Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Hard time getting out of bed.

2. I realize that it’s the sound of rain.

3. She gets it.

4. I can tell by the words that I’m hearing that someone is leaving. Another one bites the dust.

5. A bowl of risotto with mushrooms. I keep waiting for a second course until I realize that there is no second course. It’s too bad that I like to eat.

6. “Be decisive. A wrong decision is generally less disastrous than indecision.” ― Bernhard Langer

7. So. much. rain.

8. They say they had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I think this is a good thing.

9. Problem-solving.

10. Four more.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Sunlight and gratitudes.

2. The second day in a row I’m doing this solo, but it’s not the worst thing. It’s just different. Like old times?

3. Be thankful for what it is instead of what it isn’t.

4. I said, I wanna touch the earth /

   I wanna break it in my hands /

   I wanna grow something wild and unruly …

5. Camarones al mojo de ajo. I know I need something filling because I won’t be able to eat after the game.

6. I miss seeing him more regularly. I miss his insight and wisdom on those rougher post-game days.

7. Dirty chai.

8. I’ve never had a ref yell at me before. But I also have never yelled at a ref before. But also, they deserved it.

9. No pressure, she says.

10. But the most important thing is that they found their edge.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. How in the world could I possibly be up before the alarm?

2. All black.

3. The sound of the water hitting the roof of the car and the windshield. The rush of the muddy river water. Thin streams of water ripple across the pavement.

4. But, the thing is that at the end of the day, we always say that we miss the people. So, maybe it would be nice to be with those people?

5. I tell them I have PTSD from the last time I had a Caesar salad. I can only manage 10 or so bites.

6. The meaning behind the comment is what is irritating.

7. I think about how he said it wouldn’t matter what they did, it would flood anyway. And it’s flooding.

8. More rain. Heavy, heavy rain. Rising waters. Sliding rock.

9. This is what I want to see every single day.

10. Clamps.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. One last desert sunrise.

2. I move through the space, feeling unencumbered., feeling lighter.

3. A whole pot of decaf to myself, ready for the slowness of the morning.

4. A morning glory muffin. Every bite hints at a memory that won’t fully come into focus.

5. Sanctuary. Protection or a safe place…

6. I tell him that mental health days are a real thing.

7. Frank Lloyd Wright’s Taliesin West. Destruction of the box. Nature of the site. Nature of the materials. Designing for democracy. Repetition and rhythm. Reflection pool. Bouganvelia. I imagine being one of the apprentices building the walls, installing the canvas screens, stacking wood for the fires.

8. The lady in the printed dress.

9. “He’s my day one,” he says. “She’s my day one, too.”

10. All I can do is close my eyes.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Waking up softly.

2. Morning sky in the desert: soft and magical and slow.

3. Bacon and eggs and a big, hot cup of decaf.

4. These highways are so wide and flat, and this early in the morning, empty.

5. I find a spot on the field in the sun, lay down, and look at the bright blue sky. Deep breaths.

6. One and done. An anticlimactic way to end the experience.

7. She says I can also rest since I don’t really get to do that these days. She’s right. I slide under the covers and close my eyes.

8. I love it, but I couldn’t survive the summers.

9. Solo hot tub sit. Cool night air. All the stars and the quiet.

10. Stuck on the how.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety-One

1. I startle myself awake and realize that I’ve overslept, but only by five minutes. Thank goodness I gave myself a buffer.

2. She keeps telling them they have to move further towards the back, and they keep ignoring her. Too few people on the plane means we need to distribute the weight.

3. Decaf coffee and tiny bites of cinnamon graham crackers.

4. As we leave the rental car lot, I look up at the pinkish morning sky and think, “Yeah, I needed this time away, too.”

5. It’s hard not to think of them as the five-year-old children you first met, even though you have to get on your toes to give them hugs.

6. This 70 degrees feels way hotter than 70 degrees.

7. The silhouette of the mountains against the orange sunset.

8. Awkward outsider feeling. Stella in a glass and bad bar food and lots of noise.

9. I just need to sleep.

10. “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ninety

1. Another gray start to the day.

2. “Look! There are people in there!”

