Ten.Two Thousand & Fifteen

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. It was a hunch that turned out to be correct.

3. I tell her about how he vaped at the table and how he and his wife fed each other at the table. How weird is that? How weird!

4. Do I even need to keep sending this?

5. Two bags are not better than one. I am not lightening the load, I am just redistributing it in the most uncomfortable way.

6. What to do?

7. A little relieved that I don’t have to leave this office. I like the seclusion.

8. I tell her that my anxiety is always so high right before these meetings. It’s because you never know what is going to happen. You never know what you will encounter. And yet, they can also be so predictable. But still.

9. This is going to be trouble.

10. But it’s over. It’s finally over. We hug. “We made it,” we say in the parking lot. We made it.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fourteen

1. Horrible nightmares. 3:30 a.m. wake-up. Why do so many of my nightmares take place at Wake Forest?

2. But if I make the eggs, no one will eat them.

3. Are we there yet? Yet?!

4. This whole seating situation is ironic to me. Funny, even.

5. Double cheeseburger, lettuce wrap; add grilled onions, ketchup, mustard - yes, keep the secret spread - fries and a vanilla milkshake.

6. How it starts is how it finishes.

7. I tell her I just want to lay on the floor. She tells me that it’s okay. That these are the kinds of things that happen when you’re doing too much and you’re tired. These little mistakes will happen.

8. “You look tense,” he says. I am. I have been.

9. What will I do when these people are gone?

10. I made it.

Ten.Two Thousand & Thirteen

1. When I don’t feel like yoga-ing is when I know I need to yoga.

2. Quiet foggy morning in the trees.

3. Colors today. Green and blue and purple.

4. I want to stop and take a picture of the big white roses and the way the light and shadow play on the sidewalk.

5. Our eyes meet, and I decide that I must sit with her. It’s her hair, it’s her eyes.

6. I tell her that before I decided to come, I asked myself why I was still seeking outside confirmation and validation.

7. I buy the tumbler with my zodiac sign on it, a small bowl with an hourglass to remind me of the divine timing of life, and a small dish with a moon and clouds to remind me to dream.

8. A few minutes alone under the trees with a book, trying

9. Always so much cooler in the shade.

10. Proud of them.

Ten.Two Thousand & Twelve

1. Let’s make it an easy day.

2. I pull on the sweater and feel its softness against the skin.

3. This at 6:30 in the morning is too much. Too much.

4. I watch the hours creep by. I should have been gone by now, but there is still more to do.

5. The sunlight on the rhododendron and the way the thin purple leaves seem to glow.

6. Crunch, crunch, crunch. The sound of gravel underneath the foot. The sound of gravel underneath a truck tire. The sound of gravel underneath the wheels of the golf cart.

7. Everyone else knows about him now. At least I, too, know when things will supposedly change.

8. She looks me in the eye. “One by one, like dominoes,” I say before I walk back to the car.

9. “This New Moon in Taurus, make it your mission to mingle through the art collectives, salons, and covens that most inspire you.” - May 19th, Chani horoscope

10. I will feel regret tomorrow for drinking this milkshake. But for now, pleasure.

Ten.Two Thousand & Eleven

1. In the dream I was doing psychedelic breath but I am waking up because I feel like I’m doing it in my sleep.

2. Keep it light.

3. There are only six more pages left. I have to be economical with my words.

4. I remember to have my free hand to guide me up the stairs.

5. I tell her she can be both/and. Good things can make us sad.

6. I feel like I’m in a fog. Thank goodness she is here because I can tell I’m disconnected. Off my game. It’s getting hotter.

7. I tell her I need to get off the phone. Nausea. Maybe it’s because it’s 2:15 in the afternoon, and I haven’t eaten all day. I try not to throw up while I warm up the day’s lunch.

8. He tells me to keep doing what I’m doing. I just say “thank you,” but on the inside, I’m asking, “How? How? How do I make this thing that I do that everyone says is so important be the only thing I do? Can someone help me figure it out? And fast! I’m slowly dying over here.” But I keep just saying, “Thank you.”

