Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. A few extra minutes.

2. A thin white string of fog woven between the trees.

3. The sense of peace brought on by the rain and the darkness. For every up, a down. For every down, an up.

4. Clean.

5. I manage to get dinner into the Instapot before I have to leave, which feels like a major feat compared to the last few weeks.

6. I ask him if he’s joking or being serious. I’m just not used to hearing this kind of compliment from a teacher for them.

7. But it doesn’t feel like we’re winning.

8. If we could take the energy of one and combine it with the skill of the other…

9. A double-cheeseburger with grilled onions, add ketchup and mustard. Yes, keep the secret sauce, too.

10. Yes. One day, I’ll sleep again.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. A Wednesday that feels like it should be a Friday.

2. I sit down at the table and start to think about where we were at the end of last season and what we’ve already done. Do they believe me now? I believe it.

3. I take my seat at the back again. I know it’s a bad look, but the seats are just so close—to close.

4. Daydreams of what could be next.

5. Not the kind of numbers you want the day before, but we press on.

6. Picture day. We agree that time goes by so fast. Faster and faster every year.

7. A good story.

8. The sound of rain on the rooftop.

9. He tells me that he’s happy that I’m so excited about cleaning my home and sitting in front of my fireplace.

10. Ready.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. Late start but I manage to get in a good session to steady myself for the day.

2. I don’t think red falls in the parameters of the dress code, but it’s game day so I wear the red blazer anyway.

3. It’s always so cold in this basement. A meeting room without windows is soul-sucking.

4. I think everyone just wanted to eat lunch.

5. Butterflies. The first time I’ve had butterflies so far this season. I take a few deep breaths and drink some water.

6. “I feel a sweep,” I say. “Me too. But I always think I’m going to win,” he says. I turn to look at him. “My husband always says that every night, despite the length of our losing streak, I always said that we could win. You can always win.” “Even when I lose, I win.” I nod my head in agreement—lucky, lucky us.

7. i see that we’re up by 10 points and take a time out to tell everyone to relax, slow the pace down.

8. The last time we beat them was 2012.

9. “And we did it with only seven girls,” I say to her. “It’s the right seven.” I agree.

10. I tell him that I think the secret is the screaming.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. Monday. Monday.

2. Staring longingly at my fireplace.

3. This car locking and unlocking thing is getting to be a bit much.

4. Fingers digging around the candy bowls for

5. Shoulders up by my ears.

6. New records.

7. What happens tomorrow will be a result of what happens today.

8. How is next week the last week of school before break? How is Christmas only two weeks away? I blame the sunshine and 70 degrees.

9. If only he saw in himself what we see in him. And truly believed it.

10. Lean into your strengths.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. I tell him that waking up after a win hits different.

2. Slow Sunday. And I don’t have to make dinner.

3. Mountain Lion. Leadership. “The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.” “It is the understanding that all beings are potential leaders in their own way.” “Balance POWER, INTENTION, STRENGTH, and GRACE.”

   Bear. Introspection. “Regain your authority.” “Reclaim the power of knowing.” “Use your strengths to overcome your weaknesses and know that both are necessary for your evolution. “DREAM YOUR DREAMS and OWN THEM.”

   Coyote. Trickery. “When was the last time you did something just because it was crazy and fun?”

4. Hot, hot fire.

5. Scouting. Setting goals for us the week. I never don’t think we can win.

6. I find the cacao because I am out of the decaf pods and just need something warm. I need my routine.

7. Even he noticed it watching from thousands of miles away. Why isn’t he more aggressive? What is he afraid of?

8. I grab a second plate because the thing about game days is that I have a hard time eating because of my nerves. And three straight days of games means very little for dinner and a very hungry woman.

9. Maybe that kind of anger will fuel him.

10. This is a thing I know I can do well.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. A good sleep-in.

2. Game-day outfit - red-and-white-striped sweater, flare jeans. Final day. A good day.

3. He starts the bacon. I find the box of coffeecake mix. I can’t find my appetite, though.

4. There are more pages than I thought there would be.

5. The best seat in the house is the scorer’s table. The most stressful seat in the house is…the scorer’s table.

6. In my notes, the word “scream.”

7. Better.

8. 2nd place. 2-1 for this tournament. One down, one more to go.

