Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Nine

1. I can’t remember the dream anymore, but I know it was good.

2. Thick fog. This is a morning for coffee on the deck.

3. I don’t feel like yoga, which means I really need to do the yoga.

4. I twist my heart toward the sky and watch the hawk fly from tree to tree.

5. I have identified it; now, what do I do with all of it?

6. I feel as though I should be doing something, but I am not. And maybe doing nothing is what I should be doing.

7. I imagine rolling down the gentle golden slopes.

8. It cools down quickly and is, in fact, the perfect temperature for dinner al fresco. Dinner with interesting people and tagine and couscous and cold white wine.

9. The dead bird hanging by its feet is not real but unsettling nonetheless.

10. A small scoop of raspberry sorbet.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Eight

1. In the dream, they apologize. We eat cold steak.

2. In the dream, I stay firm. I don’t give her what she wants, but someone else does.

3. Be careful of being too righteous.

4. The last of the candied nuts.

5. We grab a lunch and sit outside. We should do this more often. It’s good to get a break from the office.

6. There are so many words in this story. I do not have time for a rewrite. She is texting me. I am working as fast as I can. So much pressure.

7. What is with this week?

8. Hot. It will only get hotter.

9. The mess is driving me crazy, but I am too tired to clean. It will have to wait until tomorrow.

10. Thank goodness. Finally, someone who is available.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Seven

1. Almost Friday.

2. Blueberry muffins from a box. The sounds of the coffee machine percolating. This almond milk isn’t quite doing it for me.

3. If nothing else, the relationships.

4. Wines of Sicily.

5. I remind myself that in spite of all everything, there is this: the beauty that surrounds us, the talented people, opportunities to make something out of nothing.

6. But where do we go next?

7. I need to get better at planning these Thursdays.

8. Two road closures in town. We crawl down the trail. I think of what he said about moving further up the hill. “If there’s a fire, there’s only one road.” Thirty minutes to get from home to the high school.

9. We make it just in time. I have no expectations outside of everyone having fun. I think they are.

10. My last stop is the emergency room. His sister hands him his cold Chick-fil-a. I am too tired to think. I respond to their texts to let them know he is okay.

Ten.Two Thousand and Sixty-Six

1. What day is today?

2. I take the blanket and the book outside. If I can just give myself these thirty minutes. I just need these thirty minutes.

3. Both frustrated and yet compassionate. Both unsure and yet certain. Lost, but sometimes all you can do is laugh.

4. Adjusting mindset.

5. We eat and talk about mindset and children and parenting. She apologizes for interrupting our conversation and eavesdropping. “Who are you people?” she asks. Just a group of parents. We’re just a group of parents.

6. Back to the quiet of my office.

7. What would I do without our hour-long conversations?

8. “I do want you to try to make your layups, though.”

9. How do I get to do more of this or only this?

10. Tomorrow will be better. Every day is better than the last.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Five

1. I like this no-alarm thing.

2. Brilliant golden sun so early in the morning. This is a warning of the forthcoming heat.

3. Back to fog and a cool sky before the day truly begins.

4. My Tuesday rides up to the meetings with him are my favorites.

5. I make my way back to the office, taking the approved gravel pathway, hoping that it is still too cool for the rattlesnakes to want to come out and play.

6. “It is the ones who are the most quiet that are the most dangerous.”

7. Another summer almost gone. Another summer with unfulfilled wishes.

8. I jot down the thoughts as they come to me. Everything is jumbled. I am trying to make them make sense. I try to see if they will build me a roadmap.

9. I don’t think I’ve seen him in real clothes since his basketball banquet. A real shirt! Khaki shorts! Shoes that aren’t Crocs! Beautiful child. Beautiful children.

10. This is actually a blessing in disguise. So, how do I channel this energy?

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Four

1. Monday. Feels like the right day for the white dress.

2. I did indeed leave it here.

3. I thought I would have time to read, but not today. Best to just get on with it.

4. I go to the bathroom even though I don’t really need to go to the bathroom because it feels like the most right thing to do at the moment.

5. I know what’s happening here, and I am not surprised.

6. I choose a different door.

7. 1, 2, 1, 2. 1, 2, 5. I should take more boxing lessons. I tell her that it reminds me of Tae Bo with Billy Blanks. She’s too young to remember that.

8. It only happens in the summer: the sunlight and the glittering bugs and the golden tinge of the leaves.

9. He argues that microwave popcorn tastes the same as movie theater popcorn, and I strongly disagree. And he is going to have to come with me and watch Mission Impossible.

10. “Hope is not a strategy.” But. Maybe it is.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Three

1. Up earlier than expected.

2. Ah, her face. I’ve missed her face.

3. Right. We manifested these places.

4. The fog is lifting. The birds are still singing. The olive tree is swaying in the breeze. Ripples in the pond.

5. Mind racing even though I want it to be still.

6. I choose a chicken recipe from Ottolenghi. I crush the garlic and slice the dates, scoop out the capers and olives and mix it all together.

