Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Slow Sunday.

2. Enjoying the coolness of the morning before the head returns.

3. Hammock time. The whirring sound of golf carts going back and forth. A gentle breeze in the shade.

4. Of course, everyone needs to be picked up right when I am ready to take a nap.

5. Look for joy.

6. Leftover steak and a Parker House roll.

7. The difference is confidence.

8. Secret stashes of caramel popcorn.

9. What changes starting today?

10. Lots of things are possible.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Five days in a row.

2. Gold, gold morning light. That’s how you know it’s going to be hot.

3. One coffee and five bags of sour gummy bears to take back to the middle school.

4. Simple but tedious.

5. “It’s hard being Black and smart and a woman.”

6. “It’s good, but it’s not champagne.”

7. Daydreams of running away. “I need a break from home,” I say, Just a tiny one. Even just a day.

8. This is having teenagers: no one is ever home.

9. The thing is that we are not the type not to say anything. And maybe that’s how the rest of them get through it: smile and nod and hold back. Not being afraid of power puts you in hard situations, even when you know you’re right.

10. Tomorrow: solo walk on the trails, hot tea on the sofa, writing, flag football, groceries, hammock.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Consistency.

2. I declare today a good day because it’s Thursday and that means tomorrow is Friday.

3. Those are stress responses.

4. They’ve harvested the grapes from these vines. For some reason, I thought these were just vanity rows, decoration. I spot a small cluster tucked behind a leaf.

5. It is funny how that happens. Why do they think I’m the one with the answers? It happens everywhere I go.

6. I see him at every game, but I have no idea who he is. He leans over and opens a newspaper to show me something. He points at my son’s name. “Isn’t this your son?” “It is.” He asks me if I want the newspaper. I do.

7. They say they would read an article about me and my relationship with coffee.

8. Focus on what is.

9. Nervous? Yes. But afraid? No.

10. “I am a woman of violent contradiction.” - The Albanian Virgin by Alice Munro

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. The perfect fall morning. A little foggy, a little breezy. I need a sweater.

2. “I know. A large coffee.” “You got it.” I tell her that I should buy some beans for home, but I haven’t. And the Naysayer decaf is good; it almost tastes like real coffee. She says another employee says it’s the best decaf he’s ever had, too. Worth the $4.60.

3. A cup of coffee in a place that is not home is also about being present where you are. I think about how this used to be a place we visited—a dream supported by a plan, but a dream nonetheless. Now it’s home.

4. They say it again—another comment about me asking questions. I could be projecting, but it smells familiar. Maybe my kind of curiosity is not the same as theirs.

5. I tell them I am choosing to trust my gut on this one.

6. It's German day at the food truck, which means I’m definitely getting a pretzel.

7. I almost forgot I had done all of this work already.

8. Focus on what is, not what is not.

9. Grilled salmon, couscous, the last of her tomatoes and corn and shallots cooked with a little bit of butter.

10. One quiz down, one more to go.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. I could go back to sleep right now lying here in Savasana.

2. Second guesses.

3. Shoulders back and down.

4. I see a flash of something and then feel a twinge of nostalgia for a more familiar self. So much of me changed when I got here, and sometimes, I want the old me back.

5. I can’t really say “no” to this, but could I? Should I?

6. Pretty sure someone in the parking lot sees me stooping over on the sidewalk trying to take pictures of grapes while my bags fall onto the ground.

7. Patterns.

8. Trying to erase the words of doubt that creep in. What would I rather see instead? There are other versions of this story.

9. Need to fix my face.

10. Oblivious.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Back at it.

2. Morning meditation. Peace.

3. The sun is breaking through so brightly, so clearly. The heat is coming.

4. When your 15-year-old compliments you, then you know it’s legit.

5. Making the drop-off loop and forgetting to circle back into town for that cup of decaf.

6. You could just tell the truth.

7. The thing is that there is a plan.

8. The questions that I ask myself.

9. Hanger steak and creamed spinach always go over well.

10. So much laughter at the dinner table. Sometimes, a table full of teenagers is the best—only two more years of this.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Slow Sunday.