9. I show her a picture of a painting of Louis XIV because when I meant he didn’t look like he’s from this century, this is what I meant.

10. Exhausted in the best way possible.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. Why did I pick this one?

2. The sky is a weird color: blue and pink and orange. Like a fire sky.

3. He asks me if I felt the earthquake. No, but I never do. Then I hear the alerts for tsunami warnings. Seven-point-somethings are not small at all.

4. Hanger steak and french fries and a glass of wine for game-day lunch.

5. It feels like this is more complicated than it needs to be.

6. I know why she’s calling.

7. “…. We are ourselves good fortune.”

8. Exactly what we needed. Maybe we found the right words to unlock it.

9. Snapped the streak. Finally.

10. Back at it tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. One more day.

2. Body weight only.

3. There’s only one slice left, so why not?

4. Knowing it won’t work, but trying anyway.

5. Distracted by the hummingbird feeding on the flower. How cool is it to see, in December, a flower in bloom and a hummingbird flitting about in the sunshine?

6. Giving oneself permission to let it run its course.

7. The right kind of soreness.

8. I tell him that sometimes all you can do is laugh. Because, after all, they’re here to have a good time.

9. It’s not the work, it’s the people.

10. It’s always about the people.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Just one log.

2. A Tuesday that feels like a Wednesday.

3. To be called disingenuous.

4. Both. And. Compassionate but with boundaries.

5. Not enough time to sit and doodle and think. But in two more days.

6. I should have taken a walk today.

7. Change is change, and in this moment, it’s too early to know whether it’s good or bad.

8. Cold legs.

9. Tomato soup and grilled cheese.

10. Second-to-last slice of pecan pie. A few minutes of a baking show. A quick write-up for the paper. Trying to hold the vision.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifty

1. I will regret this lifting later today.

2. Only enough time for one log on the fire.

3. One more cup of decaf.

4. I remember that I can just take a walk. Perfect in the sun but a little chilly in the shade. I kick up the yellow and brown leaves as I walk past workers sitting beside their trucks.

5. Stop eating salad while standing up.

6. Have fun. At the end of the day, there has to be a little bit of fun.

7. So close. So close. Is there such a thing as a good loss? Yes.

8. Can never eat dinner after a game no matter how hungry I am.

9. I run my shoulder into the doorframe and feel those lifts that I knew I would regret.

10. Pie?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. Almost slept too long.

2. Tender sides and quads and back.

3. Not sure how anyone could be pumped up with this kind of music playing.

4. Sun out. I lean back in my seat and close my eyes while eating the rest of the warm morning bun.

5. But are we all on the same page here?

6. Finally got my fire.

7. Craving another slice of pecan pie.

8. Mother Nature. Patience. Cleansing.

9. One of my favorite hours of the week.

10. “The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is that you want. This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.” - Women Who Rung With the Wolves

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. The downside of the heat being on is that the morning workouts are much sweatier.

2. Coming around the curve, I see a layer of frost on everything.

3. One by one.

4. He’s right. Don’t say anything today; save it for another time. Now is not the time to squeeze.

5. Second shower of the morning. A meditation.

6. I had forgotten that she was sending me something. The note says something about a creature. I tell my husband that I hope it isn’t something that was at some time alive. Inside the paper is a metal snail. A snail. A snail! The most perfect tiny talisman at the the perfect time.

7. Feeling like focaccia.

8. He’s right. I wouldn’t quit.

9. I already know that I need one more day.

10. “Now is not the time to lose faith.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Waiting for sunrise.

2. Patiently, not-so-patiently waiting to get a Christmas tree.

3. Still without my morning fire.

4. Noble Fir, only. 8-9 feet. None of those are here, of course.

5. Hard not to when you’re right there.

6. A large tree tied precariously to the roof of the car. You can hear the strain on the green twine. Visions of it spearing the car behind us on the trail.

