Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Saturday.

2. Water and granola and applesauce.

3. Not enough time to run an errand but also too much time to sit and do nothing. I practice doing nothing.

4. One tiny cup.

5. It is warmer than I thought it would be, but the heat and the sun feel good.

6. The way the sunlight drapes over the statue of an angel in prayer.

7. I order the vegetarian burger with no aioli and no cheese. 2021 Tres Sabores Zinfandel. She offers a few slices of vegan sourdough. Salad.

8. Why am I feeling the way I am feeling?

9. I should have laid out in the sun on the front deck.

10. Open.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. “Create the structure you need.”

2. The five minutes goes by so quickly, I should try bumping it up to seven.

3. Day light. Sun light.

4. I walk by the coffee pot and think about having a cup. Why am I giving it up, again?

5. Now, can I rest?

6. Vegan mushroom and tofu tikka masala. Not the worst, but not the same as the chicken tikka I usually get.

7. She introduces me to a young woman who is now a head coach at a high school in Napa. So good to see another woman taking the lead. So necessary.

8. The way the air gets so cold during these early spring games. You always need one more layer.

9. Baseball season is my favorite season because of the people in the stands.

10. I need to find better recipes.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. I know I’m supposed to get out of bed right now, but I don’t want to.

2. Look at that light. Spring is coming.

3. Smoothie time.

4. I really need to work on this.

5. I open up her website and see the images I took some years ago. What am I feeling? Pride? Gratitude? Wistfulness?

6. I’m trying. I really am.

7. He asks what exactly it is that I want to do, which is funny because that’s the question I’ve been asking myself every day in my morning pages.

8. I ask for the kalen salad with the chicken, except no chicken. “So, a kale salad,” she says. I mean. Yeah.

9. No oat milk. No almond milk. No decaf. No caffeine-free tea. How funny.

10. Practice must have been just fine because he’s talking at the table. Good. I hope he got his number.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. What’s he doing up so early?

2. Tea and pages before everyone else is downstairs.

3. I bump up the heat just a little bit and sit down to finish a little more writing.

4. I tell him that the morning is my quiet time and that it’s just for me. It’s been this way for 15 years.

5. It is almost laughable.

6. A little bit of sunshine does wonders.

7. Always be looking.

8. “There are only two ways to influence human behavior: you can manipulate it, or you can inspire it.” - Start with Why

9. Late afternoon workout to break up the day. New ideas for what to do next season. Breaking just enough of a sweat to feel good.

10. Tomato soup and a buttery grilled cheese.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. A Tuesday that feels like Monday but is Tuesday.

2. Another day for him at home.

3. “What would be the greatest expression of myself that I want to present to the world?”

4. A sheet of rain. I change my shoes and grab another coat. Not sure why I thought the weather would be changing.

5. I debate whether or not I should add coffee to my mug.

6. The benefit of distance.

7. Feta, cucumber, tomato, lettuce. I forgot the olives. Typing with one hand while trying to eat with the other.

8. She says she’s noticed a shift in me. I tell her I’m trying to work on it. I really am.

9. But really, there is no substitute for her in my day.

10. The work of not giving up on your dreams.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. How many hours? Not enough. Closer to “hour” than “hours.”

2. The older you get, the more your lack of sleep makes you feel like you're hungover.

3. Still sick? Still sick. I make him take a COVID test even though I don’t know how much it really matters anymore.

4. “Action breeds clarity.”

5. Rain and more rain.

6. But I really wanted to bowl.

7. All the lights and sounds, a cacophonous cave. Reminds me of a casino.

8. Not a repeat.

9. I think about what he needs and how it’s too hard for me to give it if I’m not here.

10. Pitchforks.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Accidental alarm.

2. 51% certainty. Right. Imperfect action > no action at all. And there is no such thing as being 100% certain.

3. I keep falling asleep in Savasana.

4. He talks about trying to cross a river by walking over a log and sliding down hills and grabbing onto rocks and it sounds like a proper boy adventure.

