Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty-One

1. I know I need to get up soon.

2. Wind blowing through the trees. The sound of pine cones and branches hitting the roof and pine needles blowing across the decks.

3. Fifty-seven degrees inside the bedroom. Tall socks and leggings and sweater.

4. Staring up at the ceiling, I search the corners for spiderwebs illuminated by the morning light.

5. I can’t remember the last time I was here, but it still feels familiar enough: the flat roads, the brown hills, the dusty air, the sprawl.

6. Key lime pie.

7. He wants me to retest him. He wants to move back into his room.

8. He calls it “community grilling.” I dig.

9. Take me back to the ocean.

10. I know what I’m doing to myself. I know I’m going to regret it. But I also know I’ll get it all done.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Forty

1. If only I could really sleep in.

2. I open the curtains to find the sea. I watch the waves rolling in and admire the colors of the sky.

3. Decaf in a paper cup. The smell of the ocean air. Firm sand. The sound of waves crashing on the shore. You still get the same layers of watercolor-sky. I could stay here forever.

4. Plank Coffee. Cloverdale. How come everyone else’s downtown is so much better?

5. I think this woman has sold me game tickets before.

6. Warmer and warmer and warmer. Tame Impala.

7. More tired than yesterday and the day before yesterday and the day before that. What keeps me awake?

8. Never taking for granted how much I enjoy coming home.

9. Fifty-nine degrees inside.

10. Still sleeping.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. Not today.

2. The pattern is not worth repeating.

3. “Don’t confuse movement with progress.”

4. Thirty-eight degrees. I need some gloves.

5. There’s a point where you’re driving up the 101, and the landscape shifts quietly. The rolling hills turn into steeper terrain and the oaks give way to large redwoods. The sky is clearer, too. Thin. Piercable.

6. I think of how she told me that I love it here. That I can’t leave.

7. Protein style. Add ketchup and mustard and grilled onions.

8. But at least there is this.

9. I tell him that lately, as we travel to these away games, all I can think of is my upcoming season and long treks. What will be different this year?

10. A thin coat of moisture on everything. Cold feet and cold hands. Layers and layers. An almost full moon.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Turtleneck weather.

2. I tell her that maybe I should stop making my appointments with her right before I go to work.

3. But the extra things I do are the things that feel purposeful and excite me. But I know what she means. She means I need to do less.

4. I ask her for a few masks before we get back in the car. He slides into the back seat and apologizes. Thank goodness we got those shots.

5. This might have actually been productive.

6. The rooms are non-refundable. And who’s going to take the stats? Might as well make the best of it. Daydreaming about coffee overlooking a stormy sea.

7. Hot tea all day. Cold, cold, cold.

8. Four days.

9. Someone has removed the rumble strips.

10. Orange and brown and yellow leaves scattered about. Rock walls and sandy dirt and pits in the pavement. Evening light dappling the vines below. One burst of red tucked between rows and rows of leaves.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. Cold. Two layers of sweaters.

2. He’s the only one with a weak stomach.

3. Marigolds drying out on my desk. October is quickly slipping away.

4. Staying away from the coffee, but this kind of weather begs for a cup + frothy oat milk.

5. She makes me laugh, and for that, I am grateful.

6. Two times in one week! They both say. Three times in a meeting with him, and it’s only Wednesday. Maybe we are all doing too much.

7. I trust her.

8. I knew this day was coming. So many giggles. Crushes on the big brother. He has no clue.

9. Tight games. A good loss. It’s almost our turn.

10. How do you do that all day?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. Where is the dinging coming from?

2. I stop by his classroom for a quick chat. He asks me if I’m here for the site meeting. Yes. “You do everything,” he says with a laugh. Yeah, I do.

3. I wish I had brought my tea.

4. I develop a plan for our plan. We just need to make it happen.

5. The strange glow of white light as the sun tries to break through the dense fog.

6. It was not as bad as I thought it would be.

7. Time is both slow and fast. I feel as though I’m missing something.

8. I can see the change.

9. Nine. And one is new, raw. But teachable. We can make room for them.

10. Trust yourself.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. Not ready.

2. Thank goodness it’s Monday.

3. He’s still sleeping. I hand them all plates of blueberry cake and give the big one a glass of orange juice, too. I walk on the wet asphalt with my slippers and throw my purse into the back seat.

