Ten.Two Thousand & Three
I ask myself what I need today. Patience and positivity, I say to myself.
I am writing this sentence and the matrix wants to tell me that I can now have AI assist me with writing this list.
Bright sun.
I bring my collection of feathers down to my desk in front of the window.
I tell him that he has so much more life left, so many more opportunities to ride shotgun. As soon as I finish the sentence, I realize that that’s not true. Nothing is guaranteed.
He tells me he left a gift for me on my desk. On my desk, inside the bag are freshly laid eggs from his hens. I don’t know if there is a gift I can ever give him that will represent what this relationship has meant to me.
They keep talking. 49 days.
Seated at the table, underneath the cover of trees, I unwrap the foil and squeeze lime juice over my tacos. I am downloading the meeting when in the distance, I see a person practicing tai chi in an open field. I want to be more like him.
More truth.
Everything is possible.
Ten.Two Thousand & Two
Tuesday.
Beyonce stations while I sip on my morning drink and power through emails.
Or I could say what I want and need, and maybe, just maybe, I will get it.
I say all the things out loud, and it does sound like a lot.
Well, of course, I need to come. How could I not?
How would I do this if I were on my own? Community.
Is it really just radical honesty? Everyone knows that there is nothing to lose.
I apologize for not having time to talk with them. I promise I will make time tomorrow. They promise they will come and find me.
These are all such juicy dreams.
Double. Double. Blue skies and whispy clouds. Mountains. Kids ducking under barbed wire? Buster’s BBQ.
Ten.Two Thousand & One
Yes. It’s the right move.
Is that the sound of animals scurrying on the roof, or is it rain? It’s rain. Was it supposed to rain?
Work from home day. Quiet.
Read the energy.
This is what I miss - the sense of freedom.
I try to call the doctors’ offices during my lunch break, but the offices are also on their lunch breaks which means that I never actually get to schedule my appointments. Also: I’d like to work somewhere where the lunch break is two hours long.
I tell them that they don’t have to apologize. They aren’t telling me anything that I haven’t already figured out for myself.
Physiological breath.
The duality of being.
Boots and champagne and trail walking. Someone has left a map on the ground. I trust that I know how to get to where I want to go.
Ten.Two Thousand
Going somewhere where I really feel like sweatpants are completely acceptable.
I run through various scenarios in my head. I do not apologize in any of them.
Hot air balloons.
There are still forty-nine minutes to go.
Girls’ games on court five. I watch and analyze and cheer more than the parents on the makeshift bleachers.
Hungry but not for gym pretzels and muffins.
In-n-Out.
I open my eyes and see nothing but rows and rows of trees. Almond trees? Green trees in perfect rows and blue skies with puffy clouds and Kendrick Lamar playing quietly.
One week or three? He chooses three, naturally.
Something has to change.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Nine
Almost to 2,000 of these.
Cacao in the mug for the ride into the city.
I am the first one in the gym. I reread the speaker lineup. This will be good.
I realize very quickly that I might be the one with the least amount of experience here. Coach Carr says to always be ready because you never know when it will be your turn to lead a program. I tell her at lunch that two years ago, I was just another mom in town.
“Basketball is a game of infinite possibilities.”
I duck out early, regrettably.
The sun is shining now. I make my way slowly over the Golden Gate Bridge, take a quick glance at Alcatraz sitting out there in the blue ocean, surrounded by white sailboats. We do live in a beautiful place. Such a beautiful place.
Margaritas.
I tell them that this event is kind of an introvert’s worst nightmare, but it’s still a good time.
You do want to win.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Eight
Dark and cold.
I keep forgetting about the pot of boiling water.
We probably shouldn’t know this yet.
Letting go of expectations.
I keep placing the carnelian in my hand, pressing it close to my palm.
Salad and water and honest conversations in the quiet light of my office.
Gratitudes.
“For centuries, the triangle has symbolized leadership.” “You are an overseer, an expediter, a leader, a person of action.” “Your positive traits: leadership, decisiveness, ambition, focused, results-driven, self-motivated.” “Potential pitfalls: impatience, aggressiveness, self-centeredness.”
Baseball in the rain.
Convincing myself that tomorrow will be a fun day even if it will be a long day. It will be fun. It will. It will end with margaritas, after all.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Seven
So cold.
He says “thank you” a lot more these days.
The sun looks like it wants to free itself from the clouds, but will it really do it tomorrow? No. Probably not.
It doesn’t hurt to try.
Since the universe is listening, yes, more of this, please.
At least we can laugh about it.
She can hear it in my voice, I think. She says she will not say anything. It doesn’t really make me feel better, though.