7. I regret not taking that walk.

8. Sunday scaries.

9. But really, it’s not the worst thing.

10. Try again tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Two

1. I head north but am stopped by the electric fence. I turn around and then decide I don’t want to run into anyone from work so I head up a mulched trail that brings me back home and stay on the paved roads of the neighborhood.

2. The way the light comes through the trees.

3. “It’s really remarkable. It’s remarkable to watch because I don’t really know what I’m doing on any level, but I trust in what’s going on in my body and the feelings that come up. And I do my best to be as true to myself as I can be. And that’s all that I’ve ever done and it has led to a very creative life.” - Rick Rubin, On Being

4. Cool mornings and coffee and words.

5. Appreciating the slowness of this Saturday.

6. I spot a small book of poetry that I also have. She is a little kooky, but I like her.

7. Sauvignon blanc and salad and hot wings. The lunch I didn’t know I needed.

8. He’s not that mad about it.

9. This is what summers are made for: friends, tri tip, ribs, potato salad, Spanish rice, wine. I look up at the sky and look at the stars.

10. So past my bed time.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-One

1. Finally Friday.

2. I take my time, stay cozy beneath the weighted blanket.

3. Everyone is sleeping in. A quiet morning for me. Water and a bowl of cherries. Spoiled oat milk.

4. First one in. I make a list of all the things that need to be done. This will not take much time.

5. Writing and rewriting.

6. I walk back to the office. “I just don’t want to have the conversation,” I say. Still alone.

7. Lists and more lists.

8. The weather outside is perfect. There is a gentle breeze. The sky is flat and clear. The trellised magnolias are trying to bloom again. I am alone.

9. This is a lesson in surrender.

10. I don’t think I’ve done enough to be this tired.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty

1. Cool gray skies. The sound of woodpeckers in the distance.

2. I start to wonder if I am doing too much today.

3. Warm cup. Warm hands.

4. “…personal success is when you work your hardest to become your best…”

5. I am late to the meeting because I need to eat. I must eat. It is already noon, and I have not left my desk since 8 a.m. The quinoa salad with cucumbers and tomatoes could have used some feta. I eat only a little bit, but I eat it very quickly.

6. I can hear my frustration building. I don’t think they understand. It is not their fault that they don’t understand. They are doing the best they can with what they know. We are all just doing the best we can with what we know.

7. I have walked by this driveway dozens of times. It is a dream, this place. A dream.

8. “Watch more women’s basketball!” he says as he shakes my hand. “I’m doing that!”

9. I think we might win this one.

10. Tired but worth it. Always.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Nine

1. What day is it?

2. Why am I so tired? I take another sip and put my head down on my desk. Am I even going to make it through the day?

3. Words matter.

4. I keep moving the to-do list from one day to another.

5. Shocker.

6. She wishes me bad luck. I will take it.

7. He asks me why I’m being a “hater.”

8. I stare out the window as she drives us back home. I will never get tired of these glowy evenings or the color of the sky or the trees.

9. Pizza and beer.

10. So quiet. So tired. Tomorrow will be fun.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Eight

1. 3:00 a.m.

2. 6:00 a.m.

3. 61 degrees downstairs. I make the coffee and the bacon and some cinnamon rolls from a can. Everyone is still asleep. The sun is just starting to creep above the horizon.

4. We realize that it’s been two years since we last talked. It feels like a lifetime ago. I think of how my favorite part of going to Squam was spending the night at her house and catching up in real life over coffee and tea.

5. Game 2.

6. The wind blows so strongly that there is no amount of sun that will get me warm. We huddle under the blanket while we watch the game.

7. Haribo cherries.

8. 3-0. 3-3. 4-3. Win. Do it again tomorrow.

9. He’s convinced that the key lime pie is not a key lime pie.

10. Fireworks are always after my bedtime.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Seven

1. 2:42 a.m. I give up. I blame it on the moon.

2. We set a time to connect. She is three hours ahead, so I guess the benefit of this insomnia is that we were able to catch one another in real-time.

3. I remember that I didn’t respond to her text. She sends me pictures of the family. So much can change in five years.

4. I make a plan for what I want to do for the day. I do wonder, though, when I might take a nap.

5. I don’t think I could have done that at her age. I’m proud of her.

6. The doorbell rings. I am trying to put the pieces together. Who is she? Why is she here? Oh! The article. The article.

7. When you see Pax Mahle, and you’re wearing a Pax shirt.

8. I have done none of the things I planned. Zero.

9. I can’t stop sweating. I remember that I have been awake for 16 hours. I know that is why the reason I can’t talk or explain things.

10. Another baseball game tomorrow. Do I want them to win?

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Six

1. Sunday.

2. Grateful for the slowness of time.

3. The only one awake. A bowl full of cherries. The sunlight filters through the trees. I wonder if they are starting to like it here as much as I do.

4. I think of how I can change it moving forward.

5. This is enough for now.

6. Loveski and future planning.

7. I wander the aisles. I am forgetting things, I know it. But it’s been so long since I did the grocery shopping.

8. It’s about the expression.

9. They make my birthday dinner: champagne, grilled rib eye with a salsa verde, smashed potatoes with fried onions, 2019 Quintessa.

