Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

2. Before I roll out of bed, I try to make a very long list of gratitudes.

3. I shuffle around in the dark. The light is taking a little longer to poke through. The wifi isn’t working. Neither is the cellular service.

4. Ah. Here comes the rain. She doesn’t seem to care about her hair getting wet. My insides are screaming.

5. He asks me for my “why.”

6. Still nothing.

7. Too much.

8. I try to do as much as I can while I have the signal and immediately regret it.

9. He’s trying to get more female coaches, he says.

10. I wish today was my Friday, too.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Tuesday.

2. Sunnier than I thought it would be. This gives me joy. A little bit of peace.

3. Second breakfast: a bowl of grapefruit and slices of avocado drizzled with olive oil and flaky salt. Decaf coffee and a pressed juice.

4. No. It’s not for me.

5. Packed.

6. I need to do some more research.

7. Over-promising and under-delivering.

8. Control what you can control.

9. Sometimes, when he moves, it's like he is moving in slow motion. It's not slow. It's grace.

10. We’ll do it, too, one of these days.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Up before the alarm. A good trend.

2. Day four.

3. I light a fire in the dark, in the silence.

4. This situation suits me best.

5. I see her text. I guess I don’t need to hesitate to pick up the phone anymore. We can keep that part of the routine.

6. Am I in the post-season depression stage of the year?

7. Why am I even on this call?

8. I should say “no,” but I’m going to talk with him about it anyway. Because besides feeling like I don’t have enough time, I feel unqualified, and I should question that feeling.

9. The chicken has no flavor.

10. Just take a shower.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. 5 a.m.

2. Two days. I think that’s why I’m sleeping better.

3. The morning light. The cobwebs in the corner. The windows need to be cleaned.

4. Everything is tight, but the stretch still feels good.

5. I hate being late.

6. This is not something you ever see in a place like this.

7. Trying to slow down the passage of time.

8. Pre-work for a not-real class, but it’s good prep for what’s to come.

9. I worry that I might be too tired to do it, to do anything.

10. “We never stopped believing.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Slow Saturday. Sunshiny Saturday.

2. Everything is clear and bright, just as it should be after the rain.

3. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow. No energy for navigating that crowd.

4. Maybe you’ll brush your teeth now?

5. I think it was still cheaper than her gift card idea.

6. I slowly scan the shelves, see a copy of The Coasts of California, and grab it. It’s still wrapped in a kraft brown sleeve as if it’s never been read. The librarian says they’ve gotten a lot of donations recently - really nice ones.

7. He says something about me being in a good mood. Consecutive days of sunshine, I say. Not going into the office yesterday, I say. A clean home, I say.

8. They set records.

9. Gringo tacos.

10. He comes into the bathroom to tell me that the Firewood Fairy stopped by.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Three more minutes. Two-day streak.

2. The last of the almond milk. The last of the coffee?

3. Finally Friday.

4. Sage smoke.

5. I step outside and lift my arms toward the sun. Ready for summer.

6. Wine delivery. Some more to add to the fridge.

7. Almost there. Almost there.

8. But do you really want to eat chicken teriyaki again? I don’t think so.

9. I draw the Mountain Lion. The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.

10. 2021 Lingua Franca Avni Pinot Noir.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Five feels too long. Maybe we start with 3.

2. Sunshine.

3. My voice is back but so is the headache.

4. Sometimes the best response is no response.

5. More waiting.

6. A sunny spot against the window. Evan. Cassy. I will try to remember their names next time.

7. 2019 POE Pinot Munier.

8. You don’t get your time back.

9. I say to myself that it is nice to be able to relax and watch. But I’m not really relaxed. And I’m analyzing more than watching. Thinking about what I can do differently next season. Dreaming about what it would be like to replicate the same kind of intensity, tension, rawness.

10. “Experience reveals little about your potential.” - Hidden Potential

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Hard to believe it is actually the end.

2. Cold and damp seeping in through my slippers. This coffee cup doesn’t quite fit in the cup holder like I thought it would. Quiet ride this morning.