3. I look down and see the screenshot. Is it crazy that I am seriously considering it?

4. He says that he could tell by the tone of my voice that I’m irritated. It’s just that I want them to figure out how to have a bone in their body.

5. The hours are slipping away. All I can do is surrender to the passage of time. Today. Always.

6. A new driver. She’s a happy, kind one, too.

7. What could we have done differently to have a more desirable outcome?

8. Laughter in the locker room after a weird, long week. That’s all I really want.

9. Turns out I’m missing a really great game.

10. A cheeseburger at midnight before heading to the hotel because even though I’m too tired to eat an entire meal, I know I need something. I can feel my stomach growling. Can I get at least two hours of sleep before that 3:30 a.m. shuttle?

11. No contact solution. No contacts.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. A deep stretch.

2. Need new shoes.

3. I am a little bit shocked. But also not. Still, it’s disappointing, even though, in the end, it will be what’s best. I think back to the concern they expressed about stability—a concern I didn’t directly address but one that has stuck with me.

4. What a weird week indeed.

5. Maybe it’s better that it doesn’t work out.

6. Can I find the right words?

7. Where is the sun?

8. I forgot to eat lunch so I pop wint-o-green lifesavers instead. My mouth tastes like an old woman’s purse.

9. “I believe in you.”

10. It’s been a long time since all of us were at the dinner table. I start laughing before I get to the punch line of the joke. “I’m reading a book on antigravity. I can’t put it down.” “I’m not having kids.” “Your aunt can do whatever she wants. I’ll just be the rich aunt to their kids.” “I really hope the girls don’t crash out on the court tomorrow at Kelseyville.” “Zesty.” In the mock adult project he’s working on, he’s a professionally athlete making the median $193,000 and living in Dallas with no roommates, though he and his friend bought matching Teslas.

11. The little things that are the big things.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Foggy, cloudy, whatever it is, it’s keeping in the cold.

2. Grateful that it’s Wednesday, and there is a little bit of time to sit before the work must begin.

3. I like her enough that I would want to protect her. But no place is immune.

4. I miss feeling creative. I miss dream time. I miss real conversations. I miss art. I miss breathing room. I miss a consistently clean home. I miss freedom.

5. The thing about coming to this place is that there is a high probability of running into someone you know that you don’t necessarily want to see.

6. It might be better to take this one off. Maybe we all need the space.

7. Remember that it’s not about you. It’s good to seek different perspectives.

8. Where are the resources for things like this?

9. None of this really matters.

10. There is growth.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. If can just get back into the swing of things with something short, but not too challenging to test my strength, then that will be good.

2. What a difference it makes.

3. I tell myself that it’s only three hours. I can handle three hours.

4. “Personal power is our belief in our own ability to create impact.” - Chris Lipp

   1. A sense of control.

   2. A sense of agency.

   3. A focus on action.

5. She’s not dead.

6. No buy-in.

7. I opt for something hot instead. Heat kills germs.

8. Of all the drives, it’s the straightest of them all, and I’m grateful for that.

9. There comes a point where you know you’ve said all you can say, and you just watch as it unfolds. And even though logically you know that this game is okay to lose, and you understand the conditions under which you are playing, you still just hate to lose.

10. We need to find our edge.

11. Every year, I care more and more about this than I do about a lot of other things and that is telling, but also a problem.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. So cold, but also so sunny.

2. The way the sunlight falls onto everything. And the way, from this view up here, it looks like a dream—a painting you’ve been dropped into.

3. How to get from here to there.

4. There is still this undercurrent of instability.

5. They called it a rout.

6. Sometimes, this extra day between games is a good thing. We could all use a light day.

7. Shoe towers and memories.

8. I don’t remember what this deck of cards means.

9. Salmon and spinach and risotto with a beurre rouge. How could he not want to eat this?

10. We won’t repeat the same mistakes.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Tuesday that feels like a Monday. Thank goodness I took that Monday.

