Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Another cool, foggy morning. I hear him walk out the front door into the dark as I unroll the mat.

2. That limp.

3. Oh, yeah. I can always go for a walk.

4. Today’s Post-it notes:

   1. “Fall in love with the impact.”

   2. “Better is always the goal.”

   3. “Ten-year visions.”

   4. “What do I daydream about more than anything else?”

5. Bright poppies. I want to pull them up from the ground and stick them in a paper cup on my desk.

6. This feels like a trap.

7. All of a sudden I start to see the bathroom stall door open. Twice in two days. What is wrong with me?

8. Ouch.

9. Their advice is the same: Keep it to yourself.

10. I notice how I feel when I start thinking about the future of this thing. Follow the thread.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty

1. Thick fog. Soft chatter from the birds.

2. As soon as I start to sweat, I think about how much time it’s going to take me to do my hair.

3. Ugh.

4. I take my lunch and eat it outside while furiously dragging and dropping, but the sun is out and there’s a gentle breeze. Thank goodness for this dirty old picnic bench.

5. I do a little bit of box breathing before the meeting. This should be a regular practice.

6. We talk about the importance of giving children opportunities to surprise themselves.

7. New uni’s….

8. A little bit of giggling, a little bit of sweating, some high-fives.

9. This is the “why.”

10. Module 6: Leadership and Team Dynamics.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. Time to wake up.

2. So cold for yoga this morning. Should have started that fire.

3. He says no to the stuffed animals, but I manage to find a few tiny chocolate bunnies.

4. Begin the focaccia. Begin the mac and cheese. Make an apple crisp.

5. Hammock and sun. Already wishing for one more day.

6. Better, but also not.

7. What would happen if I just ignored this?

8. Two helpings.

9. “Who do you want to be known as?”

10. Eventually, it will all make sense.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Headaches.

2. Thick fog touching the treetops.

3. I forgot to take the quiz.

4. So cold by the window. Headphones on. Cup after cup of hot tea.

5. He says something about going to Costco. I groan a little.

6. Two for two today. Everyone is making free throws, and that makes all the difference.

7. He stops us and asks us where our team is from. Saint Helena, we say. He searches his mind a bit and then nods his head.

8. When we get out into these suburbs, the first thing he looks for is a Popeye’s.

9. There is no one at Costco at 5 pm on a Saturday. Strawberry-Banana smoothie. Arms loaded with plums, carrots, grapes, green beans, and cinnamon rolls.

10. I don’t even know if we have any eggs or baskets.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Rest day. Headache day.

2. Cold enough for a fire.

3. The big one takes the two of them to school, so the littlest one drags a chair over and eats his croissant in front of the fireplace with me.

4. Even with the gray skies, so much light.

5. Teenagers are funny.

6. Insalata di pollo. But somebody could have chopped the walnuts.

7. So many words.

8. Just the two of us for dinner. I tell her that it’s just important to have a goal, any goal. It doesn’t have to be fixed in concrete. But if you don’t try to go somewhere, you’ll end up nowhere.

9. Nothing has changed.

10. Ghost Adventures.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. No sun.

2. Another lump.

3. Something tells me I should just stay home, but I go anyway.

4. She’s left half the lights off. Just three of us in the quiet. I make a few more cups of decaf for myself and watch my computer update and restart for thirty minutes. I should have just stayed home.

5. Sun breaking through, but the sky is still white with clouds.

6. He gives me a giant pill box for five days of antibiotics. I let out a laugh. I hear a giggle from behind his mask.

7. Clean windows.

8. Back to shivering in the stands. Hopefully, this is the last time.

9. She says that he says this makes him feel more confident.

10. “Your freedom is in your dream.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Just the right amount of chill in the air.

2. Tea and mat. Trying not to stare at the cobwebs on the chandelier.

3. There is still morning dew on the tall grasses and low bushes along the trail. The sky is bright blue. From here, I can still see the fog lifting down valley.

4. Hammock time.

5. Finally, a nice warm night for a baseball game.

6. I listen to him talk about regenerative agriculture, polyculture, and books, and I think about how much he has to look forward to.

7. I understand it now.

8. Smells like hair.

9. Chicken tinga.

10. Tomorrow. Back to regular Mondays.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty

1. Walking until I see the sunrise. Blue-gray sky with splashes of orange and pink pushing through.

2. The greenness of everything.

3. She asks me questions, I give her answers. I ask myself more questions—questions I already know the answer to. “There is no place for me here.” “Really, I just need to commit.” We draft a plan for the next step.

4. Two of everything.

5. I forgot to blur the background so she can see the trees and the tall windows.

6. No time to clean today.

7. Outsider.

8. I remember that this field gets cold, but we just got here and I’m already afraid I didn’t bring enough layers. I can feel the cool breeze curling around my bare ankles. I try to talk myself into being warm.

9. Big white full moon and sepia-toned field lights.

10. She comes back tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. These weights are heavy. My breathing is loud.