9. WTF.

10. 41 days.

11. The way the dusty dusky golden light of the setting sun pokes through as we approach the underpass. Oh, it’s so beautiful. It’s all so beautiful.

12. “It was whatever.”

Ten.Two Thousand & Ten

1. Morning light. Thank goodness for this morning light.

2. How can I dress for two completely different needs at once?

3. He reminds me to have one free hand for the stairs.

4. Planned power outage on the day of the breakfast. Of course. Because this is just how it is going.

5. Things I can’t control.

6. Cool breeze on the mountaintop. Salad and chicken and beans. Wine in the dappled light. Of course, there are these moments that make you forget about everything else, and you have to be grateful for that.

7. Snap back to attention.

8. I can’t stop sweating.

9. He asks me how I’m doing. I let out a sigh and sink a bit. He mimics me. “What do you mean by this?” This is not the place or time or person to explain all that is contained within a sigh.

10. Even if I’m not credited in the magazine, at least I know I did it. I know I can do it again.

Ten.Two Thousand & Nine

1. I better polish my boots.

2. It takes me five minutes to find the start button on this car. I spend another five minutes trying to figure out how to change the radio station. When you buy one of these things, I bet they have someone do a tutorial with you.

3. I am trying to be less nervous than I am.

4. Wait. What are we tasting

5. But really, this is one of the best views in the valley.

6. Almost made it through the whole thing without giving it away.

7. I am pulling into the lot of the baseball field as she’s pulling out. She asks me how my day was. I shake my head. She offers wine and cheese and bread in the outfield. I give her a thumbs up.

8. It’s hot.

9. The three of us sit on the tops of the picnic tables drinking Lorenza from plastic cups and eating olives and salami and strawberries and rye crackers that we all agree are best with the cheese.

10. “For the next year, unrushed pleasure is paramount for you. Savor the way the sun warms your face. Take your morning tea or coffee with a newspaper rather than your work inbox. Pick yourself roses.”

Ten.Two Thousand & Eight

1. Missed alarm.

2. He bargains for a few more minutes.

3. Shorts because it’s a work-from-home day, and I plan on sitting outside somewhere at some point.

4. I tell her she is my scheduled fun for the day. We catch up quickly on life and then talk about scents and smells, and then reminisce about Fever Dreams. Something is coming, it may not be exactly that, but it’s coming.

5. Salad and a berry freeze. I stretch my legs out on the bench in the sun.

6. “I love living in California.”

7. Are these the problems I want to be solving?

8. I try to work from the gym, but the hotspot is so slow. So slow. And so I take it as a sign to just stop working.

9. They say that between them, they shot 1400 shots. High-percentage shooting, they say. It’s always easy when there’s no defense.

10. Last home game of the softball season. Just one more to go on Thursday. It’s been a long season.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seven

1. Morning light slipping through the slats.

2. I decide no brunch. I don’t want to be out with the crowds. I peopled a lot last week; I just need a break.

3. I blow the leaves off the deck and bring the cushions down from the garage. It’s that time of year again.

4. I’m just wasting time watching the trees dance in the wind.

5. I want this for her as much as she wants it for herself. It’s her “bold move.”

6. Lemonade and a salad. Nine reasons they love me. Feeling lucky.

7. Work.

8. Surf and turf and a bottle of 2011 Beringer Private Reserve Dad brought with him last year.

9. Somes the truth hurts.

10. Wanting what’s next.

Ten.Two Thousand & Six

1. Do I, or don’t I?

2. What would future me thank the present me for?

3. I open up the windows and look out into the thick fog.

4. I can tell when he is in a good mood. I like him when he is in a good mood. I like him always, but I really like him when he’s smiling.

5. This music.

6. I am trying to keep my eyes on the road, but they keep looking out at the flat blue sky and the hillsides and the vines.

