Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Six

1. But if I didn’t do it, I would regret it.

2. Spiraling. Centering. Calming. Observing. Forgiving.

3. Not forgetting.

4. I pack a few decaf pods for the office.

5. Trouble focusing. Conflicting needs and wants. Other, more pressing and more interesting matters.

6. Of course, none of the six tear this time. But two out of ten is still bad when where are 1,000.

7. Reassurances that they will be okay.

8. At last night’s dinner, we talked about food and the things we love to cook and how the thing I miss most in this current stage of life is cooking really good meals. I am so out of practice that nothing tastes as good as it used to.

9. But I’m so close to an A that I should go for it. If I can find the energy.

10. Acceptance of fact, of feeling.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Five

1. Must get up.

2. I almost forget about the English muffins. Luckily, it is a Monday. Luckily, the line is short.

3. It's already so hot.

4. Of course.

5. A lot of homework in very few days.

6. I know what a comment like that means, but I have to ignore it for now.

7. Not enough time.

8. “You create a good future by creating a good present.” - Eckhart Tolle

9. Just not enough room for the key lime pie.

10. Something different.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Four

1. Could really use another six hours.

2. Perfect foam on the decaf brings such delight.

3. Squeezing in a little bit of time to talk about life. Much needed. Sometimes you forget how nice it is to have someone who knows the you from before.

4. Only one more week. Just one more week.

5. “How are you doing everything you’re doing?”

6. Transformative vs. Transactional.

7. I just need a nap.

8. A screen full of women spending one hour talking about basketball, problem-solving basketball, laughing about basketball.

9. That mask.

10. Ready for it not to be 100 degrees.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Three

1. Not nearly enough sleep.

2. If there is a lunch, I bet it will be sandwiches. I find crackers, hummus, apples, and cheese sticks and stick them in my bag just in case.

3. He tells me I’m going to love Sue Phillips. I say to him that the only reason I’m coming is because of Sue Phillips.

4. “A competitor should be disciplined, purposeful, strategic, communicative, collaborative.”

5. “You are what you choose to ignore.”

6. “Great players want to be told the truth.”

7. Sandwiches.

8. Three hours of sleep + lunch + hot gym = falling asleep while sitting up in the bleachers.

9. Last-minute salad with green goddess dressing. If I’d had more time, I would have done a little bit more.

10. Another late night, but worth it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Two

1. Still so hot for this early in the morning.

2. Hot summer morning light.

3. Maybe a few months ago this would have freaked me out. But not today. Perhaps it’s the meditation.

4. Green grapes.

5. It’s hot, yes. But I just needed the fresh air. In the shade, this warm breeze feels good.

6. I could make a stink about it, but that wouldn’t do anyone any good.

7. The car reads 123 degrees.

8. Why is there water in the console? In the cupholder is a can of sparkling water with no top.

9. Three thrilling sets.

10. Honest conversations. That is how we move forward.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & One

1. Consistency.

2. But how?

3. Squeeze. Squeezed? Squoze?

4. Sometimes, it’s okay to take the easy path.

5. Burning thighs.

6. Can we think of a more creative way to get what we need done?

7. Only one. Only one?

8. I think this is going to work out just fine. Maybe better than fine?

9. What’s different about today?

10. “These meetings,” I write. I should have packed my dinner like he suggested.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred

1. The first day of October. If only it felt like it.

2. I’m up, but I don’t feel like driving him to 6 a.m. practice, so he will just have to drive himself.

3. Not enough time to get that one last cup of $5 decaf.

4. “Fear is excitement without the breath.”

5. Gratitude for every little thing. Every little thing.

6. That’s a good idea: use one of the Julies.

7. Tight quads. Foam roll.

8. They are cute. It still is weird. Next time, I’ll make dinner.

9. Whatever is making me bloat needs to stop.

10. “Not to decide is to decide.” - Harvey Cox

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Nine

1. I still check under the sofa for snakes before I get on the mat.

2. It will be hot today. It is already hot.

3. Really need to buy those decaf pods.

4. Tight knees = tight quads. More stretching.

5. Messages that need to be returned but there is not enough alone time in the day.

6. I need to call her tomorrow morning. It’s been too long.

7. She sends pictures of them from ten years ago. Their faces and hands are so small. They are the same but different. It used to feel so hard back then, but it might be harder now.

