Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Is that rain I’m hearing? Yes, it is. I don’t think that was on the forecast.

2. A flash of light. A hum.

3. Where are all of my emergency flashlights?

4. “You’ll never outperform the version of yourself you have in your mind.”

5. A long but easy drive.

6. Growth over everything.

7. Over and over and over again.

8. A cool sea breeze and lots of sun.

9. Still can’t get over that D- report card for that fantasy draft.

10. A lot of gold wine glasses and tumblers.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. Friday.

2. There will always be more.

3. On the wall are boxes with pamphlets that say “Your baby at 12 weeks” and for 2 minutes I think it might be nice to have another baby.

4. She tries to warn me about the bags. I tell her I know about these paper bags. These handles have been consistently unreliable for at least ten years.

5. Oysters. Tomato soup. Macaroni and cheese.

6. One day, I’ll pay someone to really clean these baseboards and the molding on the doors. I wonder how many people look at the corners of the molding on the doors and try to clean them with Q-tips and cloth-covered fingernail files like I do.

7. Another variation of the same thing.

8. We did not build any anticipation.

9. Football season goal: to not eat a single thing from a snack shack.

10. What is that smell?!

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Craving hammock time.

2. I just need to get these done.

3. Salty snacks for anxiety?

4. At least when he’s here, you know you’re going to laugh.

5. She affirms what I’m feeling. I want to lay out on the floor.

6. More cars than usual parked on the side of the road. Dropped clusters sprawled across upturned earth. I make note of the variation of canopies.

7. The weekly by-the-glass special is a rosé of Grenache. I get two glasses and take them to the back patio. Quiet and breezy and golden-sun. I should come here more often. This is going to be the new spot, I think.

8. She does the last handful of serves before the win.

9. “So it is like a Pink Ladies jacket…”

10. My one hotdog of the year: No bun. A swirl of ketchup and yellow mustard. One homemade rice krispie treat. A spoonful of cut watermelon. And so it begins.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Second day. Jeans day. Cool morning.

2. At least two

3. Time away always comes at a cost. But nothing is truly an emergency.

4. I’m just confused.

5. The three of us just standing there, arms crossed, heads cocked to the side. We’re clearly all thinking the same thing.

6. A jokester.

7. “What do you do for self-care?”

8. Her very first high school volleyball game. Hot and sweaty gym. He shows me pictures of his new grandbaby. I think I like this sport much more than I thought I would.

9. A 5-D approach?

10. Need a better plan.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. Bright sun. Cool air. First day of school. And so it begins.

2. Clarity and refinement.

3. “…we are also always changing within. Our moods, our energy level, the stories we tell ourselves, our prior experiences, how hungry or tired we are: All these variants create a new way of being in each moment.” - The Creative Act: A Way of Being

4. I know this feeling.

5. One old school, one new school.

6. “That was the last time my sister drank.”

7. Great women doing great things.

8. I learned some new things today.

9. I forgot to flip the pork chops because we were too busy talking. “We haven’t talked in five days,” I say.

10. If these Kung Fu Panda characters were real people in our lives, who would they be?

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Day twoooooo.

2. I drink the whole glass of water while taking in the sounds of the woods. Watch the acorn woodpeckers fly from branch to branch. Look for the source of the voices.

3. I feel my anger rising and take a few deep breaths. Control what you can control.

4. Remember what really matters.

5. If we just get more of us who care, that can make all the difference.

6. It’s one thing to watch it through your phone in tiny clips, but it’s another to watch it in real-time. To see their faces when it clicks.

7. Is he seriously trying to dunk?

8. Put force into the floor. Put force into everything.

9. So much good.

10. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Too hot.

2. Today’s the day.

3. I break the caffeine fast and it tastes so good on a cool Saturday morning.

4. So many things in containers. I forgot about how stressful this camera setup can be. But being on the field feels good.

5. These 5 words: “I love watching you play.”

6. So many compliments about the school and the gym. So many excited that this is happening. “How did you get her here?”

7. All of it is so worth it.

8. He says that the coach told her to stop shooting. I try to hold back my real feelings about that comment. I’m just glad she’s here.