I make my way around the room, cleaning and condensing and stuffing things in my bag to take home. It feels like foreshadowing.
The carnelian has arrived. I place it near my notebook.
I know. I know. I know.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Six
Still cold. Still wet.
Cacao.
Solo drop-offs. I had forgotten how much I enjoy these moments in the morning.
What really matters?
I catch myself rolling my eyes.
This is an honest expression of how I felt.
“What do you feel entitled to?”
Doritos and laughter.
I take him on a tour of parts of the property. He hasn’t seen any of this, but he remembers the barrels. Back then, the walls were made of rough rock. His French accent is very thick. He thanks me for taking the time to show him around. So much has changed.
“He’s nervous.”
If the only thing I get out of this is my friendships, then I still win.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Five
Too cold. Too cold.
Everything is wet from last night’s rain. This does not feel like May.
I could care less about what the comp set is doing. I care more about my real impact. Where can I make the best kind of change?
A turkey crosses the road in front of me. I smile.
I feel my emotions getting the best of me, so I leave the room and take a moment to myself. I know why this is happening. I don’t like that it is happening.
She is the highlight of my day.
Why does it feel weird to say that I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time?
Everything is canceled.
Rose and Orange and Balsam Fir.
Gluten-free pasta and garlic bread. They ask me questions. I tell them not to worry about it. Full.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Four
Cold. What a difference a few days makes.
V8.
I laugh at myself. My math was all wrong. Way off. There are only 58 days now.
A table full of generosity.
He gets it, and I think he gets that I get it. We both get it, and that’s why we get along.
I say something about organizing the files on my computer because if I leave, it will be so embarrassing.
Energetic Properties & Uses of carnelian crystal: increases vitality, humanifestation, ignites creativity, transmutes the element of fire, reconnection to the physical self, risk-taking, courage, and main character energy.
Will it really rain, though?
“It feels like November.”
Too much goodness.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Three
In the dream, people keep telling me that other people are dying.
Today, I return.
Sunlight on my face. I can see it with my eyes closed. I try to quiet my mind and focus on my breath.
So weak. A little bit of pain. Tight muscles.
The question is, “Do I want to wear this?”
I think I just spent $20 on this car wash and I’m doing it all myself.
Windows down. Hot coffee in the mug. Listening to the same songs over and over and over again.
Messages from the cards: I am worth noticing. LIVE! Name your boundaries. Feel the joy of knowing the playground of your life. I will surrender and trust what I am shown. Accept your ability to know what lies ahead. Honor your feminine intuitive side. You have forgotten to seek help. Change your buffalo robe to white so that you may be an answer to the prayers of the world. Don’t deny the need to be compassionate with yourself. Steal some time alone. Don’t waste energy and generosity on those who refuse to help themselves or are too lazy to learn self-reliance.
The most perfect weather for a softball game.
He tells me that they had a meeting yesterday and voted me out. And this is why I enjoy hanging out with them every Sunday.
Aperture Cellars Chenin Blanc.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-Two
So grateful for the time change.
Sweeping crumbs of dried leaves and rose petals out of the backseat of the car.
I still can’t believe he thought he could drive this thing.
I am, perhaps, more relaxed than the others today because I know where to set my expectations.
Their enthusiasm is making me even more excited.
It’s so busy here. So many people. So many cars. So many buildings. So different from the peace and quiet of St. Helena. I think back to last week when I said that things are so hard right now, but still, I am in love with this life I’ve manifested here.
Asleep in the backseat. Three games back-to-back-to-back will do that to you.
Just so many words.
Trust yourself.
I need a carwash.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety-One
Missing the cacao.
We decide that we’d rather have X-ray vision over being able to read minds.
Things happen for a reason.
It is Mercury Retrograde, after all.
Craving comfort.
They keep asking us if we want a ride. No. We want to walk. We really want to walk.
It feels weird in here.
Watching the leaves of the trees, in all their shades of green, flutter in the breeze.
More steak.
I am quiet. My eyes hurt. I am grateful. I am tired. I am staring out over the fences at the trees and the hillsides and the setting sun. I am looking for mosquitos. I am cheering. I am tired. I am thinking about my grandfather and how much he loved baseball. I am tired.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Ninety
Cool morning air.
A fox scurries in front of my car as I make my way down the hill.
“Will you trade places with me?” says another person. I walk in the sun with my coffee in my hand back toward my office.
Enough little things happened this week to make it feel like a big thing which is a reminder that I need to still be on guard in a way that I was hoping was no longer necessary.
All of a sudden, it is hot.
