Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fourteen

1. Forty-five minutes later.

2. Big gray sweater. No. Cream sweater. No. Sweater dress. I might regret this thick black sweater.

3. Look at this sunrise.

4. Still all out of sorts.

5. “You can change your priorities whenever you want to.”

6. I stand in the kitchen and stuff two eggs into my mouth and a handful of strawberries. “I just need a minute,” I say with a smile. Just a minute.

7. Sun. So much sun. So much happiness. Ready for real spring.

8. At the end of the day, it’s done. We got what we needed. On to the next.

9. Magnets!

10. Just do the right thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirteen

1. Sleeping in.

2. Unexpectedly warm. Unexpectedly sunny. The light on my face makes me smile.

3. Windows down.

4. I stare out across the valley and into the downy blanket of trees that cover the mountainsides and think of how excited I am for them to experience this. And how lucky I am that this is my every day.

5. Because I haven’t had a peanut butter cup in a very long time.

6. So much sun.

7. But really, I kind of want to sit here in my chair and drink a little cup of coffee and light a log even though it’s 70 degrees outside.

8. “Units of meaning.”

9. Every now and again you are put into places and spaces that make you question every choice you’ve made up until that point. Or you realize that where you are and what you are doing may not be of service to your highest self. You need those kind of revelations.

10. Only four more.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twelve

1. Game day ribbons.

2. Which version will show up today?

3. Wipe feet. Light candle. Adjust the amaryllis in the sill. Plug in the computer. Think about how to be better today.

4. Decline.

5. I tell her that I’m not surprised. This is what happens when you’re honest and try to hold people accountable. They don’t want alone time with me because I make them uncomfortable. I’m not going to beg.

6. Truthtelling.

7. Text reminders to eat. Chicken pastor and rice. I should have brought some fruit.

8. Coffee and a chocolate before heading back into the rain.

9. Identify the disease. Remove it. Take measures to be sure it doesn’t return.

10. But what will happen if he’s never the same again?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eleven

1. No more wood. No more fire.

2. OMG, he’s wearing jeans.

3. These days will be gone before you know it.

4. We show up for a meeting that isn’t happening.

5. I will settle for this.

6. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is laugh.

7. They must think I am asleep. All I hear are creaking doors, feet thudding, hands in the ice machine.

8. This house, with its metal roof and the sound of the rain.

9. Gratitudes.

10. “All the ‘not readies,’ all the ‘I need time,’ are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a ‘completely ready,’ there is never a really ‘right time.’ As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one's nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ten

1. 1:48 am and a rambling mind.

2. Bits and pieces of conversation roll through my head. I try to beat them back by imagining the sound of ocean waves instead.

3. No one likes to be underestimated.

4. At some point, I’ll begin to recognize which cars belong to whom and distinguish footsteps along the wooden walkway.

5. A break in the clouds.

6. But I kind of don’t care.

7. I’m not looking for it, but I’m grateful it’s being given to me.

8. Double-overtime. The roar of the crowd. One day, we will play in gyms that sound like this.

9. Maybe the best thing to say is nothing at all.

10. Tired of fighting.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Nine

1. Bacon and waffles and coffee.

2. I try to be quiet as I make the fire, but the roar of the gas lighter is loud. The girls start to stir.

3. Better today than yesterday.

4. “Tomorrow is Day One.”

5. My heart sinks a bit, but I’m not going to give up. I never do.

6. The answer is still the same.

7. He always finds a job, and I can’t imagine that playing basketball in Nice could be that bad.

8. Reluctantly giving away my trophy.

9. Finally full.

10. The sound of rain.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eight

1. More logs. More fire. Dark start to the morning.

2. Weak coffee. Hungry stomach.

3. Oat Hill. An overcast sky. Muddy rocks and the sound of water dripping out of the mountain side. The views.

4. She tells me to be patient. To wait for the one I want.

5. He uses the word grief. He is right. This week, I felt like I’ve lost all of my connections…all of the people who make everything here so much more bearable.

6. I pour some chili into a cappuccino mug. Where are all the bowls?

7. We talk about crunchy grapes. She gives me a hard time about eating the snacks. I tell her about my 8 mile hike. I need the snacks.

8. I needed to cry.

9. Finally. The “yes” I’ve been waiting for.

10. You can’t do it all alone.

11. “There is no easy button.”

