Ten.Seven Hundred & Sixty-One

1. Today is his birthday. Something about the way today is doesn’t feel very celebratory. Maybe because it’s a school day. Maybe because, in some ways, I kind of forgot.

2. I head to Sunshine Donuts and grab a half dozen: 2 glazed, 2 chocolate with sprinkles, 2 sugar. Oh, and a croissant.

3. There is still so much work to be done.

4. Each morning in the car I think of the logistics. I let him pick the music and after the youngest two are out of the car we make small talk. I had forgotten how much I enjoy this time with him in the front seat.

5. Except sometimes it takes longer than I think it will.

6. What gets in the way of being able to hear?

7. We place an order for pizza then walk down to the store for salad, ice cream, some candy. He picks everything. My baby is not a baby anymore. I am okay with that. I think I am okay with that.

8. We forgot to eat the salad.

9. I keep thinking of the question he asked me as we drove through the valley, passing by vineyards and ranches and wide open spaces. “What would you name your ranch?” At the time I said I didn’t know, even though the first thing that popped into my mind was Elysium. That word keeps coming back to me over and over again as I try to step into new dreams.

10. Solo. Even though I’ve seen so many of these movies it is hitting me in this moment that everyone can understand one another. What I mean is that there is no creature or machine or man that cannot communicate. Why is it that we are so afraid of that which we cannot understand? What does it take to transform fear into curiosity?