5. Back under the down.

6. “Know what to say, when to say it, and to whom…”

7. One of my favorite hours of the week.

8. He brings soy sauce and gets dinner, too.

9. Tomorrow.

10. “Considered 'Pink Noise,' the calming sound of rain is like nature's massage for the brain. It is predictable and non-threatening at a biochemical level. It helps the body calm down by blocking environmental noise and other large spectrum frequencies audible to the human ear.” - 99Sounds

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Rain.

2. I make myself some tea and head into the office, close the door. I think I need to make a decision about my spaces soon.

3. Maybe I am tired because I’m not drinking coffee. Maybe my body is just resetting.

4. What does “success” look like in this situation?

5. What are the conditions required in order for me to be successful?

6. Late afternoon nap under the down.

7. Dates filled with tahini and topped with flaky sea salt.

8. Sometimes, the hole feels too big to climb out of.

9. “I like me.”

10. Grateful for another day.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty

1. Friday. Finally Friday.

2. Burning the insides of my lips with this tea. I could wait, I suppose.

3. The quiet.

4. If only she would make these plans with more notice.

5. Had forgotten about this article.

6. The game has already started by the time we get there. But I can see it on their faces. It looks like nerves or lack of confidence. Or fear.

7. I’m going to miss having her around next year.

8. Maybe I’ll get my voice back now.

9. “Ability allows athletes to achieve. Durability allows them to continue achieving. And pliability training makes both possible.” - TB12 Method

10. What’s next?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. It feels like Friday, but it is only…Thursday?

2. Where’s my light?

3. The benefit of no school is the slower pace of the morning—the time to actually drink my hot tea in a chair and not behind the wheel.

4. Most of the time it’s not personal, but sometimes it is.

5. This is gonna happen. Dream big. Keep the dreams big. And don’t listen to anyone who wants to shrink them. Because why not? And why not you?

6. At least I still have them. At least I still have them.

7. I feel a headache coming.

8. I walk through the building and see that their office is dark. A twinge of sadness.

9. Twenty minutes and learned something new. A sense of accomplishment. If only I could feel this more.

10. “What if, instead of accepting injury as inevitable and a part of what it means to play sports, trainers and coaches began incorporating pliability training into the traditional strength and conditioning system, educating bodies to absorb and disperse the forces placed upon them?” - The TB12 Method

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

2. Before I roll out of bed, I try to make a very long list of gratitudes.

3. I shuffle around in the dark. The light is taking a little longer to poke through. The wifi isn’t working. Neither is the cellular service.

4. Ah. Here comes the rain. She doesn’t seem to care about her hair getting wet. My insides are screaming.

5. He asks me for my “why.”

6. Still nothing.

7. Too much.

8. I try to do as much as I can while I have the signal and immediately regret it.

9. He’s trying to get more female coaches, he says.

10. I wish today was my Friday, too.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Tuesday.

2. Sunnier than I thought it would be. This gives me joy. A little bit of peace.

3. Second breakfast: a bowl of grapefruit and slices of avocado drizzled with olive oil and flaky salt. Decaf coffee and a pressed juice.

4. No. It’s not for me.

5. Packed.

6. I need to do some more research.

7. Over-promising and under-delivering.

8. Control what you can control.

9. Sometimes, when he moves, it's like he is moving in slow motion. It's not slow. It's grace.

10. We’ll do it, too, one of these days.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. Up before the alarm. A good trend.

2. Day four.

3. I light a fire in the dark, in the silence.

4. This situation suits me best.

5. I see her text. I guess I don’t need to hesitate to pick up the phone anymore. We can keep that part of the routine.

6. Am I in the post-season depression stage of the year?

7. Why am I even on this call?

8. I should say “no,” but I’m going to talk with him about it anyway. Because besides feeling like I don’t have enough time, I feel unqualified, and I should question that feeling.

