Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Fifty
Now it’s finally Thursday.
Thin strips of fog sitting in
In the dream, I tell him that we’ve ordered the books and that everything will be okay.
All that sun.
She says something about playing a game. Pretend you have superpowers, and everything you want magically appears. Write whatever desire pops into your mind. Write what you want in response to anything that comes up.
I will make the best of it.
“One of the most common causes of failure is the habit of quitting when one is overtaken by temporary defeat.” - Napolean Hill
Greenhouse.
Another clump of daffodils randomly
Maybe next year I can get them to embrace the back peddle.
Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Nine
Don’t forget to meditate.
But there are some things about this space that I like: all the windows and the natural light.
He says that I can’t do it because I did end up getting what I want.
The sun is coming out.
None of these people know what they are doing.
I have to take myself off camera.
The only word I can think of for what I am feeling and being is “ornery.”
I really wish it was Thursday and not Wednesday.
With the darkness comes the cold.
What he needs is a cleanse. Just try to wipe it all out.
Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Eight
A Tuesday that feels like a Wednesday.
It wasn’t supposed to rain today.
I could read this and not listen, or I could trust the words I’m reading and make a better choice.
Forgiveness. Forgiveness and gratitude.
Soft winter light. Rainy day light. Quiet. Everything feels like it is moving in slow motion. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
What does the truth sound like?
I tell them that I knew exactly what would be said and that I have already prepared to make the decision that works best for me. But it’s silly the things people do and say out of their ego’s need to feel in control.
Why do they always like to call my bluff?
Patience.
“Practice listening to your intuition, your inner voice; ask questions; be curious; see what you see; hear what you hear; and then act upon what you know to be true. These intuitive powers were given to your soul at birth.” - Women Who Run With the Wolves
Ten.One Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-Seven
2:00 a.m.
Cleaning the kitchen while waiting for the oven to preheat. I hear only myself and the
Avocado.
The braver choice is to be vulnerable.
Knocking them off the list, one by one.
But also, I just miss them.
A brisk walk before lunch. Another chapter of the book plays through my ears. I try not to slip on the wet rocks.
She asks me if I know what two things that cause high blood pressure. “Caffeine and stress!” I say. She laughs. “That’s true. I was thinking of some other things.”
He’s home from baseball already. Sick. 101 fever. I guess we shouldn’t have made him go to school. “He has the weakest immune system,” observes the youngest. I wonder if he’s one of the long haulers. Or maybe it’s just a lack of sleep.
Sore back. I blame the hills.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Six
Do I, or don’t I?
Bright morning light after a long soak and everything its own version of neon. I keep stopping to take pictures.
Cold hands.
The rain is so gentle it’s almost imperceptible. I catch glimmers of raindrops as I come around the curve. I hedge my bets and keep on walking.
A little bit of coffee. A smoothie. I’d add chia seeds, but I know they don’t like them.
What are ways in which you can demonstrate your trustworthiness and maturity?
Power 1000.
I just wish I lived closer, that’s all.
She says we can move once they’re all in college. She talks about needing to go to college on the coast; she must be by the water. And she hates winter. We list other alternatives. She’s not interested.
Moments like these.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Four
A little bit of light on a wet morning.
Where is that phone?
A clump of daffodils in a grassy sea of green.
Smoothie truck for employee appreciation day. Even on a rainy day, everyone wants a cold drink. Hawaain Sunrise.
Going rogue.
I can’t help but feel a little envious.
I have to just keep trusting the divine timing of my life.
Anywhere but here.
A fresh pillowcase and the way it smells and feels against your cheek.
I feel on the inside the way it sounds on the outside: heavy and wild.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Three
The rain is back.
At least that is off the list for now.
Still can’t find my work phone.
Grosses Gewächs.
I sit and listen, don’t offer up much of anything. But as I write my notes, I start to daydream about other things. Maybe it’s not so much daydreaming as it is remembering. Remembering all of what I used to know, trying to see what knowledge I can recall from those stacks of flash cards and books.
I open up a window and listen to the rain slap against the trees.
We stare down at the clean plates. This is a good time. This almost never happens.
