Ten.Eight Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Slow to get up. So tired.

2. I miss the sunrise at the ranch; how it burned hot orange right before the softer light came.

3. Linen overalls. I should find me 5 more pair of these.

4. The drive in is shorter than usual for a Monday. I remember it’s because the kids are still on break. That must be it.

5. I text him to say that I’m having a hard time at work today. My brain is just moving so slow.

6. The salad is good but nothing like what we ate at the ranch.

7. I type the words and feel my heart flutter and think about deleting them but then remember that this is about saying what I want and what I need and that it’s truth. That this practice will have me feeling guilty/anxious/fearful, but in time I think I’ll mostly just feel empowered.

8. Also, I do really know what I want even though I keep saying that I don’t. From where does the shame and fear of naming what one wants come from? I feel like I’ve been asking myself this question for so many years and I still haven’t figured out the source. But at this point, does the origin of the shame/fear/guilt really matter if I am willing to just start doing and being differently?

9. I actually am happy to be home.

10. Feeling filled with tenderness from the weekend. Trying so hard to hang on to it.