Ten.Two Thousand & Eighty

1. Already.

2. What is the source of the tears?

3. The office is quiet and warm. The fans in the hallway are whirring. Who left these on? My water glass in on the counter. The orchids are beginning to droop.

4. “How was it?” they ask. Every time I think about the last few days, I think of how easy the days were. “I laughed so much. I needed it.”

5. Why is she one of my favorites? Because she’s real. She’s smart. She’s kind. She’s thoughtful. She’s so fucking funny. She’s herself and I love her very much. I should tell her that.

6. I think of the green and the river and how soft my skin felt.

7. Overwhelmed.

8. I’ve said too much. She’s heard too much. I am going to have to shift my language.

9. I inhale the chicken fajitas. It’s not even that good; I am just that hungry.

10. I could use the break.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Nine

1. 4:19 a.m. local time. I can’t sleep.

2. Where are my bags? Do I need to go to baggage claim, then to Clear, then to my actual terminal?

3. Delayed. More time to think.

4. I get up to throw my trash away and see that the entire cup of coffee has fallen to the floor. A man offers me his napkins to help clean up the seat. “I guess I’ll go try this again,” I say.

5. He tries to pay me back for the spilt coffee. “I think it fell when I sat down. I’ve been feeling awful since you left.” I refuse the money, tell him the apology is enough.

6. Finally leaving Texas.

7. Leather vest over a gray t-shirt and a Vietnam Veteran hat. The middle seat between us stays empty. He keeps passing me packets of Biscoff like an old lady digging out peppermints from the bottom of her purse to give to the children in her pew. It’s a sweet and kind of funny gesture. I eat them all.

8. Back to my blue skies and gold hills and oaks. I can’t seem to fall asleep though I feel like I haven’t slept in days.

9. I'm almost cold in the shade. All the smiles on his face.

10. I need one more day.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Eight

1. Last day.

2. I pack, and then I work.

3. Coffee from the Keurig. A bowl of cherries. Water, water, water.

4. She leaves first.

5. I text the group chat to let them know I’ve boarded my first leg. I thank them for including me. I needed every bit of it.

6. I turn on my phone. “You now depart at 12:42 a.m. Click here to book a new flight at no cost.”

7. I ask them if they can give me my bag. They say no. I don’t feel like fighting for it.

8. He’s having trouble closing out his drawer, and I think he’s also feeling bad for me. He pours me a very large glass of sauvignon blanc.

9. I sent it to the wrong address.

10. We’ll try this again tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Seven

1. I am awake but keep my eyes closed. It is still early. I’m not sure I want to be up just yet.

2. Half a cup too many.

3. Tupelo Honey. Decaf, cranberry juice, water, scramble.

4. It was worth the walk. I could watch it forever.

5. I ask him about the Trail of Tears signs. Next time I return, I will find it.

6. I think I’ve hit my limit. I sit on the floor and balance and stretch, listen to them talk.

7. A half-dozen PEI oysters and shrimp cocktail. I want a glass of muscadet, but they only have albariño. A slice of key lime pie to take home.

8. I walk barefoot to the deck. The heat of the ground and the weight of the air feel good against my skin. I want to go home, but I don’t want to go home.

9. The final evening.

10. Hot water. I think about how grateful and lucky I am to have such a wonderful family that makes me laugh, that I will genuinely miss when I return home.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Six

1. Did I ever turn it off?

2. New day.

3. The way my skin feels so soft. Humidity and soft water.

4. Smoked salmon on an everything bagel.

5. Duck boat tour. He talks about the factory boom, their subsequent closings; the death of the economy; the great flood; the polluted grounds (which I know means polluted water); millennials with man buns (which I know means gentrification and a shifting culture).

6. I am the child. I mostly listen.

7. Hogwash rose. Finally, something familiar.

8. Laughing so hard I’m crying.

9. “Unapologetically bougie.”

10. I am the luckiest.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Five

1. Sunrise, sunrise, looks like morning in your eyes.

2. Another one bites the dust.

3. Same time?

4. Vegetable quiche, grits with butter and sugar, decaf.

5. He comes out from behind the wall and says he doesn’t want to go into the bathroom by himself. He says his grandad is working and told him to go by himself. I ask him where his grandad is. He points to the end of the airport at a rental car station. I ask him how badly he needs to go. Really bad, he says. He looks like he is only 4 or 5 years old. I wonder if his grandfather will be mad if he goes into a bathroom with a woman he doesn’t know. But the kid looks a little panicked. I tell him I will take him into the women’s bathroom with me. Just as we start to walk in, I realize there is a family restroom - one single bathroom with a full door that locks. I show it to him. He thanks me. I tell him to lock the door and go straight to his grandpa when he’s done. I feel like I should stay.

6. He calls to tell me about his touchdowns. I can hear the joy in his voice.

7. Back to the lookout. It is clearer than yesterday, and you can really see the curves of the river and the flat tops of the mountains.