4. He warns me that it’s decaf. I tell him I know.

5. What do you do with the kids who have the capacity but not the initiative? No answer.

6. Crossing things off.

7. I’m going to be late. I can’t let myself be too upset about it now.

8. I just need to trust my gut.

9. They are saying things, but I’m distracted by the thick streaks of pink-orange clouds bursting through the sky. “It’s just carbon,” he says. “I know. But it’s still beautiful.”

10. Funny, yet sad.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Work-from-home Friday.

2. I know I have things sitting on the printer tray at work, but I’m not going in for that.

3. Thick fog weaving itself through the trees. A singular white light across the way.

4. It’s soon. So soon.

5. Toinght’s drive will not be so bad.

6. The competing feelings of contraction and expansion. I am bigger than this, and yet, I feel too contained.

7. But what is it that you really want?

8. Snack shack popcorn while sitting on a cold bleacher. This is the turning point in the weather. The first Friday night where some hot hands or gloves are needed.

9. Noticeably less screaming today. It’s almost laughable.

10. How is it already 1:00 a.m.?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Slightly warmer day.

2. Decaf with a little bit of almond milk.

3. She says “third eye” and I know she is my kind of person.

4. I tell her it just feels good to know that it’s not just us feeling this way.

5. Conversations like these.

6. I tell her I feel like I’ve done something wrong even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

7. No saws or beeping cherrypickers today. Light work for them. Light work for me.

8. Unnecessary drama of it all.

9. Pulled pork, macaroni and cheese, coleslaw. He’s going to miss team dinners when the season is over. Can’t beleive the season is almost over.

10. Halloween Baking Championship.

Ten.Two Thousand,One Hundred & Thirty-Two

1. Must get up.

2. Not enough time to make the biscuits. He settles for waffles instead.

3. You’ve got to be kidding me.

4. The silence kills me. I keep moving through the items.

5. These forty-five minute chats once a week are everything.

6. “With all due respect.”

7. One tiny brown leaf floating down to my windshield.

8. A cracked chromebook screen.

9. Bored.

10. Twenty minutes in the dark. Still warm enough to break a sweat. Sliver of a moon. Silhouettes of mountains. The same came up and down.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty-One

1. Where are my pants?

2. First light.

3. They leave early to get their xrays, him for his chest, her for her thumb.

4. I forgot my lunch.

5. We debrief on yesterday’s meeting and laugh and laugh and laugh.

6. There is no need for us to fight today.

7. I tell her that she’s right: I ask myself that question a lot. If it weren’t for my colleagues, I would have been gone a long time ago.

8. Truthtelling.

9. A few bites of her leftover sushi. No focus. Conversations with people like that will confuse you.

10. Contract signed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Thirty

1. Should have taken the day off.

2. No school, no morning madness.

3. Can I go back under the covers now?

4. I need two screens.

5. The incessant beeping of the cherry picker.

6. The way she makes me laugh.

7. Another meeting where I feel my heart in my throat. I push my index fingers into my temples. I need this to be over.

8. He says he can tell the coaches are angry that he’s sitting out. I tell him I’m proud of him for making a mature decision that takes care of himself. Two weeks is a blip in a high school career - in a life.

9. I’ll know in the morning.

10. Couldn’t it be easier than this?

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Nine

1. This season and the way the air feels different.

2. Yoga in the morning light.

3. A quiet ride down the trail. Too cloudy for the hot air balloons. Smells like harvest.

4. Grocery shopping with no list feels dangerous.

5. I’m just going to put this all in the garage, and we’ll figure out the garage later. But for now, breathing room.

6. I tell him he must get the missing English done. He scrolls through, and I see a B. B! I say nothing, but on the inside, I want to explode.

7. Warmer than I expected.

8. We finish up the rest of the film. Outpacing last year; just might reach the goal.

9. Positivity only.

10. Only a few more months until Christmas.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Eight

1. So, so tired. Only mildly sore.

2. Hot tea, slow movement.

3. Haircut time. I remember to grab the special glasses off the counter.

4. The clouds are thick and obscuring the sun, but just as we make the curve to head down the mountain, the clouds break. Glassed on. We stare at the ring of fire for a few minutes.

5. Awe.

6. I think they won.

7. Leftover love.

8. Rewatching with no sound.

9. I see a clip of her story. Looks like they will make the best of it and rest in Italy.

10. Quiet.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Seven

1. Work-from-home Friday.

2. I can breathe.

3. Decaf. A few moments of quiet on the deck as the sun rises.

4. We remember not to take that trail. The path is wide and uneven, rocky. You begin by immediately walking up a steep hill. I am not as out of breath as last time. I tell her I’ve been walking almost every day now. Up to 2 miles most days. After work or whenever I can squeeze it in.

