Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety

1. I really should get out of bed. But then again, no school drop-off this morning. Plenty of time.

2. The sound of the rain on this metal roof is one of my favorite things about this house. I don’t want to get up.

3. I am only here because of the party and because I know it will be the last one I’ll be invited to, and that makes me a little sad.

4. I keep the window open just a crack and listen to the rain fall.

5. Why does he always ask me what I think is difficult or feels hard? My answer is always the same: nothing is hard; it’s just unclear.

6. Another YETI!

7. Maybe I should have let her foul out.

8. I don’t think I can scream anymore.

9. I look more closely in the window and see his face smiling back at me. I walk myself over to the passenger side and get in. “It’s raining,” I say. “I know, I know. Drive more slowly.”

10. I tell him that I want to look at it this way: when we play our best, we can beat anyone.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Good sleep.

2. Don’t want to, but I should.

3. He asks me if he can pass the car. No. He asks again. My answer is the same. I am trying to keep my patience. Forty-five is not that slow. Maybe this was a bad idea.

4. He pushes the cart, and I toss things in. “Don’t eat the cashew yogurt,” I say.

5. Negotiations.

6. Am I late?

7. “You must discipline yourself carefully. You must keep the promises you make to yourself, and reward yourself, so that you can trust and motivate yourself. You need to determine how to act toward yourself so that you are most likely to become and to stay a good person. It would be good to make the world a better place.” - 12 Rules for Life

8. I listen to the rain fall and watch as the leaves break away from the trees.

9. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

10. Turns out, no matter how old you are, it still feels good when your parents tell you they’re proud of you.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. The cancer cup.

3. We’re in a twist and I look up at the ceiling and almost smile at the cobwebs being gone. And then I laugh at myself for being happy about such a thing.

4. I think I was snoring.

5. So. much. cardboard.

6. Today, the lighting is better, even though it is still odd. And I feel more creative, more connected than I have in the past. I feel more excited about having my camera in my hand. I miss this feeling - the feeling of being interested and engaged and, maybe a little inspired.

7. Sometimes, I come here even though there is no book I intend to check out. I just stroll through the racks, tilt my head, read the spines, pluck books from the shelf, and flip through the pages.

8. Party planning.

9. But I think he understands, even though he doesn’t like my answer.

10. So much to do.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Friday. Early day. Short day.

2. I tell her that I need more of these days in my life. How I like being able to enjoy coffee in a comfortable chair before starting my work.

3. We’ve been on the phone for 90 minutes already.

4. Shivering.

5. Pecan pie bar while we wait in the laundromat. And then we buy a plate of cookies from the ladies in front of Sunshine.

6. The thing Is, though, why all the lies?

7. The quiet observer.

8. I fell like I’m stretching to put my arm around his shoulder.

9. “If your life is not what it could be, try telling the truth… In Paradise, everyone speaks the truth. That is what makes it Paradise. Tell the truth. Or, at least, don’t lie.” - 12 Rules for Life

10. This is the longest game of middle school basketball I’ve ever watched in my life.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. So cold.

2. I start in the dress and then move to pants and sneakers. Black and gray, androgynous. I like it.

3. Where are my gloves?

4. She’s just saying what I’m thinking.

5. He texts me a picture of the paper. Another little square on the front page.

6. I really want the steak frites, but these prices…

7. He’s not telling me anything I don’t know, and yet the eventuality of it all still stings.

8. “You must determine where you are going in your life, because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction. Random wandering will not move you forward. It will instead disappoint and frustrate you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse).” - 12 Rules for Life

9. So. much. giggling. But a little more focus.

10. But it was much quieter before.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Five

1. Just a few more minutes. And a few minutes more. And more.

2. Digging the finals week schedule and these two very different drop-offs.

3. He says my eyes look brighter.

4. Still positive.

5. Yeah, I’m doing the wrong thing here.

6. It’s the little things.

7. It’s dark, and he’s driving. We’re picking up his younger sister from the middle school. “Wow. I’m getting old,” he says. I say something about how many years it’s been since he’s been inside the middle school. “I realized today that I only have five more semesters of high school.” “It’s going so fast,” I say quietly.

8. We sit on opposite sides of the couch.

9. “Your conversations are interesting.”

10. Who’s washing clothes when there’s no dryer?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Four

1. A little better than yesterday.

2. Nothing.

3. Negative and negative.

4. The fog this morning is thick and low, the thickest I think I’ve ever seen it.

5. Today, I really do not have the energy. I can feel it. I don’t even want to stand today.

6. Maybe it’s the construction noise.

7. I need another day, and maybe they do, too.

8. The truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

9. It’s just me and my feelings.

10. Tillamook Campfire Peanut Butter Cup.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Three

1. Monday.

2. He texts me that he has Covid. Great. I don’t feel good, and he doesn’t feel good, and all I can think of is all of the stuff that is not going to get done now.

