Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-Two

1. Breathing into the depths.

2. It's a jeans and a blazer kind of day.

3. But these Dot’s pretzels, though.

4. Fantasy Football group chats. And, so it begins.

5. He orders a milkshake, and I don’t say anything because it’s summer, and it’s just him, and why not? The gentleman behind the bar fills my glass a little above the line. I think of it as a loyalty perk.

6. I think about how I describe it as a Freudian slip. How I said, “You guys,” and how he said, “You mean, ‘we.’”

7. Why am I here?

8. I tell her that I believe in signs and this was one.

9. No. It’s just me. I’m the problem. I’m feeling my own existential angst.

10. The algorithm didn’t like that one.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty-One

1. Deep breaths before kicking off the covers.

2. Taking in the morning. Hot coffee. Feet on wood. The quiet.

3. I should have just stayed home.

4. Sometimes, I say too little, and sometimes, I think I say too much. But this is all good.

5. Nine.

6. Writing and writing and rewriting. I think this makes sense.

7. The emperors have no clothes.

8. I do miss these people.

9. I tell her that we talked for two hours today because we hadn’t talked in five days.

10. Something about the waning light and the lush green of the ivy and the brick and the string lights.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Fifty

1. He tells me to wait.

2. I tell her that this is a trend, and I leave it as is.

3. Yeah, I'm just stressed. He’s right. I'm anxious. I don’t want to do this.

4. “That was guilt, by the way.” “Oh, I know.”

5. That smile on his face.

6. “I wish they had been meaner. Everyone.”

7. It’s only Tuesday. It’s only Tuesday? It’s only Tuesday.

8. I always think practice ends at 6, and it’s 6:30. I buy myself a rice krispies treat to eat in the car while I wait.

9. They all agree that a 3-strikes rule will be appropriate.

10. I apologize for the late dinner. They’re not upset. “As long as it’s before 8,” he says.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Nine

1. This week.

2. Honoring my hunger and its different manifestations.

3. She’s right. I should just tell the truth and tell it now.

4. Another car full of girls. Today is a much shorter day.

5. She thinks it easier because she understands the asks. It’s easier because she’s experienced the hard.

6. Only two more weeks until another set of classes begins. I’m on my way. I’m on my way.

7. Dehydrated.

8. Grapes and cherries and answers to questions you didn’t want to ask.

9. This feels a little rigged. Is it supposed to be this easy? I am glad it was this easy.

10. I forgot to practice.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Eight

1. Slow to rise.

2. The same black dress from Gap Body. I need 5 more of these.

3. Coffee and hammock and book. Finally. The morning fog blocks the sunlight.

4. I try to explain to him that it’s good to take a break. Every day is too much.

5. “A gentle entry.”

6. What is my wish? What is my challenge?

7. There is always good with the bad and bad with the good.

8. I finally remember to send her the images. I take a quick glance at the gallery. That was a special weekend. This is a special capture. I miss being in those kinds of spaces. I miss making art.

9. Four years now. Four years and one day.

10. Just a few more moments in the hammock before night settles in.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Seven

1. The world will not end if I miss a day.

2. Two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Cherries and grapes. Pretzels and goldfish. Beef sticks.

3. As we head out of town, five hot air balloons dot the horizon. I smile to myself. The car is quiet.

4. I tell them that they’ll never see the girls again in their life. They just need to learn.

5. Too much coffee.

6. I take notes in between my mandated reporter training.

7. But they really did mean “elite.”

8. STANDARDS.

9. Sometimes, I’m happy when this happens.

10. 93 days.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two hundred & Forty-Five

1. I should get up.

2. Is there enough bacon? Enough waffles? Bagels for them, morning pages for me.

3. So cold I need a sweater. Fall is almost here.

4. She laughs about my rigidness about time.

5. I’m glad I stayed on the phone with her. Just like the old days.

6. It is a lot, but not impossible to do.

7. They say it’s so slow. It almost sounds like every time we come, they say it’s slower than before. The businesses in town are suffering, they say. The vendors demand that they purchase quantities that don’t make any sense for their small business. Suffering.

