Ten.One Thousand, Four Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. The audacity. I know that this is the coolest part of the day, but how rude of you, whoever you are, running a chainsaw at 5am.

2. The thing or things that live on the roof above the bathroom are extra loud this morning. Maybe it was the chainsaw.

3. But at least I get a few more minutes alone.

4. I open the sliding glass doors to see if the air is just a little cooler. It is, but not by much.

5. Obviously a tourist.

6. Rescinding the invitation.

7. There is potential here, and it feels exciting.

8. Why do the dental techs talk to you as if you are free to have a conversation with them as they dig around in your mouth and scrape your teeth? Also, should we maybe not ask people about pandemic job loss or fires? Let me just look at the big fir tree.

9. I try to look composed. I decide it doesn’t matter. Make-up free with PMS breakout skin and fading eyebrows.

10. I decide to say the number out loud because women don’t talk numbers, and I need to change that for at least myself. And because I really want it, and if I can’t say it out loud, then how am I supposed to get it?

11. I feel that pang of not-enoughness, of lesser-than, of shame. I quickly remind myself that my story is my own, and I have achieved things because of and despite those things.

12. Suddenly it is 10:30pm, and I am up way past my bedtime, yet I find I don’t want to go.

13. Yes. More of this, please.