5. Camarones al Mojo de Ajo.

6. We chat about nothing and everything, and that is what helps the days go by.

7. One day, I will miss the smell of her mass-produced teenage-scented candles.

8. As we make our way over Howell Mountain and into Pope Valley, I think of the upcoming season and the impending bus rides.

9. I hate this place.

10. He gets in the car, and he does more than sigh. He talks. He says the coach said he’s looking forward to seeing him grow over the next few years.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Six

1. The soft light of morning breaking through the trees.

2. Trying to listen for footsteps. Who is awake?

3. Decaf in the French press.

4. Unpacking the snack delivery.

5. She calls me to check in. I hadn’t called her yet like I usually do. I love that we have that routine…that when we break it, it feels unnatural.

6. No construction.

7. I doubt I will see them today. It’s laughable, really.

8. “Taking it one day at a time.”

9. This is not sustainable.

10. It is later than usual, and the sun is beginning to set. Pink clouds and soft skies. Silhouettes of hillsides and mountain tops. Look at all the beauty.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Five

1. Cool. Cold. Comfortable.

2. I brush my teeth and work and rework sentences in my head.

3. Sometimes I forget that I just shouldn’t say anything.

4. Winter whites. A mug without a lid while doing drop-offs.

5. I hear my voice shaking, feel my body shaking. I know that I am not yelling because I am not a yeller, but I know it’s clear that I’ve lost my cool. They don’t care. That’s really all it is. They don’t care.

6. Feeling sick to my stomach. I try to spiral back up instead of down.

7. I don’t say anything. I just head straight to my room, change my clothes, grab my earbuds, and leave.

8. I walk over in my slippers to give her the update.

9. 153/100.

10. I am comfortable and safe and fed and warm, and there is really nothing to be afraid of. Anything that feels too large to hold can be addressed.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Four

1. The perfect kind of fall morning: cool air coming through the windows, the quiet, the slow return of the light.

2. Laundry instead of morning pages.

3. I check my work phone and see no text message. I will wait.

4. Let’s reword this and soften the edges.

5. Today, all of the construction noise feels extra loud. So loud, I keep putting my hands to my ears.

6. Rain clouds.

7. Every time I walk up the stairs, I look through the glass doors into his dark office.

8. Finally, a text comes through. I walk down the stairs to deliver the message. He clearly doesn’t understand what I am saying. No sympathy, no compassion. I feel my anger rising. Why do I need to keep repeating myself? Figure it out.

9. Six girls. Two more than last week. Six more than a year ago.

10. They lost by three points. “It’s okay. They will beat them in the tournament when they get to high school,” I say.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Three

1. At least there is only one kid to take to school today.

2. Tumbler from the hippy lady playing God music in her garage.

3. I’m telling her what I was told, and we’re trying to figure out what it means or how they meant it.

4. So many lies in so little time.

5. We test my cuff, and it is, of course, very high. She does a manual reading, places her stethoscope against the crease of my elbow. She is only a few numbers off the machine reading. We decide it’s close enough to use as a monitor for the upcoming weeks.

6. Greek salad.

7. First in his group; 39th out of 712. Never ceases to amaze me.

8. I am standing in between the stacks, head tilted, reading the spines. Out the corner of my eye I see the library walk by. She backpeddles and reminds me that I have a book on hold. I am startled at first but then realize she must recognize me from the article.

9. Already sweating.

10. I would like to be sitting across from her again, digging my spoon into her apple crisp.

Ten.Two Thousand, One Hundred & Twenty-Two

1. A Tuesday that feels like a Monday.

2. She says she’s not feeling well. I am annoyed.

3. She takes my blood pressure three times - twice with the machine and once by hand to confirm. I hear the Physician’s Assistant exclaiming. I know that it’s high, the highest I’ve ever seen, but I’ve never heard anyone get that upset.

4. “What’s going on?” So much is going on, but I don’t think this is the place, nor do we have enough time. I need to come back in two weeks.

5. I know the things that need to be done. I just need to take the time to do them.

6. A text message with a positive Covid test.

7. A text message that another child threw up and is being picked up from school.

8. A steady flow.

9. It is clear to me that there is some kind of narrative being spun, and it is based on lies. I tell her how she said to me on the phone before this all happened that sometimes “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.”

10. I miss The Dolphin House.