Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Eight
Dark and cold.
I keep forgetting about the pot of boiling water.
We probably shouldn’t know this yet.
Letting go of expectations.
I keep placing the carnelian in my hand, pressing it close to my palm.
Salad and water and honest conversations in the quiet light of my office.
Gratitudes.
“For centuries, the triangle has symbolized leadership.” “You are an overseer, an expediter, a leader, a person of action.” “Your positive traits: leadership, decisiveness, ambition, focused, results-driven, self-motivated.” “Potential pitfalls: impatience, aggressiveness, self-centeredness.”
Baseball in the rain.
Convincing myself that tomorrow will be a fun day even if it will be a long day. It will be fun. It will. It will end with margaritas, after all.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Seven
So cold.
He says “thank you” a lot more these days.
The sun looks like it wants to free itself from the clouds, but will it really do it tomorrow? No. Probably not.
It doesn’t hurt to try.
Since the universe is listening, yes, more of this, please.
At least we can laugh about it.
She can hear it in my voice, I think. She says she will not say anything. It doesn’t really make me feel better, though.
I make my way around the room, cleaning and condensing and stuffing things in my bag to take home. It feels like foreshadowing.
The carnelian has arrived. I place it near my notebook.
I know. I know. I know.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Six
Still cold. Still wet.
Cacao.
Solo drop-offs. I had forgotten how much I enjoy these moments in the morning.
What really matters?
I catch myself rolling my eyes.
This is an honest expression of how I felt.
“What do you feel entitled to?”
Doritos and laughter.
I take him on a tour of parts of the property. He hasn’t seen any of this, but he remembers the barrels. Back then, the walls were made of rough rock. His French accent is very thick. He thanks me for taking the time to show him around. So much has changed.
“He’s nervous.”
If the only thing I get out of this is my friendships, then I still win.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Five
Too cold. Too cold.
Everything is wet from last night’s rain. This does not feel like May.
I could care less about what the comp set is doing. I care more about my real impact. Where can I make the best kind of change?
A turkey crosses the road in front of me. I smile.
I feel my emotions getting the best of me, so I leave the room and take a moment to myself. I know why this is happening. I don’t like that it is happening.
She is the highlight of my day.
Why does it feel weird to say that I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time?
Everything is canceled.
Rose and Orange and Balsam Fir.
Gluten-free pasta and garlic bread. They ask me questions. I tell them not to worry about it. Full.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Four
Cold. What a difference a few days makes.
V8.
I laugh at myself. My math was all wrong. Way off. There are only 58 days now.
A table full of generosity.
He gets it, and I think he gets that I get it. We both get it, and that’s why we get along.
I say something about organizing the files on my computer because if I leave, it will be so embarrassing.
Energetic Properties & Uses of carnelian crystal: increases vitality, humanifestation, ignites creativity, transmutes the element of fire, reconnection to the physical self, risk-taking, courage, and main character energy.
Will it really rain, though?
“It feels like November.”
Too much goodness.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Three
In the dream, people keep telling me that other people are dying.
Today, I return.
Sunlight on my face. I can see it with my eyes closed. I try to quiet my mind and focus on my breath.
So weak. A little bit of pain. Tight muscles.
The question is, “Do I want to wear this?”
I think I just spent $20 on this car wash and I’m doing it all myself.
Windows down. Hot coffee in the mug. Listening to the same songs over and over and over again.
Messages from the cards: I am worth noticing. LIVE! Name your boundaries. Feel the joy of knowing the playground of your life. I will surrender and trust what I am shown. Accept your ability to know what lies ahead. Honor your feminine intuitive side. You have forgotten to seek help. Change your buffalo robe to white so that you may be an answer to the prayers of the world. Don’t deny the need to be compassionate with yourself. Steal some time alone. Don’t waste energy and generosity on those who refuse to help themselves or are too lazy to learn self-reliance.
The most perfect weather for a softball game.
He tells me that they had a meeting yesterday and voted me out. And this is why I enjoy hanging out with them every Sunday.
Aperture Cellars Chenin Blanc.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Two
So grateful for the time change.
Sweeping crumbs of dried leaves and rose petals out of the backseat of the car.
I still can’t believe he thought he could drive this thing.
I am, perhaps, more relaxed than the others today because I know where to set my expectations.
Their enthusiasm is making me even more excited.
It’s so busy here. So many people. So many cars. So many buildings. So different from the peace and quiet of St. Helena. I think back to last week when I said that things are so hard right now, but still, I am in love with this life I’ve manifested here.