2. Feeling the work of the week.

3. These cool mornings are just a tease, but I’ll linger under these dark skies for as long as I can.

4. First day of fall.

5. Costco order, and then a test, and then clip-building, and then, and then, and then.

6. “The Fire Inside.”

7. The power of intuition and love—and anger.

8. Preparing for all the stares and maybe a few questions.

9. Sunday lamb chops are becoming a thing.

10. You know what they say about a woman who cuts her hair: They’re about to change their life. Kind of the same thing.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-One

1. Quiet breaths on the back deck, staring out into the fog. Finding a few orange leaves in the trees. Ready for the season change.

2. Oh, I remember him. He talked about bears.

3. Hot in the sun, but cool in the shade. I’d rather stand under the merch tent than in the stands.

4. Drew. David. Dan. Douglas.

5. The long drive to Vallejo. The recognition of a body that has succumbed to disorder. Sea gulls eating spilled food off the hot asphalt. They still have plywood in the windows. She asks me if I need help with anything. How do you decide between 35 kinds of hair gel?

6. How many more days are we all willing to walk through these walls of gold and silver streamers?

7. “What do you daydream about?”

8. The Mayacamas backlight by the setting sun and that haze that settles in. That’s dreamy.

9. They’re 86 Gaja.

10. He is right. It is a good life.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety

1. Out of decaf.

2. This is more of what I like to do: problem-solving.

3. All the right pieces are here. It’s just a matter of putting them all together.

4. But I definitely can’t go 45 days without my email.

5. Tourists from the Midwest. I can hear it in their voice.

6. I manage to finish the quiz without getting car sick.

7. Big sky.

8. We take a route that winds alongside the lake. The light of the setting sun hits the ripples of the lake’s waters, and the land seems to jut straight up from the shore. Like a movie.

9. Two touchdowns. A two-point conversion. Tackles. Yardage on punts and kick-offs. And an interception. He did a little bit of everything, and he looks like it.

10. The upside of these late Friday nights is knowing I will let myself sleep past 5 a.m. the following morning.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Awake.

2. After the stretch, I do a little meditation.

3. A little bit of sunrise trying to split the fog.

4. Finally, a little bit of time to sit and write.

5. $4.60.

6. Really should have packed a lunch. Can only eat so many of these tiny packets of jerky and nuts.

7. When someone really gets what you’re doing and wants to support you, you have to spend time thinking about how to ensure that no one blocks you from the blessing.

8. Today, everything feels like it’s aligning. The secret was saying it out loud.

9. Locked out.

10. Consistency.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Getting easier and easier every day. I’m proud of me.

2. Grapefruit sprinkled with a little bit of sugar reminds me of my grandfather.

3. Electrolyte water. Posture brace. Decaf. Grapes. Work-from-home Wednesday feels good.

4. The most clarity I’ve had in a long time. I just needed someone to tell me how to break this down. Projects 1, 2, & 3. I like things in threes. I know what needs to be done.

5. I miss our daily chats. The gift of that place was the people.

6. One new face, and that gives me more hope. The focus has to be on who and what is present.

7. The gap between where I am and where I want to be feels wide but crossable.

8. The second-to-last scoop of macaroni and cheese.

9. I take a raffle ticket. “I’m in a winning mood,” I say.

10. I need the ocean.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Fruit day.

2. I arrive a little early, but they’ve already begun. Stack of half-ton bins filled with Merlot. It is still foggy and cool. I look at each station. I can do that and that and that. Could there ever be a time when I can do any of it again?

3. Eating tacos with her inher office. A familiar space. It feels good to be back in here again.

4. I tell her that I just don’t have the same sense of urgency as everyone else. That could be a good or a bad thing.

5. Everything is a choice.

6. I can feel the difference.

7. Maple walnut fudge.

8. It is only natural to think back and wonder what could have been done differently. But then, you wouldn’t be you if you hadn’t done what you had done. And a new you would require new choices, new ways of being and doing.

