Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Lights on.

2. Waiting to meditate.

3. Starting 5.

4. Another men’s oxford.

5. Another beautiful sunrise in wine country. Sunlight filters through the morning fog. A few hot air balloons in the distance. 41 degrees.

6. Freezing cold in here, and only regular coffee.

7. Another blow. A quick body count. A text to the group. A few helpful responses. Freak out over.

8. Care of the body.

9. “The audacity of self-belief.”

10. Moving from respect toward like.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. Monday, bloody Monday.

2. Almost fall asleep during meditation.

3. Exciting for weather that warrants a thin turtleneck. Time to think about when to have the firewood delivered.

4. Electrolyte water and decaf and a naked drink while waiting for the sun to rise.

5. Clarity. Commitment. Consideration. Consistency. Courage. Confidence.

6. “Dream big dreams.”

7. “Dare to move forward.”

8. Less anxious. More excited.

9. It will be different because I am different.

10. Shivers. Where’s that firewood?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. Sunrise yoga.

2. I found the pods.

3. And so it’s done.

4. Something about this men’s oxford and jeans.

5. Two more domains.

6. Who would have though you could—or should—use a spreadsheet for this?!

7. Sunshowers. Unexpected but welcome.

8. He says he could tell I was excited. I tell him that it’s just so much fun to be on these calls with other women coaches.

9. So tenderheaded his toes are curling.

10. Creatures of habit.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. Much to be done.

2. Still no decaf. I begin to plot my morning with the assurance I’ll have time to swing by the market to pay $4.60 for a large cup of coffee.

3. Meal plan done. Groceries ordered and set to be delivered. Now, a little bit of time to breathe.

4. I am not late after all.

5. “She detested fashionable books and knew that time would never allow her to keep up to date.”

6. It is short and sweet but feels incomplete—nevertheless, a good way to spend a few hours in the shade.

7. I wonder if anyone else feels this way or thinks these things. I sense the shortness of time that’s left. I am thinking too far ahead.

8. But what’s with the sneakers and the socks?

9. Losing light.

10. I should have just driven myself; I’m not getting any sleep anyway.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Up before the alarm but slow to slide out from beneath the warmth.

2. Trying to find things in the dark.

3. Pacing around the kitchen, trying to figure out what could replace the missing decaf. Nothing.

4. I never think of this place but it’s kind of perfect.

5. Kids PB & J. I tell her it’s my go-to when I don’t really have an appetite but need to eat something. And it’s also the cheapest sandwich you can order from Sunshine.

6. My questions are probably not relevant, but they keep popping into my head.

7. Not fitting in anywhere.

8. I didn’t realize they were related.

9. You can feel it on a night like tonight.

10. We can do better, though, can’t we?

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-One

1. New movements.

2. Sunlight.

3. No more decaf pods. I slid her Birkenstocks over my hiking socks and mentally prepare for the walk inside the store.

4. Hot water with lemon. No appetite.

5. Professional ambition?

6. You can see what you want to see.

7. Last home game. That means it’s almost time now.

8. I take it back.

9. I tell them that they like high school. But I knew they would.

10. Should have gotten a cheeseburger. Lettuce wrap. Grilled onions. Bacon. Special sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Pickles.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty-One

1. Fogbound.

2. Numb fingers. It’s not even that cold yet.

3. Trusting my own method of recovery.

4. Sun on skin and fresh air.

5. Chainsaws and voices in the distance.

6. We talk about books that we go back to over and over again when we need a bit of inspiration to keep going: the first chapter of East of Eden, any of my favorite shorts by Alice Munro, Octavia Butler, a play by Tennessee Williams.

7. “When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.” ― Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man\

8. Less than two weeks.

9. Blank space.

10. Affirmations.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twenty

1. “Last round, best round.”

2. This one is too easy now, which is a good thing.

3. Maybe just one more day?

4. I take my decaf and journal to the chair and stare out at the trees without writing a word or taking a sip. I just look out into the distance.

