Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Four

1. I close my eyes and try to find my balance, try to accept that the body isn’t doing what I want it to do.

2. The crackle of the fire.

3. Film study.

4. I prep the chicken pot pie, subbing leeks for onions, chopping the carrot, and poaching the chicken—a few sprinkles of turmeric give the roux a golden hue.

5. Rejection.

6. How is it that they’ve had all day and still, we are rushing.

7. Ambitious goals.

8. They ask me to slide in some teams that are easy wins to build their confidence. “You see, the thing is, I think you can beat these teams. These are wins to me.”

9. I go to shake the other coach’s hand at the end of the game. He pulls me close and tells me what I’ve done with the program in two years is impressive and that I should be proud.

10. Progress over perfection.

Ten. Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Four

1. Sunday.

2. Ankles warmed by the fire. Coffee. A replay of last night’s game.

3. I ask him if now is the time to go harder. He says he thinks it is.

4. Sunlight.

5. Long weekends where the kids wear the same clothing item multiple days in a row even though they promise they’re going to take a shower and change.

6. Underdog upsets.

7. I realize that the only reason I am feeling bothered is that I still care too much about what they think. Do I know my goals? Do I trust that I’m doing the right thing? Do I see results? Do I know what my weaknesses are? Am I making a plan to develop them?

8. She asks me if my passport is ready. I tell her there’s no way I can go to Italy in November - that’s basketball season.

9. I think if you get it, you really get it.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Three

1. No alarm.

2. A little better than yesterday.

3. Slow morning. Rainy morning. Small-fire-in-the-fireplace morning. Coffee morning.

4. I vacuum my bedroom and think about what else I can let go of.

5. Do I really need two? I think I do.

6. For as long as this ride is, at least it is beautiful.

7. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s silly to read to them from this book, but I know I get something out of it, and maybe they will, too.
   ”Players with fight never lose a game; they just run out of time…. There is no such thing as losing when we’ve made the effort to do the best we can do. If we use our fight and determination to do our best, success will take care of itself.”

8. The best compliment is when someone who doesn’t know me or them tells me it was great to see how hard they worked.

9. I pray this is the night that gets us back on track.

10. Hard to believe it’s almost over.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Two

1. Needed it.

2. In the dream, it finally happens. It finally happens.

3. I can tell her in tone and facial expressions that she thinks, maybe, he shouldn’t be playing. But since the orthopedist cleared it, we will just wait for the second opinion. “You’re not making $20 million dollars a year, but if you want to be…”

4. Just way too far apart.

5. French onion soup, goat cheese salad, french fries, lemonade, friendship. Ten more minutes of talking while standing on the corner under an overcast sky.

6. I just needed to relax.

7. They tell me you can hear the sound of it breaking.

8. They disappear right at 5:30 to go watch the boys. I am not surprised. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

9. He’s talking a lot, and that means practice must have gone well. These 7-minute car rides with him will be over soon. Soon he will be doing it all alone. Maybe I’ll still make him drive me to the grocery store on the weekends.

10. This is the 3rd and by far the hardest, and I can see why people don’t last. I also need to figure out how they keep going.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & One

1. I look at myself in the mirror and think about how many times I thought I couldn’t make it another day, and yet here I am. I can see the light again.

2. Fire.

3. He’s right: I’m doing my best. But now we’ve dropped to 10.

4. Counting down.

5. I’m going to miss how easy it is to walk across the catwalk for talks like these.

6. It’s just that there are other things I care about more than this.

7. Maybe it will be okay after all.

8. He says that the emotional turmoil is just proof that you care and that you’re trying.

9. I look up at the sky and take in the stars, breathe in the crisp winter air. So much, and yet, so little.

10. I just need to find my own way.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred

1. So tired.

2. Another fire? Yes, please.

3. Grateful for these moments.

4. I can’t read her, but I also can’t read myself at this moment.

5. I really need to work on my poker face.

6. He says that the move is scheduled for next Wednesday. I tell him I’m in no rush, but he says that it’s already on his calendar. The beginning of the end.

7. It's already time for another break.

8. A little bit of laughter goes a long way. I’m glad I somehow managed to lose my anger.

9. She says it’s not them but the people around them.

10. Is is possible to be afraid of winning?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Is there still time for a fire?

2. Rain. The sound of a tile saw.

3. I look at the message and laugh and try to explain why it is so funny, but maybe you had to be there.

4. He knows who they are and even has an email address.

5. But could we not?

6. Called it.

7. Not enough butter.

8. How do we recover when we make a mistake?

9. But really, at the end of the day, if we fail, it is my fault. “Heavy is the head who wears the crown,” he always says to me.