Asleep in the backseat. Three games back-to-back-to-back will do that to you.
Just so many words.
Trust yourself.
I need a carwash.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-One
Missing the cacao.
We decide that we’d rather have X-ray vision over being able to read minds.
Things happen for a reason.
It is Mercury Retrograde, after all.
Craving comfort.
They keep asking us if we want a ride. No. We want to walk. We really want to walk.
It feels weird in here.
Watching the leaves of the trees, in all their shades of green, flutter in the breeze.
More steak.
I am quiet. My eyes hurt. I am grateful. I am tired. I am staring out over the fences at the trees and the hillsides and the setting sun. I am looking for mosquitos. I am cheering. I am tired. I am thinking about my grandfather and how much he loved baseball. I am tired.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety
Cool morning air.
A fox scurries in front of my car as I make my way down the hill.
“Will you trade places with me?” says another person. I walk in the sun with my coffee in my hand back toward my office.
Enough little things happened this week to make it feel like a big thing which is a reminder that I need to still be on guard in a way that I was hoping was no longer necessary.
All of a sudden, it is hot.
She says that one day we will look back and realize why we were here. And if nothing else, it was for the people we were meant to meet.
You can surrender without losing your power.
It was not what I expected, but it is still a win.
The funny thing is that we were just talking about patience.
“I just keep finding myself staring off today. I can’t seem to focus. Maybe it’s the heat? Maybe there is just something in the air? I’m glad I’m not the only one.”
One slice of pizza from Station and a glass of 2018 Groth Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Nine
Bird chatter.
Thin layer of fog over the course and the first light of the day.
I decide to let my intuition guide me. I find the saucepan, bring the water to a boil, start to whisk in the discs of cacao.
Word spill out onto the pages of my journal.
Time has slowed down.
He points out a gigantic moth on the back door, says he wonders if there is some kind of meaning. Meaning can be found in everything.
I don’t do bad behavior. And maybe this is why I am also not cut out for hospitality. “You can do that?” she asks. “Yes. Because I don’t do business with people who are disrespectful of my time.
Too hot. Must change clothes and refresh for dinner.
I tell the team that this group is good vibes, really chill. It will be an easy night.
In his message, he says to remember that divine feminine as I navigate the next transition.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Eight
What do I need?
I read last night’s report just to make sure I don’t need to be on my toes this morning.
In early for the peace and quiet. And because there’s another baseball game that I’m going to have to leave early for.
Cacao delivery.
I listen to her speak and then do the math in my head. Six days plus thirty-one days plus twenty-eight days. That’s the deadline.
“No,” I say with a smile.
Rides with him in his golf cart are my favorite.
Post-game Vietnamese chicken salad and a glass of rosé and seats away from the children.
This car isn’t in the same place I parked it. I never lock the doors. This is not right. He was in the car. I know it.
Problems happen when you don’t care.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Seven
I take their advice and place my hand on my heart and ask myself what I need for today.
Vitamins.
Something tells me to call her. I want to tell her about all the things yesterday but I really can’t put it all into words.
I just need to get to this appointment.
“Regal.” “Royalty.” “They’re not blocks…but you’re doing a lot of work there.” “Third eye.” “A woman was trying to speak to me. She was beneath the water and I could see her mouth moving but I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying. She couldn’t come all the way through.” “Hungry.”
I back into the car. I even looked at it before I started moving. There is very little damage. So little, you almost can’t see it. Or, at least, I can’t see it. They seem to be more nervous than I am.
Perfect weather for a baseball game.
Not enough time to get it all done.
Gaslighter.
“That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Six
I send her a text at 3 a.m: “Please try to whisper or go to bed.”
No alarm, but up with the sun. At least it’s after 6.
I grab three sausage links. I could eat more, but I will leave some for the kids.
Slow and steady.
This might not have been planned “correctly,” but I’m going no matter what.
Affirmations.
“We are here for miracles.”
The sacredness of the space.
Visions of eagle eyes; the color red; myself in an empty room screaming. The tears come, and there is no stopping them now.
Someone places a heart-shaped stone in my hand.
I take another pill.
Look at this life that I’ve manifested. It is so hard right now, but it is still so beautiful.
To be seen.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Five
Light.
V8. Bacon. The other babka. Coffee.
There is still time, but so much time has passed.
She offers me the glass of rosé once more. She tells me that I don’t have to rush. I make my way toward the swing. It is the most perfect moment of delight. Unplanned Joy.
I catch them on their way back down the hill. These two. I miss them.