5. When you can feel it in your body.

6. Ticking boxes.

7. ““When seeking guidance, don't ever listen to the tiny-hearted.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

8. He says that he sounds like he’ll be a good partner. I think he will be, too. This is going to be a good year. We’re building the right team.

9. Smothered pork chops and mashed potatoes. No one is eating the squash.

10. They’ll be home by midnight.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Nineteen

1. Dark and quiet.

2. As I twist, I watch as the sun begins to turn the tops of the trees yellow-green.

3. I snore myself awake while in Savasana. That’s how I know I’m tired.

4. They say that the second one was scarier than the first. That’s usually hard to do. I don’t think I’ll be watching it, though.

5. “Release the shame you feel when resting. It does not belong to you.” ― Tricia Hersey, Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto

6. I needed that four-hour nap.

7. One more day.

8. What can be squirreled away?

9. Someone had to lose.

10. “You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eighteen

1. Okay.

2. Very dark. A group of 13-year-olds with no real direction from the teacher. It will work itself out, I suppose.

3. When I see the bleachers set up, that’s when I know this pet parade is a big deal.

4. One of the best decisions I’ve made since living here.

5. We could offer feedback, but then again, we will never have to do this again.

6. So tired.

7. Another one of those empty-nester kind of nights. A split of tomatoes and burrata, steak frites, and a bottle of Burgundy.

8. These kids never cease to amaze me. Watching them grow in their skills and ability, as well as their confidence on stage over these years is quite a gift.

9. Big moon.

10. I already know I need one more day.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Seventeen

1. Better late than never.

2. Daydreaming about morning fires.

3. He gets it. Maybe more than the others, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.

4. I decide on “Last August” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. She says she’s curious about this one. “It feels achievable,” I say.

5. She said she was hoping I would get more cookbooks. Did I make anything out of the ones I just had?

6. Sun.

7. A little bit of peace.

8. Tired. So tired.

9. What is nature, and what is nurture? Is it too late to nurture out some of the nature?

10. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Sixteen

1. “Last round, best round.” I hear her voice in my sleep.

2. Maybe it’s cool enough for me not to sweat.

3. The sun through the fog is blindly bright but it casts a holy glow over everything.

4. I knew I should have just stayed home.

5. Leftover Italian wedding soup for lunch. Quiet except for the sound of my fingernails on the keyboard.

6. Driveway littered with browning oak leaves.

7. Friday night football on a Thursday. Everything feels just a little weird.

8. Supermoon hanging in the sky.

9. The wind is picking up. The power is already off in the towns just up the hill. We shouldn’t be affected, but we’re so close, you never know.

10. Still up.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fifteen

1. In the dream, she has a giant parmesan wheel, and she cuts me a wedge.

2. Still very dark.

3. An explosion of orange out of nowhere. And I feel drops of rain. These two things don’t seem like they should go together.

4. This chair. This cup with hot decaf. This gray and moody sky. This quiet.

5. Where did all the time go?

6. So much moving around of words. How else can we say the same thing over and over and over again?

7. “The audacity of self-belief.”

8. I tell them they need to go to bed now. “It’s only 8:30!” they say. Oh, so it is.

9. These knees.

10. Big, big moon.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Fourteen

1. I hear him moving around, but it’s so dark. And I know it’s not quite time for me to get up yet. It feels too early.

2. 3:44 a.m. If I don’t think about how I won’t fall asleep, I will fall asleep.

3. Making time for two meditations.

4. The perfect foggy October morning. Spooky season. I start to make a list of all the scary movies I want to watch.

5. The irony of the follow.

6. Pineapple does make my tongue hurt.

7. And with that, I think it’s time to pack up and head home.

8. A more comfortable evening in the gym.

9. It’s best to deal with the decision-makers first.

10. Two pot pies are not enough.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Thirteen

1. It feels extra dark this morning, but he’s already awake so I don’t have to be as quiet.

2. The fog is so thick you can scoop it with your hands. I look for the trees with the changing leaves-oaks, mostly.

3. Something for nothing.

4. It sounds like something is erupting. Not the washing machine. Not the dishwasher. I see the water coming from underneath the kitchen sink. I run to the back door and yell for him to come back.

