Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Seven

1. Keeping my eyes closed.

2. Skipping the workout to rest the body.

3. Everyone had the same idea, she says. If we stay focused, we can be in and out of here quickly.

4. Can barely keep my eyes open on the way back home. It’s not even noon yet.

5. Trying to journal but too tired to find the words.

6. Making peace with the fact that all of the things I thought I would do during the break are not going to happen.

7. More rain.

8. Another nap.

9. Christmas Eve Eve.

10. She asks me if we have the stuff to hang the stockings. We do. I just haven’t done it yet.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Six

1. I can do it.

2. The challenge of something new. The way the body shakes. The way the mind needs to focus.

3. Losing time while trying to find what has been lost.

4. Tumeric latte and a frittata. She says she’s been trying to catch my eye. Wants to understand how I got my hair this way. And where do I live? Here. Yep. Here.

5. Remembering to put the chicken into the Instapot for tacos.

6. Last year? A wonder we lost by only 13 points.

7. I tell him that I think tonight I might need to break my caffeine fast. “If I’m asking them to have energy, I need to bring some energy, too.”

8. I turn on my 90’s and 2000’s alternative playlist and sip on a dirty chai while setting up the gym. “11 a.m.” by Incubus. Pushing the switch to raise the backboards.

9. A lot of smiles and laughter. I don’t stop the conversations. This is good. Let it carry.

10. 31-28. A few more minutes to go. I think we’re going to do it. I think it’s going to happen.

11. Now, tomorrow, we can really party.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Five

1. Body says to rest today.

2. But I feel the lack of energy. And I’m out of decaf pods for the placebo effect.

3. Mind is moving slow, slow, slow.

4. Krug is never a bad idea.

5. Who knew scratch-offs would be the hot ticket item for the white elephant? I end up with a set of whisky glasses into which I’ll pour crisp white wine for fireside reading because sometimes you don’t need to follow any rules.

6. Still mulling over what the goal of the afternoon will be. Just gotta go with my gut.

7. What is a pathway to joy? Gratitude? Sleep? A combination of both.

8. He asks me if we had an intervention. Kind of.

9. The timing of things.

10. One more day and then some real days of rest.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Four

1. Up before the alarm. Thinking of all the things that need to get done.

2. Another decaf to take off the chill.

3. The drive there is long, but at least it’s sunny.

4. Pay attention to the signs.

5. Two dear out in the field. I always forget how much space there is out here. Maybe this is what will be next.

6. “So designate a space for your thoughts to whirl and wander. Then implement your more practical plans. Doing so will help you indulge your imagination while staying grounded in reality.” - Chani

7. I am tired of writing this word, but I’m going to write it anyway.

8. Feeling very deeply the tension between what is and what I want to be.

9. It either happens or it doesn’t. And no one will die in the end.

10. If this were last year, I would just go sit in his office and talk it through. Maybe I’d see a bird in the feeder. Maybe I’d figure it out sooner.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Three

1. A patch of blue sky through the fog.

2. Not sure what all of this is for.

3. I read the text messages and start to think. What do I do now? She says I’m handling it with grace.

4. In and out of the fog. Winding through the hills.

5. He says he walked to the In ‘n’ Out to get lunch. That he loved the time alone. It gave him time to clear his head. Best burger he’s had. Order number 7. Fresh fries. That’s my kid.

6. Once I figure out where I am, I ask to see him, but he’s in a patient-only space, so I go back to the lobby, where someone is playing piano, and try to work while I wait.

7. Now, to get all the way back home.

8. So close. So close.

9. Keep building the connections.

10. To ice cream or not to ice cream, that is the question.

11. Losing will never not be hard.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. The rain sounds heavy. Very heavy.

2. How do I make this a work-from-home kind of day?

3. We both find our feet in front of the fire, laptops in hand.

4. But what I really want to do is go back to bed and fall asleep to the sound of the rain.

5. Doing it.

6. Fun run and then brownie bites.

7. For some reason, I feel compelled to buy ice cream and caramel and walnuts. And I probably won’t eat it.

8. “It’s a fatal error to not go with your gut.”

9. And then you remember why you do what you’re doing and why you love it.

10. What do we need to do tomorrow to recreate what we achieved yesterday?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Day three.

2. We sit in the chairs looking out into the little valley below, rain falling steadily from above. I feel much calmer today.

3. “What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?”

