Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Take it slow.

2. Early haircut for one, then back home for coffee and morning pages to organize the day.

3. Overcast morning, and the soft white light filtering through the house.

4. Collecting the stacks of Post-its on my desk—notes from audiobooks:

   “Affirm your values!”

   “PRESENCE + COMMUNITY”

   “Time is the greatest revealer of truth.”

   “Growth is an output, not a reason for being.”

5. Lettuce wrap burger and fries with everyone. It’s just a little bit cold, and you can feel a few raindrops here and there.

6. I bring the library books with me in hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze a quick trip in before we must go, but there is not enough time. There is never enough time.

7. Falling asleep in the car. I can’t help but close my eyes. I blame the burger and the workweek.

8. The sounds of AAU basketball.

9. It might just be his feet.

10. “The transformation occurs by operating from a seemingly impossible and imagined future, and takes you in a non-linear and radically different direction and approach that what you (and everyone else) have been doing up to this point.” - 10x is Easier Than 2x

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-One

1. No regrets.

2. Where is that foam roller?

3. Today feels like a day for the kimono.

4. What did I hear myself say today? What values are currently in alignment? What values are missing?

5. He simply forgot.

6. It’s the end of the shoot day, and we suddenly realize that we haven’t eaten anything all day.

7. It has felt like Friday since Monday. Something about the energy of the week. Frenetic. Frantic. Frenzied.

8. He changed his walk-up song. The first five seconds countdown from five to one. Number 1.

9. Sometimes, it’s the accumulation of the little things that send you over the edge.

10. You could just run away.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty

1. Is it Friday yet?

2. Something is different about the light. Ah. They are gone now; no more glow from their deck.

3. I finish my bracket just in time.

4. There is something about this that I like. Can I make it a regular part of my routine?

5. The way I am avoiding my emails these days.

6. As they relay the story, I feel even more of my energy leave my body. There are two things that give me pause which ultimately lead me to realization that there is no trust. So where do you go from there?

7. We end with three runs scored. They have it in them.

8. He says something about a smoked brisket, and I’m a definite yes. “There’s no vegetables,” he says.

9. The kind of madness you’re looking for in March.

10. I can’t believe I missed the first day of spring.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. Been too long.

2. When will holding a down dog feel easier?

3. Belgian waffle with whipped cream and strawberries, a cup of coffee, and friendship.

4. Rainy Sundays.

5. They’ve already done the hardest part; now, here’s a list of what else needs to be done. And it’s a lot.

6. I can do this instead of complaining. I’ll summon the energy from somewhere deep down.

7. Syllabus tests.

8. “…moving toward chosen goals even when it’s emotionally difficult.”

9. Firewood Fairy.

10. The time of the night when the frogs are the loudest.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Small things done consistently.

2. So cold. So wet.

3. I walk out of the bathroom and spot her, out of uniform, in gym class. “Where’s your gym shirt?” I say as she pretends not to see me.

4. The truth is that there really isn’t much I would change. I want to repeat and refine.

5. Slow it down.

6. The first emails for the spring session.

7. I hear the man say that he cooks every morning and that he’s the kind of person who needs to clean the pan before he eats. Same, sir. Same.

8. I keep moving these random post-its around my desk. They are full of scribblings from the audiobooks I’ve been listening to over the past few months.

9. I tell him that I’m done making decisions today.

10. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Sore knees and elbows. I decide to listen to my body and rest instead.

2. Looks like there may be a baseball game after all. I’m going to need a bigger coat.

3. “The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.”

4. Trust your gut.

5. So, we’re all feeling the same thing.

6. I pop a bag of popcorn on my way out for a snack. I realize that I never got around to eating my lunch—too many meetings.

7. I fold the letter, put it back in the envelope, and tuck it into my inside coat pocket. Some days, I feel like the luckiest.

8. The rain stays away long enough to make the game enjoyable—just enough sun to keep the chill away for most of the afternoon.

9. He says it’s clear from the picture how loving our friendship is.

10. This was a better idea.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. I remember that he has the early practice today, so I must get out of bed.

2. The rain has started. There’s a thin coating of wet over everything.

3. I already miss the sun.

4. The feeling of coming back to an empty house at 8 a.m. to start the day. Coffee and slippers and a an ever-growing list of emergencies to tend to.

5. The sound of the rain whipping against the glass.

6. Fried chicken and a glass of 2022 La Pelle Sauvignon Blanc on a very rainy day.

7. The work is to take what’s in front of you and figure out how you can shape it into something that can feed the need.

8. Double everything.

9. They all say how weird it is to see light at 7:30 at night. I say it’s exciting.

10. No, not Friday yet.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. “Fiery yoga.’

2. First one in the office means I get to keep the lights off for at least a little while longer.

3. I think about taking a break for a walk outside, but something about today doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen.