5. The last bit of tomato soup.

6. Always water with us.

7. Twenty-one days.

8. So much happier when I’m home.

9. Chicken pot-pie.

10. Foundations.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Twelve

1. I’ll sleep in today. I’ll let my body rest today.

2. Humid.

3. But there’s always more laundry.

4. Email reconciliation and personal admin with a cup of decaf in the soft morning light.

5. Leftover tomato soup and the last hour of The Birds. Finding it funny how many times they say “Santa Rosa” and how many times I’ve seen this movie I had no idea it was a real place.

6. I watch the leaves dancing along the pavement. They are slightly damp and glittering.

7. Resting my eyes.

8. Almost over this phase.

9. She asks them if they will come to the camera and say hello. I laugh.

10. She says we’re getting a taste of what being an empty nester will feel like. I don’t hate it. But it is weird.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eleven

1. Refreshed.

2. He always asks me if I want water. I always say no. Just too much to hold in my hands while traversing the trail.

3. I can’t find the trail. I can’t see the water towers. I must have missed a turn somewhere. I decide just to go back the way I came.

4. Turkey tail feather.

5. Finally, a cool fall morning for flag football. It’s almost time to start lighting the fireplace.

6. Rosé and Ceasar salad, and polenta bites, and half a chocolate chip macadamia cookie while the skies open up for a light shower.

7. The Birds. She is wearing a fur over a shift dress and paddling in the water; the fashion in these old movies.

8. Tomato soup and grilled cheese kind of night.

9. Breathing room.

10. “Turkey feathers have played a significant role in Native American culture for centuries. They are considered to be powerful symbols of good luck, protection, and strength.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Ten

1. It finally feels like a fall.

2. Finally. Friday.

3. Last test done. Six more hours done. I decide to count how much I complete instead of counting how many more hours are left. The amount of time it takes doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m doing it.

4. Cold potato and leek soup, shrimp risotto, poached nectarines with cream and ginger crumble—I should learn how to make ginger crumble.

5. I sit and stare through the trees on the street below. It feels peaceful right here, right now.

6. It’s only a 45-minute drive. What a relief.

7. I do love the silhouette of mountains in the distance.

8. The first Friday night football game that feels like football season. There is just enough chill in the air, but it’s not too cold and not too damp. The smell of burgers and hotdogs and tri-tip.

9. Can’t watch this field goal attempt.

10. 9-7 win. And done well before midnight this week. Early to bed.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Nine

1. Starting out way ahead.

2. The chill in the air. Crunchy leaves underfoot.

3. An open ear means you become a holder of many secrets.

4. Wait. I learned how to have these kinds of conversations.

5. I can just take a walk.

6. Peppercorn trees and vines emptied of their fruit, and the blue sky streaked with clouds and purple plums on a tree and the house that only had white cars.

7. Tension.

8. Just one more test. Just one more.

9. Give what you can when you can.

10. Who knows if they’re actually listening.

Ten.Two Thousand, Three Hundred & Eight

1. Finally, a cool, foggy morning.

2. Delight in the foam on my decaf.

3. Work-from-home Wednesday is my favorite reset of the week.

4. They say all is good. In this instance, to not pay attention to the news.

5. I think if I do just these three things, it will make all the difference.

6. Semantics.

7. It's not exactly the news I wanted to hear, but it's also not unexpected. At this point, only time will tell.

8. Burrata and cherry tomatoes over a pistachio pesto. Ribeye, mushroom medley, and creamed spinach with a Cabernet jus. Panna Cotta with candied marcona almonds, ginger crumble, and Dolce-poached pears. Clean plate club.

9. 92.04%. Sigh of relief.

10. Don’t give your power away.