Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Where is the dinging coming from?

2. I stop by his classroom for a quick chat. He asks me if I’m here for the site meeting. Yes. “You do everything,” he says with a laugh. Yeah, I do.

3. I wish I had brought my tea.

4. I develop a plan for our plan. We just need to make it happen.

5. The strange glow of white light as the sun tries to break through the dense fog.

6. It was not as bad as I thought it would be.

7. Time is both slow and fast. I feel as though I’m missing something.

8. I can see the change.

9. Nine. And one is new, raw. But teachable. We can make room for them.

10. Trust yourself.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Not ready.

2. Thank goodness it’s Monday.

3. He’s still sleeping. I hand them all plates of blueberry cake and give the big one a glass of orange juice, too. I walk on the wet asphalt with my slippers and throw my purse into the back seat.

4. He warns me that it’s decaf. I tell him I know.

5. What do you do with the kids who have the capacity but not the initiative? No answer.

6. Crossing things off.

7. I’m going to be late. I can’t let myself be too upset about it now.

8. I just need to trust my gut.

9. They are saying things, but I’m distracted by the thick streaks of pink-orange clouds bursting through the sky. “It’s just carbon,” he says. “I know. But it’s still beautiful.”

10. Funny, yet sad.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Work-from-home Friday.

2. I know I have things sitting on the printer tray at work, but I’m not going in for that.

3. Thick fog weaving itself through the trees. A singular white light across the way.

4. It’s soon. So soon.

5. Toinght’s drive will not be so bad.

6. The competing feelings of contraction and expansion. I am bigger than this, and yet, I feel too contained.

7. But what is it that you really want?

8. Snack shack popcorn while sitting on a cold bleacher. This is the turning point in the weather. The first Friday night where some hot hands or gloves are needed.

9. Noticeably less screaming today. It’s almost laughable.

10. How is it already 1:00 a.m.?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Slightly warmer day.

2. Decaf with a little bit of almond milk.

3. She says “third eye” and I know she is my kind of person.

4. I tell her it just feels good to know that it’s not just us feeling this way.

5. Conversations like these.

6. I tell her I feel like I’ve done something wrong even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

7. No saws or beeping cherrypickers today. Light work for them. Light work for me.

8. Unnecessary drama of it all.

9. Pulled pork, macaroni and cheese, coleslaw. He’s going to miss team dinners when the season is over. Can’t beleive the season is almost over.

10. Halloween Baking Championship.

Ten.Two Thousand,One Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Must get up.

2. Not enough time to make the biscuits. He settles for waffles instead.

3. You’ve got to be kidding me.

4. The silence kills me. I keep moving through the items.

5. These forty-five minute chats once a week are everything.

6. “With all due respect.”

7. One tiny brown leaf floating down to my windshield.

8. A cracked chromebook screen.

9. Bored.

10. Twenty minutes in the dark. Still warm enough to break a sweat. Sliver of a moon. Silhouettes of mountains. The same came up and down.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Where are my pants?

2. First light.

3. They leave early to get their xrays, him for his chest, her for her thumb.

4. I forgot my lunch.

5. We debrief on yesterday’s meeting and laugh and laugh and laugh.

6. There is no need for us to fight today.

7. I tell her that she’s right: I ask myself that question a lot. If it weren’t for my colleagues, I would have been gone a long time ago.

8. Truthtelling.

9. A few bites of her leftover sushi. No focus. Conversations with people like that will confuse you.

10. Contract signed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty

1. Should have taken the day off.

2. No school, no morning madness.

3. Can I go back under the covers now?

4. I need two screens.

5. The incessant beeping of the cherry picker.

6. The way she makes me laugh.

7. Another meeting where I feel my heart in my throat. I push my index fingers into my temples. I need this to be over.

8. He says he can tell the coaches are angry that he’s sitting out. I tell him I’m proud of him for making a mature decision that takes care of himself. Two weeks is a blip in a high school career - in a life.

9. I’ll know in the morning.

10. Couldn’t it be easier than this?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. This season and the way the air feels different.

2. Yoga in the morning light.

3. A quiet ride down the trail. Too cloudy for the hot air balloons. Smells like harvest.

4. Grocery shopping with no list feels dangerous.

5. I’m just going to put this all in the garage, and we’ll figure out the garage later. But for now, breathing room.

6. I tell him he must get the missing English done. He scrolls through, and I see a B. B! I say nothing, but on the inside, I want to explode.

7. Warmer than I expected.

8. We finish up the rest of the film. Outpacing last year; just might reach the goal.

9. Positivity only.

10. Only a few more months until Christmas.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. So, so tired. Only mildly sore.