7. I tell him that believe it or not, it could be worse.

8. I tell him that I think people were staring at me, but that was the point of the shirt - to get attention. “Watch more women’s basketball.”

9. I ask myself why I keep thinking about the demise of this relationship. It’s because I am grieving its potential. It’s because I am sad that we couldn’t make it to another conversation. And then I wonder if we’re really throwing away something that could have been great because no one is willing to talk about their hurt feelings or the misunderstanding. If that is the case, then maybe there wasn’t a foundation for real friendship after all.

10. Juicy.

Ten.Two Thousand & Four

1. Finally Thursday.

2. What do I need? Patience and positivity.

3. I send them the song because

4. Chocolate and a white skirt. Didn’t even make it to 9am.

5. I like these walks. The petals of the Dogwoods are starting to wilt. What are these purple flowers? I’m almost certain I’ve seen them floating on the white water. I should have worn different shoes.

6. This isn’t going to work. I can just feel it. How it starts is how it ends.

7. But it is so beautiful, and the weather is so perfect, and there are these really wonderful moments in the midst of it all. I look to see if the prism is casting rainbows on the wall.

8. I ask her if the woman is still downstairs. I don’t want to put my shoes back on.

9. He starts to read the questions, and I am laughing, and she is laughing, and I am glad that we are both here together.

10. I reread the affirmations I wrote on the pages. I am so grateful now that I trust my inner knowing and that when I honor my truth and take action, I make miracles.

Ten.Two Thousand & Three

1. I ask myself what I need today. Patience and positivity, I say to myself.

2. I am writing this sentence and the matrix wants to tell me that I can now have AI assist me with writing this list.

3. Bright sun.

4. I bring my collection of feathers down to my desk in front of the window.

5. I tell him that he has so much more life left, so many more opportunities to ride shotgun. As soon as I finish the sentence, I realize that that’s not true. Nothing is guaranteed.

6. He tells me he left a gift for me on my desk. On my desk, inside the bag are freshly laid eggs from his hens. I don’t know if there is a gift I can ever give him that will represent what this relationship has meant to me.

7. They keep talking. 49 days.

8. Seated at the table, underneath the cover of trees, I unwrap the foil and squeeze lime juice over my tacos. I am downloading the meeting when in the distance, I see a person practicing tai chi in an open field. I want to be more like him.

9. More truth.

10. Everything is possible.

Ten.Two Thousand & Two

1. Tuesday.

2. Beyonce stations while I sip on my morning drink and power through emails.

3. Or I could say what I want and need, and maybe, just maybe, I will get it.

4. I say all the things out loud, and it does sound like a lot.

5. Well, of course, I need to come. How could I not?

6. How would I do this if I were on my own? Community.

7. Is it really just radical honesty? Everyone knows that there is nothing to lose.

8. I apologize for not having time to talk with them. I promise I will make time tomorrow. They promise they will come and find me.

9. These are all such juicy dreams.

10. Double. Double. Blue skies and whispy clouds. Mountains. Kids ducking under barbed wire? Buster’s BBQ.

Ten.Two Thousand & One

1. Yes. It’s the right move.

2. Is that the sound of animals scurrying on the roof, or is it rain? It’s rain. Was it supposed to rain?

3. Work from home day. Quiet.

4. Read the energy.

5. This is what I miss - the sense of freedom.

6. I try to call the doctors’ offices during my lunch break, but the offices are also on their lunch breaks which means that I never actually get to schedule my appointments. Also: I’d like to work somewhere where the lunch break is two hours long.

7. I tell them that they don’t have to apologize. They aren’t telling me anything that I haven’t already figured out for myself.

8. Physiological breath.

9. The duality of being.

10. Boots and champagne and trail walking. Someone has left a map on the ground. I trust that I know how to get to where I want to go.

