Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Needed that.

2. Waffles and bacon. Giggles at the table while they eat.

3. I finally find a copy of the latest issue. I scan the table of contents to find the spread, even though I know I will never reread what I wrote. I just like to have it in hand.

4. Am I trying too hard?

5. I reread his text and decide I’m going to ignore it. Maybe I’ll get over it. Maybe I won’t.

6. He tells him to head south because he doesn’t want him to cross the bridge. Yellow leaves and wet pavement and gray sky. The weight of everything.

7. But would it be the worst thing?

8. I know what the gaps are. The question is how to get them filled.

9. The exact kind of Saturday I needed.

10. I think of how she asks me what I want my title to be. What the next thing is. My instinct is to say nothing. I don’t want a title of any kind. I just want to be me.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Sixty

1. Game day. Red-and-white-hair-tie-day.

2. He gets into the driver’s seat, checks his mirror, connects his phone to the Bluetooth. I look off in the distance and see the hot air balloons sitting low on the horizon.

3. Not as scary as I thought it would be. I do my work emails and basketball posts while he drives.

4. Success.

5. We talk about possibilities, where we feel expansion, about reframing our relationships with time, about the magic connections we can have with teenagers, about meaningful work.

6. In the note, she says that she thinks I’m an interesting person. It makes me smile. I lean my head against the window and listen to the rain.

7. No energy. They have no energy in their face.

8. 1-1.

9. Chicken tenders and sweet potato fries, a vanilla milkshake with rainbow sprinkles.

10. The audacity of his text message after all of that.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Nine

1. No pants.

2. I make a full pot but forget that I’m meeting someone for coffee, so I didn’t need any of this.

3. Yogurt with a bunch a dried unsweetened coconut flakes.

4. “Less but more perfect.”

5. He says that it is a beautiful morning. It is a very beautiful morning. He reminds me that the rain is coming.

6. Irritated by the rub.

7. I talk out all the things and she said I did a great job and sometimes I think you just need to hear that from someone who doesn’t know you.

8. You always hope that you’re doing the right thing.

9. I get out of the car and walk myself to the passenger side. “He’s driving now!” I yell to him. “Take care of your mother!” he says.

10. “I prefer her.”

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Eight

1. Game day.

2. Black dress seems right for today.

3. A missed connection.

4. Something about the way these sentences fall out of their mouth affirms that this isn’t right for me.

5. But this pumpkin creme brulee.

6. The click-clack of my boots against the cold pavement. Brown and yellow leaves and moisture in the air. No sun. Fall.

7. She asks me how I’m feeling. I tell her I’m always nervous on game days. That I felt like I wanted to throw up after I crossed the Pope Street bridge. How many years do I have to do this before I stop feeling nervous?

8. I misinterpreted all of the noise. Too close. Too close.

9. Yeah. I have a good feeling about this year. 1-0.

10. Forgot about these sleepless nights.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Seven

1. A little bit of rain.

2. The coffee is calling to me. Half hot oat milk and half coffee. That will be okay, won’t it?

3. Red and white sweater. Lucky sweater? First game for the younger girls. Can. not. wait.

4. She’s real, and that’s what I like about her. An hour well spent before heading into the office.

5. At least she makes me laugh.

6. I never expected to see that email.

7. Need to make our layups.

8. I change out of my sweaty basketball clothes and back into my work clothes before walking into the gym to sit beside her on the bench. I scan the bleachers and count pairs of parents, people who look like they might be related. I think I see more than I’ve ever seen.

9. 9-0 at the half. A win. Their first win. A great way to start the season.

10. He meet him the hallway. He’s still dressed in his whites. I look up at him and say, “You had a pretty great day today. Drove a car for the first time and played in your first Varsity game. Not a bad day at all.” A little chuckle and a smile. Kinda all I hope for these days - a smile.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Six

1. 4:08 a.m.

2. That was not a good sleep.

3. Maybe if I write about it, I will feel better.

4. I write about it. I feel better. The light filtering through the morning fog gives the room a soft glow.

5. Avoiding the real work by making homemade tomato soup and croutons. Getting that done will help me write better, right?

6. Sales calls.

7. I tell her the contents of the last 16 hours of my days, and she is aligned. So grateful that we get each other. What would I do without her?

8. Always the same.

9. He asks me if it’s homemade. I tell him it is. “Why,” I ask. “It tastes really good.” And that one comment is why the procrastination was worth it.

10. Two days.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Five

1. Tea, crisp morning air, the quiet.

2. A long walk with one of my favorite humans and their four-legged friend. The bright yellow leaves and the firm ground. A bright blue sky and streaky clouds.

3. He almost seems nervous that we’re here. He doesn’t know what to say.

4. What I really want to do is go to sleep, but I don’t think that’s the right thing to do.

5. I think he’s getting taller.

6. Just want to keep it positive.

7. That is not how I thought it was going to go. But I believe that we will make it work. I believe it’s going to be okay. Do I have any choice?