“What is going on…” “He doesn’t have a plan.”
Sweating.
We laugh - the three of us - while she finished ringing up his groceries and begins to slide my items closer to her. “Birthdate, hun?” “…the late 1900’s,” I say. We laugh again. “The secret to staying young is to keep moving. All of my friends who retired early are either bored, or dead. But I know I’m getting old because my daughter said she wanted a BBL, and I thought she meant a BBQ Lunch.” We laugh again.
They say they are having a “Barbie” movie marathon. Ok.
Tomorrow.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Four
Let’s walk to work.
But if I’m going to walk to work, I better start wearing different shoes.
My hand reaches right over the decaf pods
A little scattered.
She says I won the office lottery. I did, indeed.
Learning, learning, learning.
“It’s warm,” I say. “April is my favorite month here,” I say. “She just said exactly the same thing.” “That’s why we’re friends.”
We each get a berry freeze because we each know that we really shouldn’t have any dairy.
It’s hot in the sun, but it will cool down quickly once the sun starts to set. Thank goodness for the implementation of a five-run rule per inning.
I knew I’d end up back here.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Three
I can make it work.
Someone is working down at the shop behind reception. I hear the quiet whir of a golf cart not too far away. The way light illuminates the hillsides brings me joy.
I’m just asking for honest conversations.
A little lighter.
Trust yourself.
We tell her that we got lucky with a good day.
Decaf cappuccino with oat milk to keep warm while we sit in the shade.
So many ideas.
Simon Family wine dinner at The Charter Oak. 2021 Tigress. 2020 Golden Ore. 2019 Double Blessings. 2019 Simon Napa Valley. 2019 Simon Reserve. Babkas baked by Maayan’s wife as a gift.
Before I leave, he tells me to never stop doing it - to not let anything stop me from being present for my children. Keep going to everything.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Two
Oh yeah. I need to be there by 6:45 today.
We go up and down and up and down and cannot find the room. I call. “I know that 28 should be between 27 and 29, but we can’t seem to find it,” I say between large gasps for air.
I tell him it’s just the injury. I’m out of shape because of the injury. I am also sweating.
Sometimes you need a day when a stranger showers you with affirmations.
Good thing I brought the camera.
This weather.
The reason she keeps mentioning it is because I mentioned it, and now it must be addressed. But it doesn’t even matter anymore. Not really. Does it?
I count the hours. "It’s been 8 hours and I haven’t eaten lunch so yeah, I’m done for the day.”
Head-first dive into home. I’m glad I came. I am always glad I come. Why would I miss this? Four years will go by so quickly.
Spring sunsets. I hope this feeling of awe and gratitude never goes away.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-One
The sun. Of course.
But still a blessing in disguise. Today will still be easier and simpler, and I’ll be able to make it to my son’s baseball game.
Chill.
Never again.
Mission accomplished.
The problem is that once you’ve made it on the list, you can’t really get yourself off of the list.
But let’s just get to the point.
I take the recognition as a sign from the universe that what is percolating underneath is indeed where I should focus my attention.
Cold, cold, cold.
I’d rather be here.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty
The fog is low and thick. This doesn’t look good for tomorrow.
But it wouldn’t be the worst thing.
They call me before I call them. It’s the right choice, even if inconvenient.
I eat the whole plate - quickly. Stress eating? Maybe. Just hungry? Most likely. 2020 Sandlands Red Table Wine.
I could just lay here under my desk, and no one would know if I am taking nap.
The goal today is to breathe, take it slow, not let the anxiety of others push me into unaligned behaviors.
Daydreams.
Another cup of decaf.
I increase my speed, look straight out at the horizon. The sun is breaking through clouds, casting a golden hue on the green hillsides. Through the haze, I can still see a blue sky. My eye follows the ragged shape of the range stretched out before. A silent prayer of gratitude for the beauty that surrounds me.
At least, in the end, I will come away from this with a few good friendships.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Seventy - Nine
I don’t want to wake up.
Early game. Sneaking across the foyer in my slippers, trying to keep quiet.
Ultralight beam.
I miss her first at-bat trying to make a meal plan and grocery list.
It is windy, but the sun is out, and the warmth of the sun feels good. Blue skies.
I text her back to say that I am slow to respond because I am overwhelmed by their generosity.
This burger better be worth the wait.
Celery juice.
Two cars in the driveway. One of them is the Porsche I remember from a month ago. I tell them not to go over there because they will get pushed into the oven. “They just gave me weird vibes, that’s all.”
The power comes from the legs.