8. Fried green tomatoes. No pimento cheese.

9. Two margaritas and four strikes.

10. Tired but happy.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Four

1. If I get up now, I can attack most of the day before they even wake.

2. I decide against holing up in the hotel and see if my uncle is down for breakfast.

3. Skin so soft. Humidity plus soft water.

4. Potato Dish P4.

5. Everything here is so lush and green. Varying shades of green. Thick. Like you could sit on the treetops as if they were clouds.

6. Laughter. So much laughter.

7. I ask him if he’s happy that he moved. It’s an unequivocal yes.

8. I keep sending nervous texts to make sure everyone gets to where they need to be and that he has all of the things.

9. I sit on the bench and stare out at the water. I feel the weight of the humidity on my skin. We try to decide on the itinerary for Saturday. I am adamant that we all do the riverboat cruise.

10. Margarita. Tacos. His favorite place.

11. Bed.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-Two

1. Slow start.

2. Dishes. Cacao with almond milk.

3. Surrender.

4. I start to sweat by the time I am in front of the restaurant. My watch thinks I am working out.

5. Smartly, I get a ride back to the office.

6. “I miss seeing your smiling face here!” I text. I think of her every time I roll through the stop sign.

7. We decide that our next lunch date will be at Oakville Grocery.

8. Up and down and up and down and up and down.

9. Damp carpets. Hopefully, this does the trick.

10. One sleep.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy-One

1. Late.

2. A new moon spread: contrary Hummingbird, Ant, Dragonfly.

3. Two more days.

4. I make a very short list of things I must do today. I remind myself to be grateful for the slowing down of things. This should feel harder. Or maybe, it’s just that now, nothing I’m doing is for the first time, and now everything is just easier.

5. Choices have to be made.

6. No fear of mistakes.

7. Two more days.

8. I decide to be the 6th so we can play 3-on-3. Plus, I need the workout for today.

9. I realize that there isn’t anything more I can do to help besides listening.

10. Can’t sleep.

Ten.Two Thousand & Seventy

1. I take the frothy milk drink outside with my journal and a blanket. I do not need a blanket, but I put it over my legs anyway.

2. A small of red cherries.

3. Pomodoro technique to finish the assignment. One down and one more to go.

4. Nauseated.

5. Light blanked even though it’s 78 degrees in here. I need the weight of something on my body.

6. I take a flashlight and check all the bug traps. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. It’s almost worst than seeing something.

7. Trying not to think about work and only about today and this episode of “Alias Grace.”

8. Wednesday. Just need to make it to Wednesday.

9. We talk about aliens and the pyramids and birthday trips to Phoenix.

10. When you feel like there’s nothing else you can do.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Nine

1. I can’t remember the dream anymore, but I know it was good.

2. Thick fog. This is a morning for coffee on the deck.

3. I don’t feel like yoga, which means I really need to do the yoga.

4. I twist my heart toward the sky and watch the hawk fly from tree to tree.

5. I have identified it; now, what do I do with all of it?

6. I feel as though I should be doing something, but I am not. And maybe doing nothing is what I should be doing.

7. I imagine rolling down the gentle golden slopes.

8. It cools down quickly and is, in fact, the perfect temperature for dinner al fresco. Dinner with interesting people and tagine and couscous and cold white wine.

9. The dead bird hanging by its feet is not real but unsettling nonetheless.

10. A small scoop of raspberry sorbet.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Eight

1. In the dream, they apologize. We eat cold steak.

2. In the dream, I stay firm. I don’t give her what she wants, but someone else does.

3. Be careful of being too righteous.

4. The last of the candied nuts.

5. We grab a lunch and sit outside. We should do this more often. It’s good to get a break from the office.

6. There are so many words in this story. I do not have time for a rewrite. She is texting me. I am working as fast as I can. So much pressure.

7. What is with this week?

8. Hot. It will only get hotter.

9. The mess is driving me crazy, but I am too tired to clean. It will have to wait until tomorrow.

10. Thank goodness. Finally, someone who is available.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Seven

1. Almost Friday.

2. Blueberry muffins from a box. The sounds of the coffee machine percolating. This almond milk isn’t quite doing it for me.

3. If nothing else, the relationships.

4. Wines of Sicily.

5. I remind myself that in spite of all everything, there is this: the beauty that surrounds us, the talented people, opportunities to make something out of nothing.

6. But where do we go next?

7. I need to get better at planning these Thursdays.

8. Two road closures in town. We crawl down the trail. I think of what he said about moving further up the hill. “If there’s a fire, there’s only one road.” Thirty minutes to get from home to the high school.

9. We make it just in time. I have no expectations outside of everyone having fun. I think they are.

10. My last stop is the emergency room. His sister hands him his cold Chick-fil-a. I am too tired to think. I respond to their texts to let them know he is okay.

Ten.Two Thousand and Sixty-Six

1. What day is today?

2. I take the blanket and the book outside. If I can just give myself these thirty minutes. I just need these thirty minutes.

3. Both frustrated and yet compassionate. Both unsure and yet certain. Lost, but sometimes all you can do is laugh.

4. Adjusting mindset.

5. We eat and talk about mindset and children and parenting. She apologizes for interrupting our conversation and eavesdropping. “Who are you people?” she asks. Just a group of parents. We’re just a group of parents.