9. The time passes anyway.

10. Stacking the week with friend dates was a great idea.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. Consistency.

2. But stronger than last time.

3. Another foggy morning. Another French press of decaf. Another pan of bacon.

4. Familiar faces. It’s getting real now.

5. Salad and sunlight. A quiet spot in the back.

6. A new favorite hangout.

7. November 1? November 1.

8. It is always so cold in this grocery store.

9. Hammock time.

10. I can almost see it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Morning fog.

2. Clarity.

3. “You see with your mind.”

4. This is an example of the hard things.

5. One more homework assignment.

6. One more grocery list without a meal plan.

7. Two pieces of burnt pizza. A corner of sun on the deck. Two more burnt pieces and a nap in the hammock.

8. Fifty days.

9. Fifteen.

10. What died in here? Probably a snake.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. When no sleep feels like being hungover.

2. I start to think I should have picked a different weekend but there is no better weekend. Every weekend is the same. Every weekend will feel like we’re just trying to cram it all in. There is no perfect moment.

3. Cheetos.

4. I can’t wait to take a nap.

5. Gratitudes for the space and the ability to make this happen. And there’s not too much screaming. 15 seems so old.

6. Two-bite cupcakes.

7. No more snake sightings as of yet.

8. The older they get, the shorter the years. You just become so much more aware of the passing of time. How much little of it there is. I am afraid of losing it, of wasting it, of there not being enough.

9. I tell them that for the first time, it’s actually starting to feel like too much.

10. I will regret this bowl of ice cream in the morning but for now…

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Can’t stop thinking about snakes.

2. Validation.

3. Where is my cookie?

4. This is not going to work out as well as I thought it would, but I’ll figure it out?

5. We talk about the difference between freelancing and a “real job” and the beauty and ugliness of both. The grass is never greener.

6. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different.

7. A smile on the face.

8. One minute late.

9. Extensions?

10. Very much not prepared for this birthday party that’s happening tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Thursday, which means it’s almost Friday.

2. Decaf in the French press is the new favorite.

3. I look down and see a small coil of brown. A snake. A snake. A snake. He gets a dust pan and broom and sweeps it out onto the deck and beneath the railing to the hill below. I ask him if it’s the same one he saw last night. He says he doesn’t think so.

4. I show the big kid the picture of the snake and ask him if it’s the same one he saw last night. No. He doesn’t think so.

5. Forgot.

6. Out of breath, but that’s not a surprise.

7. Never not taking pictures of grape clusters.

8. No snacks, no lunch, no purse.

9. This one-on-one time is sometimes better—definitely needed.

10. Exhausted joy.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Slow flow.

2. The peace of the quiet and the trees.

3. A cup of Naysayer’s Dad Joke Decaf.

4. I tell him that I miss the days when I was more in the wine than I am now.

5. “Most people are not going after what they want. Even some of the most serious goal seekers and goal setters, they're going after what they think they can get.”

6. Still the best food in town.

7. Choice.

8. My third and last time through.

9. Did you just say you saw a snake go under the fridge?

10. But he’s right. Will the change happen in only 54 days? There are only 54 days.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty

1. Oh, so cold.

2. Morning sweat.

3. They’ve started by stripping the limbs of the trees—thick, tall brown sticks.

4. But at least he’s talking.

5. Commas. No commas. Why does this have to be so complicated?

6. I think I’m falling asleep while I’m driving, and all the chips are gone.

7. Another x-ray in a year.

8. It doesn’t have to be this way.

9. I take my headphones off because I can’t possibly be hearing what I’m hearing.

10. “I don’t have any regrets…’cause I was me.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. Tiptoeing in the dark.

2. Early morning phone calls.

3. I’m pretty sure this coffee is too weak.

4. Good thing I read the email. Quick change. Quick drive. No water bottle. No coffee.

5. Yes. That is a model.

6. Ceasar salad, white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie, large decaf.

7. On the plus side…

8. Good news. Different, but the same, but better.

9. Not enough time with the emails today.

10. I’m always the one to say what no one wants to hear.