3. I take a few tests to make sure I’m not positive and then keep making breakfast.

4. Cold by the window.

5. Our facial expressions.

6. “Phooooone!” they all exclaim through the open window.

7. The feeling of feeling incapable of making decisions, even the simplest ones.

8. No jury duty.

9. He falls asleep on the drive back home from the game, wakes up just in time to ask for Gott’s as we drive through town. I laugh.

10. But I need my weighted blanket.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Two

1. 8:18 a.m. I needed that.

2. I see a text that asks if I need to go to the grocery store. He just wants to drive.

3. I am tired, but I know the time in the car is much needed. I stare out the window, coffee cup in hand, watching the vines blur as he speeds down Silverado Trail. The words are few, but they are important. He is so much me.

4. He says he noticed that I did not have a grocery list.

5. Finally getting the lights on the tree. I hang the stockings and then return to bed for a nap. She will take care of the decorations.

6. I can’t think of doing anything else today but closing my eyes.

7. They will be here soon.

8. The tree is large and beautiful and perfectly done.

9. I think they all need and deserve a little bit of rest.

10. I do, and I don’t.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-One

1. One more day. A winning kind of day.

2. Everything is still so tight, but I find my balance. Find the drishti.

3. Maybe it’s just time for a little bit of tough love.

4. I see him down on the third base line, talking, walking. Looking a little bit better than before.

5. Not going to stress about it today. I can relax, too. I can smile.

6. It won’t be easy, but it is possible. But that’s like anything in life.

7. Third place! Back-to-back tournaments, back-to-back 3rd places wins. This is a big deal, a very big deal.

8. A perfect night for beef stroganoff.

9. I read the email. Do we need any more signs?

10. Bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty

1. Friday.

2. He says he wants to try eating five eggs tomorrow instead of four.

3. Really gotta get a heater under this desk.

4. If only everyone had asked more questions in the beginning.

5. Omissions.

6. I keep walking around the house, going in circles, forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing and where I keep leaving my coffee.

7. Always worrying about forgetting something, someone.

8. Maybe we can just stop her.

9. A little bit of fire.

10. We all did the best we could do and that’s all that matters.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Nine

1. So cold.

2. “In seeking answers and advice from others, you have placed your own feelings and knowing aside… only through being your own advisor can you attain your true goals… To achieve happiness, you must know yourself. To know yourself is to know your body, your mind, and your spirit. Use your strengths to overcome your weaknesses, and know that both are necessary in your evolution… Dream your dreams and own them.”

3. Another quiet morning in the office. Lights off. Light falling softly on the desk.

4. If only we had been a part of the original conversation.

5. More rain.

6. I feel like they can all tell.

7. I will never live down my parking job at the Chick-fil-A. Now, apparently, I can’t park anywhere.

8. I can’t find my words because they are obscured by my feelings. Just need to get through today.

9. I think they think I should be more excited than I appear to be. He tells me that’s got to be the most points they’ve scored in 35 years.

10. I know myself.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Eight

1. The tree is still bare.

2. Not seeing what I want to see.

3. Of course she would send it to me. I almost laugh at her while I’m still on camera.

4. But she’s right; if we didn't have one another, what kind of life would this be?

5. It’s never a good visit when they are this kind of late.

6. I think he will have something useful to say.

7. Did I really leave my phone in the gym? That’s locked? For which I don’t have my keys? That kind of season.

8. Mirroring. Maybe they were mirroring.

9. I’m learning, too. I’m learning, too.

10. In-season insomnia.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Seven

1. What day is it?

2. First one in to enjoy the quiet. Get water, settle in, stare out the window at the morning sky.

3. What are the priorities?

4. I ask him to talk me through the things in the text message because there is no time to read. That is a good statistic. But we need to score more.

5. Oh no, it’s him.

6. As he drives, I watch him fumble around digging for tiny bits of triangle chips to dip into a jar of yellow-orange queso dip.

7. Trivia to wake everyone up. I think it might have worked.

8. I sit back in my chair and eat my salad. I really hate this place.

9. Healthy and whole, we would have won.

10. She’s the last one waiting. I tell her that these other teams don’t even realize that they are playing against mostly freshmen and sophomores. That they are doing a good job hanging in there with all of the other upperclassmen. She says that that means when they are juniors and seniors, they are going to be amazing. They are. “You’re going to beat everyone.”

