon. The sun is breaking through clouds, casting a golden hue on the green hillsides. Through the haze, I can still see a blue sky. My eye follows the ragged shape of the range stretched out before. A silent prayer of gratitude for the beauty that surrounds me.
At least, in the end, I will come away from this with a few good friendships.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy - Nine
I don’t want to wake up.
Early game. Sneaking across the foyer in my slippers, trying to keep quiet.
Ultralight beam.
I miss her first at-bat trying to make a meal plan and grocery list.
It is windy, but the sun is out, and the warmth of the sun feels good. Blue skies.
I text her back to say that I am slow to respond because I am overwhelmed by their generosity.
This burger better be worth the wait.
Celery juice.
Two cars in the driveway. One of them is the Porsche I remember from a month ago. I tell them not to go over there because they will get pushed into the oven. “They just gave me weird vibes, that’s all.”
The power comes from the legs.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-Eight
Overcast morning.
Leftover rice and beans for breakfast.
I move slowly from one room to another. Sage the corners of each room once I’m done. Everything looks shiny again. It will be short-lived.
Never again. This is the last year this will be like this for me.
Better than I thought it would be.
Stay in your own lane.
Do I feel sweat on my forehead?
Just because I can’t see the how doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
He keeps saying things that I keep asking him to define. Kids these days and their words.
Rules:
“I coach what I believe.”
“To be a leader, you have to be brave.”
“Own it.”
“Mountain tops are small, and the air is thin.”
“Understand your audience.”
“Never be afraid to get fired.”
“Mistakes are inevitable, but don’t let them define you.”
“Everything depends on you, and when you start to think like that, everything is magic.”
“What is delayed is not denied.”
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-Seven
Plan for joy.
Find another option.
The truth always reveals itself, slowly but surely.
Work-from-home day.
The realization that you have done all you could and there is not much more else to be done.
Carnitas and wine at the park in the sunshine.
Plan for joy.
Can we be more free?
Doing things today that will make the week ahead easier for me to tolerate.
This is a God dream / This is a God dream / This is everything / Everything (Thing, thing, thing) / I'm tryna keep my faith B/ ut ‘I'm looking for more / Somewhere I can feel safe / And end my holy war / I'm tryna keep my faith”
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-Six
Surely he isn’t up yet. I should roll back over. But instead, I get up, walk out into the hallway. He is fully dressed.
Basketball for breakfast.
When there is no zero hour, the morning is so long and leisurely.
Another beautiful day.
She looks at me and asks me if I’ve seen the weather. I’m going to pretend that those warnings of the potentiality of rain do not exist.
This was a good idea.
There is no emergency.
I don’t like the sounds of this, but at least the action was swift.
He says he wishes he was growing up like we did, with no phones and no internet. I agree. “The internet is forever,” I say. “That’s what Coach said.” “You guys don’t realize that you can ruin your life with these things.”
Planning for joy.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-Five
Wednesday.
The orchid is blooming again.
Today, I do the second drop-off, too, because I want to, and I should, and I can.
Every day is Russian Roulette.
We steal away a few moments to ourselves. Ramen for warmth.
I am running late, which means I am flustered. I am talking to her on speaker and trying to find a parking space. I see them, but I also see that the van is gone. I pass them by and then turn around. It is feeling too hard.
He comes back to town to pick me up. I tell her that he just really likes having me there with him.
3-2 count. Contact. High ball going and going and gone over the fence. Thank goodness I got it on film. First high school home run.
The sun is setting and dropping just behind the water tower. It is cold in the shadow.
I said by my birthday. Two months and twenty-six days.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-Four
In the dream, I am the only woman playing basketball against a team of very large men. I am being pushed around, and no one is listening to me. I yell at the coach. The coach yells back at me. I run off the court.
In the dream, I am riding the bike down the sand dune toward to ocean. I am going so fast. I feel the ocean air against my face. I pedal faster and faster and faster along the shore.
Back to zero hour.
Dead battery.
Where is my coffee mug? I take the ceramic cup instead.
“With all due respect…”
This is the one day I could have used that second chicken thigh.
I tell him he will see me a lot more now that the weather is nicer. I like the fresh air, and I need to get my steps in.