8. Did I take that blood pressure medication?

9. Reset.

10. Tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Four

1. Practice day.

2. I don’t recognize who is he at first and then remember that he and I had a long chat one morning, last Saturday morning, waiting for the grocery store to open.

3. “Everyone is on time!”

4. I feel the focus. They are being the people they said they wanted to be.

5. She tells me it’s 9:30 and she has to go to work. I wrote a plan for two hours, not ninety minutes. Two hours is never enough.

6. Four days.

7. So. Freaking. Tired.

8. I bring all the things upstairs with me to bed even though I know I’m just going to fall asleep.

9. When he’s looking me in the eye, that’s when I know he’s listening, when what I’m saying is resonating. “You are the leaders now. This year wasn’t the only year. Next year could be the year, too, if that’s what you decide you want.”

10. Callings.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Three

1. I really need to sleep more.

2. Morning light. She reminds me that the Halloween candy is on sale; I should buy that instead.

3. I begin my setup: a table for the bagels and fruit and stickers. Large sheets of paper posted to the wall for the post-its. Pens and index cards. Team retreat day.

4. We read each others’ reasons for being here, our expectations of one another, our goals. The good news is that we are all here for the same reasons. We all want the same things. And if that is true, then we are halfway there.

5. They want more.

6. I pull the sheets of paper from the wall. I realize I am spending too much of my life not doing the right thing. This feels like the most right thing. I think this is my most right thing.

7. We stop in the olive grove and he asks me what I think. I don’t know what I think, but I know what I feel. I feel like I’m in some holy space, a magical place. I feel like I want to bottle up this feeling and have it forever.

8. I don’t want to make this call.

9. Clean bathrooms. Clean floors. Trader Joe’s frozen samosas. Not enough water.

10. Not how we imagined it would end.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Only three hours. I will pay for this later.

2. Hot tea. Yelling goodbyes through closed doors.

3. The light is breathtaking. Everything is bright and alive.

4. I remember why I don’t drink coffee anymore.

5. One 90-minute meeting, and it feels like it’s 6:00 p.m., not 11:30 a.m. I really need more sleep.

6. And then, sometimes, small things happen to remind you that the bigger things are on their way.

7. I think he’s offering to be a mentor. I feel a little lucky.

8. Maybe it’s just going to be one of those seasons. But still, no negative parent emails yet, I tell her.

9. Yes, more of this, please.

10. These cookies are gross and disappointing. I can’t believe I stayed up an extra 22 minutes to make these.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty-One

1. It’s just that time of year.

2. I look forward to when this isn’t an everyday kind of feeling.

3. We talk about journaling and the importance of documentation and the dark side of caffeine.

4. Of course.

5. I’m always surprised when they show up.

6. Even though it has carrots, it’s rather tasty. Or I’m just really hungry. I’m just really hungry.

7. Maybe surgery could be needed. But he wants to play. But we still aren’t sure because we need an MRI.

8. Another one bites the dust. But could there possibly be two more?

9. Spiral up.

10. The best is yet to come. The best is yet to come.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty

1. Probably don’t need to open the window that much anymore.

2. I welcome the arrival of the early light. It’s nice not to have to move through the dark.

3. I laugh to myself as I see him leaving in a car that is not his own. Those are surely hard perks to leave.

4. Why am I here?

5. She says they don’t seem the same. They feel different. I agree.

6. We hear him say the words and then laugh quietly. If nothing else, we have these little moments of inside jokes. We’re the only ones who get it.

7. The signs are there.

8. I look around and count. I worry there will not be enough. I remember that we’ve done harder things.

9. I shouldn’t have eaten this ice cream.

10. When all else fails, take a nap.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. Light.

2. Bed made. Biscuits in the oven. I am forgetting something.

3. First one in. I tell her I just needed a little bit of quiet, needed to remove myself from the morning rush of getting everyone to school.

4. I’d rather spend my time on other things.

5. But what is next?

6. I know this about myself: once you’re on “the list,” you’re on “the list,” and there’s no way of removing yourself from it. Once I’ve mentally disengaged, I’m done. Done, done. I hate not caring, but when I don’t care, I really don’t care, and that causes a lot of problems.

7. What are we even doing here?

8. Everything on the inside is screaming.

9. She tells me that the rumor is I kicked her off the team. “Well, that’s true.”

10. It’s only nine, but it’s the right nine. It’s only eight, but it’s the right eight.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. Didn’t we fall back?

2. Today feels like the right day.

3. I watch the landscape flash by as we drive. I don’t say much; I just look at my phone and think of what to say back to her, check the address of the destination, confirm that it is indeed not raining there.