12. “Sometimes, you’re the dog. Sometimes, you’re the hydrant.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seven

1. Another log.

2. He says something about us not having a good night's sleep. No, not for me. Not for me.

3. It says it’s only 72 in here, but it feels like 82.

4. Smooth electronica and the sound of woodpeckers knocking against the side of the building.

5. I think I might be able to walk to work when the weather is better - but before rattlesnake season.

6. I’m sold already, even though I know he’s trying to sell me. This is the right time. B.A. and A.A.

7. My face.

8. This is hard, but we’ve done hard things, which means we can do harder things.

9. Deja vu.

10. This must be the year of the 3-2 zone.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Six

1. I need to break this habit.

2. Leftover roasted zucchini for breakfast and a few bites of bacon. Should probably quit the coffee.

3. Is anyone going to see me with these crocs on my feet?

4. I wouldn’t mind delaying this a little longer.

5. It could be worse, but it’s not bad. At least there’s a deck. And there’s plenty of natural light. But something about this place feels very isolated. And what about the rattlesnakes in summer? Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about it.

6. We can. We should. But I really never know.

7. I could cry. I remember how he said that I just need to focus on the positive.

8. “Suggestions on how to survive a long losing streak?”

9. What is it really?

10. He says, “the future for you is bright, though.” It is, it is.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Five

1. I don’t want to go.

2. When you get to the point where there’s no filter.

3. She asks me what snacks I want. I tell her it doesn’t matter anymore; tomorrow is my last day.

4. Will they try harder with a new face there?

5. It feels good to say, “No. We raised over $7,000.” Too late for your help now.

6. Warm-ups and bags ordered! A win.

7. I tell her about how we saw him at Azteca and how he asked what our favorite tacos are, and then she came into the gym with two tacos. “We must be doing something right.”

8. I just never know and that’s the thing that scares me.

9. “You’re right. That’s the wrong reason.”

10. But it’s never really over.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Four

1. I close my eyes and try to find my balance, try to accept that the body isn’t doing what I want it to do.

2. The crackle of the fire.

3. Film study.

4. I prep the chicken pot pie, subbing leeks for onions, chopping the carrot, and poaching the chicken—a few sprinkles of turmeric give the roux a golden hue.

5. Rejection.

6. How is it that they’ve had all day and still, we are rushing.

7. Ambitious goals.

8. They ask me to slide in some teams that are easy wins to build their confidence. “You see, the thing is, I think you can beat these teams. These are wins to me.”

9. I go to shake the other coach’s hand at the end of the game. He pulls me close and tells me what I’ve done with the program in two years is impressive and that I should be proud.

10. Progress over perfection.

Ten. Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Four

1. Sunday.

2. Ankles warmed by the fire. Coffee. A replay of last night’s game.

3. I ask him if now is the time to go harder. He says he thinks it is.

4. Sunlight.

5. Long weekends where the kids wear the same clothing item multiple days in a row even though they promise they’re going to take a shower and change.

6. Underdog upsets.

7. I realize that the only reason I am feeling bothered is that I still care too much about what they think. Do I know my goals? Do I trust that I’m doing the right thing? Do I see results? Do I know what my weaknesses are? Am I making a plan to develop them?

8. She asks me if my passport is ready. I tell her there’s no way I can go to Italy in November - that’s basketball season.

9. I think if you get it, you really get it.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Three

1. No alarm.

2. A little better than yesterday.

3. Slow morning. Rainy morning. Small-fire-in-the-fireplace morning. Coffee morning.

4. I vacuum my bedroom and think about what else I can let go of.

5. Do I really need two? I think I do.

6. For as long as this ride is, at least it is beautiful.

7. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s silly to read to them from this book, but I know I get something out of it, and maybe they will, too.
   ”Players with fight never lose a game; they just run out of time…. There is no such thing as losing when we’ve made the effort to do the best we can do. If we use our fight and determination to do our best, success will take care of itself.”

8. The best compliment is when someone who doesn’t know me or them tells me it was great to see how hard they worked.

9. I pray this is the night that gets us back on track.

10. Hard to believe it’s almost over.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Two

1. Needed it.

2. In the dream, it finally happens. It finally happens.

3. I can tell her in tone and facial expressions that she thinks, maybe, he shouldn’t be playing. But since the orthopedist cleared it, we will just wait for the second opinion. “You’re not making $20 million dollars a year, but if you want to be…”

4. Just way too far apart.

5. French onion soup, goat cheese salad, french fries, lemonade, friendship. Ten more minutes of talking while standing on the corner under an overcast sky.