9. The chicken has no flavor.

10. Just take a shower.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. 5 a.m.

2. Two days. I think that’s why I’m sleeping better.

3. The morning light. The cobwebs in the corner. The windows need to be cleaned.

4. Everything is tight, but the stretch still feels good.

5. I hate being late.

6. This is not something you ever see in a place like this.

7. Trying to slow down the passage of time.

8. Pre-work for a not-real class, but it’s good prep for what’s to come.

9. I worry that I might be too tired to do it, to do anything.

10. “We never stopped believing.”

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Slow Saturday. Sunshiny Saturday.

2. Everything is clear and bright, just as it should be after the rain.

3. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow. No energy for navigating that crowd.

4. Maybe you’ll brush your teeth now?

5. I think it was still cheaper than her gift card idea.

6. I slowly scan the shelves, see a copy of The Coasts of California, and grab it. It’s still wrapped in a kraft brown sleeve as if it’s never been read. The librarian says they’ve gotten a lot of donations recently - really nice ones.

7. He says something about me being in a good mood. Consecutive days of sunshine, I say. Not going into the office yesterday, I say. A clean home, I say.

8. They set records.

9. Gringo tacos.

10. He comes into the bathroom to tell me that the Firewood Fairy stopped by.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Three more minutes. Two-day streak.

2. The last of the almond milk. The last of the coffee?

3. Finally Friday.

4. Sage smoke.

5. I step outside and lift my arms toward the sun. Ready for summer.

6. Wine delivery. Some more to add to the fridge.

7. Almost there. Almost there.

8. But do you really want to eat chicken teriyaki again? I don’t think so.

9. I draw the Mountain Lion. The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth.

10. 2021 Lingua Franca Avni Pinot Noir.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Five feels too long. Maybe we start with 3.

2. Sunshine.

3. My voice is back but so is the headache.

4. Sometimes the best response is no response.

5. More waiting.

6. A sunny spot against the window. Evan. Cassy. I will try to remember their names next time.

7. 2019 POE Pinot Munier.

8. You don’t get your time back.

9. I say to myself that it is nice to be able to relax and watch. But I’m not really relaxed. And I’m analyzing more than watching. Thinking about what I can do differently next season. Dreaming about what it would be like to replicate the same kind of intensity, tension, rawness.

10. “Experience reveals little about your potential.” - Hidden Potential

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Hard to believe it is actually the end.

2. Cold and damp seeping in through my slippers. This coffee cup doesn’t quite fit in the cup holder like I thought it would. Quiet ride this morning.

3. Short day.

4. What even is the point?

5. You can hear the fatigue in our voices.

6. The strange feeling of space re-entering the schedule. A void to either be filled - hopefully with something meaningful - or left empty and appreciated.

7. I will never understand.

8. Tillamook Marionberry Pie.

9. When you listen with intention, you can stitch together enough of what is and isn’t said to draw a snapshot of the heart and mind.

10. On a scale of 1-5, how engaged were you today?

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-One

1. I still don’t know what today is.

2. Down to six.

3. I always get what I want; I just do my best to do it the right way.

4. Tuesday morning rides.

5. Why am I here?

6. Hanger steak. Potatoes. Flatbread. Salad. Clif Lede. Rutherford. Roundabout Midnight Rock Block. Poetry. Walking by the Dark Side of the Moon.

7. Did he really ask me if I could roll over and let them have two free points? And is he asking me if I’m actually going to do it?

8. And now it’s over.

9. The tears are because you care.

10. We are doing something right.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty

1. Forgot there was no more wood.

2. Same outfit, three days in a row. It is still raining.

3. Indeed, I am halfway there.

4. Morning pages in my fire seat, but there is no fire. I pretend that it is ablaze, roaring, making my feet sweat.

5. The road is littered with bits of dead limbs and pine cones, bright green leaves and runaway mulch.

6. Home is where I belong.

7. Focus.

8. Well, there goes dodgeball and donuts.

9. “So I remember when we were drivin', drivin' in your car / Speed so fast, I felt like I was drunk / City lights lay out before us / And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder / And I had a feeling that I belonged / I had a feelin' I could be someone / Be someone, be someone…”

10. I should have gone.