Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety

1. I really should get out of bed. But then again, no school drop-off this morning. Plenty of time.

2. The sound of the rain on this metal roof is one of my favorite things about this house. I don’t want to get up.

3. I am only here because of the party and because I know it will be the last one I’ll be invited to, and that makes me a little sad.

4. I keep the window open just a crack and listen to the rain fall.

5. Why does he always ask me what I think is difficult or feels hard? My answer is always the same: nothing is hard; it’s just unclear.

6. Another YETI!

7. Maybe I should have let her foul out.

8. I don’t think I can scream anymore.

9. I look more closely in the window and see his face smiling back at me. I walk myself over to the passenger side and get in. “It’s raining,” I say. “I know, I know. Drive more slowly.”

10. I tell him that I want to look at it this way: when we play our best, we can beat anyone.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Good sleep.

2. Don’t want to, but I should.

3. He asks me if he can pass the car. No. He asks again. My answer is the same. I am trying to keep my patience. Forty-five is not that slow. Maybe this was a bad idea.

4. He pushes the cart, and I toss things in. “Don’t eat the cashew yogurt,” I say.

5. Negotiations.

6. Am I late?

7. “You must discipline yourself carefully. You must keep the promises you make to yourself, and reward yourself, so that you can trust and motivate yourself. You need to determine how to act toward yourself so that you are most likely to become and to stay a good person. It would be good to make the world a better place.” - 12 Rules for Life

8. I listen to the rain fall and watch as the leaves break away from the trees.

9. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

10. Turns out, no matter how old you are, it still feels good when your parents tell you they’re proud of you.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. The cancer cup.

3. We’re in a twist and I look up at the ceiling and almost smile at the cobwebs being gone. And then I laugh at myself for being happy about such a thing.

4. I think I was snoring.

5. So. much. cardboard.

6. Today, the lighting is better, even though it is still odd. And I feel more creative, more connected than I have in the past. I feel more excited about having my camera in my hand. I miss this feeling - the feeling of being interested and engaged and, maybe a little inspired.

7. Sometimes, I come here even though there is no book I intend to check out. I just stroll through the racks, tilt my head, read the spines, pluck books from the shelf, and flip through the pages.

8. Party planning.

9. But I think he understands, even though he doesn’t like my answer.

10. So much to do.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Friday. Early day. Short day.

2. I tell her that I need more of these days in my life. How I like being able to enjoy coffee in a comfortable chair before starting my work.

3. We’ve been on the phone for 90 minutes already.

4. Shivering.

5. Pecan pie bar while we wait in the laundromat. And then we buy a plate of cookies from the ladies in front of Sunshine.

6. The thing Is, though, why all the lies?

7. The quiet observer.

8. I fell like I’m stretching to put my arm around his shoulder.

9. “If your life is not what it could be, try telling the truth… In Paradise, everyone speaks the truth. That is what makes it Paradise. Tell the truth. Or, at least, don’t lie.” - 12 Rules for Life

10. This is the longest game of middle school basketball I’ve ever watched in my life.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. So cold.

2. I start in the dress and then move to pants and sneakers. Black and gray, androgynous. I like it.

3. Where are my gloves?

4. She’s just saying what I’m thinking.

5. He texts me a picture of the paper. Another little square on the front page.

6. I really want the steak frites, but these prices…

7. He’s not telling me anything I don’t know, and yet the eventuality of it all still stings.

8. “You must determine where you are going in your life, because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction. Random wandering will not move you forward. It will instead disappoint and frustrate you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse).” - 12 Rules for Life

9. So. much. giggling. But a little more focus.

10. But it was much quieter before.