4. Two things: it was Friday the 13th, and we didn’t scream.

5. He says that he can hear us from the locker room, and that’s a good thing.

6. We tell him two jokes and he doesn’t laugh. He’s a tough one to crack.

7. Anything over this is really just the gravy on top. We’re only a third of the way through, so I know that there is more to come.

8. When you root for the opps just because you dislike the other team so much.

9. The boys get another 1st place trophy and stay undefeated. This will be a fun season to watch.

10. Hot honey pepperoni pizza while scouting in the little chair in front of the fireplace. I need one more day to do just only this.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixty

1. One bite at a time.

2. I know I’ll feel better if I do than if I don’t.

3. Gratitudes for another day to be in this house while the rain falls heavy. The way the pond ripples from the poke of the rain. The way the leaves surrender to the weight of each drop.

4. “The best thing you can do is master the chaos in you. You are not thrown into the fire; you are the fire.”

5. You are the fire.

6. Feet in front of the fire. Too many emails.

7. It’s those jeans tucked into the boots and the phony smile.

8. Where is the disconnect?

9. He’s right. Gotta change it up. Trust my gut. I know what to do.

10. Wash it all away with the rain.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. A few extra minutes.

2. A thin white string of fog woven between the trees.

3. The sense of peace brought on by the rain and the darkness. For every up, a down. For every down, an up.

4. Clean.

5. I manage to get dinner into the Instapot before I have to leave, which feels like a major feat compared to the last few weeks.

6. I ask him if he’s joking or being serious. I’m just not used to hearing this kind of compliment from a teacher for them.

7. But it doesn’t feel like we’re winning.

8. If we could take the energy of one and combine it with the skill of the other…

9. A double-cheeseburger with grilled onions, add ketchup and mustard. Yes, keep the secret sauce, too.

10. Yes. One day, I’ll sleep again.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. A Wednesday that feels like it should be a Friday.

2. I sit down at the table and start to think about where we were at the end of last season and what we’ve already done. Do they believe me now? I believe it.

3. I take my seat at the back again. I know it’s a bad look, but the seats are just so close—to close.

4. Daydreams of what could be next.

5. Not the kind of numbers you want the day before, but we press on.

6. Picture day. We agree that time goes by so fast. Faster and faster every year.

7. A good story.

8. The sound of rain on the rooftop.

9. He tells me that he’s happy that I’m so excited about cleaning my home and sitting in front of my fireplace.

10. Ready.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Late start but I manage to get in a good session to steady myself for the day.

2. I don’t think red falls in the parameters of the dress code, but it’s game day so I wear the red blazer anyway.

3. It’s always so cold in this basement. A meeting room without windows is soul-sucking.

4. I think everyone just wanted to eat lunch.

5. Butterflies. The first time I’ve had butterflies so far this season. I take a few deep breaths and drink some water.

6. “I feel a sweep,” I say. “Me too. But I always think I’m going to win,” he says. I turn to look at him. “My husband always says that every night, despite the length of our losing streak, I always said that we could win. You can always win.” “Even when I lose, I win.” I nod my head in agreement—lucky, lucky us.

7. i see that we’re up by 10 points and take a time out to tell everyone to relax, slow the pace down.

8. The last time we beat them was 2012.

9. “And we did it with only seven girls,” I say to her. “It’s the right seven.” I agree.

10. I tell him that I think the secret is the screaming.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Monday. Monday.

2. Staring longingly at my fireplace.

3. This car locking and unlocking thing is getting to be a bit much.

4. Fingers digging around the candy bowls for

5. Shoulders up by my ears.

6. New records.

7. What happens tomorrow will be a result of what happens today.

8. How is next week the last week of school before break? How is Christmas only two weeks away? I blame the sunshine and 70 degrees.

9. If only he saw in himself what we see in him. And truly believed it.

10. Lean into your strengths.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. I tell him that waking up after a win hits different.

2. Slow Sunday. And I don’t have to make dinner.

3. Mountain Lion. Leadership. “The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.” “It is the understanding that all beings are potential leaders in their own way.” “Balance POWER, INTENTION, STRENGTH, and GRACE.”

   Bear. Introspection. “Regain your authority.” “Reclaim the power of knowing.” “Use your strengths to overcome your weaknesses and know that both are necessary for your evolution. “DREAM YOUR DREAMS and OWN THEM.”

   Coyote. Trickery. “When was the last time you did something just because it was crazy and fun?”