6. Back to the quiet of my office.

7. What would I do without our hour-long conversations?

8. “I do want you to try to make your layups, though.”

9. How do I get to do more of this or only this?

10. Tomorrow will be better. Every day is better than the last.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Five

1. I like this no-alarm thing.

2. Brilliant golden sun so early in the morning. This is a warning of the forthcoming heat.

3. Back to fog and a cool sky before the day truly begins.

4. My Tuesday rides up to the meetings with him are my favorites.

5. I make my way back to the office, taking the approved gravel pathway, hoping that it is still too cool for the rattlesnakes to want to come out and play.

6. “It is the ones who are the most quiet that are the most dangerous.”

7. Another summer almost gone. Another summer with unfulfilled wishes.

8. I jot down the thoughts as they come to me. Everything is jumbled. I am trying to make them make sense. I try to see if they will build me a roadmap.

9. I don’t think I’ve seen him in real clothes since his basketball banquet. A real shirt! Khaki shorts! Shoes that aren’t Crocs! Beautiful child. Beautiful children.

10. This is actually a blessing in disguise. So, how do I channel this energy?

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Four

1. Monday. Feels like the right day for the white dress.

2. I did indeed leave it here.

3. I thought I would have time to read, but not today. Best to just get on with it.

4. I go to the bathroom even though I don’t really need to go to the bathroom because it feels like the most right thing to do at the moment.

5. I know what’s happening here, and I am not surprised.

6. I choose a different door.

7. 1, 2, 1, 2. 1, 2, 5. I should take more boxing lessons. I tell her that it reminds me of Tae Bo with Billy Blanks. She’s too young to remember that.

8. It only happens in the summer: the sunlight and the glittering bugs and the golden tinge of the leaves.

9. He argues that microwave popcorn tastes the same as movie theater popcorn, and I strongly disagree. And he is going to have to come with me and watch Mission Impossible.

10. “Hope is not a strategy.” But. Maybe it is.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Three

1. Up earlier than expected.

2. Ah, her face. I’ve missed her face.

3. Right. We manifested these places.

4. The fog is lifting. The birds are still singing. The olive tree is swaying in the breeze. Ripples in the pond.

5. Mind racing even though I want it to be still.

6. I choose a chicken recipe from Ottolenghi. I crush the garlic and slice the dates, scoop out the capers and olives and mix it all together.

7. I regret not taking that walk.

8. Sunday scaries.

9. But really, it’s not the worst thing.

10. Try again tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-Two

1. I head north but am stopped by the electric fence. I turn around and then decide I don’t want to run into anyone from work so I head up a mulched trail that brings me back home and stay on the paved roads of the neighborhood.

2. The way the light comes through the trees.

3. “It’s really remarkable. It’s remarkable to watch because I don’t really know what I’m doing on any level, but I trust in what’s going on in my body and the feelings that come up. And I do my best to be as true to myself as I can be. And that’s all that I’ve ever done and it has led to a very creative life.” - Rick Rubin, On Being

4. Cool mornings and coffee and words.

5. Appreciating the slowness of this Saturday.

6. I spot a small book of poetry that I also have. She is a little kooky, but I like her.

7. Sauvignon blanc and salad and hot wings. The lunch I didn’t know I needed.

8. He’s not that mad about it.

9. This is what summers are made for: friends, tri tip, ribs, potato salad, Spanish rice, wine. I look up at the sky and look at the stars.

10. So past my bed time.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty-One

1. Finally Friday.

2. I take my time, stay cozy beneath the weighted blanket.

3. Everyone is sleeping in. A quiet morning for me. Water and a bowl of cherries. Spoiled oat milk.

4. First one in. I make a list of all the things that need to be done. This will not take much time.

5. Writing and rewriting.

6. I walk back to the office. “I just don’t want to have the conversation,” I say. Still alone.

7. Lists and more lists.

8. The weather outside is perfect. There is a gentle breeze. The sky is flat and clear. The trellised magnolias are trying to bloom again. I am alone.

9. This is a lesson in surrender.

10. I don’t think I’ve done enough to be this tired.

Ten.Two Thousand & Sixty

1. Cool gray skies. The sound of woodpeckers in the distance.

2. I start to wonder if I am doing too much today.

3. Warm cup. Warm hands.

4. “…personal success is when you work your hardest to become your best…”

5. I am late to the meeting because I need to eat. I must eat. It is already noon, and I have not left my desk since 8 a.m. The quinoa salad with cucumbers and tomatoes could have used some feta. I eat only a little bit, but I eat it very quickly.

6. I can hear my frustration building. I don’t think they understand. It is not their fault that they don’t understand. They are doing the best they can with what they know. We are all just doing the best we can with what we know.

7. I have walked by this driveway dozens of times. It is a dream, this place. A dream.

8. “Watch more women’s basketball!” he says as he shakes my hand. “I’m doing that!”

9. I think we might win this one.

10. Tired but worth it. Always.