10. There is so much for which I am excited.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Five

1. It’s so freaking hot.

2. 3:32 a.m. There’s no way I can go back to sleep now.

3. Yoga day.

4. The hours move too quickly. I can’t quite finish all of the bathrooms before we have to leave. It’s hot.

5. I eat my regular order: a kid’s PB & J from Sunshine. Torres Iberico chips this time. A vintage all-star jersey. A little sweaty. It’s hot.

6. She gets me down from the stands and tells me to look at my child. He looks like he’s about to cry. He’s trying not to make a big deal out of it. Cold and clammy in 90-something degrees. I know they think they need him. I know he shouldn’t play.

7. When you make someone eat, you call it a “force feed.” What do you call it when you force someone to drink?

8. Well, if there was a game to sit out, it’s this one.

9. She sends me the videos of memories her phone made. Us on a plane. Us at the ranch. Us as the winery. It will be us again in September.

10. Tomorrow is another day.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Four

1. Finally Friday.

2. I decide to go in early anyway. I could use the peace and quiet. And I don’t want to think about all the cleaning that needs to be done.

3. SOS mode.

4. Emails and more emails.

5. What exactly is it that I am expecting to happen? What would happen if I just let go of any expectations? But I don’t think I’m asking for too much.

6. All things considered, aren’t I the luckiest?

7. What if we use this time for exploration instead? I eat the pasta and make a list of all things I would do if I could do anything. It makes me smile.

8. I ask them if they’ve caught any rattlesnakes lately. They have not. They seem disappointed about it.

9. It is hot. So hot. So, so hot. I am sweating. I can feel it softening the once-crisp cotton.

10. But then there are evenings like these.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Three

1. No. I must go today.

2. I wore my slippers instead of shoes, so he grabs me the croque monsieur biscuit and a green juice.

3. I need to explore this more. There is something there.

4. Maybe this is one of the reasons I need to stay.

5. We bring some of the flowers back to the office. The color of the roses speaks to me.

6. She is not wrong.

7. La Calenda. Margaritas, fish tacos, chips and salsa and guacamole, ceviche. Phoebe’s eyes. Truth and honesty.

8. The valley at golden hour. The way everything glows. The way the leaves on the vines tremble in the breeze. People on bikes who look like they can’t ride a bike.

9. Team dinner at Gott’s as we roll into All-Star weekend. Wine and tacos and cupcakes on the table. Electrified kids.

10. Grateful for my people.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-Two

1. Today.

2. I start right away on the email to her and then try to edit all of the transcripts quickly. It is taking longer than I thought it would, and I am regretting all of my decisions on process.

3. She calls to ask if we need to reschedule my appointment. What does she mean? I am in the car, halfway there. I had the wrong time. I hang up the phone. I started this whole day wrong.

4. I know what I did wrong: I went straight to work on a day off. I should have started with a list of gratitudes.

5. We manage to make lunch happen: steak frites, tomato soup, a kale salad, lemonade, laughter, and real talk. I tell her she’s turned my day around.

6. But I should really not go to work tomorrow for real, right?

7. I sit and write a list of 38 things for which I am grateful.

8. None of the kids are here for dinner, so we do an impromptu walk and head to Goose and Gander.

9. There is an older black couple at the table behind me, and I can’t keep myself from staring at the woman. Her dreadlocks look fresh, gray hairs sitting just at the base of her scalp. Matte red lip. No eye makeup. Her voice is low and slow. A quiet beauty. A gentle power. I want to know her.

10. It’s not about today. It’s about all of the days I have left.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-One

1. In the dream, I am holding a fork and knife. I look them straight in the eyes, smile, and say, “Thank you for giving me my beautiful children.”

2. Probably not exactly in uniform, but oh well.

3. I always need something to eat in this meeting. I probably shouldn’t be crunching on this apple, but I’ve learned not to ignore my hunger.

4. This is what I was afraid of. I tried to warn them.

5. He asks me when I’m going to take a vacation. I tell him tomorrow. Just going to enjoy being home with my family. I should have taken more than one day.

6. I really do like shrimp.

7. I feel oddly protective about this, and I can’t tell if I’m taking it

8. It is only Tuesday, but it feels like Friday. But it’s only Tuesday.

9. St. Helena wins.

10. The setting sun and the golden hills and thanking them for bringing me to California.

Ten.Two Thousand & Fifty-

1. Monday.

2. Just the two of them, still sleeping while I make the coffee.

3. He is already there when I arrive. I take a look around and see all that is not where it’s supposed to be. And where is a manager? And it’s a good thing that something in me said to wear jeans and sneakers to start the day.

4. Finally, a blue sky.

5. It’s official.

6. “All my friends are leaving.” “What about you?”

7. I settle for an apple and a bag of sour cream and onion chips while I wait. I keep waiting. And I wait some more. There is nothing to be angry about. It just is what it is.

8. Not as many as I would have liked, but it is a solid group. Once I start sweating, I cannot stop.

9. He has gone to the movies again. I hear the rustle of fruit snacks in his pocket. He is glad he had a lot of popcorn because he does not want swordfish for dinner. I rub his head. He looks more and more like his older brother every day.

10. You can do anything you want.