8. Just say the thing.

9. Enchanting.

10. If you’re not inside, you’re still late. Still late.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Four

1. Tired.

2. Wolf and Alligator.

3. It’s only Tuesday. But also, it’s already the end of July.

4. I want to pick up the bird wing but I know I probably shouldn’t.

5. I decide to take a right. There is a grandmother and grandfather playing with a small child in the front yard. Wiffle ball and bat. The yard is lined with roses. They are the only thing I hear.

6. I think I’ve figured it out. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right. I am the problem. But at least I know that I am.

7. Invisible walls.

8. I didn’t even get to break in the hammock first.

9. Oh, this is so weird. Another new life stage.

10. A full table.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Three

1. Cool, gray Monday morning.

2. Real talk. At least, it’s an attempt at real talk.

3. I start to think about crawling back into my bed with my coffee and my computer, but I know I must go.

4. They are having fun, but it’s loud.

5. I find my way all the way down to the end of the road. Ah, that’s where that is. I wonder who owns that. Another road; I’ll walk that one next time.

6. My to-do list is almost done.

7. I did not expect that today. But it doesn’t matter. This is all practice, anyway. Everything is a practice.

8. Everything is a practice.

9. It’s all starting to feel normal again.

10. It will be here before we know it.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-Two

1. Just a little cold.

2. So, so tight and sore. Everywhere.

3. Exactly what I thought.

4. Mimosas and haircuts.

5. You want to be proud, but also not too proud, because they’re not perfect. But there’s no such thing as perfect.

6. “I mean, I could just go back, but they’re just going to walk me right back to you with the same boarding pass. But I’ll go back. If you want me to.” He sticks his badge in a reader and overrides the error.

7. He’s back!

8. I’m so tired.

9. Intuition.

10. And maybe you haven’t grown as much as you think.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty-One

1. Gratitude for this slow morning.

2. I am falling asleep. He asks me if I need more coffee. It’s just that I’ve waited too long to start.

3. A flash of anger.

4. Overcast morning. Cold bleachers. More coffee.

5. Finally, some sun. So glad it’s still only Saturday. So worried by how frequently I tell myself how happy I am that it’s only Saturday.

6. I’m reminded of how he said that the thing about being public is that you’re public.

7. He says he needs to talk to someone before we leave.

8. To know it’s not just your imagination.

9. Unexpectedly child-free. Oysters Rockefeller. Seafood in brick pastry. Dolmas. Raspberry financier. Her name is Desire, and she’s from San Francisco. St. Helena is too hot for her—beautiful, but too hot.

10. There’s more work to do.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Forty

1. TGIF.

2. Scrambling to get as much clean as possible before we leave.

3. Oh. The high school, not the thrift store.

4. Is it mountains or clouds or smoke? Clouds.

5. Cool in the sun and in the shade for now.

6. Clear blue skies and gratitude. A sense of freedom. It’s only Friday.

7. “A kind of light spread out from her. And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid anymore.” - East of Eden

8. Dogs barking. A chorus of weed whackers. The smell of grilled hamburgers and hot dogs.

9. Three 30-piece chicken nuggets. The young woman behind the counter tries not to laugh.

10. Clean sheets.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Nine

1. It still feels warm.

2. A pan of bacon, a bowl of eggs, a loaf of bread.

3. Another canceled meeting. That just means I can get through these emails more quickly.

4. The energy is just weird.

5. Pink crocs on dusty pavement. Up ahead is someone in a motorized chair and a woman is walking beside her. They pause and look up at a tree before starting again. A man is watering a small patch of flowers at the front of his driveway. We both smile and nod at one another. The horizon is hazy, like vintage film. It’s probably haze from a fire. Vineyards and fruit trees and the quiet.

6. I should do this more often.

7. He says I frowned when I said her name. “I did? I hate that I don’t have a poker face.”

8. I had promised myself I would practice a different response.

9. He exchanges the fudge.

10. They do always say “thank you,” but this time he also gives me a hug.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Thursday. No. Wednesday.

2. Warm morning. Warm light. Warm cup of coffee.

3. I start to make my way over the bridge and notice the way the sun is coming through the trees. The water is still, though I can hear the murmur of the fountain. This is the enchantment they keep talking about.

