Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Slow Sunday.

2. I lean over my legs and grunt. Everything is so tight.

3. Someone moved the furniture. But the table is still out there. And so is the rug. I make a mental note to move those, too.

4. There are very few cars on the trail this morning. The words are still wet, and vibrant yellow leaves are plastered to the ground.

5. Making tally marks.

6. I could go to sleep right now.

7. There are only three more weeks until Christmas. Three more weeks. I am not ready.

8. There are still no lights on the tree.

9. Uninspiring.

10. One more game, and then I’ll go to bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. 7:30 in the morning. A sigh of relief. Finally a morning of sleeping in.

2. Cleaning day.

3. This one-car thing when everyone needs to be in different places at the same time is not fun.

4. We slowly dwindle to a more reasonable number, and that feels easier.

5. What is the energy I want? What is the energy we need? Does it match? No.

6. I love this about driving for these tournaments: the questions I get to ask, the questions I’m asked, the spontaneous, unguided, non-basketball conversations. I listen, I learn, I laugh.

7. “Do less, more perfect.”

8. I remember that my responsibility at this level is to win.

9. “Be sure to smile; this is going in the paper!”

10. I tell him we’re 3 and 3. 3. and. 3.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Game Day. Again.

2. I run all of the logistics through my mind. We have one more than yesterday, but also the other driver have a big enough car that we should be just fine. That car has snacks. I still have the med kit and the basketballs. Will I be able to watch a little bit of the boys’ tournament before we leave?

3. Quiet office with the lights off. I talk to her while she drives to the airport. Something about us just keeping this part of our day consistent.

4. He tells me he has to take the car to the shop. I need to pick him up. All of my plans need to change.

5. Hungry.

6. We wrap empty wooden wine boxes in brown craft paper. I have her tie the bows. “Finally, something I’m better at than you.” We laugh.

7. I keep counting and recounting. I feel like I’m missing something. It’s like when you have envisioned a whole day, and then a very big thing changes, and now nothing feels right. Nothing feels right.

8. Like dominoes.

9. I tell him it feels like the Cloverdale tournament all over again. But we did it. It could have run away from us, and it didn’t.

10. Tomorrow, we will try again, and we’ll still be ahead of where we were last year.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. More sleep.

2. Game day. I stack binders and notebooks onto the bed, check and recheck the clipboard to make sure I have what I need.

3. I hear someone coming into my office. He tells me he was at Sunshine getting a coffee, and the checker said, “Hey, your wife’s on the front page.” He hands me the newspaper and I see my face in a small square box. Why just my face?

4. When you can cancel an unnecessary meeting that no one wants to attend anyway.

5. I better get down there.

6. A Crazy-maker, remember?

7. The one thing that does happen is that your colleagues will rally around you even when you never feel like you have the support from where it should truly come.

8. “I’m an OG 3.” I turn around and look at her. “I knew you had it in you.” They all laugh.

9. She sits down in the chair beside me while I arrange all my things and tells me she never realized how much work I do to prepare for things like this. The children see everything.

10. 36-3.

11. He texts me just the word “win.”

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Cold.

2. I make myself get up even though I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep. Today is not the right day to take off. But I feel better this morning than I did last night.

3. They don’t usually call me so I better answer the phone.

4. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that they are friends of or know of someone important…

5. Warm office. Hot tea. Standing at the desk. No construction noise today.

6. Who’s going to be the adult in this situation today?

7. Limp salad.

8. A quick stop by her office. Much-needed laughter.

9. I tell her that the reason they talk to us so much is because we’ve been so gracious and kind, and that while the challenges seem to be growing each year, look at our evergrowing patience.

10. Even he gets it but the others are not putting two and two together.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-One

1. Game day. I really need some more red.

2. He obliges and lets me take a picture. I forgot black socks. I don’t really shop for menswear.

3. Relishing the quiet of being the first one in.

4. I tell her it’s my one good deed of the day. And if that is the case, then I’m glad this is it.

5. She sends us a picture of a set of three chicks in scarves. Two white and one brown. We laugh. I hope she bought them.

6. Gloves on, open air, laughter.

7. I’m starting to feel the stretch.

8. I am always trying not to jinx myself.

9. Not what I expected.

10. A learning moment for every one.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy

1. Monday and Monday’s uniform.

2. “Seek lofty ideas, and illumination will be close at hand.”

