Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. 3:38 a.m. In the dream, we have gotten a letter about him and now we have to have a difficult conversation.

2. This should not be enough of a nightmare to wake me, but I am awake. Artificial noise pumps through the room. A small slice of light from the night light in the hallway catches my eye.

3. He’s resistant, but I get him to come down anyway.

4. Another grocery run with no list—Russian roulette.

5. I buy a rice krispie treat and begin to eat it immediately.

6. I decide to ride with him to take him to baseball practice. I stare at the river, the blue sky, and the bright green cover crops. Why am I riding in the car like this? Maybe I am like a dog. I just like the sensation of going somewhere.

7. Dates, tahini, sea salt.

8. I tell him that I’m nervous about this one. Way more than the last few years.

9. Well, not it’s really over.

10. But this blanket.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Saturday.

2. Water and granola and applesauce.

3. Not enough time to run an errand but also too much time to sit and do nothing. I practice doing nothing.

4. One tiny cup.

5. It is warmer than I thought it would be, but the heat and the sun feel good.

6. The way the sunlight drapes over the statue of an angel in prayer.

7. I order the vegetarian burger with no aioli and no cheese. 2021 Tres Sabores Zinfandel. She offers a few slices of vegan sourdough. Salad.

8. Why am I feeling the way I am feeling?

9. I should have laid out in the sun on the front deck.

10. Open.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. “Create the structure you need.”

2. The five minutes goes by so quickly, I should try bumping it up to seven.

3. Day light. Sun light.

4. I walk by the coffee pot and think about having a cup. Why am I giving it up, again?

5. Now, can I rest?

6. Vegan mushroom and tofu tikka masala. Not the worst, but not the same as the chicken tikka I usually get.

7. She introduces me to a young woman who is now a head coach at a high school in Napa. So good to see another woman taking the lead. So necessary.

8. The way the air gets so cold during these early spring games. You always need one more layer.

9. Baseball season is my favorite season because of the people in the stands.

10. I need to find better recipes.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. I know I’m supposed to get out of bed right now, but I don’t want to.

2. Look at that light. Spring is coming.

3. Smoothie time.

4. I really need to work on this.

5. I open up her website and see the images I took some years ago. What am I feeling? Pride? Gratitude? Wistfulness?

6. I’m trying. I really am.

7. He asks what exactly it is that I want to do, which is funny because that’s the question I’ve been asking myself every day in my morning pages.

8. I ask for the kalen salad with the chicken, except no chicken. “So, a kale salad,” she says. I mean. Yeah.

9. No oat milk. No almond milk. No decaf. No caffeine-free tea. How funny.

10. Practice must have been just fine because he’s talking at the table. Good. I hope he got his number.

Ten.One Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. What’s he doing up so early?

2. Tea and pages before everyone else is downstairs.

3. I bump up the heat just a little bit and sit down to finish a little more writing.

4. I tell him that the morning is my quiet time and that it’s just for me. It’s been this way for 15 years.

5. It is almost laughable.

6. A little bit of sunshine does wonders.

7. Always be looking.

8. “There are only two ways to influence human behavior: you can manipulate it, or you can inspire it.” - Start with Why

9. Late afternoon workout to break up the day. New ideas for what to do next season. Breaking just enough of a sweat to feel good.

10. Tomato soup and a buttery grilled cheese.