2. Deep sigh.

3. Several cups of decaf coffee and probably not enough water.

4. A campus tour is never as good as it could be when it’s cloudy. But still, not a bad place. Lots of trees. A rock-climbing wall.

5. We let the two of them walk ahead, side-by-side. They’re talking. Who knows what it’s about, but it doesn’t really matter.

6. They tell us that our order isn’t ready, and I turn around and say I’m sure it’s not when one car orders 50 nuggets.

7. Who is not saying the thing?

8. It’s always about managing up.

9. He brings it up again, and my feelings about it all resurface once more.

10. Carrot cake and a cup of decaf.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. Pre-dawn gym drop-off.

2. On the way to the bathroom, I notice several courtyards between the buildings. I notice all the windows. I think of how good a thing it is that we’ve connected design with health, and that hospitals can be built with so much natural light.

3. I find my bench in the sun, close my eyes, and lean back.

4. I needed this day.

5. I end the meal with a rhubarb pavlova and decaf coffee.

6. No, I know exactly why.

7. “We look for people who can earn trust, be adaptable, and have a growth mindset.”

8. “Spend the first 100 days building trust.”

9. “Now he’s got to play with two maniacs.”

10. Nothing works without trust—earned and given.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Another day to hit the snooze.

2. Stronger than yesterday.

3. I zoom in with my camera phone to realize that it’s just an orange cat, a tabby, grooming itself in the morning sun.

4. I forgot my bag again…this time, the one with the food.

5. Time is creeping by in this agenda-less meeting. Folding my hands behind my head. Eating cut pineapple because I can’t get more angry. Trying to fix my energy.

6. I remember that I have tomorrow off, and that brings a little bit of peace.

7. I wish I were better at faking it. Or do I?

8. If you can’t laugh, what are you even doing?

9. What does unreasonable hospitality look like in this situation?

10. So many ideas and never enough time.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Better today than yesterday.

2. Alternating hot water with lemon and small cups of decaf while I finish the work.

3. Seeing the possibility of what it could be.

4. Coffee on the deck. No sweater needed. Loud birds. Tall trees. Wishing I could have taken the entire week off to be home with them. Maybe there’s another way to make the most of it.

5. A rebirth.

6. There is something oddly ironic about them having a copy of “Unreasonable Hospitality” on the hostess stand when there is no hostess.

7. Trays full of espresso martinis, and it’s just barely noon.

8. Books and a chair outside in the sun. Thank goodness.

9. The schedule is almost done. It will be here before I know it. But I can’t wait.

10. Make a list, or else you’ll forget.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Up before the alarm.

2. That feeling you get when you curl back up under the sheets and concentrate all your warmth.

3. First, coaching.

4. What is within your control? Right. Those words sound familiar.

5. Then, therapy. “You need a break,” she says. “Can you get out in nature?” “I live in nature.”

6. Two down, two to go.

7. Assume the best intentions anyway.

8. The gift of walking around in a quiet, clean house.

9. Just don’t look in the refrigerator.

10. Maybe next year.

Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two

1. What’s changed?

2. Watching the color of the sky change from deep blue to watery orange and pink and the lush green of the hillsides and the trees.

3. I promise myself that I will get outside during the workday and will not eat my lunch at my desk.

4. Sunlight.

5. Little fires everywhere keeping me from the actual work. And actual work keeping me from being great.

6. Best laid plans.

7. Autonomy.

8. I look down at my ankles and realize they have doubled in size. I think I need to sit more often now.

9. More and more articles about internal tremors of long-haulers. No one seems to understand what I mean by the random full-body vibrations. Shaking on the inside, but steady on the outside.

10. There are three kinds of self-talk: positive, negative, and neutral. “… is often instructional…movements, strategies, or tactics.”

Ten.One Thousand, Six Hundred & Ten

1. Game day.

2. Stiff neck. Thank goodness she’s coming today.

3. Migraine.

4. I let myself take it easy.

5. The sound of the tree chippers in the distance.

6. I never ate.

7. My shoulders are overloaded and I am trying to calm my nerves and I wonder if I will ever get to a point where I am not nervous.

8. These wind turbines make me miss the hills of the east bay.

9. 29-38.

10. We stand in front of the school under a streetlight while we wait for their parents to arrive. A hawk lands on the telephone lines across the street.

Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Nineteen

1. Can’t sleep in too much or we will be late.

2. Sweater over the dress. Bags of bagels and some decaf for breakfast.

3. Windy down here.

4. I haven’t been here in years. I walk around the corner to see if the fountain is still there. It is.

5. Fresh sheets. Nap time.

6. “I believe in ghosts but I think this show is fake. Because why don’t the cameramen get scared?”

7. “But we’re assuming that coach knows where he is going.”