6. I just needed to relax.

7. They tell me you can hear the sound of it breaking.

8. They disappear right at 5:30 to go watch the boys. I am not surprised. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

9. He’s talking a lot, and that means practice must have gone well. These 7-minute car rides with him will be over soon. Soon he will be doing it all alone. Maybe I’ll still make him drive me to the grocery store on the weekends.

10. This is the 3rd and by far the hardest, and I can see why people don’t last. I also need to figure out how they keep going.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & One

1. I look at myself in the mirror and think about how many times I thought I couldn’t make it another day, and yet here I am. I can see the light again.

2. Fire.

3. He’s right: I’m doing my best. But now we’ve dropped to 10.

4. Counting down.

5. I’m going to miss how easy it is to walk across the catwalk for talks like these.

6. It’s just that there are other things I care about more than this.

7. Maybe it will be okay after all.

8. He says that the emotional turmoil is just proof that you care and that you’re trying.

9. I look up at the sky and take in the stars, breathe in the crisp winter air. So much, and yet, so little.

10. I just need to find my own way.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred

1. So tired.

2. Another fire? Yes, please.

3. Grateful for these moments.

4. I can’t read her, but I also can’t read myself at this moment.

5. I really need to work on my poker face.

6. He says that the move is scheduled for next Wednesday. I tell him I’m in no rush, but he says that it’s already on his calendar. The beginning of the end.

7. It's already time for another break.

8. A little bit of laughter goes a long way. I’m glad I somehow managed to lose my anger.

9. She says it’s not them but the people around them.

10. Is is possible to be afraid of winning?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. Is there still time for a fire?

2. Rain. The sound of a tile saw.

3. I look at the message and laugh and try to explain why it is so funny, but maybe you had to be there.

4. He knows who they are and even has an email address.

5. But could we not?

6. Called it.

7. Not enough butter.

8. How do we recover when we make a mistake?

9. But really, at the end of the day, if we fail, it is my fault. “Heavy is the head who wears the crown,” he always says to me.

10. And then you get a text that makes you think that maybe you’re wrong. That maybe you are still on the right path.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Monday.

2. I light a fire and decide that I will do as much work from in front of the hearth as possible.

3. Keep it short and sweet.

4. Telling the truth is easy.

5. There are so many more important things than this.

6. Tomato soup with parmesan and garlic bread.

7. If I could rewrite this story, what would I want to tell?

8. She tells me that she just deposited a lot of money. I ask her how much. “Someone sent a check for $5000,” she says. I say nothing. “You’ll have money left over after you buy your bags and warm-ups.”

9. They are being awfully nice and I think it comes down to these two things.

10. I tell them to thank anyone and everyone they see. To wear their school spirit with pride. Look at how much everyone believes in you, wants to support you.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Daylight.

2. Chai latte and an apple juice for me, an Americano for him.

3. I take sips and listen. I listen for what’s new. I listen for what affirms what I already know and have done and said. I listen to him tell me I’m on the right track and how all of this takes time. All good things take time.

4. Everyone is texting me sad face emojis about the announcement that she’s leaving. “But you probably already knew, didn’t you?”

5. Leftover crab cake for lunch, plus game prep.

6. The necessity of failure.

7. Dodgeball.

8. Hood Vocabulary.

9. When, not if.

10. Effort. Focus. Power.

11. Find the positive.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. 4:48 a.m.

2. In the dream, I am trying to get an oil change from this man in a suburban neighborhood, but I keep driving from house to house. Everything feels weird and eerie and not right. It’s almost a nightmare, but not a nightmare.

3. It’s early enough for a fire and to cook the frozen quiche.

4. If you don’t have intergenerational friendships, are you even living?

5. He tells me I need to bring back some joy. He’s not wrong.

6. All the tile cutting but no music. Maybe someone complained about the country music.

7. I can’t wait for her to be free.

8. It’s because I can see it, and they can’t. And maybe they won’t. Not until they’re long gone, and they’ve lived more life and can place these moments into context.

9. He keeps trying to convince me that he can drive just fine with only one hand on the wheel.

10. I know myself.