Ten.Four Hundred

1. I get no rest when I sleep. 

2. Creamsicle sunrise. The clouds thin out to let a little bit of orange peek through.

3. I thought it was cooler than it actually is but there’s no dew on the grass and thhe breeze feels warm. It will be hotter than yesterday.  

4. I finish the last few pages of Heart Berries and decide that I didn’t like it and that’s okay. I go back to a wine book and decide that I should probably clean just in case we get a house showing.  

5. But first I start a collection of poetry. I read half of the poems and decide I also don’t like this and I don’t have to finish it and that’s ok. Besides, I should be cleaning anyway.

6. She wants me to make pot stickers but I change my mind and say no. I say that I need to keep the kitchen as clean as possible in case we get a showing. “You think we’ll get a call today?” he asks. “No,” I say, and feel my throat close up a little as I wash the baking sheet.  

7. I am unable to cry. These tears feel like hey would be tears of self-pity and self-pity feels indulgent and silly and impermissible.  

8. Concrete with peanut butter cups. 

9. But I’d still rather distract myself with books and sweat in the alcove.  

10. 7:15-8:15.