2. Hot tea, slow movement.

3. Haircut time. I remember to grab the special glasses off the counter.

4. The clouds are thick and obscuring the sun, but just as we make the curve to head down the mountain, the clouds break. Glassed on. We stare at the ring of fire for a few minutes.

5. Awe.

6. I think they won.

7. Leftover love.

8. Rewatching with no sound.

9. I see a clip of her story. Looks like they will make the best of it and rest in Italy.

10. Quiet.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Work-from-home Friday.

2. I can breathe.

3. Decaf. A few moments of quiet on the deck as the sun rises.

4. We remember not to take that trail. The path is wide and uneven, rocky. You begin by immediately walking up a steep hill. I am not as out of breath as last time. I tell her I’ve been walking almost every day now. Up to 2 miles most days. After work or whenever I can squeeze it in.

5. Camarones al Mojo de Ajo.

6. We chat about nothing and everything, and that is what helps the days go by.

7. One day, I will miss the smell of her mass-produced teenage-scented candles.

8. As we make our way over Howell Mountain and into Pope Valley, I think of the upcoming season and the impending bus rides.

9. I hate this place.

10. He gets in the car, and he does more than sigh. He talks. He says the coach said he’s looking forward to seeing him grow over the next few years.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. The soft light of morning breaking through the trees.

2. Trying to listen for footsteps. Who is awake?

3. Decaf in the French press.

4. Unpacking the snack delivery.

5. She calls me to check in. I hadn’t called her yet like I usually do. I love that we have that routine…that when we break it, it feels unnatural.

6. No construction.

7. I doubt I will see them today. It’s laughable, really.

8. “Taking it one day at a time.”

9. This is not sustainable.

10. It is later than usual, and the sun is beginning to set. Pink clouds and soft skies. Silhouettes of hillsides and mountain tops. Look at all the beauty.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Cool. Cold. Comfortable.

2. I brush my teeth and work and rework sentences in my head.

3. Sometimes I forget that I just shouldn’t say anything.

4. Winter whites. A mug without a lid while doing drop-offs.

5. I hear my voice shaking, feel my body shaking. I know that I am not yelling because I am not a yeller, but I know it’s clear that I’ve lost my cool. They don’t care. That’s really all it is. They don’t care.

6. Feeling sick to my stomach. I try to spiral back up instead of down.

7. I don’t say anything. I just head straight to my room, change my clothes, grab my earbuds, and leave.

8. I walk over in my slippers to give her the update.

9. 153/100.

10. I am comfortable and safe and fed and warm, and there is really nothing to be afraid of. Anything that feels too large to hold can be addressed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. The perfect kind of fall morning: cool air coming through the windows, the quiet, the slow return of the light.

2. Laundry instead of morning pages.

3. I check my work phone and see no text message. I will wait.

4. Let’s reword this and soften the edges.

5. Today, all of the construction noise feels extra loud. So loud, I keep putting my hands to my ears.

6. Rain clouds.

7. Every time I walk up the stairs, I look through the glass doors into his dark office.

8. Finally, a text comes through. I walk down the stairs to deliver the message. He clearly doesn’t understand what I am saying. No sympathy, no compassion. I feel my anger rising. Why do I need to keep repeating myself? Figure it out.

9. Six girls. Two more than last week. Six more than a year ago.

10. They lost by three points. “It’s okay. They will beat them in the tournament when they get to high school,” I say.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. At least there is only one kid to take to school today.

2. Tumbler from the hippy lady playing God music in her garage.

3. I’m telling her what I was told, and we’re trying to figure out what it means or how they meant it.

4. So many lies in so little time.

5. We test my cuff, and it is, of course, very high. She does a manual reading, places her stethoscope against the crease of my elbow. She is only a few numbers off the machine reading. We decide it’s close enough to use as a monitor for the upcoming weeks.

6. Greek salad.

7. First in his group; 39th out of 712. Never ceases to amaze me.

8. I am standing in between the stacks, head tilted, reading the spines. Out the corner of my eye I see the library walk by. She backpeddles and reminds me that I have a book on hold. I am startled at first but then realize she must recognize me from the article.

9. Already sweating.

10. I would like to be sitting across from her again, digging my spoon into her apple crisp.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. A Tuesday that feels like a Monday.

2. She says she’s not feeling well. I am annoyed.

3. She takes my blood pressure three times - twice with the machine and once by hand to confirm. I hear the Physician’s Assistant exclaiming. I know that it’s high, the highest I’ve ever seen, but I’ve never heard anyone get that upset.