Ten.Two Thousand

1. Going somewhere where I really feel like sweatpants are completely acceptable.

2. I run through various scenarios in my head. I do not apologize in any of them.

3. Hot air balloons.

4. There are still forty-nine minutes to go.

5. Girls’ games on court five. I watch and analyze and cheer more than the parents on the makeshift bleachers.

6. Hungry but not for gym pretzels and muffins.

7. In-n-Out.

8. I open my eyes and see nothing but rows and rows of trees. Almond trees? Green trees in perfect rows and blue skies with puffy clouds and Kendrick Lamar playing quietly.

9. One week or three? He chooses three, naturally.

10. Something has to change.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Almost to 2,000 of these.

2. Cacao in the mug for the ride into the city.

3. I am the first one in the gym. I reread the speaker lineup. This will be good.

4. I realize very quickly that I might be the one with the least amount of experience here. Coach Carr says to always be ready because you never know when it will be your turn to lead a program. I tell her at lunch that two years ago, I was just another mom in town.

5. “Basketball is a game of infinite possibilities.”

6. I duck out early, regrettably.

7. The sun is shining now. I make my way slowly over the Golden Gate Bridge, take a quick glance at Alcatraz sitting out there in the blue ocean, surrounded by white sailboats. We do live in a beautiful place. Such a beautiful place.

8. Margaritas.

9. I tell them that this event is kind of an introvert’s worst nightmare, but it’s still a good time.

10. You do want to win.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Dark and cold.

2. I keep forgetting about the pot of boiling water.

3. We probably shouldn’t know this yet.

4. Letting go of expectations.

5. I keep placing the carnelian in my hand, pressing it close to my palm.

6. Salad and water and honest conversations in the quiet light of my office.

7. Gratitudes.

8. “For centuries, the triangle has symbolized leadership.” “You are an overseer, an expediter, a leader, a person of action.” “Your positive traits: leadership, decisiveness, ambition, focused, results-driven, self-motivated.” “Potential pitfalls: impatience, aggressiveness, self-centeredness.”

9. Baseball in the rain.

10. Convincing myself that tomorrow will be a fun day even if it will be a long day. It will be fun. It will. It will end with margaritas, after all.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. So cold.

2. He says “thank you” a lot more these days.

3. The sun looks like it wants to free itself from the clouds, but will it really do it tomorrow? No. Probably not.

4. It doesn’t hurt to try.

5. Since the universe is listening, yes, more of this, please.

6. At least we can laugh about it.

7. She can hear it in my voice, I think. She says she will not say anything. It doesn’t really make me feel better, though.

8. I make my way around the room, cleaning and condensing and stuffing things in my bag to take home. It feels like foreshadowing.

9. The carnelian has arrived. I place it near my notebook.

10. I know. I know. I know.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Still cold. Still wet.

2. Cacao.

3. Solo drop-offs. I had forgotten how much I enjoy these moments in the morning.

4. What really matters?

5. I catch myself rolling my eyes.

6. This is an honest expression of how I felt.

7. “What do you feel entitled to?”

8. Doritos and laughter.

9. I take him on a tour of parts of the property. He hasn’t seen any of this, but he remembers the barrels. Back then, the walls were made of rough rock. His French accent is very thick. He thanks me for taking the time to show him around. So much has changed.

10. “He’s nervous.”

11. If the only thing I get out of this is my friendships, then I still win.

Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Too cold. Too cold.

2. Everything is wet from last night’s rain. This does not feel like May.

3. I could care less about what the comp set is doing. I care more about my real impact. Where can I make the best kind of change?

4. A turkey crosses the road in front of me. I smile.

5. I feel my emotions getting the best of me, so I leave the room and take a moment to myself. I know why this is happening. I don’t like that it is happening.

6. She is the highlight of my day.

7. Why does it feel weird to say that I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time?

8. Everything is canceled.

9. Rose and Orange and Balsam Fir.

10. Gluten-free pasta and garlic bread. They ask me questions. I tell them not to worry about it. Full.