8. We watch him cut a bit of meat off the pork chop and then burst into laughter at the same time. Note to self: no more bone-in porkchops.

9. They are funnier than I am, that’s for sure.

10. A dream that repeats itself is no longer a dream but a demand.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Eight

1. Slow Sunday.

2. Enjoying the coolness of the morning before the head returns.

3. Hammock time. The whirring sound of golf carts going back and forth. A gentle breeze in the shade.

4. Of course, everyone needs to be picked up right when I am ready to take a nap.

5. Look for joy.

6. Leftover steak and a Parker House roll.

7. The difference is confidence.

8. Secret stashes of caramel popcorn.

9. What changes starting today?

10. Lots of things are possible.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Seven

1. Easy.

2. As I make my way higher and higher, I spot hot air balloons far off in the morning haze.

3. Dry dirt on hard rock is sometimes slippery. I keep my eye out for things that I don’t want to see.

4. Hawk feather.

5. So hot in the sun. Energy today seems low. No sleep, I’m sure.

6. Thirty-six days.

7. “It’s pretty nice to be talented. If you are, enjoy, but it won’t take you that far. Work takes you a lot further.”
   ― Natalie Goldberg

8. One scoop of olive oil fig gelato.

9. Everyone is gone again. It’s just the two of us. I guess we better get used to this.

10. A tomahawk is very large.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Six

1. Five days in a row.

2. Gold, gold morning light. That’s how you know it’s going to be hot.

3. One coffee and five bags of sour gummy bears to take back to the middle school.

4. Simple but tedious.

5. “It’s hard being Black and smart and a woman.”

6. “It’s good, but it’s not champagne.”

7. Daydreams of running away. “I need a break from home,” I say, Just a tiny one. Even just a day.

8. This is having teenagers: no one is ever home.

9. The thing is that we are not the type not to say anything. And maybe that’s how the rest of them get through it: smile and nod and hold back. Not being afraid of power puts you in hard situations, even when you know you’re right.

10. Tomorrow: solo walk on the trails, hot tea on the sofa, writing, flag football, groceries, hammock.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Five

1. Consistency.

2. I declare today a good day because it’s Thursday and that means tomorrow is Friday.

3. Those are stress responses.

4. They’ve harvested the grapes from these vines. For some reason, I thought these were just vanity rows, decoration. I spot a small cluster tucked behind a leaf.

5. It is funny how that happens. Why do they think I’m the one with the answers? It happens everywhere I go.

6. I see him at every game, but I have no idea who he is. He leans over and opens a newspaper to show me something. He points at my son’s name. “Isn’t this your son?” “It is.” He asks me if I want the newspaper. I do.

7. They say they would read an article about me and my relationship with coffee.

8. Focus on what is.

9. Nervous? Yes. But afraid? No.

10. “I am a woman of violent contradiction.” - The Albanian Virgin by Alice Munro

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. The perfect fall morning. A little foggy, a little breezy. I need a sweater.

2. “I know. A large coffee.” “You got it.” I tell her that I should buy some beans for home, but I haven’t. And the Naysayer decaf is good; it almost tastes like real coffee. She says another employee says it’s the best decaf he’s ever had, too. Worth the $4.60.

3. A cup of coffee in a place that is not home is also about being present where you are. I think about how this used to be a place we visited—a dream supported by a plan, but a dream nonetheless. Now it’s home.

4. They say it again—another comment about me asking questions. I could be projecting, but it smells familiar. Maybe my kind of curiosity is not the same as theirs.

5. I tell them I am choosing to trust my gut on this one.

6. It's German day at the food truck, which means I’m definitely getting a pretzel.

7. I almost forgot I had done all of this work already.

8. Focus on what is, not what is not.

9. Grilled salmon, couscous, the last of her tomatoes and corn and shallots cooked with a little bit of butter.

10. One quiz down, one more to go.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Four

1. I could go back to sleep right now lying here in Savasana.

2. Second guesses.

3. Shoulders back and down.

4. I see a flash of something and then feel a twinge of nostalgia for a more familiar self. So much of me changed when I got here, and sometimes, I want the old me back.