4. “What’s going on?” So much is going on, but I don’t think this is the place, nor do we have enough time. I need to come back in two weeks.

5. I know the things that need to be done. I just need to take the time to do them.

6. A text message with a positive Covid test.

7. A text message that another child threw up and is being picked up from school.

8. A steady flow.

9. It is clear to me that there is some kind of narrative being spun, and it is based on lies. I tell her how she said to me on the phone before this all happened that sometimes “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.”

10. I miss The Dolphin House.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-One

1. The first light creeping through the lacy curtains.

2. I don’t want to leave my friends. This is the first and only thing I am thinking when I open my eyes.

3. Salami and cheese and fruit for breakfast. Coffee with almond/oat creamer. Looking out at the sky waiting for the fog to back off so I can see the water.

4. We squeeze out another thirty minutes before check-out. Goodbye, Dolphin House.

5. One last meal by the water: open-face BLT with sweet, blood-red tomatoes. French fries. Laughter. A few bites of an apple crisp.

6. She says she’s not feeling well and that her one friend has Covid. Here we go again.

7. I head straight to the scissors and the bathroom to begin my hair. It is an excuse for extended quiet time. For more time to process and think and breathe.

8. It’s as if every single thought is trying to squeeze itself into a tiny rectangle right in the front of my brain where it wants to be seen and felt all of the time.

9. I miss my friends.

10. A million gratitudes for all that is and all that wants to be.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty

1. Not ready yet.

2. Someone is already making coffee. I cut up the strawberries and fill my bowl with fruit. I stare out at the gray misty skies and wonder if we will be blessed by sunshine again.

3. Feelings that I can’t describe.

4. I try to make the words come, but they don’t. It’s okay. The words coming from their mouths are more important anyway.

5. A love/hate relationship with Highway 1.

6. I keep taking pictures even though I know there is no way I will be able to capture what my eye sees: the color of the water, the way the fog hugs the bluffs, the pelicans, the seaweed churning.

7. A warm ham and cheese sandwich, greens, tomato soup - the best meal of the weekend.

8. We keep walking.

9. He says it will only take 10 minutes. I do not believe him.

10. She lights candles and brings them to the table. We eat our chips and salsa and tacos, drink our Joel Gott Sauvignon Blanc by candlelight.

11. I just want to be soft.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Nineteen

1. Early to rise.

2. I am awake. I am here. I am so glad I am here with them.

3. Trying to find the ocean through the clouds.

4. I make a list of all the things I think I used to be that I want to be again.

5. The playlist is upbeat but also relaxing. I keep my eyes open, stare up at the ceiling, stare out at the ocean.

6. Oysters.

7. The sun. I tell them that yesterday, on my drive up, I decided to manifest some sunshine. There will be sun on this trip. And here it is.

8. Bathrooms with no sinks. Hot sand. Hot sun. The sounds and smells of the ocean. I don’t think this will ever get old.

9. I am tired, but I am thinking about how much I will miss this.

10. I start to close the window, and something jumps through the cracks right as I begin to close it. A small tree frog. I call to her for help, get a glass to try and trap him. He is fast. I cannot sleep if we do not find him.

11. Can I stop time?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Eighteen

1. Today is the day. I am already counting down.

2. The universe has a way of sending you signs. The more they are repeated, the more you must listen.

3. I want more. And more.

4. Move past the pleasantries. Get the thing done.

5. On her playlist: Tame Impala, Kanye, The Smiths.

6. I stand in the street and jump up and down. We are here. We are here together.

7. We are not good navigators but we’ve made it over the dunes to the ocean. There is no one here but us.

8. Danucci’s. 4.5 stars. The place you go when it’s time to celebrate a birthday. I ask her how long she thinks it’s been since the merch cabinet has been opened.

9. Maybe I am just more confused.

10. An awakening.

11. The tears will come at some point.

12. I am wherever you are.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Seventeen

1. I hear footsteps, but it’s dark. They are small feet. Who is in here?

2. No sense in going back to sleep now.

3. Coffeecake from the box. The big one lumbers across the hall to our bathroom. He looks better, I think?

4. Late.

5. I don’t know anything, either.

6. “Everything under control?” I look them dead in the eye and say, “yes,” with a little bit of a chuckle. I’m not the one they should be worried about.

7. Today is going to be a long day.

8. I thought we had fixed this in 8th grade.

9. She calls because she has a sneaking suspicion that I’m being kept in the dark. She is right.

10. I begin to wonder if I’ve said too much, but then I think of how important it would have been for me to have had someone speak to me so honestly at that age.