4. I wonder if she will recognize me. She does.

5. Babydoll sheep. A noisy rooster. A cow. We find the yarrow, and the hummingbirds, and the hollyhocks.

6. First, she shows us the chapel made of straw, earth, and sand before showing us the barn with its large sliding doors and clear windows. A bird is flitting about, trying to find her way out. It feels symbolic.

7. I was 37 and wondering if this was what my life was going to be: laundry and kids and drinking wine with the neighbors.

8. In the dream, I watch him drive the car off the little cliff. Maybe I’m actually not ready for him to drive.

9. They ask me how my blood pressure is doing. Sigh.

10. Chicken pot pie. I tell him about my dream and he tells me I’m a D1 hater.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. Oh, yes.

2. The first Saturday morning practice. A quiet gym with its glistening floors. What are these feelings? Maybe it’s because I only got 4 hours of sleep.

3. HIIT. More of this.

4. This is one of my favorite parts of this: looking at the pieces and figuring out how to make the puzzle whole.

5. I roll the basketballs back to the storage room. I think about what is already working. I think about whether or not I should read between the lines. I think about the glittering morning light. I think about the very large bottle of water I need to drink. I think about the trash scattered about.

6. I can barely keep my eyes open.

7. Really feeling my introvertedness.

8. I haven’t seen this many Black people in a room in a very, very long time.

9. The sound of my boot heels clicking on the sidewalk, trying not to drop the bottle of wine cradled in my elbow. Wanting very badly to be back in my bed.

10. A good, slow Saturday.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Six

1. Friday.

2. I know I’m not sticking to my routine. I tell her I’ve just had a bad week. I don’t want to be a scrooge today. I’ll just keep it to myself.

3. Toilets cleaned. Floor mopped. Tables wiped down. Morning sun through the windows. All my thoughts a running a tape.

4. The audacity.

5. No more excuses. I did it. I know it can be done. I know they can do it too.

6. Something about the look on her face this week.

7. He looks so tall and lean in the all black. I can see in his eyes how much he wishes he could play. There’s always next week.

8. 17-14. What. a. game.

9. They won it for their coach. You can just tell. That was all about playing for someone they love.

10. I’m doing the right thing.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Five

1. What day is it?

2. Why are we trying to dry clothes at 7:20 when we have to leave at 7:50?

3. He asks me if I’m running late. I tell him that some days, getting the kids out of the shower and out of the house takes longer than you’d like.

4. Despite the amount of positive self-talk, sometimes there is no getting around your true feelings.

5. At least I have this to focus on.

6. Dark office all day. I wonder where he is.

7. I make a weekly attendance chart and a copy of the practice plan for her. This is kind of like having an assistant.

8. I think she’s trying to call my bluff.

9. His practice isn’t over yet. I decide to take a jog to pass the time. The construction equipment obstructs my view of the fluorescent sunset. I pass a house on my left; its windows are uncovered, and the lights are on. I try not to stare. I am going to feel this in the morning.

10. Or, maybe she didn’t quit.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Four

1. The 1st of November.

2. Maybe today is the day he will return.

3. Losing track of time. And now there’s a backpack to pick up. And treats to buy.

4. Alone again but not quiet. Chainsaws and hammers and muffled murmurs from below.

5. There are so many other more important things. So many other things on which I would rather spend my energy.

6. Early release.

7. He’s still there. That’s a good sign.

8. Already so much whistle-blowing.

9. It’s not a punishment. It’s just life.

10. A difficult conversation is easy when you’re speaking from your truth.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Only Tuesday.

2. Oh yes, it’s Halloween.

3. Another solo day in the office. Playing catch-up. At least it’s warm in here.

4. Messages like that said en masse do not inspire anything but fear. Maybe, one day, they will be better about this.

5. It feels as though something strange is about to happen but maybe I’m reading too much into it.

6. We decide on Mexican. There is a spot right in front that I can pull into. No parallel parking. Camarones. Rice and beans. I eat the entire plate.

7. The leaves of a dawn redwood.

8. It is a good group, even if a little small. In fact, maybe a better group than in past years. Lucky number three.

9. One is home sick. One doesn’t have a costume. I drive into town sit and drink wine and stay warm while tracking them on their phones. Maybe Halloween isn’t so bad after all.

10. “You better hide your candy. And hide it well. No. Don’t give any to your brother. He’s sick and the sugar will just keep him sick.”

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Monday, Monday, Monday.

2. Decaf in the French press, plus frothy vanilla oat milk.

3. Six hundred words.

4. I put on my mask and start to strip the bed, spray the pillows and mattress with Lysol, put on fresh everything, and throw the old stuff in the wash. I make him take another test just to be sure. Still positive.

5. She is having trouble finding the vein.

6. Insurance. But I think we both understand one another now. Please just send this referral to the other cardiologist.

7. Nervous, so nervous.

8. Seventeen total. It feels like a good amount, the right amount.

9. Maybe my math is off.

10. You can make the hard decision today, or make a hard decision tomorrow.