Stiff knee. Is it from standing all day? Is it from the rain? Is it from my lack of daily exercise now that the season is over? Probably a little bit of all three.
“Don’t underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunities. Strengthen the individual. Start with yourself. Take care with yourself. Define who you are. Refine your personality. Choose your destination and articulate your Being. As the great nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so brilliantly noted, “He whose life has a why can bear almost any how.” - 12 Rules for Life
Good and done.
Ten.One Thousand, Two hundred & Forty-Two
Rough night of sleep. I should do something different.
Almost the end of the month. Almost the end of the week. Both have felt way longer than they should have.
Back on that daily morning call routine.
Breaking dress code.
We finally have a date for surgery. One step closer.
Sometimes, all you can do is shake your head.
“Articulating our values as verbs…” - Start with Why
I’m finally understanind what he meant by letting go.
Sensory overload.
Filter the noise.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty
Before the alarm.
Monday wardrobe.
The subtext of a text.
Womb. “The process of creation and healing are two sides of the same coin. To create, one must imagine something that has never been. To heal, one must be willing to embrace a new way of being.”
She offers me tea. I tell her I will take coffee. It wasn’t enough time, but some is better than none.
They tell me that they can’t bring themselves to watch it.
Patience is a virtue.
Maybe the problem with education is you have people in education who think so little of the children.
I know who to talk to about this.
Tacos under the glow of the baseball field’s lights. Toes getting cold. Hands getting cold.
I could be wrong. But I could also be completely right. But I’ve wrangled with dragons before. And won.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine
3:38 a.m. In the dream, we have gotten a letter about him and now we have to have a difficult conversation.
This should not be enough of a nightmare to wake me, but I am awake. Artificial noise pumps through the room. A small slice of light from the night light in the hallway catches my eye.
He’s resistant, but I get him to come down anyway.
Another grocery run with no list—Russian roulette.
I buy a rice krispie treat and begin to eat it immediately.
I decide to ride with him to take him to baseball practice. I stare at the river, the blue sky, and the bright green cover crops. Why am I riding in the car like this? Maybe I am like a dog. I just like the sensation of going somewhere.
Dates, tahini, sea salt.
I tell him that I’m nervous about this one. Way more than the last few years.
Well, not it’s really over.
But this blanket.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight
Saturday.
Water and granola and applesauce.
Not enough time to run an errand but also too much time to sit and do nothing. I practice doing nothing.
One tiny cup.
It is warmer than I thought it would be, but the heat and the sun feel good.
The way the sunlight drapes over the statue of an angel in prayer.
I order the vegetarian burger with no aioli and no cheese. 2021 Tres Sabores Zinfandel. She offers a few slices of vegan sourdough. Salad.
Why am I feeling the way I am feeling?
I should have laid out in the sun on the front deck.
Open.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven
“Create the structure you need.”
The five minutes goes by so quickly, I should try bumping it up to seven.
Day light. Sun light.
I walk by the coffee pot and think about having a cup. Why am I giving it up, again?
Now, can I rest?
Vegan mushroom and tofu tikka masala. Not the worst, but not the same as the chicken tikka I usually get.
She introduces me to a young woman who is now a head coach at a high school in Napa. So good to see another woman taking the lead. So necessary.
The way the air gets so cold during these early spring games. You always need one more layer.
Baseball season is my favorite season because of the people in the stands.
I need to find better recipes.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Six
I know I’m supposed to get out of bed right now, but I don’t want to.
Look at that light. Spring is coming.
Smoothie time.
I really need to work on this.
I open up her website and see the images I took some years ago. What am I feeling? Pride? Gratitude? Wistfulness?
I’m trying. I really am.
He asks what exactly it is that I want to do, which is funny because that’s the question I’ve been asking myself every day in my morning pages.
I ask for the kalen salad with the chicken, except no chicken. “So, a kale salad,” she says. I mean. Yeah.
No oat milk. No almond milk. No decaf. No caffeine-free tea. How funny.
Practice must have been just fine because he’s talking at the table. Good. I hope he got his number.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Five
What’s he doing up so early?
