Ten.Three Hundred & Seven

1. The storms woke me up. So much rain beating against the siding. Thunderstorms in this house sound so different. Just so loud.

2. This gray skies absent of bird chatter. The kids are already awake and downstairs. I thought I made a rule about what time they could be down here. I'm too tired to fight it. 

3. Cleaning day. Trying to find a place for all the things to go. I want to set up an altar, a Fever Dreams altar, but don't know where it could go. A windowsill maybe? Until I can find a low table? 

4. One year and 1 month later this house still feels so empty, so un-lived in, so temporary. Trying to intuit what it and I need. 

5. But I actually do really like a clean home as much I dislike the labor of cleaning it. 

6. I leave really early because I just need to get out and get air. And shoelaces. I always forget to get the things they ask for as they exit the car. But not today. Shoelaces.

7. "I trust myself to feel,l to grow from what I feel, not to run when I sense a feeling coming." - Emergent Strategy

8. Mince garlic, slice mushrooms, trim broccoli, chop chicken. Burn the teriyaki sauce and go back to the store to buy an already-made version that tastes just as good. Wish you had a Riesling instead of Pinot Grigio. 

9. Skills versus Heart. She tells me to figure out what my minimum is for the skills so that I can share more of the Heart. 

10. But I should also just relax a little bit. The softer my grip the more space there is for un-thought-of possibilities.