She says that one day we will look back and realize why we were here. And if nothing else, it was for the people we were meant to meet.
You can surrender without losing your power.
It was not what I expected, but it is still a win.
The funny thing is that we were just talking about patience.
“I just keep finding myself staring off today. I can’t seem to focus. Maybe it’s the heat? Maybe there is just something in the air? I’m glad I’m not the only one.”
One slice of pizza from Station and a glass of 2018 Groth Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Nine
Bird chatter.
Thin layer of fog over the course and the first light of the day.
I decide to let my intuition guide me. I find the saucepan, bring the water to a boil, start to whisk in the discs of cacao.
Word spill out onto the pages of my journal.
Time has slowed down.
He points out a gigantic moth on the back door, says he wonders if there is some kind of meaning. Meaning can be found in everything.
I don’t do bad behavior. And maybe this is why I am also not cut out for hospitality. “You can do that?” she asks. “Yes. Because I don’t do business with people who are disrespectful of my time.
Too hot. Must change clothes and refresh for dinner.
I tell the team that this group is good vibes, really chill. It will be an easy night.
In his message, he says to remember that divine feminine as I navigate the next transition.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Eight
What do I need?
I read last night’s report just to make sure I don’t need to be on my toes this morning.
In early for the peace and quiet. And because there’s another baseball game that I’m going to have to leave early for.
Cacao delivery.
I listen to her speak and then do the math in my head. Six days plus thirty-one days plus twenty-eight days. That’s the deadline.
“No,” I say with a smile.
Rides with him in his golf cart are my favorite.
Post-game Vietnamese chicken salad and a glass of rosé and seats away from the children.
This car isn’t in the same place I parked it. I never lock the doors. This is not right. He was in the car. I know it.
Problems happen when you don’t care.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Seven
I take their advice and place my hand on my heart and ask myself what I need for today.
Vitamins.
Something tells me to call her. I want to tell her about all the things yesterday but I really can’t put it all into words.
I just need to get to this appointment.
“Regal.” “Royalty.” “They’re not blocks…but you’re doing a lot of work there.” “Third eye.” “A woman was trying to speak to me. She was beneath the water and I could see her mouth moving but I couldn’t quite hear what she was saying. She couldn’t come all the way through.” “Hungry.”
I back into the car. I even looked at it before I started moving. There is very little damage. So little, you almost can’t see it. Or, at least, I can’t see it. They seem to be more nervous than I am.
Perfect weather for a baseball game.
Not enough time to get it all done.
Gaslighter.
“That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Six
I send her a text at 3 a.m: “Please try to whisper or go to bed.”
No alarm, but up with the sun. At least it’s after 6.
I grab three sausage links. I could eat more, but I will leave some for the kids.
Slow and steady.
This might not have been planned “correctly,” but I’m going no matter what.
Affirmations.
“We are here for miracles.”
The sacredness of the space.
Visions of eagle eyes; the color red; myself in an empty room screaming. The tears come, and there is no stopping them now.
Someone places a heart-shaped stone in my hand.
I take another pill.
Look at this life that I’ve manifested. It is so hard right now, but it is still so beautiful.
To be seen.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Five
Light.
V8. Bacon. The other babka. Coffee.
There is still time, but so much time has passed.
She offers me the glass of rosé once more. She tells me that I don’t have to rush. I make my way toward the swing. It is the most perfect moment of delight. Unplanned Joy.
I catch them on their way back down the hill. These two. I miss them.
“What is going on…” “He doesn’t have a plan.”
Sweating.
We laugh - the three of us - while she finished ringing up his groceries and begins to slide my items closer to her. “Birthdate, hun?” “…the late 1900’s,” I say. We laugh again. “The secret to staying young is to keep moving. All of my friends who retired early are either bored, or dead. But I know I’m getting old because my daughter said she wanted a BBL, and I thought she meant a BBQ Lunch.” We laugh again.
They say they are having a “Barbie” movie marathon. Ok.
Tomorrow.
Ten.One Thousand, Nine Hundred & Eighty-Four
Let’s walk to work.
But if I’m going to walk to work, I better start wearing different shoes.
My hand reaches right over the decaf pods
A little scattered.
She says I won the office lottery. I did, indeed.
Learning, learning, learning.
“It’s warm,” I say. “April is my favorite month here,” I say. “She just said exactly the same thing.” “That’s why we’re friends.”
We each get a berry freeze because we each know that we really shouldn’t have any dairy.
It’s hot in the sun, but it will cool down quickly once the sun starts to set. Thank goodness for the implementation of a five-run rule per inning.
I knew I’d end up back here.