5. I can’t really say “no” to this, but could I? Should I?

6. Pretty sure someone in the parking lot sees me stooping over on the sidewalk trying to take pictures of grapes while my bags fall onto the ground.

7. Patterns.

8. Trying to erase the words of doubt that creep in. What would I rather see instead? There are other versions of this story.

9. Need to fix my face.

10. Oblivious.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Three

1. Back at it.

2. Morning meditation. Peace.

3. The sun is breaking through so brightly, so clearly. The heat is coming.

4. When your 15-year-old compliments you, then you know it’s legit.

5. Making the drop-off loop and forgetting to circle back into town for that cup of decaf.

6. You could just tell the truth.

7. The thing is that there is a plan.

8. The questions that I ask myself.

9. Hanger steak and creamed spinach always go over well.

10. So much laughter at the dinner table. Sometimes, a table full of teenagers is the best—only two more years of this.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-Two

1. Slow Sunday.

2. Feeling the work of the week.

3. These cool mornings are just a tease, but I’ll linger under these dark skies for as long as I can.

4. First day of fall.

5. Costco order, and then a test, and then clip-building, and then, and then, and then.

6. “The Fire Inside.”

7. The power of intuition and love—and anger.

8. Preparing for all the stares and maybe a few questions.

9. Sunday lamb chops are becoming a thing.

10. You know what they say about a woman who cuts her hair: They’re about to change their life. Kind of the same thing.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety-One

1. Quiet breaths on the back deck, staring out into the fog. Finding a few orange leaves in the trees. Ready for the season change.

2. Oh, I remember him. He talked about bears.

3. Hot in the sun, but cool in the shade. I’d rather stand under the merch tent than in the stands.

4. Drew. David. Dan. Douglas.

5. The long drive to Vallejo. The recognition of a body that has succumbed to disorder. Sea gulls eating spilled food off the hot asphalt. They still have plywood in the windows. She asks me if I need help with anything. How do you decide between 35 kinds of hair gel?

6. How many more days are we all willing to walk through these walls of gold and silver streamers?

7. “What do you daydream about?”

8. The Mayacamas backlight by the setting sun and that haze that settles in. That’s dreamy.

9. They’re 86 Gaja.

10. He is right. It is a good life.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Ninety

1. Out of decaf.

2. This is more of what I like to do: problem-solving.

3. All the right pieces are here. It’s just a matter of putting them all together.

4. But I definitely can’t go 45 days without my email.

5. Tourists from the Midwest. I can hear it in their voice.

6. I manage to finish the quiz without getting car sick.

7. Big sky.

8. We take a route that winds alongside the lake. The light of the setting sun hits the ripples of the lake’s waters, and the land seems to jut straight up from the shore. Like a movie.

9. Two touchdowns. A two-point conversion. Tackles. Yardage on punts and kick-offs. And an interception. He did a little bit of everything, and he looks like it.

10. The upside of these late Friday nights is knowing I will let myself sleep past 5 a.m. the following morning.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Nine

1. Awake.

2. After the stretch, I do a little meditation.

3. A little bit of sunrise trying to split the fog.

4. Finally, a little bit of time to sit and write.

5. $4.60.

6. Really should have packed a lunch. Can only eat so many of these tiny packets of jerky and nuts.

7. When someone really gets what you’re doing and wants to support you, you have to spend time thinking about how to ensure that no one blocks you from the blessing.

8. Today, everything feels like it’s aligning. The secret was saying it out loud.

9. Locked out.

10. Consistency.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Eighty-Eight

1. Getting easier and easier every day. I’m proud of me.

2. Grapefruit sprinkled with a little bit of sugar reminds me of my grandfather.

3. Electrolyte water. Posture brace. Decaf. Grapes. Work-from-home Wednesday feels good.

4. The most clarity I’ve had in a long time. I just needed someone to tell me how to break this down. Projects 1, 2, & 3. I like things in threes. I know what needs to be done.

5. I miss our daily chats. The gift of that place was the people.

6. One new face, and that gives me more hope. The focus has to be on who and what is present.

7. The gap between where I am and where I want to be feels wide but crossable.

8. The second-to-last scoop of macaroni and cheese.

9. I take a raffle ticket. “I’m in a winning mood,” I say.

10. I need the ocean.