He drives me back to my office. I stare off to the hillside while he talks, feeling the gentle breeze and listening to the birds.
Frog song to lull me to sleep.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seven-Three
12:14 a.m. No, no, no.
I close my eyes and try to will myself to sleep, but the tremors start and won’t stop. I try more melatonin.
3:48 a.m.
Today is a home day.
Eggos. Coffee. Water. Vitamins. Last day of no zero hour until the end of the school year.
It’s almost the end of the school year.
The list gets longer and longer.
“You look like you’re on a mission,” she says to me as I walk by. “I know exactly what I want.” And it’s been quite some time since I felt that way.
I remember those delta breezes. I watch at the sunset. On one end of the earth, a strips of cotton candy in pastel pink and blue. On the other end, clouds have draped themselve around the mountain tops. The sky behind it looks wet and heavy, a soft orange glow of sunset.
Tonight, I just want to sleep.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-Two
It’s getting warmer.
I grab the bag of eggs and make my way around the house.
Back to bed with a handful of peeps.
Cold feet and hands. I slip under the weighted blanket.
I try not to feel guilty for resting.
Ham and candied yams and greens. Next year, I’ll do better.
The way the light is falling across the trees and hillsides.
Too full.
He says that his brother paid him $2 to get his eggs and basket for him. At least he realizes that one should be compensated for their labor.
I take a test, just in case. I put myself to bed early. There is still light coming into the room.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy-One
In the dream, I tell them that I just had to say it one more time but that I couldn’t wait for them anymore.
Crustless quiche and chai while the car fills up with gas.
Hot air balloons dot the horizon. The hillsides on the east and west are both green from the months-long rains. It really is a beautiful place.
Oh boy. Only two innings in one hour.
But at least it’s not cold.
He strikes out his first batter. I am less nervous for him now. He’s just so much more confident than his big brother.
“You are the only one who knows whether you have won.” - John Wooden
It’s hot in the sun. No shade yet on the front porch. I find a rock near the road and sit on it while I finish journaling.
Three carnitas tacos and a lime Jarritos at the park.
I read in the car while they wait for the other baseball game to end. My favorite time of year.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Sixty-Nine
Oh, wait. I do have to wake up.
They said there would be coffee.
I make a left and head north on 29. Where is the winery? Did I miss it? I put it into the maps. Ah. I should have stuck to my original plan.
I wave him down, tell him that the only spots left are the ones beside the trees. “I’ll take a look,” he says and drives off. I wait for him to pass me by again. “Someone took my spot,” he says with a smile and then parks his car beside the tree.
Standing in the parking lot, talking about the past, present, and future of the valley. And blockchain and NFTs and Chat GPT.
I don’t know her, but I think I should.
Paul Muller. I can’t type fast enough on my phone to capture the wisdom.
Everyone has their own process.
I like it when he’s talkative.
One more day. Maybe two more days?
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Sixty-Eight
Hot. I try to use the light from the moon to figure out how to open the windows.
I come out and set my computer down at the desk by the window, and then someone’s alarm goes off. A head pops up.
A scramble to get all of the dishes done and the fridge cleaned out before check-out. Many hands make light work.
I tell her it feels like I won’t see her again for years, but it will just be three days. We drive out of the woods and back towards the ocean.
We choose the long way home.
“But you can’t beat these views.”
“Why are there cow crossing signs on this road?” “Where are they coming from?” “Do you know that cows can’t walk downstairs?” “How do you know that?” “Yeah. If you take a cow upstairs, you can’t bring it back down the stairs?” “Why are we taking a cow into a house and up the stairs?”
A man gets out of a blue truck. He is wearing a brown robe with a hood. I say he looks like some character from Star Wars, and then the two boys begin to quiz each other on Star Wars facts.
Clam chowder, Hog Island oysters, and a glass of rosé for lunch overlooking the water.
She asks to go to the beach because she missed going yesterday. We head back north and find a spot. Her pink crocks in the sand. His red sneakers are in his hands. They show me shells. We find barnacles. The oldest climbs up and down the rocks in the distance. Glimmering water. The sound of the waves.
He asks why we chose St. Helena. I tell him the abbreviated version of the story. “What do you think about it now?” “It’s not that bad.” Well. We’re making progress.