Ten.Three Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Gray skies. Window blinds blowing in from the breeze. 

2. He asks me when I'll make a homemade breakfast again. I laugh. I am grateful that he appreciates my efforts in the kitchen. I am annoyed because he sounds spoiled. And because he doesn't understand that right now, with everything going on, this is just what I need to do for a while. 

3. The DMV. It's faster than it used to be but I still wish I hadn't lost that piece of paper that would have let me renew my license online. All kinds of people and faces. Quiet time alone in the car. It's good to get out of the house. 

4. I sit down in the alcove with coffee and my journal and begin to write. I text him and then come back inside. I decide that the best way to use my energy is to act as if they will come to our house next. I make the bed, start putting away, the laundry, put away the dishes.

5. Those same people now want to come see our house. I make the kids go downstairs and sit at the kitchen counter while I clean the bathrooms and he vacuums the bedrooms. We drip sweat up and down the stairs and finally, in the car. 

6. Caramel and chocolate donuts. Sitting in the parking lot. Kids arguing in the backseat. I think of all the times my parents had to do this. I don't ever want to have to do this again. 

7. This week's menu says it should be chicken tacos but I don't feel like tacos. I feel like something more hearty, something that feels more nourishing. Breadcrumbs? Check. Pasta? Check. Can of tomato sauce? Check. I take the basket back to the garden and fill it with heirloom and chocolate sprinkles, sage, rosemary, and thyme. I spot another baby watermelon on the vine. The other one is a deep, dark green. I can't wait to see its red flesh. How will I know it's time to harvest?

8. I walk back across the browning grass and think of that home he showed me on the southeastern edge of Livermore. It's a smaller, older, ranch that sits on 5 acres with views of rolling hills and mountains. I think, maybe I could do that. 

9. Chicken Parmesan was a way better choice. 

10. Tomorrow.