9. This is precisely what I wanted to hear.

10. Yes, more of this, please.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty

1. Pot of tea.

2. They look like they’re still wearing pajamas.

3. A ginger with a beard. He reminds me of a character from a TV show, but I can’t remember which one.

4. Why does everything look like pajamas?

5. This escalator hasn’t worked in two years.

6. So glad someone is saying the same thing I’m saying.

7. Sometimes these things happen.

8. Trying to trust.

9. Hammock. Golden sunset. The sound of an airplane flying overhead.

10. Tomorrow and then Sunday, and then it’s the first day of school.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Only a few more slow mornings like these.

2. I think. Perhaps. That wasn’t the right response. I think. But thinking too much sometimes gets you into trouble.

3. The two of us wax poetically about the Olive Oil Company. He says that before he could take their picture, they made him eat lunch with them.

4. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this.

5. I tell him that it’s hard to be the one constant dissenting voice. It’s both a blessing and a course to spot the problem

6. One can laugh about it, but it also, at some point, it becomes less funny.

7. Originality over imitation.

8. Always at the last minute.

9. More cheddar than caramel.

10. “Crunch.”

Ten. Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. The color of the morning light this time of year and the way it casts a warm glow on everything.

2. Water. Hot tea. A page from Skylar’s book and a cup of bone broth.

3. I can’t find my rhythm.

4. The more I travel away from myself, the more anxious I am to return.

5. Freshman orientation. You always learn something new. Am I about to be a veteran high school parent now? Am I the one who now knows things?

6. 90’s baggy jeans.

7. The answer is always the same.

8. I tell him that I’m just in a place where I realize that the time I have left with the kids is running out. Five years will go by quickly. I can sit in an office all day when they’re gone.

9. Second dinner. It’s definitely football season.

10. “If we are to learn anything, it would be to free ourselves from any beliefs or baggage or dogma that gets in the way of us acting according to our true nature.” - The Creative Act: A Way of Being

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. It’s only Tuesday.

2. 2nd day of tryouts. Still no work computer. I promised myself that yesterday was going to be the last day of coffee.

3. She’s got COVID. An extra few minutes to sip that coffee I’m not supposed to be drinking.

4. Sometimes, I just can’t tell.

5. Changes that challenge.

6. “We are seeking not to define ourselves, but to expand ourselves, to tune in to our limitlessness nature and connections to all that is.” - The Creative Act: A Way of Being

7. No, that’s not a travel.

8. I ask if it’s weird that I’m so excited for her to start high school. It will be hard and challenging but also exciting.

9. Johnny Weir.

10. The time will pass anyway.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. One more week.

2. Bad length.

3. Third outfit change. Can’t get comfortable.

4. He says it. I hadn’t realized it. But it makes sense. “I’m getting older, I say.” She uses the word “perimenopause.”

5. Aaaaaaand there it is.

6. I somehow forgot that I had no computer. Sometime in the afternoon, they say. Oh, I need to go back home.

7. You have to put on pants for the eye doctor.

8. “Her mom said we look like twins with our hair pulled back.” “He said, ‘You look like your mom,’ when we were at Sunshine.” “I don’t see it.” “I don’t either.”

9. Everyone is so grown.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Last day of camp.

2. Last-minute stop for donuts before the long ride over.

3. I set down my bags and lay a blanket on the grass, bees buzzing on clover, a gentle breeze blowing through the vines creeping along the building walls, pretending I am somewhere else. Pretending I am someone else.

4. “Art is about the maker. It’s aim: to be an expression of who we are.” - The Creative Act: A Way of Being

5. Or, I could just not have them.

6. Today is a much better day. The nerves have worn off, I think.

7. Someone says it smells like pasta. “I think that’s sweat.”

8. Sunday Scaries.

9. My head feels so much lighter.

10. One week.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Camp day.

2. I get spooked for just a minute when I see “Oakville Grade” pop up on the screen.

3. I’m glad I took the scenic route.

4. “This place is not for me.”