3. Short day.

4. What even is the point?

5. You can hear the fatigue in our voices.

6. The strange feeling of space re-entering the schedule. A void to either be filled - hopefully with something meaningful - or left empty and appreciated.

7. I will never understand.

8. Tillamook Marionberry Pie.

9. When you listen with intention, you can stitch together enough of what is and isn’t said to draw a snapshot of the heart and mind.

10. On a scale of 1-5, how engaged were you today?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-One

1. I still don’t know what today is.

2. Down to six.

3. I always get what I want; I just do my best to do it the right way.

4. Tuesday morning rides.

5. Why am I here?

6. Hanger steak. Potatoes. Flatbread. Salad. Clif Lede. Rutherford. Roundabout Midnight Rock Block. Poetry. Walking by the Dark Side of the Moon.

7. Did he really ask me if I could roll over and let them have two free points? And is he asking me if I’m actually going to do it?

8. And now it’s over.

9. The tears are because you care.

10. We are doing something right.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty

1. Forgot there was no more wood.

2. Same outfit, three days in a row. It is still raining.

3. Indeed, I am halfway there.

4. Morning pages in my fire seat, but there is no fire. I pretend that it is ablaze, roaring, making my feet sweat.

5. The road is littered with bits of dead limbs and pine cones, bright green leaves and runaway mulch.

6. Home is where I belong.

7. Focus.

8. Well, there goes dodgeball and donuts.

9. “So I remember when we were drivin', drivin' in your car / Speed so fast, I felt like I was drunk / City lights lay out before us / And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder / And I had a feeling that I belonged / I had a feelin' I could be someone / Be someone, be someone…”

10. I should have gone.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Nineteen

1. Out of firewood.

2. The extra sleep. I needed the extra sleep.

3. Rain, rain, and more rain. Today is the right day for it.

4. I think I know what to do.

5. He asks me how long I think he will be in a wheelchair.

6. “I’m getting a degree in you,” I say. He smiles.

7. I think about what the options could be. He needs more time. I need more time. I need more time with him. We need more time together.

8. Popcorn and a nap.

9. Dragging pieces of pork tenderloin through the honey-garlic sauce.

10. “My standard is my standard.” - Deion Sanders

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighteen

1. Friday.

2. This was the right idea.

3. Even though she’s gone, she’s not really gone, and that makes me happy.

4. Hail?

5. Chicken tikka mild. I drink half of his Taj Mahal and some water. The sky has cleared.

6. “It’s a great day to ruin someone’s senior night.”

7. “They’re crying right now, so it’s a good time to punch them in the face.”

8. I’m not convinced this wasn’t rigged. Note to self.

9. But really, we have come a long way. We’ve come a long way.

10. We stand outside under the stars and talk about emo bands and silent basketballs and a-ha moments. I hug her before she leaves. We don’t have any more of these left. One more practice. One more game.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Seventeen

1. What day is today?

2. This morning, I ride along for school drop-off. Heated seat. Coffee in hand. Thick skies. The sounds of their forks clattering against their plates as they eat another breakfast on the go.

3. Always carrying too many things.

4. I am the luckiest.

5. “Just remember, brothers and sisters, this too shall pass.”

6. The office is dark and quiet and I miss sitting in this place.

7. Is it silly to have hope still? No.

8. She asks him how he’s feeling about the upcoming surgery. He says he’s been in pain for a long time, so he’s looking forward to not being in pain anymore. And for the opportunity to actually have a vacation this summer because he won’t be able to do football. I chuckle. I also worry.

9. Two more games. Two more opportunities. It feels like the momentum is back in our favor. What are all the ways in which it can go right?

10. Meaningful rest.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Sixteen

1. Uncomfortable.

2. We both look toward the sky. “About two hours until it begins,” he says.

3. Two eggs, avocado, fruit, coffee. Conversation. I wish I had more time.

4. I sit in front of the fireplace and start to ask myself all of the questions that I haven’t stopped to ask myself.

5. If I don’t eat now, I won’t eat at all. I eat the whole plate of pasta, some vegetables, and the whole dessert.

6. Effort. Focus. Power.

7. I tell her that tonight is the night to beat them; that the last three games are the best games we’ve had in the new year.