3. This pumpkin-spiced creamer was a mistake.

4. What even is this question?

5. I could claw my own eyeballs out.

6. The only thing about not being in the office on these days is that I actually do miss seeing them.

7. That was disappointing. Maybe I just need more tape?

8. That fluttery feeling is back. Maybe it’s the coffee? Maybe it’s the reduced hours of sleep. Maybe it’s the medicine. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

9. This time with them makes me so happy even when my patience is being tested.

10. Go to sleep.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Nine

1. Yoga day!

2. I stare out over the golf course and watch a white crane float over and around and above the willow tree. So peaceful.

3. Every chapter I listen to makes me rethink everything.

4. “Stamped from the Beginning.”

5. Four out of seven completed.

6. I think of time, the passage of time, and the shifting shape of time, and what I am doing with it. How has it served me? Or have I been serving it?

7. Don’t forget your magic.

8. Craving cassoulet.

9. Learning to not read too much into things.

10. They’ll be here soon.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Eight

1. A Saturday that feels like a Sunday.

2. Don’t forget to bake the brownies.

3. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, then there’s this.

4. Awfully close to the double yellow line.

5. Fortunate.

6. It is warmer than I thought it would be. I had two jackets and gloves but I’m already taking off one layer.

7. Four Thousand Weeks.

8. How am I supposed to take notes?

9. I promise them that this is the last day of leftovers. Note to self: make less sides.

10. Third time’s a charm?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Friday already.

2. Bacon and eggs and coffee with vegan creamer. Ironic.

3. Oh, emails.

4. Basketball, basketball, basketball.

5. When you see things that no one else can see, it takes a certain kind of strength to stay married to your vision.

6. Wait. How did all of these pieces of glass off the back of the phone break off? How come no one ever knows anything.

7. Two hours later and we have a resolution.

8. Have we not done enough?

9. Since the experiment failed, back on the medications.

10. I think I’m ready for the tree now.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. Turkey Day.

2. Slice the apples, sprinkle the cinnamon, Potatoes zipping back and forth on the mandolin. Finishing two sides dishes and realizing that you need a lot more cream.

3. Haven’t cooked like this in so long. Still haven’t seen the children yet.

4. Charcuterie board and feet up. Counting Fantasy points.

5. He calls me back from the car., tells me I would know if I called more. “I think that’s called ‘a read’ or ‘throwing shade,’” I say. “Oh, it’s definitely shade.”

6. Family call holiday check-in. Seeing all of the faces on the screen makes me wish we would do one big Thanksgiving again.

7. Still sitting on the sofa, still thinking about all of the things I love about life right now.

8. One step done. Now the harder part begins.

9. Seconds?

10. College women’s basketball game. #19 versus #21 in the country. No one is there to inbound the ball. “Who’s supposed to inbound the ball?!” I yell at the screen. “See, even the pros do it,” we laugh.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Up, up, great day for up.

2. I get back into he driver seat and head south on 29 to see her. Three hot air balloons dotting the sky. Everything is glittering and bright.

3. How I missed her energy.

4. Jury summons.

5. He’d rather drive than take a shower.

6. I love my basketball families.

7. Two loaves of bread and sweet potatoes and green bean casserole are done.

8. I kick him out of the driver’s seat. Not this drive, not at night.

9. They go and get the decorations, turn on Christmas music, and start placing things around the house. Can’t believe it’s already time.

10. Here on this sofa with them. The deep dark of night sitting against my back behind the big glass window. A little bit of wine in the glass. All of it just feels right and good and the perfect way to begin the holiday.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. I like this sweatshirt.

2. Flower arrangement still going strong.

3. I think I’m ready for the tree.

4. I tell him to turn left because we don’t have enough time. Oh, wait. Ok. We’re going to cross the bridge. Thank goodness there are no cars coming.

5. Sometimes, it’s just a mess.

6. I put the posters up on the wall and wonder if it’s the right idea or not. But I see them looking up curiously. I explain what they are, that I want to get them in the habit of having goals to work toward. I think they like the idea of them. We will see.

7. She looks like she can barely control her excitement.

8. Perhaps I was being presumptuous.

9. Goal setting.

10. That was a surprising reaction.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Monday. Cold morning. Leggings and long sleeves.

2. Still no keys. I can’t believe I lost my keys.

3. Squeaky clean gym.

4. Not pushing hard enough.

5. Did he really think he was about to convince me to let him drive his friend home real quick? Oh. No.

6. She keeps saying things that are the things that were just said, which makes me laugh because of course she is. This is how the universe works: sending you sign after sign as a test to see if you will ignore or abide.

7. Waiting. Always waiting.

8. She asks me if my job is why my Instagram is so aesthetic. I giggle a little. I sometimes forget that’s public.

9. Did I listen? I did.

10. I wish they thought as highly of themselves as I think of them.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Those darn Britney Spears videos.