4. Hot, hot fire.

5. Scouting. Setting goals for us the week. I never don’t think we can win.

6. I find the cacao because I am out of the decaf pods and just need something warm. I need my routine.

7. Even he noticed it watching from thousands of miles away. Why isn’t he more aggressive? What is he afraid of?

8. I grab a second plate because the thing about game days is that I have a hard time eating because of my nerves. And three straight days of games means very little for dinner and a very hungry woman.

9. Maybe that kind of anger will fuel him.

10. This is a thing I know I can do well.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. A good sleep-in.

2. Game-day outfit - red-and-white-striped sweater, flare jeans. Final day. A good day.

3. He starts the bacon. I find the box of coffeecake mix. I can’t find my appetite, though.

4. There are more pages than I thought there would be.

5. The best seat in the house is the scorer’s table. The most stressful seat in the house is…the scorer’s table.

6. In my notes, the word “scream.”

7. Better.

8. 2nd place. 2-1 for this tournament. One down, one more to go.

9. I show her a picture of a painting of Louis XIV because when I meant he didn’t look like he’s from this century, this is what I meant.

10. Exhausted in the best way possible.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Why did I pick this one?

2. The sky is a weird color: blue and pink and orange. Like a fire sky.

3. He asks me if I felt the earthquake. No, but I never do. Then I hear the alerts for tsunami warnings. Seven-point-somethings are not small at all.

4. Hanger steak and french fries and a glass of wine for game-day lunch.

5. It feels like this is more complicated than it needs to be.

6. I know why she’s calling.

7. “…. We are ourselves good fortune.”

8. Exactly what we needed. Maybe we found the right words to unlock it.

9. Snapped the streak. Finally.

10. Back at it tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. One more day.

2. Body weight only.

3. There’s only one slice left, so why not?

4. Knowing it won’t work, but trying anyway.

5. Distracted by the hummingbird feeding on the flower. How cool is it to see, in December, a flower in bloom and a hummingbird flitting about in the sunshine?

6. Giving oneself permission to let it run its course.

7. The right kind of soreness.

8. I tell him that sometimes all you can do is laugh. Because, after all, they’re here to have a good time.

9. It’s not the work, it’s the people.

10. It’s always about the people.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Just one log.

2. A Tuesday that feels like a Wednesday.

3. To be called disingenuous.

4. Both. And. Compassionate but with boundaries.

5. Not enough time to sit and doodle and think. But in two more days.

6. I should have taken a walk today.

7. Change is change, and in this moment, it’s too early to know whether it’s good or bad.

8. Cold legs.

9. Tomato soup and grilled cheese.

10. Second-to-last slice of pecan pie. A few minutes of a baking show. A quick write-up for the paper. Trying to hold the vision.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty

1. I will regret this lifting later today.

2. Only enough time for one log on the fire.

3. One more cup of decaf.

4. I remember that I can just take a walk. Perfect in the sun but a little chilly in the shade. I kick up the yellow and brown leaves as I walk past workers sitting beside their trucks.

5. Stop eating salad while standing up.

6. Have fun. At the end of the day, there has to be a little bit of fun.

7. So close. So close. Is there such a thing as a good loss? Yes.

8. Can never eat dinner after a game no matter how hungry I am.

9. I run my shoulder into the doorframe and feel those lifts that I knew I would regret.

10. Pie?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. Almost slept too long.

2. Tender sides and quads and back.

3. Not sure how anyone could be pumped up with this kind of music playing.

4. Sun out. I lean back in my seat and close my eyes while eating the rest of the warm morning bun.

5. But are we all on the same page here?

6. Finally got my fire.

7. Craving another slice of pecan pie.

8. Mother Nature. Patience. Cleansing.

9. One of my favorite hours of the week.

10. “The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is that you want. This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.” - Women Who Rung With the Wolves

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. The downside of the heat being on is that the morning workouts are much sweatier.

2. Coming around the curve, I see a layer of frost on everything.

3. One by one.

4. He’s right. Don’t say anything today; save it for another time. Now is not the time to squeeze.

5. Second shower of the morning. A meditation.

6. I had forgotten that she was sending me something. The note says something about a creature. I tell my husband that I hope it isn’t something that was at some time alive. Inside the paper is a metal snail. A snail. A snail! The most perfect tiny talisman at the the perfect time.

7. Feeling like focaccia.

8. He’s right. I wouldn’t quit.

9. I already know that I need one more day.

10. “Now is not the time to lose faith.”