4. And done on time. The heat is coming.

5. Home for lunch. Tri-tip and Caesar salad and a glass of water. A little bit of decompression.

6. I’m not supposed to be mad about it.

7. Sore all over, but it’s worth it.

8. I tell him that she and I are really the right kind of people for one another.

9. She is me, but also not me at all and it’s a wild thing to see.

10. Almost time for him to come home.

11. Perfect? No? Better than ever? Yes. I can see the light.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Eight

1. Why am I so hot?

2. Coffee in my chair instead of drop-off.

3. The usual walk toward the car, and a bird bursts from a tree, and then hundreds of bugs flit about. They look like miniature dragonflies but almost translucent.

4. Tuesday = loud.

5. Lunchtime escape. Dim sum and wine.

6. They say the very things we’ve been saying at home. If I could have recorded it. But it just affirms that we know what we know. We know what we know.

7. I take my call outside on the dusty picnic table. It’s 101 degrees but bearable in the shade. The honk of the wine train

8. Found another one.

9. No one knows what to do with me.

10. “May your private expounding carry the fullness of these insights. Remain vast, steadfast, and trustworthy.”

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Seven

1. Late start for him means a more relaxed pace for the morning.

2. It’s just because I really like where I live. That’s why I want to be here all the time. That’s not a bad thing. That’s a good thing.

3. I text him two and a half hours later to say that I’ve already completed my to-do list.

4. What else?

5. I’m a little early so I walk a bit of the vineyards beside the office. Small berries with green and purple skins. Big green leaves. Spiky straw sticks between the openings of my shoes.

6. I think this waiter is confused. I look familiar but the context is not the same.

7. I wonder if I am gushing too much about the past.

8. Yes. She’s right. Things can be different this year now that I have help.

9. It’s going to come quickly.

10. He’s right. I do like I did at the last place and just find my people.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Six

1. I could use one more day.

2. A big scoop of apple crisp and coffee.

3. Silverado trail on a Sunday morning. Sunlight brightens everything. Crawling vines. Golden-brown hillsides dotted with oaks. The struggling cyclist.

4. It’s always scary the first time.

5. He says she was more afraid of me than anything.

6. Yes. I’ll have to do this two more times.

7. I’m reminded of another goal.

8. 17 years. Champagne and Burgandy and cherries jubilee. Look at how quickly the time has passed.

9. I stare out the window toward the west, toward the sunset, as we drive back home. I am delightfully full, and all I can say is, “So pretty. So pretty.”

10. And in bed by 8.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Five

1. If I don’t do it now, it won’t get done until it’s too late.

2. Whatever this was could not have been something small. Every Gatorade bottle is broken through. The bottom of the container is sticky from the mess.

3. Sweat pouring down my eyebrows.

4. Just. follow. the rules.

5. This is a longer drive than I thought it would be. The sun feels good on my legs. I can barely keep my eyes open.

6. This will be harder than I wanted it to be.

7. Inventoried and organized. Envisioning them

8. Keep it in check.

9. I should really water those plants.

10. Gratitude.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Four

1. Friday. Finally.

2. No football. No alarm.

3. Driving down Highway 29. Sunlight on the vines and the hazy morning sky. A line of redwoods. Coffee. Gluten-free coffee cake.

4. If anyone can do it, she can.

5. I thought this was brick?

6. Remember to take some time to dream.

7. Radio silence.

8. The answer is still “no.”

9. I don’t do this nearly enough. Yes, more of this, please.

10. The feeling of sliding into a clean, cool bed at the end of a long day.

Ten.Two Thousand, Two Hundred & Thirty-Three

1. Thursday.

2. A few breaths out on the deck, watching a beam of sunlight squeeze between the trees.

3. A hummingbird just outside the window. Where did she come from? I have nothing here for her here.

4. I unpack my bag and realize that I left my thermos of coffee at home. Sometimes, you just want your drip, not a Nespresso.

5. What I like about peak season is being reminded of how lucky we are to live in a place that people want to come to for vacation. So I’ll be a little more patient while waiting at Gott’s. Only a little.

6. I probably sound confused.

7. But the snacks.

8. It’s perfect in the shade. A preview of what’s to come for the next several months.

9. They just want to be free.

10. “I trust myself.”