Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eleven

1. Work-from-home Friday.

2. Sometimes, I feel a little guilty about it.

3. He forgot the syllabus.

4. Coffee with the principal. I think the theme of the morning is “refreshing.”

5. What in the world is going on here?

6. He forgot his socks.

7. No, she wasn’t joking.

8. I had forgotten about the late afternoon sun and these metal bleachers and the unrelenting heat.

9. Freaking out.

10. It’s going to be a fun season.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Ten

1. Thursday.

2. Can tell it’s going to be a warm day. Something about the clarity of this morning’s sky.

3. At least it will be a fun day. There is that. I am grateful for that.

4. Learn something new each time we do one of these.

5. Staring out across the vineyard. Eating grapes off the vine. Standing in the shade as the breeze comes through and the neighbor’s dog barks. Right where I want to be.

6. Maybe this is the right moment to reign the conversation in.

7. If one of our worst attributes is telling too much truth, then I’m okay with that.

8. She tells me she thinks I would be good at running these with them. I don’t disagree. I tell her that we tried to make it work.

9. Nurse Ratched gives him a lobotomy.

10. Wait. A whole two hours alone in the house. I listen to the school board meeting while I clean the bathrooms.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Nine

1. Wednesday whites.

2. He asks for blueberry muffins. Insists that I have enough time to make them. I line the muffin tin and begin.

3. Reclaiming my time.

4. They bring out a mariachi band as a surprise.

5. Sandwiches and truthtelling and laughter.

6. Research and development.

7. Always waiting.

8. I listen to her talk about the flowers, and how she wants to hug the bees, and how the rock is a good place for eating a snack.

9. Watching the last few minutes of football practice while sitting in an air-conditioned car.

10. Not in a hurry, but ready.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seven

1. Attention.

2. Green juice and a sweet apple with creamy peanut butter.

3. Caged.

4. Of course, we’re moving the meeting again. Nothing surprising here.

5. Harvest toast. A little champagne in the sun is a good way to start the day.

6. Snack cabinet.

7. “Nothing from me today.” I’ve never had to say that so many times.

8. I really should be going, but I feel like I can’t, and that is a problem.

9. At least I have her.

10. These evenings at the table. Pure gold.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Six

1. Monday.

2. Work-from-home Monday.

3. I dress slowly, make the coffee slowly, cut up my apple slowly.

4. Is it silly that I still want to drop them off and pick them up every day? I say that I can’t wait until he can drive himself - drive all of them. But that probably won’t be true when the time actually comes.

5. Everyone keeps asking me how the school year is going and I’m afraid to say how it really is because I don’t want to jinx it.

6. Small, tedious things.

7. I tell her that I think I’m the kind of person who needs a lot to do in order to be productive. I am too bored.

8. A cooler night for practice.

9. 7:00 p.m. is the new dinner time.

10. At some point, it has to stop.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Five

1. Slow Sunday.

2. I lay in bed and make the meal plan, the grocery list. Determined to eat a real meal every evening this week.

3. Too early for the Sunday Scaries.

4. You can feel the next transition in the air. You can tell by the color of the light.

5. I tell her that I think I need a nap. I’ve had too many late nights in a row.

6. Samosas and old seasons of Ru Paul’s Drag Race.

7. I tell her that if she’s in the gifting mood, I’ll take another large Lego set. I need something to do.

8. Pizza next door. We’re told to bring nothing, but I carry a vase of flowers through the door.

9. If only this were a Saturday night.

10. Tomorrow.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Four

1. Meant to turn the alarm off.

2. Slivers of golden light filling the room.

3. Weak. But this arm has been trouble lately, so I’m not surprised.

4. This is not an estate sale. This is not a garage sale. So very disappointing.

5. Four copies of The Phantom Tollbooth. Pandemic buy.

6. Schedules and times and spreadsheets. Order today, ease tomorrow.

7. Black dress. Need heels.

8. I choose a bottle of 2022 Orixe Sotela Nebola. He asks me how last weekend’s dinner went. I tell him I’m on my way to another one.