8. This is living in wine country.

9. There are no accidents.

10. So much beauty everywhere.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixty-Two

1. Waiting for the light.

2. Soup for breakfast. A little slice of Italian batard with salted butter. I’m goin to learn how to make baguettes this break. I think.

3. We need a plan.

4. Curled up in the chair watching the fog and the light, finishing the last few pages of “The Awakening.”

5. We work together to rearrange his room so that his monitor doesn’t get glare when he’s gaming. I am jealous of all the light.

6. We lost the Pokemon cards.

7. I feel my anxiety shoot up. I am hot with anxiety and anger. Which is always what happens when I go against my nature.

8. I come to the Zoom for the laughs and because I enjoy getting to know my aunts and uncles as an adult. Next week I’ll start adding to the conversation.

9. Dog, Prairie Dog, Whale, Jaguar, Snake, Lynx, Otter, Beaver, Dragonfly.

10. “Your success going forward rests on you changing the way that you think about and speak to yourself. You’ve come too far to lose your place in your future because of a crippling refusal to change your mind, words. Daughter, be free of fear…”

Ten.One Thousand & Forty-Eight

1. The cooing of pigeons. They are so loud in their nests tucked between solar panels.

2. Gray skies. Rain and wind in today’s forecast. A cleansing is coming.

3. So many little ones in the grass today, I dare not step into the lawn to visit the plants out of fear that I may crush one.

4. Two biscuits. I gotta stop making these if I’m the only one eating them.

5. Location, Flavor, Aroma, Balance, ABV, SRM, IBU.

6. The streets are quieter than I expected after what seemed like a rather boisterous Saturday in the neighborhood. I make notes to self: plant jasmine in the next house—maybe add an arbor of bougainvillea too; get yourself somewhere with a better view; but maybe I just need to belong to myself first.

7. What am I thinking?

8. It looks like rain. I feel a drop of water on my cheek. The clouds are now a milky gray, obscuring the sun. I head back inside. The sun returns. Of course.

9. “And what’s new for me, or at least what I’m seeing differently as a mom is that even living in a place long viewed as a progressive enclave won’t save your family.” - Dani McClain, We Live for the We: The Political Power of Black Motherhood

10. I remember the day I came to that realization. When the real fear of parenting was no longer about whether or not I would pick the right preschool or school district for my child, but whether or not I could truly keep them safe.

11. Coffee table jazz station on Spotify. Red wine in a stemless glass. “Die Wise,” “We Live for the We,” “California Calling.” The sounds of the television creeping in. The night breeze caressing my bare ankles. Too many open tabs.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Seven

1. I stare up at the ceiling.

2. Will their antennae touch? Will one shrink back? Which one will continue on its path?

3. He walks in to let me know that today, I forgot to wake him up at 6am. I tell him that I’m sorry; I got carried away.

4. I add more books to the cart. I just can’t help myself. Also, she is a voracious reader, just like her mother, and without a library, I can’t keep up.

5. I haven’t heard any of his sneezes today.

6. How much of this is true? How much of this is my imagination? How much of this is just the phase of the moon?

7. I pull the rose off the tree with just my hand. A fistful of purple petals. I scatter them on the ground. I am not sure what I planned to do with them. I just felt the need to hold the flower in my hand.

8. The two of us swinging in the hammock. The other two chatting beside us. Sun and shadow.

9. Meeting strangers on the internet.

10. I realize that maybe it’s just birthday anxiety. Perhaps I am more afraid of aging than I thought.

Ten.One Thousand & Thirty-Four

1. Still a headache. I need to work on hydration today. Need to wash her hair today.

2. I get the idea in my head to get a headstart on the work for the week but then I remember I need to guard my time. Don’t slip into the boundarylessness again. Keep pockets of time for self.

3. But what can I do?

4. Wash day for her. I decide we should do it right after breakfast. Way fewer tears than last time.

5. We transplant what needs new containers and plant the starters in proper pots of their own. Well. Now it’s 9:15 am. What else is there to do?

6. The beetle is indeed very large and I can understand why she would sleep so uncomfortably on the sofa instead of in her own room.

7. Margarita and chips and guacamole for lunch. The last class makes us both tear up. Yes, this is what we moved here for.

8. I try to block out the conversation.

9. I crush the garlic in the mortar and pestle and then understand why she prefers the suribachi. I whisk the egg yolk while slowly drizzling in the olive oil. We will dip the potatoes and chicken in it.

10. “The human species is a kind of animal, of course. But we can do something no other animal species has ever had the option to do. We can choose: We can go on building and destroying until we either destroy ourselves or destroy the ability fo our world to sustain us. Or we can make something more of ourselves. We can grow up. We can leave the nest. We can…make homes for ourselves among the stars, and become some combination of what we want to become and whatever our new environments challenge us to become. Our new worlds will remake us as we remake them. And some of the new people who emerge from all this will develop new ways to cope. They’ll have to. That will break the old cycle, even if it’s only to begins a new one, a different one.” - Parable of the Talents, pg 321