Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. A little bit of rain.

2. The coffee is calling to me. Half hot oat milk and half coffee. That will be okay, won’t it?

3. Red and white sweater. Lucky sweater? First game for the younger girls. Can. not. wait.

4. She’s real, and that’s what I like about her. An hour well spent before heading into the office.

5. At least she makes me laugh.

6. I never expected to see that email.

7. Need to make our layups.

8. I change out of my sweaty basketball clothes and back into my work clothes before walking into the gym to sit beside her on the bench. I scan the bleachers and count pairs of parents, people who look like they might be related. I think I see more than I’ve ever seen.

9. 9-0 at the half. A win. Their first win. A great way to start the season.

10. He meet him the hallway. He’s still dressed in his whites. I look up at him and say, “You had a pretty great day today. Drove a car for the first time and played in your first Varsity game. Not a bad day at all.” A little chuckle and a smile. Kinda all I hope for these days - a smile.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. 4:08 a.m.

2. That was not a good sleep.

3. Maybe if I write about it, I will feel better.

4. I write about it. I feel better. The light filtering through the morning fog gives the room a soft glow.

5. Avoiding the real work by making homemade tomato soup and croutons. Getting that done will help me write better, right?

6. Sales calls.

7. I tell her the contents of the last 16 hours of my days, and she is aligned. So grateful that we get each other. What would I do without her?

8. Always the same.

9. He asks me if it’s homemade. I tell him it is. “Why,” I ask. “It tastes really good.” And that one comment is why the procrastination was worth it.

10. Two days.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Tea, crisp morning air, the quiet.

2. A long walk with one of my favorite humans and their four-legged friend. The bright yellow leaves and the firm ground. A bright blue sky and streaky clouds.

3. He almost seems nervous that we’re here. He doesn’t know what to say.

4. What I really want to do is go to sleep, but I don’t think that’s the right thing to do.

5. I think he’s getting taller.

6. Just want to keep it positive.

7. That is not how I thought it was going to go. But I believe that we will make it work. I believe it’s going to be okay. Do I have any choice?

8. Did I take that blood pressure medication?

9. Reset.

10. Tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Practice day.

2. I don’t recognize who is he at first and then remember that he and I had a long chat one morning, last Saturday morning, waiting for the grocery store to open.

3. “Everyone is on time!”

4. I feel the focus. They are being the people they said they wanted to be.

5. She tells me it’s 9:30 and she has to go to work. I wrote a plan for two hours, not ninety minutes. Two hours is never enough.

6. Four days.

7. So. Freaking. Tired.

8. I bring all the things upstairs with me to bed even though I know I’m just going to fall asleep.

9. When he’s looking me in the eye, that’s when I know he’s listening, when what I’m saying is resonating. “You are the leaders now. This year wasn’t the only year. Next year could be the year, too, if that’s what you decide you want.”

10. Callings.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. I really need to sleep more.

2. Morning light. She reminds me that the Halloween candy is on sale; I should buy that instead.

3. I begin my setup: a table for the bagels and fruit and stickers. Large sheets of paper posted to the wall for the post-its. Pens and index cards. Team retreat day.

4. We read each others’ reasons for being here, our expectations of one another, our goals. The good news is that we are all here for the same reasons. We all want the same things. And if that is true, then we are halfway there.

5. They want more.

6. I pull the sheets of paper from the wall. I realize I am spending too much of my life not doing the right thing. This feels like the most right thing. I think this is my most right thing.

7. We stop in the olive grove and he asks me what I think. I don’t know what I think, but I know what I feel. I feel like I’m in some holy space, a magical place. I feel like I want to bottle up this feeling and have it forever.

8. I don’t want to make this call.

9. Clean bathrooms. Clean floors. Trader Joe’s frozen samosas. Not enough water.

10. Not how we imagined it would end.