7. Only color lights.

8. Finally, my fire.

9. The days feel like they are going by too quickly.

10. When the resistance is this strong, something must change.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Six

1. A lighter workout to get the blood moving.

2. Dinner rolls, sweet potatoes, and Brussels sprouts are on my list for today.

3. So hard to move away from the fire.

4. Pub cheese.

5. The upside of a quiet, solitary holiday is moving at your own pace, taking a nap in front of the hearth, no one to worry about entertaining.

6. Bright, clear sky and golden sun. A nice break from last week’s rain.

7. “What does it need to hear from you? What message(s) does it want to amplify for you?”

8. Deviled eggs.

9. Should have made mac ‘n’ cheese.

10. A slice of pecan pie before bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Five

1. Slow it down.

2. Sunrise meditation. Trying to ignore the sound of the coffee grinder.

3. Gratitudes for a day that feels like Friday when it’s only Wednesday.

4. Look at the extra time as if it is a gift.

5. We both agree that we miss the people the most.

6. Eat every bite.

7. Feet and fire and sparkling water. Thinking about the free time I’ll soon enjoy.

8. Relief.

9. He asks me what I want the kids to do tomorrow because soon, no one will be here anymore. That I’ll finally get to have my tiny tree.

10. Dream with your eyes open.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Dreams about dropped cakes.

2. No more ice cream for me.

3. “Last round, best round.” Stretches and then a meditation of affirmations.

4. I tell him that I lost my cool just a bit. “I said, ‘I don’t come here to lose.’ I don’t want them to lose.”

5. Yes, of course, I’m here on time.

6. Still not entirely comfortable.

7. Leaves falling from trees like snow falling from the sky. Red and yellow and orange papering the asphalt. Green. Blue sky. And yet I spy clouds resting on the tips of the trees.

8. Time for a fire.

9. Trust your gut.

10. I’d really like to eat a slice of this pecan pie right now. But. Restraint.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Monday. No sounds of rain. I kind of miss it.

2. Big cup of decaf to drink while I wait.

3. Gray light and wet red leaves and pink crocks and black pants. Finding beauty in the things that do not make sense.

4. Be grateful for what is and not what isn’t.

5. She says we should decorate for Christmas the day before Thanksgiving. I do not disagree.

6. Oh, no. I think this meeting might be in person.

7. Tomorrow.

8. She sends a skull and bones emoji. Her humor amuses me.

9. Where to send the anger and the frustration? How do I not hold it in my face? Sleep. Adjust expectations. Have fun anyway.

10. “Learn how to use your words in real time.” - queercosmos

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Sunday. Yoga day.

2. Some things feel easier today because of the harder things I’ve been doing each morning. Ease feels good.

3. Fire. Thick socks. Toast and peanut butter. Coffee.

4. More scouting.

5. Surprised by my lack of need for a nap today.

6. It’s not perfect, but it’s the fact that he tried. He made an effort. He is often trying the hardest.

7. Gonna finally break this losing streak in fantasy.

8. Chili and cornbread season.

9. “One of the most common causes of failure is the habit of quitting when one is taken over by temporary defeat.”

10. 8.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty-One

1. Still curled up.

2. A break in the rain. Blue sky? Everything is wet, looks electrified.

3. Sometimes thirteen is the same as three.

4. Sweet potato and a cup of decaf in front of the fire.

5. …and 90% how I react to it.

6. I know they’ll eat them if they’re made into a crisp.

7. What will they be doing? Looks like loitering to me.

8. Finally found film. I remember how they got us last time, I don’t want it to happen again.

9. Apple crisp with vanilla bean ice cream, caramel sauce, and some crushed pecans.

10. He says that he can’t believe it’s almost December. Neither can I.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Forty

1. More pitter-patter in the dark.

2. Tears and crumbling chocolate structures.

3. I lean back in the seat and close my eyes. What’s done is done. Now, we wait.

4. Water on the roads. Mud and rock sliding onto the thin shoulders that curve along the trail. Branches

5. Parmesan Truffle fries.

6. And another one. And another one. And another one.

7. The group of them with the same look on their face, asking the same question. “They look like they want to riot.” They retreat. We laugh.

8. Hard now, so it can feel easy later.

9. Feet warmed by fire. Leftovers for dinner. Craving bed.

10. There’s still plenty of time.