The quiet.

I rinse the fruit, put the strawberries and blueberries in different bowls because each kid likes one or the other, not both. Fresh whipped cream lightly sweetened.

I head outside to write my pages first because I know if I don’t write them now, I’ll never get to them. The sun is coming up over my shoulders, filing the paper with bright light.

On hold for 33 minutes and 12 seconds.

One hour. I wonder if she heard the trembling in my voice as I expressed my frustration. This is why she’s making sure she comes back to me with a real response, with a real solution. I won’t fault her for that.

Sometimes I forget where I am until I see the hills come into view and the wide blue sky laid out before me.

Seeing familiar faces.

All of tomorrow will be ruined now because of this tooth that is now an emergency. So much I wanted to get done before we left. So badly not wanting to work while on vacation. There is no escaping it now.

He asks me what the anxiety is really about. It’s about a genuine fear and displeasure of the dentist office; it’s about going to someone new; it’s about the money associated with going to the dentist; it’s about fear of being shamed by the dentist; it’s about the fact that I lose another day of work trying to take care of this and there is so much work that needs to be done; it’s about how much I have to do all of the time; it’s about how much I am always doing and me not being able to figure out how not to do it while also trying to do my best to make a life for myself.

I wish I had just stayed in school and become a doctor.