2. There’s an option at the end of each meditation to rate how you’re feeling. I always scroll all the way to the right—to “great” even though I’m not great yet. Yet.

3. I’m glad we made today happen even though it wasn’t going to happen because two of us messed something up.

4. Spilling tea.

5. And there are days like this, and you feel okay about it all because there is laughter and connectedness, and that’s what you need to get through.

6. I keep forgetting that they’re closed on Tuesdays, so I have to settle for a yerba mate instead of the dirty chai.

7. Headache. Dehydration? Dehydration.

8. Moving in slow motion.

9. Record breakers. Next: score 80+ points. They can do it.

10. Grandma Rose says, “Everybody hits.” I say, “Everybody scores. We’re a balanced team, and when everyone scores, we win.”

11. He says that if we win by 20 or more points, he will buy me a bottle of Champagne. 74-49.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. 4:34 a.m.

2. They’ve changed the decaf coffee. Not bad, but not as good as Naysayer.

3. Maximize what can be done with what you have.

4. Trying to avoid the news.

5. I almost wonder if showing this to them will backfire.

6. All I can think about is taking a nap. Pajama pants and cozy socks on. Slide under the covers.

7. I remember that I didn’t lock up the classroom, so I put my jeans back on and make my way back to the school. It’s suddenly windy, and leaves are swirling around.

8. As long as I get those decaf pods before tomorrow morning.

9. There is a fine line between denial and acceptance.

10. I could use another day. Why do I need another day?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Mornings when I can’t sleep.

2. The way the sunlight leaks through the morning fog. Almost holy.

3. So. much. laundry.

4. Enough time to finally clean the bathrooms and sweep and vacuum.

5. Glad they got a win on this one. Even with all of those turnovers. But they always work hard, and that’s what matters.

6. We both eat big chicken burrito bowls for a late lunch. It’s still cloudy and cold.

7. Need just one more day.

8. He says that the girls were patient. I wonder what that means. She says that people were rude and did not say “please” or “thank you.” I guess that is what he means by them being patient.

9. They notice that I still have my tree up. “I’ll try to take it down tomorrow,” I say.

10. He had fun.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. Slow start to the Saturday.

2. Foggy morning coffee run.

3. Feeling it in every muscle.

4. Special delivery.

5. They almost got the win today. Almost.

6. I already know that I need one more day. How do I get one more day?

7. Watching videos of the water washing over the rocks. The rhythms of nature.

8. Traffic on the way back home. The sun is out. The mustard is blooming. And it’s a holiday weekend. A preview of what’s to come.

9. He says that regardless, it’s great that we are having this conversation. And then, as always, how much do I say? When will it be the right time? Probably better to say something now than later?

10. But I think they can handle it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-One

1. Friday. Game day.

2. She asks me if I will remember, though. At first, I am offended even though she’s right. I forget about a lot of things these days. However, today, I will remember the blanket and the pillow.

3. I grab a copy of the paper while he pays for the coffee and find the article in the center with a few pictures and giggle to myself because I can imagine what she’s going to say. But they look like they are playing basketball.

4. To have reached the point where there aren’t enough uniforms is a good place to be.

5. I look at all the bags lined up on the sidewalk and it looks like we’re going away for three days not 12 hours. Better to have and not need than need and not have as Mom would say.

6. Standing on the bluffs overlooking the water. The colors of the water today are especially beautiful. The sun is lowering itself in the sky, casting gold against the rugged rocks and rough sea.

7. The three of us are standing on the edge looking down at the sea lions and the crashing waters. An older couple and their dog make their way past. “Did you see the whale? It’s the first one we’ve seen of the season. Look out there against the horizon and you’ll see them blowing water.” They continue on and the three of us stare silently out at the sea. There’s one and another and another and another. We realize that we’ve been staring down at the water below that we had failed to look beyond the bouys. And isn’t that a metaphor for life? How often are we staring so hard at what’s right in front of our faces that we fail to see the beauty beyond the horizon?

