Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Sixty
Thick fog. Soft chatter from the birds.
As soon as I start to sweat, I think about how much time it’s going to take me to do my hair.
Ugh.
I take my lunch and eat it outside while furiously dragging and dropping, but the sun is out and there’s a gentle breeze. Thank goodness for this dirty old picnic bench.
I do a little bit of box breathing before the meeting. This should be a regular practice.
We talk about the importance of giving children opportunities to surprise themselves.
New uni’s….
A little bit of giggling, a little bit of sweating, some high-fives.
This is the “why.”
Module 6: Leadership and Team Dynamics.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Nine
Time to wake up.
So cold for yoga this morning. Should have started that fire.
He says no to the stuffed animals, but I manage to find a few tiny chocolate bunnies.
Begin the focaccia. Begin the mac and cheese. Make an apple crisp.
Hammock and sun. Already wishing for one more day.
Better, but also not.
What would happen if I just ignored this?
Two helpings.
“Who do you want to be known as?”
Eventually, it will all make sense.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Eight
Headaches.
Thick fog touching the treetops.
I forgot to take the quiz.
So cold by the window. Headphones on. Cup after cup of hot tea.
He says something about going to Costco. I groan a little.
Two for two today. Everyone is making free throws, and that makes all the difference.
He stops us and asks us where our team is from. Saint Helena, we say. He searches his mind a bit and then nods his head.
When we get out into these suburbs, the first thing he looks for is a Popeye’s.
There is no one at Costco at 5 pm on a Saturday. Strawberry-Banana smoothie. Arms loaded with plums, carrots, grapes, green beans, and cinnamon rolls.
I don’t even know if we have any eggs or baskets.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Seven
Rest.
I emerge from the shower much, much later than usual. A warm glow in the living room. Quiet.
“You’re not stuck; you’re misaligned.”
I check off the boxes. I feel like a lily in the ocean. These waters are unfamiliar and unwelcome. Where are my still waters?
Speed cleaning before it’s time to leave for her softball game.
A woman who cuts her hair is a woman who is about to change her life. Or who is experiencing hormonal and stress-related thinning?
Perfect weather for sitting in the stands; moderate temperature, a clear and sunny sky, and a light breeze.
I see him warming up in the bullpen on my way back from the bathroom. He only needs three outs.
Headaches.
Wonton soup before bed.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Six
Orienting toward the window.
“Better is always the goal.”
“Think about the impact.”
And to think I almost wore my white blazer.
I am always eating in meetings. But the meetings are always when I should be eating.
I tell her that I should have gone for a walk, meditated for a minute before this meeting.
“Tuberculosis is crazy.”
She says that now, after 3.5 months, she understands why I use a pencil.
Maybe this part of the trail is not a smart idea on leg day.
Tomato soup and grilled cheese. Never really disappoints.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Five
Rest day. Headache day.
Cold enough for a fire.
The big one takes the two of them to school, so the littlest one drags a chair over and eats his croissant in front of the fireplace with me.
Even with the gray skies, so much light.
Teenagers are funny.
Insalata di pollo. But somebody could have chopped the walnuts.
So many words.
Just the two of us for dinner. I tell her that it’s just important to have a goal, any goal. It doesn’t have to be fixed in concrete. But if you don’t try to go somewhere, you’ll end up nowhere.
Nothing has changed.
Ghost Adventures.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Four
No sun.
Another lump.
Something tells me I should just stay home, but I go anyway.
She’s left half the lights off. Just three of us in the quiet. I make a few more cups of decaf for myself and watch my computer update and restart for thirty minutes. I should have just stayed home.
Sun breaking through, but the sky is still white with clouds.
He gives me a giant pill box for five days of antibiotics. I let out a laugh. I hear a giggle from behind his mask.
Clean windows.
Back to shivering in the stands. Hopefully, this is the last time.
She says that he says this makes him feel more confident.
“Your freedom is in your dream.”
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Three
Morning light.
Water. Lots more water.
Tacos and sun and silence.
“Say ‘Bye tio’.”
Rehearsing my explanation for the next email thread.
Girls just want to have fun.
17 going on 13.
Funny how when the power goes out it’s like a snow day and suddenly, none of the rules apply.
I leave the two of them downstairs with their small TV and makeshift beds on the sofa, then light a few candles and take them upstairs to add a glow to the bathroom.
He thinks of it as a way of holding him.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-Two
Just the right amount of chill in the air.
Tea and mat. Trying not to stare at the cobwebs on the chandelier.
There is still morning dew on the tall grasses and low bushes along the trail. The sky is bright blue. From here, I can still see the fog lifting down valley.
Hammock time.
Finally, a nice warm night for a baseball game.
I listen to him talk about regenerative agriculture, polyculture, and books, and I think about how much he has to look forward to.
I understand it now.
Smells like hair.
Chicken tinga.
Tomorrow. Back to regular Mondays.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty-One
She comes back today.
I take my coffee outside, feel the cool morning air. All the colors are bright.
Typing out quiz answers while we drive to the airport.
I see an old four-square tucked behind large oaks, far off in the distance. A few cows dot the hills. I wonder what family homesteaded this part of the valley, and at what point that family saw the highway cut through their sprawling ranch.
“Allez,” she says to her small children as they exit the elevator. I wonder how five people fit all of their clothes into that one suitcase—though I’ve done it before.
Sweating while stuffing the cushions back into their cases.
Yeah, that’s never happening.
So much sun.
Maybe this could become my new napping space.
Back together again.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Fifty
Walking until I see the sunrise. Blue-gray sky with splashes of orange and pink pushing through.
The greenness of everything.
She asks me questions, I give her answers. I ask myself more questions—questions I already know the answer to. “There is no place for me here.” “Really, I just need to commit.” We draft a plan for the next step.