10. And then you get a text that makes you think that maybe you’re wrong. That maybe you are still on the right path.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Monday.

2. I light a fire and decide that I will do as much work from in front of the hearth as possible.

3. Keep it short and sweet.

4. Telling the truth is easy.

5. There are so many more important things than this.

6. Tomato soup with parmesan and garlic bread.

7. If I could rewrite this story, what would I want to tell?

8. She tells me that she just deposited a lot of money. I ask her how much. “Someone sent a check for $5000,” she says. I say nothing. “You’ll have money left over after you buy your bags and warm-ups.”

9. They are being awfully nice and I think it comes down to these two things.

10. I tell them to thank anyone and everyone they see. To wear their school spirit with pride. Look at how much everyone believes in you, wants to support you.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Daylight.

2. Chai latte and an apple juice for me, an Americano for him.

3. I take sips and listen. I listen for what’s new. I listen for what affirms what I already know and have done and said. I listen to him tell me I’m on the right track and how all of this takes time. All good things take time.

4. Everyone is texting me sad face emojis about the announcement that she’s leaving. “But you probably already knew, didn’t you?”

5. Leftover crab cake for lunch, plus game prep.

6. The necessity of failure.

7. Dodgeball.

8. Hood Vocabulary.

9. When, not if.

10. Effort. Focus. Power.

11. Find the positive.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. 4:48 a.m.

2. In the dream, I am trying to get an oil change from this man in a suburban neighborhood, but I keep driving from house to house. Everything feels weird and eerie and not right. It’s almost a nightmare, but not a nightmare.

3. It’s early enough for a fire and to cook the frozen quiche.

4. If you don’t have intergenerational friendships, are you even living?

5. He tells me I need to bring back some joy. He’s not wrong.

6. All the tile cutting but no music. Maybe someone complained about the country music.

7. I can’t wait for her to be free.

8. It’s because I can see it, and they can’t. And maybe they won’t. Not until they’re long gone, and they’ve lived more life and can place these moments into context.

9. He keeps trying to convince me that he can drive just fine with only one hand on the wheel.

10. I know myself.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. The feeling is the same.

2. What I really want is a seat in front of the fire, more time. Slow time.

3. First in. They are painting his old office; it is a reminder that our departure is forthcoming. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

4. They are still cutting tile, but at least today’s choice of music is Top 40. Wait, is it still called Top 40 if the songs are 30 years old? Is this now the oldies?

5. He says to me that the behavior is actually disrespectful. I tell him that I agree. I am trying to understand what it is, how to fix it, if I even can fix it.

6. I don’t have a good feeling about today.

7. Effort. Focus. Power.

8. “Oh, it’s because you’re missing your best player,” they say. No, no. That is not it.

9. I tell him that I needed tomorrow away so that I could come back as the person I want and like to be. I know that I can’t be that tomorrow.

10. Reflection is important but pointless without a change in behavior.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. In the dream, I am trying to tell them they should add flowers to her hair.

2. Today is the day.

3. The fog. First, a whisp and then a thick

4. Bright, bright sun. I lean against the wall while waiting for the car to pull around.

5. Protein style with secret sauce and ketchup and mustard.

6. Everything is almost ready. Almost.

7. “When you decide to learn about your faults, so that they can be rectified, you open a line of communication with the source of all revelatory thought. Maybe that’s the same thing as consulting your conscience. Maybe that’s the same thing, in some manner, as a discussion with God.” - 12 Rules for Life

8. Sometimes, the camera can’t capture what the eye sees.

9. Fire.

10. Trying to rally. Only a few more hours to go.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Not ready for Friday. When have I ever not been ready for a Friday?

2. I’ll wear it even though it’s slightly off-center.

3. Stomach doesn’t want the coffee today.

4. He keeps telling me that the problem is that he has really muscular calves. I tell him that this is why women hate shopping: you can spend so much time trying on all of the things, and sometimes, it’s just not going to work out for you. It just might not happen today.

5. Slowly.

6. He apologizes for having the music so loud. He was trying to hear it while moving the wood. Sometimes, he surprises me.

7. More Patrick Mahomes-y.

8. We all agree that the fact that he is going to be 16 years old in a week is weird. Just weird.

9. “That’s why you don’t play defense with your face.”

10. Tomorrow!

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Almost time.

2. Aren’t we all learning and growing?

3. Instant oatmeal and French press coffee before dashing out the door.

4. Where does your power come from?

5. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I relax?