8. 42-41 road win against a tough opponent. This team. Record breakers.

9. “I think I ran over some baby piggies.”

10. Crawling into bed. TGIF.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty-One

1. In the dream, I am walking through Trader Joe’s and see a newborn baby all bundled up, resting on top of a stack of boxes. I pick up the baby and decide that I’m going to take care of it. But I can’t find any formula to feed it. In the next store, the formula is locked behind the glass.

2. Hot-sauce burpee.

3. So much laundry.

4. I am the first one in the office, so I keep her on speakerphone as I turn on the lights and make my first cup of decaf.

5. It just might be okay after all.

6. In telling the story, he says the words “soccer” and “Mr. Rapinoe,” and there can only be one. We talk about basketball and building a program and he understands the significance of going from 4-20 to 7-8 with half a season to go.

7. I could fight it, but I don’t have the energy to.

8. To see three colleagues in one place is something that never happens—especially not in a middle school gym.

9. Well. That was fun.

10. What is the baby?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighty

1. A Wednesday that feels like a Friday. Grateful it’s a work-from-home day.

2. I go in, even though I am in my slippers. It’s a brighter, cooler, more comfortable space now, and I’m sure it’s going to be a hit in town.

3. It’s hard to care when you don’t care. And it’s hard not to care when you are used to caring very much about a lot of things.

4. The sun is bright, but it still feels cold.

5. Tliyuda and Barbacoa = best lunch I’ve had all month.

6. She tells me that she has a list of people who made it big later on in life. There is still plenty of time.

7. Goal setting.

8. Unplanned Gott’s dinner. A glass of wine and conversations about making it work with all that you have going on as a mother, a wife, an employee.

9. Rules for living (Dr. Pratima Raichur):

   1. Simplify your day.

   2. Prioritize proper nutrition.

   3. Sleep well.

   4. Notice your thoughts.

10. Too tired.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. It takes me a minute to remember that the sound I am hearing is coming from the speakers. The playlist is cycling through nature sounds.

2. I tell him that I have a good feeling about today. Something that feels different. Something about them feels different.

3. So cold.

4. It’s always a game of how much information is too much.

5. Another cup of noodles while typing and trying to think of new ways to say the same things.

6. I think we’re more excited than scared, and that’s a much better place to be.

7. Thinking of all the people I need to text, email, or call. Thinking of all the things I’d like to make room in my brain to do. Seeing all the school emails popping in to remind me that the spring semester begins soon and that I need to do my FAFSA and I need to find an internship. An internship. How will I have time for an internship?

8. Tight game. I can see the frustration on the faces of the opposing team. That’s a good thing. We go into the locker room tied 17-17.

9. 39-29. So close. But so far. But so close. The closest margin of defeat in 10 years is just fine. And we’re still 7-8 and 2-3, and that’s still better than we’ve been in 10 years. This is still the best team. And I think they are finally starting to believe it.

10. But still, there are small signs along the way that let you know you’re doing something right.

11. Too much adrenaline for a Tuesday night.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. Monday, Monday, Monday.

2. We settle for our 12-minute call.

3. How embarrassed I will be to be associated with this now.

4. I step outside to get my water bottle. The sun is bright, the air is crisp, and the breeze is cold.

5. The only thing about being in the office is too many snacks: Danish butter cookies, Hersey nuggets, sour cream and onion chips.

6. The theory is that if they can see it, then maybe they will better understand it. And then, maybe they will make different choices.

7. We walk back to the gym, and she says she’s excited. I’m excited, though I feel as though I must always temper my excitement should that excitement make everyone else nervous. But this is a different team. A better team. A winning team. And if nothing else, we will definitely not lose by 46 points again.

8. Did they really just do that? They really did. A little thing that is a big thing. It's amazing what a little bit of focus can do.

9. High fives all around.

10. Driving in the car with two baguettes balancing on the center console.