Two of everything.
I forgot to blur the background so she can see the trees and the tall windows.
No time to clean today.
Outsider.
I remember that this field gets cold, but we just got here and I’m already afraid I didn’t bring enough layers. I can feel the cool breeze curling around my bare ankles. I try to talk myself into being warm.
Big white full moon and sepia-toned field lights.
She comes back tomorrow.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Nine
These weights are heavy. My breathing is loud.
Deep sigh.
Several cups of decaf coffee and probably not enough water.
A campus tour is never as good as it could be when it’s cloudy. But still, not a bad place. Lots of trees. A rock-climbing wall.
We let the two of them walk ahead, side-by-side. They’re talking. Who knows what it’s about, but it doesn’t really matter.
They tell us that our order isn’t ready, and I turn around and say I’m sure it’s not when one car orders 50 nuggets.
Who is not saying the thing?
It’s always about managing up.
He brings it up again, and my feelings about it all resurface once more.
Carrot cake and a cup of decaf.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Eight
Pre-dawn gym drop-off.
On the way to the bathroom, I notice several courtyards between the buildings. I notice all the windows. I think of how good a thing it is that we’ve connected design with health, and that hospitals can be built with so much natural light.
I find my bench in the sun, close my eyes, and lean back.
I needed this day.
I end the meal with a rhubarb pavlova and decaf coffee.
No, I know exactly why.
“We look for people who can earn trust, be adaptable, and have a growth mindset.”
“Spend the first 100 days building trust.”
“Now he’s got to play with two maniacs.”
Nothing works without trust—earned and given.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Seven
Another day to hit the snooze.
Stronger than yesterday.
I zoom in with my camera phone to realize that it’s just an orange cat, a tabby, grooming itself in the morning sun.
I forgot my bag again…this time, the one with the food.
Time is creeping by in this agenda-less meeting. Folding my hands behind my head. Eating cut pineapple because I can’t get more angry. Trying to fix my energy.
I remember that I have tomorrow off, and that brings a little bit of peace.
I wish I were better at faking it. Or do I?
If you can’t laugh, what are you even doing?
What does unreasonable hospitality look like in this situation?
So many ideas and never enough time.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Five
Steely Dan and windy roads.
Looking up, all I see is sunlight and cobwebs and dirty windows.
But the whole point of this is to breathe.
But a blowout? I didn’t think it would be a blowout.
Man, I miss basketball.
Writing morning pages in the afternoon. Wrapped in sunshine. Hummingbird fluttering in front of my face. Butterfly floating by the trees.
Pray for peace and ease. Insight and courage and discipline. Trust and surrender.
Too much seaweed.
Well. When you don’t practice for a week…
Burnt in the center, but just enough around the edges of the pan for the three of us to make a meal.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Four
Better today than yesterday.
Alternating hot water with lemon and small cups of decaf while I finish the work.
Seeing the possibility of what it could be.
Coffee on the deck. No sweater needed. Loud birds. Tall trees. Wishing I could have taken the entire week off to be home with them. Maybe there’s another way to make the most of it.
A rebirth.
There is something oddly ironic about them having a copy of “Unreasonable Hospitality” on the hostess stand when there is no hostess.
Trays full of espresso martinis, and it’s just barely noon.
Books and a chair outside in the sun. Thank goodness.
The schedule is almost done. It will be here before I know it. But I can’t wait.
Make a list, or else you’ll forget.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Three
Up before the alarm.
That feeling you get when you curl back up under the sheets and concentrate all your warmth.
First, coaching.
What is within your control? Right. Those words sound familiar.
Then, therapy. “You need a break,” she says. “Can you get out in nature?” “I live in nature.”
Two down, two to go.
Assume the best intentions anyway.
The gift of walking around in a quiet, clean house.
Just don’t look in the refrigerator.
Maybe next year.
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-Two
What’s changed?
Watching the color of the sky change from deep blue to watery orange and pink and the lush green of the hillsides and the trees.
I promise myself that I will get outside during the workday and will not eat my lunch at my desk.
Sunlight.
Little fires everywhere keeping me from the actual work. And actual work keeping me from being great.
Best laid plans.
Autonomy.
I look down at my ankles and realize they have doubled in size. I think I need to sit more often now.
More and more articles about internal tremors of long-haulers. No one seems to understand what I mean by the random full-body vibrations. Shaking on the inside, but steady on the outside.
There are three kinds of self-talk: positive, negative, and neutral. “… is often instructional…movements, strategies, or tactics.”
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty-One
4:45 a.m.
That whirring sound. Must be vineyard fans blowing. It’s that time of year again.
The day feels so spacious with only one drop off and all the sun spilling into the room.
The day is full of sidequests.
The usual. Chicken Tikka Masala — mild.
It does feel way longer than a year.
A squirrel sitting on its hind legs, nibbling on something, while staring out at the street.
Do fewer things.
What’s in a name?
Is it true?
Ten.Two Thousand, Four Hundred & Forty
Everything is so wet.
The sound of water gushing from beneath the sink.
I really don’t like April Fool’s.
Belly-shirt guy.
“Intention means every decision, from the most obviously significant to the seemingly mundane, matters.” - Will Guidar, Unreasonable Hospitality
Trying not to care is almost impossible.
Assuming a lot of things these days, and it’s leading to a lot of confusion.
Moving the Post-its from the purse to the downstairs desk to the upstairs desk.
In the video, he (Adam Grant) says that a contribution journal is more effective than a gratitude journal. A gratitude journal is a reflection of what’s been given to you; when you think about what you’ve given to others, it’s a more motivating and more rewarding feeling.
In the end, I decide to stay home, skip the cold, wet game, and eat popcorn while I do homework.
87 days.