8. He stops and tells them that they kicked his team’s butt. That the outcome didn’t reflect what they did on the floor.

9. She asks me if I’m okay. I tell her that I’m just tired.

10. Just need to sleep.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifteen

1. Twenty minutes later.

2. Red blazer. I say something about it being against the dress code. I throw on something black over it to hide it.

3. Not long enough of a commute to finish the song.

4. Something about this year feels different for me. Too distracted? Too disconnected? Too, too, too.

5. I'm just trying to be solution-oriented.

6. Almost $1000 in basketballs in one season gone.

7. If nothing else, I have these people.

8. Bittersweet.

9. “I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it.”

10. A little light.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Fourteen

1. Forty-five minutes later.

2. Big gray sweater. No. Cream sweater. No. Sweater dress. I might regret this thick black sweater.

3. Look at this sunrise.

4. Still all out of sorts.

5. “You can change your priorities whenever you want to.”

6. I stand in the kitchen and stuff two eggs into my mouth and a handful of strawberries. “I just need a minute,” I say with a smile. Just a minute.

7. Sun. So much sun. So much happiness. Ready for real spring.

8. At the end of the day, it’s done. We got what we needed. On to the next.

9. Magnets!

10. Just do the right thing.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirteen

1. Sleeping in.

2. Unexpectedly warm. Unexpectedly sunny. The light on my face makes me smile.

3. Windows down.

4. I stare out across the valley and into the downy blanket of trees that cover the mountainsides and think of how excited I am for them to experience this. And how lucky I am that this is my every day.

5. Because I haven’t had a peanut butter cup in a very long time.

6. So much sun.

7. But really, I kind of want to sit here in my chair and drink a little cup of coffee and light a log even though it’s 70 degrees outside.

8. “Units of meaning.”

9. Every now and again you are put into places and spaces that make you question every choice you’ve made up until that point. Or you realize that where you are and what you are doing may not be of service to your highest self. You need those kind of revelations.

10. Only four more.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twelve

1. Game day ribbons.

2. Which version will show up today?

3. Wipe feet. Light candle. Adjust the amaryllis in the sill. Plug in the computer. Think about how to be better today.

4. Decline.

5. I tell her that I’m not surprised. This is what happens when you’re honest and try to hold people accountable. They don’t want alone time with me because I make them uncomfortable. I’m not going to beg.

6. Truthtelling.

7. Text reminders to eat. Chicken pastor and rice. I should have brought some fruit.

8. Coffee and a chocolate before heading back into the rain.

9. Identify the disease. Remove it. Take measures to be sure it doesn’t return.

10. But what will happen if he’s never the same again?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Eleven

1. No more wood. No more fire.

2. OMG, he’s wearing jeans.

3. These days will be gone before you know it.

4. We show up for a meeting that isn’t happening.

5. I will settle for this.

6. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is laugh.

7. They must think I am asleep. All I hear are creaking doors, feet thudding, hands in the ice machine.

8. This house, with its metal roof and the sound of the rain.

9. Gratitudes.

10. “All the ‘not readies,’ all the ‘I need time,’ are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a ‘completely ready,’ there is never a really ‘right time.’ As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one's nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ten

1. 1:48 am and a rambling mind.

2. Bits and pieces of conversation roll through my head. I try to beat them back by imagining the sound of ocean waves instead.

3. No one likes to be underestimated.

4. At some point, I’ll begin to recognize which cars belong to whom and distinguish footsteps along the wooden walkway.

5. A break in the clouds.

6. But I kind of don’t care.

7. I’m not looking for it, but I’m grateful it’s being given to me.

8. Double-overtime. The roar of the crowd. One day, we will play in gyms that sound like this.

9. Maybe the best thing to say is nothing at all.

10. Tired of fighting.