9. What a really small world.

10. The stars in these skies.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Three

1. Friday. For real.

2. Water, water, water.

3. I talk myself through all of the hypotheticals. I could be overthinking it. I could be not thinking enough. I might be paranoid. I might be spot on.

4. Sweating.

5. Two hours and ten minutes.

6. Weirder and weirder.

7. Compressed melon salad with prosciutto and gazpacho and picpoul.

8. The pressure, the pressure. Sweating.

9. Flip-flops on turf are probably not a great idea.

10. I watch the colors of the sky change as the minutes tick down on the clock. Back to Friday night lights. Everything is different, and yet it all still feels the same.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Two

1. Thursday. Almost like a Friday.

2. A list of gratitudes to push away the worries.

3. Arrival routine: Carry bags upstairs; turn on the computer; take refillable cups downstairs - one for water and one for the newly-appreciated decaffeinated green tea; come back upstairs and make your list of to-dos and meetings; scan emails; wait for her call or call her and begin your day with some laughter.

4. Water, water, water.

5. Weirder and weirder.

6. At least, maybe, I might be excited about something again.

7. He laughs at us for wearing sweaters in our office when it’s 100 degrees outside.

8. I tell her that I know how to keep a secret. She says she knows.

9. They share a thought. I tell them I thought the same thing. I’m glad it wasn’t my imagination.

10. Football Family Cookout. It’s going to be a fun year.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & One

1. In the dream, they are at my front door crying, sobbing, telling me that their father has died and they do not know what to do.

2. Thursday.

3. I deliver the book to her door and pick up the one she left for me. Isn’t this a treat?

4. I tell her that so far, everything is going so well. They all sit next to one another without any complaint. Everything is so good. I don’t want to jinx it.

5. Whoa, wait. What?

6. Exactly the same as every other time.

7. What. A. Mess.

8. He says he will not forget us.

9. We eat cupcakes and drink champagne and describe our favorite episodes of “The Twilight Zone.” This was a good idea.

10. At least we have each other.

Ten.Two Thousand One Hundred

1. I still need to remind myself what day it is.

2. It’s already hot.

3. Things were not as they seemed. That is a good thing.

4. We talk about his upcoming trip and the Barbie movie, and the poem she wrote.

5. Or maybe they are. I listen but try not to look like I’m listening too closely. I can’t differentiate between the quirky way in which he talks and his nervousness. My gut tells me it’s his nerves.

6. It’s a bit anticlimactic, unfortunately.

7. We make a few stops on our way back. The extra time feels like a gift. I don’t really have anywhere to be.

8. I tell her I’m not sure if it’s still Covid brain or life, or maybe it’s just that I don’t care anymore, but I feel like I have no more creativity left.

9. I tell him that the day was just weird. That everything is getting worse.

10. They don’t get it.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Nine

1. Work-from-home Monday. No coffee.

2. But I think about her being in the office all alone, and I wonder if it’s a good idea after all - even though I know it’s better for me mentally.

3. Something must change.

4. He asks me about my list blogging. I tell him I’m just on an Instagram break, but it’s here. It’s always here. I sometimes forget how many people read this thing.

5. It’s the season of football hoodie. But the hood is not up anymore. Things are changing.

6. I can’t tell them what my real plans are for the day.

7. 11? What happened to 17? His answer is logical: there is no 17 in any other sport he plays. So 11 it is? Eleven it is.

8. She calls me and tells me things that also make me concerned, but my job is to try to maintain a sense of calm. What I really want to tell her is that it’s time to run.

9. He (rightly) tells them I’m unavailable for more volunteer positions.

10. The Mandalorian lego is done! And it shoots projectiles.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Eight

1. Don’t want to get up.

2. Struggling. That tightness in the clavicle and the numbness in my elbow. Yoga is hard today.

3. Meal plan drudgery.

4. The sun is already coming out.

5. “What happened to the mirror?” “What?” Must have been the carwash.

6. I don’t want to do anything, and I am trying not to feel bad about it.

7. No work.

8. Mandalorian time. This looks more fun to him now.

9. Six instead of seven.

10. School night. Phone retrieval. Not too much fighting about it.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Seven

1. Football practice.

2. Sweatshirt and jeans and a Yeti of coffee. Foggy and overcast skies. The feeling of turf underfoot.

3. Cleaning, cleaning, more cleaning.

4. I love this home.

5. I move things with my mind. That could go there, and this should be here, and maybe we add one more over there. My body is too tired to do it, though.