2. This one might be my fault.

3. “I think everyone had the same idea as us,” he says to me as he grabs a pound of butter. It’s the week of Thanksgiving, how does he need only one pound of butter?

4. I stumble down the back stairs and make my way down to work. The sun is bright and golden and everything is wet but the air is crisp.

5. This is one of the better 3-year-old parties I’ve been to: tacos, wine, and wide open spaces.

6. Op-ed draft.

7. She agrees with me that he is indeed a scary driver.

8. Everyone always wants to play on the mini hoop. Thud, thud, thud. Three boys.

9. I laugh at him. That’s silly. Go to bed.

10. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but oh, boy. I think this might be the year. I look at my Year 1 Goals: Conditioning; Reduce points against; 8 league wins; Increased parent participation; Spanish translation for parent meeting. It’s happening.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Needed that.

2. Waffles and bacon. Giggles at the table while they eat.

3. I finally find a copy of the latest issue. I scan the table of contents to find the spread, even though I know I will never reread what I wrote. I just like to have it in hand.

4. Am I trying too hard?

5. I reread his text and decide I’m going to ignore it. Maybe I’ll get over it. Maybe I won’t.

6. He tells him to head south because he doesn’t want him to cross the bridge. Yellow leaves and wet pavement and gray sky. The weight of everything.

7. But would it be the worst thing?

8. I know what the gaps are. The question is how to get them filled.

9. The exact kind of Saturday I needed.

10. I think of how she asks me what I want my title to be. What the next thing is. My instinct is to say nothing. I don’t want a title of any kind. I just want to be me.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty

1. Game day. Red-and-white-hair-tie-day.

2. He gets into the driver’s seat, checks his mirror, connects his phone to the Bluetooth. I look off in the distance and see the hot air balloons sitting low on the horizon.

3. Not as scary as I thought it would be. I do my work emails and basketball posts while he drives.

4. Success.

5. We talk about possibilities, where we feel expansion, about reframing our relationships with time, about the magic connections we can have with teenagers, about meaningful work.

6. In the note, she says that she thinks I’m an interesting person. It makes me smile. I lean my head against the window and listen to the rain.

7. No energy. They have no energy in their face.

8. 1-1.

9. Chicken tenders and sweet potato fries, a vanilla milkshake with rainbow sprinkles.

10. The audacity of his text message after all of that.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. No pants.

2. I make a full pot but forget that I’m meeting someone for coffee, so I didn’t need any of this.

3. Yogurt with a bunch a dried unsweetened coconut flakes.

4. “Less but more perfect.”

5. He says that it is a beautiful morning. It is a very beautiful morning. He reminds me that the rain is coming.

6. Irritated by the rub.

7. I talk out all the things and she said I did a great job and sometimes I think you just need to hear that from someone who doesn’t know you.

8. You always hope that you’re doing the right thing.

9. I get out of the car and walk myself to the passenger side. “He’s driving now!” I yell to him. “Take care of your mother!” he says.

10. “I prefer her.”

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Game day.

2. Black dress seems right for today.

3. A missed connection.

4. Something about the way these sentences fall out of their mouth affirms that this isn’t right for me.

5. But this pumpkin creme brulee.

6. The click-clack of my boots against the cold pavement. Brown and yellow leaves and moisture in the air. No sun. Fall.

7. She asks me how I’m feeling. I tell her I’m always nervous on game days. That I felt like I wanted to throw up after I crossed the Pope Street bridge. How many years do I have to do this before I stop feeling nervous?

8. I misinterpreted all of the noise. Too close. Too close.

9. Yeah. I have a good feeling about this year. 1-0.

10. Forgot about these sleepless nights.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. A little bit of rain.

2. The coffee is calling to me. Half hot oat milk and half coffee. That will be okay, won’t it?

3. Red and white sweater. Lucky sweater? First game for the younger girls. Can. not. wait.

4. She’s real, and that’s what I like about her. An hour well spent before heading into the office.

5. At least she makes me laugh.

6. I never expected to see that email.

7. Need to make our layups.

8. I change out of my sweaty basketball clothes and back into my work clothes before walking into the gym to sit beside her on the bench. I scan the bleachers and count pairs of parents, people who look like they might be related. I think I see more than I’ve ever seen.

9. 9-0 at the half. A win. Their first win. A great way to start the season.

10. He meet him the hallway. He’s still dressed in his whites. I look up at him and say, “You had a pretty great day today. Drove a car for the first time and played in your first Varsity game. Not a bad day at all.” A little chuckle and a smile. Kinda all I hope for these days - a smile.