5. I find a little wooden bench in the courtyard and journal before balling up my sweater and laying on my back. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face.

6. I wish I could do it over again.

7. Nothing that needs to get done is getting done. I could go home. I could run errands. But sometimes, the right choice is the choice that makes it hard for you to do anything else but sit.

8. There is a distinct smell to Panda Express.

9. That’s not true. You just work harder and try again. You can always try again. You never know what may happen.

10. Let’s do it again tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. TGIF.

2. Just can’t stop drinking this coffee.

3. Oh, it’s done. There’s no turning back from it now. In the fire.

4. Broken computer is a gift in disguise.

5. Well, I guess it’s a good thing we practiced this conversation this morning.

6. Tacos and sunshine.

7. It’s these little tastes that keep you hungry for more. A little is never enough.

8. Three weeks?

9. Putting a key, money, and trust in his hand. They’re both wearing the same Bulls jersey.

10. Ten minutes early, which means they are on time.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Breathing into the depths.

2. It's a jeans and a blazer kind of day.

3. But these Dot’s pretzels, though.

4. Fantasy Football group chats. And, so it begins.

5. He orders a milkshake, and I don’t say anything because it’s summer, and it’s just him, and why not? The gentleman behind the bar fills my glass a little above the line. I think of it as a loyalty perk.

6. I think about how I describe it as a Freudian slip. How I said, “You guys,” and how he said, “You mean, ‘we.’”

7. Why am I here?

8. I tell her that I believe in signs and this was one.

9. No. It’s just me. I’m the problem. I’m feeling my own existential angst.

10. The algorithm didn’t like that one.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Deep breaths before kicking off the covers.

2. Taking in the morning. Hot coffee. Feet on wood. The quiet.

3. I should have just stayed home.

4. Sometimes, I say too little, and sometimes, I think I say too much. But this is all good.

5. Nine.

6. Writing and writing and rewriting. I think this makes sense.

7. The emperors have no clothes.

8. I do miss these people.

9. I tell her that we talked for two hours today because we hadn’t talked in five days.

10. Something about the waning light and the lush green of the ivy and the brick and the string lights.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty

1. He tells me to wait.

2. I tell her that this is a trend, and I leave it as is.

3. Yeah, I'm just stressed. He’s right. I'm anxious. I don’t want to do this.

4. “That was guilt, by the way.” “Oh, I know.”

5. That smile on his face.

6. “I wish they had been meaner. Everyone.”

7. It’s only Tuesday. It’s only Tuesday? It’s only Tuesday.

8. I always think practice ends at 6, and it’s 6:30. I buy myself a rice krispies treat to eat in the car while I wait.

9. They all agree that a 3-strikes rule will be appropriate.

10. I apologize for the late dinner. They’re not upset. “As long as it’s before 8,” he says.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. This week.

2. Honoring my hunger and its different manifestations.

3. She’s right. I should just tell the truth and tell it now.

4. Another car full of girls. Today is a much shorter day.

5. She thinks it easier because she understands the asks. It’s easier because she’s experienced the hard.

6. Only two more weeks until another set of classes begins. I’m on my way. I’m on my way.

7. Dehydrated.

8. Grapes and cherries and answers to questions you didn’t want to ask.

9. This feels a little rigged. Is it supposed to be this easy? I am glad it was this easy.

10. I forgot to practice.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. Slow to rise.

2. The same black dress from Gap Body. I need 5 more of these.

3. Coffee and hammock and book. Finally. The morning fog blocks the sunlight.

4. I try to explain to him that it’s good to take a break. Every day is too much.

5. “A gentle entry.”

6. What is my wish? What is my challenge?

7. There is always good with the bad and bad with the good.

8. I finally remember to send her the images. I take a quick glance at the gallery. That was a special weekend. This is a special capture. I miss being in those kinds of spaces. I miss making art.

9. Four years now. Four years and one day.

10. Just a few more moments in the hammock before night settles in.