4. As I listen to the book, I see the real live examples playing out in the day-to-day.

5. Does it feel like there’s no plan? Definitely. I’m pretty certain there isn’t one. It’s just a feeling you get when people are winging it. Is it worse to have a bad plan or no plan at all?

6. These are not emergencies.

7. Almost over the fence. “It’s because he doesn’t care,” I whisper out the corner of my mouth.

8. Tomato soup and grilled cheese.

9. Sometimes, these kids are amusing. If you let them talk, you learn so much.

10. So glad tomorrow is Wednesday.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. How am I still sweating this early in the morning?

2. The last thing I expect to see. This little message—it’s giving me anxiety. It feels all too familiar. I try to push it out of my mind.

3. On the other hand, I’m inspired to write another entry on Substack.

4. Another class is changing terms, and the semester begins in a week.

5. Also, how is it already in the middle of March?

6. Carnitas in the park.

7. She says no one likes him, but that’s really not that surprising.

8. Something must be happening today in the NFL because my ESPN alerts are going crazy.

9. Roasted chicken, creamy kale, olive oil, and garlic couscous. “I don’t usually pat myself on the back,” I say. “But this is a tasty dinner.” Another reason a work-from-home day solves so many of my problems.

10. At least I got him talking.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Really feeling that hour.

2. I want to go but know that there is too much to be done at home. And honestly, after yesterday, I probably need a day of cocooning. Then I remember all of the laundry.

3. You must begin somewhere.

4. Banging on the windows to stop the woodpeckers from forward progress.

5. About that laundry.

6. Was there ever a time when meal planning was fun?

7. Cornbread and butter.

8. Thinking about not thinking about work. There will be time for that.

9. The stands feel crowded, and the faces unfamiliar.

10. I think this is the fifth baseball/softball game for me this week. Not a complaint. More like a shocking realization.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twenty

1. Finally Friday.

2. Which game are we playing? Finite or Infinite?

3. Trying to catch up many months in just a few hours. Hungry for depth.

4. The fact that they keep repeating that it will “be fun” most certainly means it will not be fun.

5. Just get through. Over and through.

6. They forgot to keep the secret sauce.

7. Solo drive. Phone call instead of music or a podcast. Watching the landscape change as I drive further and further away. Sometimes, I miss the rolling green hills of the East Bay.

8. I know that as soon as the sun drops behind the mountain, it will feel like the arctic tundra.

9. If In ‘n’ Out is involved, she’s going to ride the bus back home.

10. Watching the sunset in the rearview mirror. West coast sunsets just have a different feel.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Nineteen

1. I debate whether or not I should get out of bed. I let my knees decide for me. It’s okay to rest. I’ll find another day to work out.

2. Underdressed? Overdressed?

3. Thank goodness the sun is out.

4. Everything is temporary.

5. I keep looking at my watch and realize that maybe I am thinking about those circles too much.

6. Flavor and texture.

7. Just one thing. Just one thing? Maybe that really is the way. But every fiber in my being resists this idea.

8. It’s been a long time since I’ve walked the trail. The unevenness of it feels foreign beneath my feet. The two big white dogs are barking at me as I make my way back. Spotting blackberry vines and mustard and tall grasses—the sheep should be coming soon.

9. But, really, we’re running out of time.

10. Is this about him, or is it about me and what I think his behaviors reflect about me?

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eighteen

1. So cold.

2. I hear the sound of the garbage truck coming around the corner and pray they remembered to take the trash out.

3. I throw my robe over my t-shirt and shorts, and we drive off in the dark. I admire his work ethic. Effort over everything.

4. He tells us stories of what he’s built, the waterfall that used to trickle down the hillside before he covered it, the landscape designer from Florida who called them “old men” unaware that the dirt they were digging was not the same soft soil, how much has changed in the 30-something years he’s been there.

5. A fox. Camouflage. Fox medicine involves adaptability, cunning, observation, integration, and swiftness of thought and action… Use your cunning nature in a positive way; keep silent about who and what and why you are observing.

6. Foodtruck Ramen.

7. Feeling like I need a nap but forcing myself to stay awake instead.

8. Achy knees.

9. Instapot chili.

10. An extra Lego set accidentally ordered as a stocking stuffer while waiting for the big one to get out of my shower. Peace and quiet.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Seventeen

1. Sunrise at 6:38 a.m.

2. I read the headline of the article and begin to put the pieces together. This is what they were talking about. I jump to the worst-case scenario: what would be required in order to survive another round?