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Six

1. So. Tired.

2. Everyone is very tired.

3. Mind is spinning - spiraling. For several minutes, everything feels wrong and not right and scary and hopeless. I make myself some tea and begin to list gratitudes. I think about practice this afternoon and feel the relief of knowing that there will be laughter there.

4. Not enough tea in the world to keep me warm by this window.

5. Grown-up lunchable and more tea to try to warm myself up.

6. I’m still a little bit disorganized.

7. I need a week of working from home. Maybe that will help.

8. Mango.

9. It’s an experiment; I think it will be a good one.

10. Sometimes, you just want to do something familiar like boil water and slice the garlic bread. Sometimes, you need those simple and familiar things to make everything better.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Five

1. Slow Sunday.

2. I lean over my legs and grunt. Everything is so tight.

3. Someone moved the furniture. But the table is still out there. And so is the rug. I make a mental note to move those, too.

4. There are very few cars on the trail this morning. The words are still wet, and vibrant yellow leaves are plastered to the ground.

5. Making tally marks.

6. I could go to sleep right now.

7. There are only three more weeks until Christmas. Three more weeks. I am not ready.

8. There are still no lights on the tree.

9. Uninspiring.

10. One more game, and then I’ll go to bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. 7:30 in the morning. A sigh of relief. Finally a morning of sleeping in.

2. Cleaning day.

3. This one-car thing when everyone needs to be in different places at the same time is not fun.

4. We slowly dwindle to a more reasonable number, and that feels easier.

5. What is the energy I want? What is the energy we need? Does it match? No.

6. I love this about driving for these tournaments: the questions I get to ask, the questions I’m asked, the spontaneous, unguided, non-basketball conversations. I listen, I learn, I laugh.

7. “Do less, more perfect.”

8. I remember that my responsibility at this level is to win.

9. “Be sure to smile; this is going in the paper!”

10. I tell him we’re 3 and 3. 3. and. 3.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Four

1. Game Day. Again.

2. I run all of the logistics through my mind. We have one more than yesterday, but also the other driver have a big enough car that we should be just fine. That car has snacks. I still have the med kit and the basketballs. Will I be able to watch a little bit of the boys’ tournament before we leave?

3. Quiet office with the lights off. I talk to her while she drives to the airport. Something about us just keeping this part of our day consistent.

4. He tells me he has to take the car to the shop. I need to pick him up. All of my plans need to change.

5. Hungry.

6. We wrap empty wooden wine boxes in brown craft paper. I have her tie the bows. “Finally, something I’m better at than you.” We laugh.

7. I keep counting and recounting. I feel like I’m missing something. It’s like when you have envisioned a whole day, and then a very big thing changes, and now nothing feels right. Nothing feels right.

8. Like dominoes.

9. I tell him it feels like the Cloverdale tournament all over again. But we did it. It could have run away from us, and it didn’t.

10. Tomorrow, we will try again, and we’ll still be ahead of where we were last year.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Three

1. More sleep.

2. Game day. I stack binders and notebooks onto the bed, check and recheck the clipboard to make sure I have what I need.

3. I hear someone coming into my office. He tells me he was at Sunshine getting a coffee, and the checker said, “Hey, your wife’s on the front page.” He hands me the newspaper and I see my face in a small square box. Why just my face?

4. When you can cancel an unnecessary meeting that no one wants to attend anyway.

5. I better get down there.

6. A Crazy-maker, remember?

7. The one thing that does happen is that your colleagues will rally around you even when you never feel like you have the support from where it should truly come.

8. “I’m an OG 3.” I turn around and look at her. “I knew you had it in you.” They all laugh.

9. She sits down in the chair beside me while I arrange all my things and tells me she never realized how much work I do to prepare for things like this. The children see everything.

10. 36-3.

11. He texts me just the word “win.”

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventy-Two

1. Cold.

2. I make myself get up even though I’ve only had 3 hours of sleep. Today is not the right day to take off. But I feel better this morning than I did last night.

3. They don’t usually call me so I better answer the phone.

4. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that they are friends of or know of someone important…

5. Warm office. Hot tea. Standing at the desk. No construction noise today.

6. Who’s going to be the adult in this situation today?

7. Limp salad.

8. A quick stop by her office. Much-needed laughter.

9. I tell her that the reason they talk to us so much is because we’ve been so gracious and kind, and that while the challenges seem to be growing each year, look at our evergrowing patience.

10. Even he gets it but the others are not putting two and two together.