6. Where is she?

7. I want to scream and throw things. This is not about this, but about other “this”s. I think of what can be done. I slide my feet into the sandals and walk a loop. It helps a little.

8. I grab the Mandolorian lego kit and sit on the floor of my bedroom and decide that this will help but I am missing two pieces. I can’t go any further.

9. Traditional Ethiopian food. 2011 Trimbach Gewurtztraminer. Pound cake with a fig compote. I tell her that next time, I’ll make macaroni and cheese.

10. Way past my bedtime.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Six

1. Friday from home.

2. This feels more like it.

3. I make a coffee that I don’t drink. That short little stint is over.

4. I gather the data and get excited about what we might be able to do with this information. If only I could do more of this.

5. What am I doing this weekend? Going to football practice.

6. There are things that just don’t make sense, and maybe it’s not my job to make it all make sense.

7. I miss this.

8. I am tired. Too tired to do all of the things I meant to do after the “real” work. I remind myself that it is okay to rest.

9. Tomorrow.

10. I know what I need.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Five

1. Second day. Let’s try it again.

2. Extra time.

3. Customary cup of coffee for morning drop off even though I know I won’t drink any of it.

4. “Create the structure you need.”

5. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am alone in the office. I turn on her yoga playlist and contemplate laying on the floor until the next person comes in.

6. I remember there is something to look forward to today.

7. I’m glad it’s not just me.

8. Vietnamese chicken salad, but where is the chicken? At least there is a breeze.

9. A sign of hope? Maybe?

10. The second agreement: Don’t take anything personally.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Four

1. I can’t remember the details of the dream, only that I needed to do something.

2. First day. First day.

3. I open the can of cinnamon rolls, and it doesn’t just pop. It bursts. Sticky cinnamon crumbs splatter across the front of my white dress.

4. Still feeling unprepared.

5. Look at these faces. Another year. Another stairstep photo in the trees.

6. “It’s your favorite day,” she says. “I literally was about to say that.”

7. “Whose number is this?”

8. His energy is just always different when he’s had a good day, and today, even though he had to go to school, he definitely had a good day.

9. This back-and-forth is too much.

10. They are coming while I am going.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Three

1. Tomorrow is the first day of school.

2. How is all of this going to work? We’ll make a way someway.

3. The back of the golf cart is a different experience. More like a ride. The cool morning air slips through the opening of my blazer.

4. Late.

5. Distracted by all of the things.

6. Most of parenthood is logistics management. Who needs to be where when, and how will they get there, and how much will it cost?

7. What would be ideal?

8. She says it was nice; it was worth it.

9. All of this year has been like this.

10. Back to school.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-Two

1. Monday.

2. A work-from-home morning walk.

3. It’s already so warm that I need to ditch the jacket.

4. Her. Her face and her smile and the ways her eyes twinkle. For having the space to do some truth-telling.

5. I tell her that this is one of the reasons I need a little bit more freedom. To be able to prioritize walks like these.

6. I survive the mall and buy everyone a cup of mall pretzels.

7. Waiting for emails.

8. Everyone looks so good in the pictures. Our first real family photo ever. Only took 15 years.

9. I see a little bit of a smile on his face.

10. School starts in two days.

Ten.Two Thousand & Ninety-One

1. I know what I need to do.

2. Stomach pain. Last night’s pasta?

3. The downside of being underneath all of these trees.

4. Water and morning pages. All the thoughts. I decide that yes, we should go to the beach today.

5. PB & J - light on the J.

6. I love the cues nature gives you to let you know you are entering another landscape, a new adventure.

7. The line to park at the beach is about a mile long. We watch people turn their cars around; get out of their car and try to see how much further until they get to the beach; park in the neighborhoods and walk down the hill with all of their things, stopping to pick up whatever has fallen off the cart.

8. It was worth the wait.

9. I burn my thighs walking up the sand dune. I want a different view.

10. Yes. Worth the wait.