Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Four

1. I close my eyes and try to find my balance, try to accept that the body isn’t doing what I want it to do.

2. The crackle of the fire.

3. Film study.

4. I prep the chicken pot pie, subbing leeks for onions, chopping the carrot, and poaching the chicken—a few sprinkles of turmeric give the roux a golden hue.

5. Rejection.

6. How is it that they’ve had all day and still, we are rushing.

7. Ambitious goals.

8. They ask me to slide in some teams that are easy wins to build their confidence. “You see, the thing is, I think you can beat these teams. These are wins to me.”

9. I go to shake the other coach’s hand at the end of the game. He pulls me close and tells me what I’ve done with the program in two years is impressive and that I should be proud.

10. Progress over perfection.

Ten. Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Four

1. Sunday.

2. Ankles warmed by the fire. Coffee. A replay of last night’s game.

3. I ask him if now is the time to go harder. He says he thinks it is.

4. Sunlight.

5. Long weekends where the kids wear the same clothing item multiple days in a row even though they promise they’re going to take a shower and change.

6. Underdog upsets.

7. I realize that the only reason I am feeling bothered is that I still care too much about what they think. Do I know my goals? Do I trust that I’m doing the right thing? Do I see results? Do I know what my weaknesses are? Am I making a plan to develop them?

8. She asks me if my passport is ready. I tell her there’s no way I can go to Italy in November - that’s basketball season.

9. I think if you get it, you really get it.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Three

1. No alarm.

2. A little better than yesterday.

3. Slow morning. Rainy morning. Small-fire-in-the-fireplace morning. Coffee morning.

4. I vacuum my bedroom and think about what else I can let go of.

5. Do I really need two? I think I do.

6. For as long as this ride is, at least it is beautiful.

7. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s silly to read to them from this book, but I know I get something out of it, and maybe they will, too.
   ”Players with fight never lose a game; they just run out of time…. There is no such thing as losing when we’ve made the effort to do the best we can do. If we use our fight and determination to do our best, success will take care of itself.”

8. The best compliment is when someone who doesn’t know me or them tells me it was great to see how hard they worked.

9. I pray this is the night that gets us back on track.

10. Hard to believe it’s almost over.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Two

1. Needed it.

2. In the dream, it finally happens. It finally happens.

3. I can tell her in tone and facial expressions that she thinks, maybe, he shouldn’t be playing. But since the orthopedist cleared it, we will just wait for the second opinion. “You’re not making $20 million dollars a year, but if you want to be…”

4. Just way too far apart.

5. French onion soup, goat cheese salad, french fries, lemonade, friendship. Ten more minutes of talking while standing on the corner under an overcast sky.

6. I just needed to relax.

7. They tell me you can hear the sound of it breaking.

8. They disappear right at 5:30 to go watch the boys. I am not surprised. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

9. He’s talking a lot, and that means practice must have gone well. These 7-minute car rides with him will be over soon. Soon he will be doing it all alone. Maybe I’ll still make him drive me to the grocery store on the weekends.

10. This is the 3rd and by far the hardest, and I can see why people don’t last. I also need to figure out how they keep going.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & One

1. I look at myself in the mirror and think about how many times I thought I couldn’t make it another day, and yet here I am. I can see the light again.

2. Fire.

3. He’s right: I’m doing my best. But now we’ve dropped to 10.

4. Counting down.

5. I’m going to miss how easy it is to walk across the catwalk for talks like these.

6. It’s just that there are other things I care about more than this.

7. Maybe it will be okay after all.

8. He says that the emotional turmoil is just proof that you care and that you’re trying.

9. I look up at the sky and take in the stars, breathe in the crisp winter air. So much, and yet, so little.

10. I just need to find my own way.