3. Knowing when someone just needs to be heard.

4. I think they are keeping the lights low for me.

5. I knew I shouldn’t have filled out that form online.

6. “Enthusiasm is common. Endurance is rare.” ― Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

7. The problem with audiobooks is not having the ability to go back and reference all the dog-eared pages, the underlined sentences, the starred quotes. It’s that part of reading and learning that I enjoy.

8. I remember to bring my long puffer because once the sun goes down, it will be cold.

9. What are the promises I keep breaking with myself? What are the promises I have kept?

10. Simmer in gratitude.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fourteen

1. The joy of knowing you get to sleep in.

2. Morning coffee over Zoom with a Day 1.

3. I wonder what it must feel like to be able to yawn without fear that your jaw will unhinge itself.

4. When the same thoughts resurface over and over again, then you know there is a message you should be listening to.

5. #11

6. Sauvignon Blanc and sunshine. Citrus salad. Polenta bites. Chocolate chip and macadamia nut cookies.

7. Thinking about the deadline. There’s still tomorrow.

8. Cravings.

9. I tell her that I think by the fifth day of the week, everything just catches up with me.

10. Yep. Still miss it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirteen

1. These old knees.

2. More basketball? Yes, please.

3. I laugh at the text, but really, I’m relieved.

4. Oh boy. That due date is Monday.

5. Cool morning air blowing against the skin while we come around the curve. I see old friends and familiar faces. We walk and talk and look at the birds and the sheep and the trees. Me and Work Dad.

6. I thought I wanted to warm weather until i started to feel the sweat dripping down the back of my neck.

7. Counting and recounting and being pleasantly surprised that considering how many people said they lost something, we actually are only missing five items.

8. I got a hug, and that is something that I won’t forget.

9. Sliders, sweet potato fries, pretzel bites, and strawberry shortcake, all while watching a softball game at 75 degrees.

10. Once the sun goes down…

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Twelve

1. When you accidentally sleep longer than you meant to, which means everything is off track for the day.

2. This call at 3 a.m. must surely be an accident.

3. I face the large windows to watch the sun illuminate the trees.

4. Breakfast burritos, breakfast sandwiches, coffee, pressed juices, and Black Eyed Peas on repeat.

5. I can see it.

6. She starts to tell a story, and the lights flicker, and then the lights go out. We sit there in the darkness for several moments. My eyes start to water.

7. Add a little bit more to the list.

8. Obey your hungers.

9. Crab cakes, risotto, creamed spinach. Talks about who’s going to take down the tree. Thinking about how tomorrow is going to be different.

10. “I asked a ton of questions.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Eleven

1. Sweaty ride to his shoot-around.

2. Of course, she’s there. I should have just gone in anyway and would have avoided this—an honest mistake.

3. All this light in my face.

4. Pinterest collages.

5. Because it’s a Wednesday and it’s sunny, so why not?

6. We all have the same reaction, which means that I’m not being irrational about it.

7. I forgot how cold it gets on nights like these during the early part of the season.

8. I should really brush up on my Spanish.

9. I knew she must have said something.

10. Two chicken thighs per person is just not enough these days.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Ten

1. Even in the dark, I can see that the fog is thick.

2. I’m already hot. I walk over to the thermostat and turn it down two degrees.

3. It goes to voicemail, and then I remember.

4. The email is from the rowing coach and says that they have scholarships available for girls who are at least 5’8, athletic, and strong—no experience needed. Who would have thought that could be an option?

5. I like them.

6. That feeling when people are having a meeting in the conference room, which means you can’t go back in to grab chocolate or salt & vinegar chips or wint-o-green mints.

7. Not getting it.

8. More emails mean it’s almost time to begin again.

9. Bright sun. Warmth. I walk up the hill to the mailbox and think about how soon there will be so much more light. And maybe that means time in the hammock reading a book.

10. I don’t want to like this bread as much as I do.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Nine

1. Reverse lunges and overhead presses. Why does it feel so hot so early in the morning? I should turn down the heat.

2. That darn tree.

3. I put the flowers in a vase and set the vase on the table, which has now become a little shrine. I wonder if I should hang all of my pictures here instead.

4. Why do I keep getting invited to these?

5. Control what you can control.

6. I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today.

7. So much funnier than I was at that age.

8. “Bruh, I would have left a long time ago.”

9. “What does it mean to ‘cobble together?’”

10. “They aren’t medical emergencies, but they are medical things that occupy my mind.”