6. “You are by no means only what you already know. You are also all that which you could know, if you only would. Thus, you should never sacrifice what you could be for what you are. You should never give up the better that resides within for the security you already have—and certainly not when you have already caught a glimpse, an undeniable glimpse, of something beyond.” - 12 Rules for Life

7. Searching for answers.

8. It’s the little mistakes that get me.

9. There is time tomorrow.

10. Two days.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-One

1. Party day. Meeting day. Game day.

2. Banana bread from the box.

3. The op-ed is out.

4. Everything always happens at once.

5. Actually. I really do like this and I’m glad we made it work today. Should make it work every year because laughter and togetherness and memory-making.

6. These windy roads.

7. Winnable.

8. Almost there. Almost there. Mind over matter. Mind over matter. It’s right there.

9. I want to eat this salad but I have no appetite.

10. A long, long, long ride home.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety

1. I really should get out of bed. But then again, no school drop-off this morning. Plenty of time.

2. The sound of the rain on this metal roof is one of my favorite things about this house. I don’t want to get up.

3. I am only here because of the party and because I know it will be the last one I’ll be invited to, and that makes me a little sad.

4. I keep the window open just a crack and listen to the rain fall.

5. Why does he always ask me what I think is difficult or feels hard? My answer is always the same: nothing is hard; it’s just unclear.

6. Another YETI!

7. Maybe I should have let her foul out.

8. I don’t think I can scream anymore.

9. I look more closely in the window and see his face smiling back at me. I walk myself over to the passenger side and get in. “It’s raining,” I say. “I know, I know. Drive more slowly.”

10. I tell him that I want to look at it this way: when we play our best, we can beat anyone.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Good sleep.

2. Don’t want to, but I should.

3. He asks me if he can pass the car. No. He asks again. My answer is the same. I am trying to keep my patience. Forty-five is not that slow. Maybe this was a bad idea.

4. He pushes the cart, and I toss things in. “Don’t eat the cashew yogurt,” I say.

5. Negotiations.

6. Am I late?

7. “You must discipline yourself carefully. You must keep the promises you make to yourself, and reward yourself, so that you can trust and motivate yourself. You need to determine how to act toward yourself so that you are most likely to become and to stay a good person. It would be good to make the world a better place.” - 12 Rules for Life

8. I listen to the rain fall and watch as the leaves break away from the trees.

9. Cross my fingers and hope for the best.

10. Turns out, no matter how old you are, it still feels good when your parents tell you they’re proud of you.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. The cancer cup.

3. We’re in a twist and I look up at the ceiling and almost smile at the cobwebs being gone. And then I laugh at myself for being happy about such a thing.

4. I think I was snoring.

5. So. much. cardboard.

6. Today, the lighting is better, even though it is still odd. And I feel more creative, more connected than I have in the past. I feel more excited about having my camera in my hand. I miss this feeling - the feeling of being interested and engaged and, maybe a little inspired.

7. Sometimes, I come here even though there is no book I intend to check out. I just stroll through the racks, tilt my head, read the spines, pluck books from the shelf, and flip through the pages.

8. Party planning.

9. But I think he understands, even though he doesn’t like my answer.

10. So much to do.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Seven

1. Friday. Early day. Short day.

2. I tell her that I need more of these days in my life. How I like being able to enjoy coffee in a comfortable chair before starting my work.

3. We’ve been on the phone for 90 minutes already.

4. Shivering.

5. Pecan pie bar while we wait in the laundromat. And then we buy a plate of cookies from the ladies in front of Sunshine.

6. The thing Is, though, why all the lies?

7. The quiet observer.

8. I fell like I’m stretching to put my arm around his shoulder.

9. “If your life is not what it could be, try telling the truth… In Paradise, everyone speaks the truth. That is what makes it Paradise. Tell the truth. Or, at least, don’t lie.” - 12 Rules for Life

10. This is the longest game of middle school basketball I’ve ever watched in my life.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighty-Six

1. So cold.

2. I start in the dress and then move to pants and sneakers. Black and gray, androgynous. I like it.

3. Where are my gloves?

4. She’s just saying what I’m thinking.

5. He texts me a picture of the paper. Another little square on the front page.

6. I really want the steak frites, but these prices…

7. He’s not telling me anything I don’t know, and yet the eventuality of it all still stings.

8. “You must determine where you are going in your life, because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction. Random wandering will not move you forward. It will instead disappoint and frustrate you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse).” - 12 Rules for Life

9. So. much. giggling. But a little more focus.

10. But it was much quieter before.