Tea and pages before everyone else is downstairs.
I bump up the heat just a little bit and sit down to finish a little more writing.
I tell him that the morning is my quiet time and that it’s just for me. It’s been this way for 15 years.
It is almost laughable.
A little bit of sunshine does wonders.
Always be looking.
“There are only two ways to influence human behavior: you can manipulate it, or you can inspire it.” - Start with Why
Late afternoon workout to break up the day. New ideas for what to do next season. Breaking just enough of a sweat to feel good.
Tomato soup and a buttery grilled cheese.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Four
A Tuesday that feels like Monday but is Tuesday.
Another day for him at home.
“What would be the greatest expression of myself that I want to present to the world?”
A sheet of rain. I change my shoes and grab another coat. Not sure why I thought the weather would be changing.
I debate whether or not I should add coffee to my mug.
The benefit of distance.
Feta, cucumber, tomato, lettuce. I forgot the olives. Typing with one hand while trying to eat with the other.
She says she’s noticed a shift in me. I tell her I’m trying to work on it. I really am.
But really, there is no substitute for her in my day.
The work of not giving up on your dreams.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Three
How many hours? Not enough. Closer to “hour” than “hours.”
The older you get, the more your lack of sleep makes you feel like you're hungover.
Still sick? Still sick. I make him take a COVID test even though I don’t know how much it really matters anymore.
“Action breeds clarity.”
Rain and more rain.
But I really wanted to bowl.
All the lights and sounds, a cacophonous cave. Reminds me of a casino.
Not a repeat.
I think about what he needs and how it’s too hard for me to give it if I’m not here.
Pitchforks.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Two
Accidental alarm.
51% certainty. Right. Imperfect action > no action at all. And there is no such thing as being 100% certain.
I keep falling asleep in Savasana.
He talks about trying to cross a river by walking over a log and sliding down hills and grabbing onto rocks and it sounds like a proper boy adventure.
Back under the down.
“Know what to say, when to say it, and to whom…”
One of my favorite hours of the week.
He brings soy sauce and gets dinner, too.
Tomorrow.
“Considered 'Pink Noise,' the calming sound of rain is like nature's massage for the brain. It is predictable and non-threatening at a biochemical level. It helps the body calm down by blocking environmental noise and other large spectrum frequencies audible to the human ear.” - 99Sounds
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-One
Rain.
I make myself some tea and head into the office, close the door. I think I need to make a decision about my spaces soon.
Maybe I am tired because I’m not drinking coffee. Maybe my body is just resetting.
What does “success” look like in this situation?
What are the conditions required in order for me to be successful?
Late afternoon nap under the down.
Dates filled with tahini and topped with flaky sea salt.
Sometimes, the hole feels too big to climb out of.
“I like me.”
Grateful for another day.
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty
Friday. Finally Friday.
Burning the insides of my lips with this tea. I could wait, I suppose.
The quiet.
If only she would make these plans with more notice.
Had forgotten about this article.
The game has already started by the time we get there. But I can see it on their faces. It looks like nerves or lack of confidence. Or fear.
I’m going to miss having her around next year.
Maybe I’ll get my voice back now.
“Ability allows athletes to achieve. Durability allows them to continue achieving. And pliability training makes both possible.” - TB12 Method
What’s next?
Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Twenty-Nine
It feels like Friday, but it is only…Thursday?
Where’s my light?
The benefit of no school is the slower pace of the morning—the time to actually drink my hot tea in a chair and not behind the wheel.
Most of the time it’s not personal, but sometimes it is.
This is gonna happen. Dream big. Keep the dreams big. And don’t listen to anyone who wants to shrink them. Because why not? And why not you?
At least I still have them. At least I still have them.
I feel a headache coming.
I walk through the building and see that their office is dark. A twinge of sadness.
Twenty minutes and learned something new. A sense of accomplishment. If only I could feel this more.
“What if, instead of accepting injury as inevitable and a part of what it means to play sports, trainers and coaches began incorporating pliability training into the traditional strength and conditioning system, educating bodies to absorb and disperse the forces placed upon them?” - The TB12 Method